A/N: Happy 2015! Some things will not be in the exact order the game portrays them because I think the spacing between the relationship conversations is often too long and/or the conversations are too stilted. Thanks for all the faves and follows, and for the reviews!

What We Are

Evelyn crossed over the drawbridge into Skyhold as the clouds bloomed with the pinks and purples of dawn. The sun was not quite peeking over the horizon as she wearily carried a half-case of West Hill Brandy, procured from a shady but reliable acquaintance in the Hinterlands. Cullen loved a good brandy, and she hoped he might share some with his captains, aiding communications with the ranks who felt uncomfortable when their Commander was around.

She tiptoed into his office before the sun was shining through those damn holes in his roof. The Inquisition's masons would have to look into fixing that stone. Sure, fresh air was invigorating, but it was unacceptable for the Commander of the Inquisition's army to be sleeping in a wing of the fortress where the rain could puddle on his bed. Shaking her head at the thought, she left the box on his desk and headed outside, leaving the door ajar to spy inside. As she waited, she thought about some of the comments Sera, Dorian, and Iron Bull not so shyly tossed around as they tried to get Evelyn to admit her attraction to Cullen.

"She's just waiting to ride the Bull, right Evelyn? But I can wait. I'm patient."

"As if she'd ever consider those spiky things atop your head attractive, or that ridiculous patch," Dorian said. "No, I think our dear Inquisitor is infatuated with a certain bearded and malodorous Grey Warden, or perhaps a fellow mage, the broody and bald one."

"Are you two daft? I know exactly whose arse she's been staring at and it isn't Bull's or Blackwall's. And it's definitely not Solas'. Ugh, he makes your head hurt, he does. It's-"

"Sera!" Evelyn cut her off, coming to a complete stop on the road to Redcliffe. "If you all don't mind, I'd appreciate if you would keep your theories to yourselves."

"Ha! I'm right, yeah? Makes sense. He's got lots of men under him but needs a woman over him, because, you know… positions."

Evelyn let out a loud sigh. "Please stop," was all she managed to say, her entire body feeling as if it was melting into the ground.

"Truly? You fancy the former Templar?" Dorian asked. "I must say that surprises me, Evelyn. He's not the most cerebral of men, all brawn and machismo, his sword slashing through the air constantly, shouting 'Let's go in with our army and flatten them with our boot heels!'"

"That's not at all what he's… like. Ugh." Damn it, she fell right into his trap. "Happy now?"

"Enormously." With a triumphant smile, Dorian began walking up the path.

"Well, we'll see if he can satisfy you in all the right ways," Bull said. "Doesn't seem to be too experienced, if you ask me."

"I didn't ask any of you for suggestions or approval or whatever it is you're offering me."

Dorian sidled up to her. "There, there, my dear. It's all in good fun, but if you'd rather tackle this budding relationship without our help, we will cease all talk of the Inquisitor and the Commander's soon-to-be torrid love affair."

"No we won't!" Sera said.

Dorian pointed his staff at her with narrowed eyes. "Yes, we will. For now anyway."

Maker, they had embarrassed her so, but even worse, she now knew that her feelings for Cullen were on full display all the time, and she thought she was doing such a good job of hiding it. Part of her had wanted to scream at them with orders to leave her be, but another part of her was somewhat glad she wouldn't have to overthink everything she said or did around Cullen. As long as they stayed out of her personal business… but they wouldn't, and she steeled herself for the inevitable ribbing and interference to come. Not to mention what Cullen must think of all her stares and affectionate gazes. But why shouldn't she be honest with everyone, especially Cullen? They'd been in Skyhold for many weeks, and plenty of relationships had started since, among soldiers, merchants, kitchen staff, everyone but her it seemed. Maybe she should just lay it on the line, tell Cullen she wanted more than brief flirtatious encounters or a couple hours of friendly chit-chat over supper. How hard could that be? Maker's balls….

When the sun finally rose, Cullen climbed down the ladder, sleep still having a hold on him. He spied the box, and as he peered inside, his face scrunched in confusion. He muttered something she couldn't hear, but the smile he eventually wore was quite satisfying.

Unable to contain her excitement at seeing him, she pushed the door open and announced herself before the surprise on his face had formed into words. "In case you don't recognize me, I'm Evelyn Trevelyan, and I believe you said you'd hear my boots before I set foot in Skyhold."

Confusion morphed into amusement. "And didn't you say you were going to tackle me to the floor?"

"I did say that, didn't I? Okay, so were both a bit too arrogant." Before she knew what she was doing, she had reached up and touched his face, her palm against his cheek. He stood perfectly still, although his jaw tensed. "It's good to see you, Cullen."

"And you, Evie." He scrutinized her then, checking her from head to toe. "The Hinterlands were uneventful then?"

"Not a scratch, as you can see." She twirled around and then beamed at him as he took hold of her hands. "And we stopped by Redcliffe for a night, too." The sound of her heartbeat thumped in her ears as he pulled her closer. "It was all pretty dull, unless you count dealing with Dorian's annoyingly repentant father. But I did convince him to talk to the master of the Pavus family so he wouldn't regret it in the future."

"See? As I said the other night, you're a softie," he said with a poke to her shoulder. "He appreciated the effort I'm sure."

"He did. But I have to go talk to him. He was very quiet on the way back." She peered around nervously, and her mouth quirked. "I did miss being here… well, I missed you more than I expected to," she said, no longer remembering a single reason to hide her emotions from him.

"Things were quite uninspiring here without you." He leaned in slightly, his gaze drifting from her lips to her eyes. "I thought of you yesterday when-"

The door flung open, an announcement from his aide shattering the intimate moment.

"Commander, Lady Cassandra asked that I give you this immediately. I think it has to do with the Grey Wardens."

He stepped away from Evelyn, every muscle tensing as the man handed him a folded parchment, which Cullen glanced at and tossed on his desk. "Thank you. That will be all." His eyes narrowed with a sternness she'd only seen when he was shouting orders to his men, chiseling his handsome features.

The aide nodded and turned to leave, closing the door quietly.

Cullen sighed. "I'm sorry, Evie. The lack of privacy here is infuriating." He paced back and forth once, wringing his hands. "So you brought me some brandy? That was very thoughtful."

"I thought you'd like it, and maybe you'll find some use for it among your men?"

"To make them feel more at ease with their Commander?"

"Yes." His voice had turned a bit monotone and he was more soft-spoken than usual. Evelyn wondered if she had somehow overstepped her bounds. "Was that wrong of me to do?" she asked, a slight quaver in her question.

"No, not all." He stared out the window again, unsettled and shifting with sharp motions in ways she hadn't seen before. "I do appreciate your thoughtfulness."

"Is something wrong, Cullen?" She moved closer to him, within reach but not so close as to invade his personal space. "You seem upset?"

"I'm sorry, Evie. I'm... I was distracted. There is something I need to speak with you about, and I should have mentioned this before now."

"Did something happen while I was gone?" she asked, panic rising up to her throat.

"No, no." He rolled his head around, cracking the bones in his neck and trying to relax the muscles. "You know the Templars take lyrium to sustain their powers, as I did for years. When the Inquisition recruited me, I decided to stop taking it. I did not want to be tied to the Order nor shackled by addiction."

Worry mingled with pride, causing a rebellion of emotions to churn her stomach. "I know some Templars go mad from the lyrium. I recall a few older and addled ones I knew over the years, and they were so… lost."

"Yes. Some go mad, others die. And those who survive… their memories are often erased due to the lyrium. I couldn't go on the way I'd been in Kirkwall. When Cassandra approached me to join the Inquisition, I felt it was the perfect time to cut all ties. And now, the mere thought of losing my memories of Haven and Skyhold… of you... It's clear to me that I've made the right decision."

She looked up and was met with the most affectionate gaze she'd ever seen from a man. "That was very brave of you, Cullen. And I totally support your decision, but… do you feel all right? It can't be easy. You do look a little pale."

"Some days are worse than others, but so far I've handled it. I've asked Cassandra to keep an eye on me, in case I was failing in my duties or incapable of leading the Army. As a Seeker, she is particularly skilled in the area."

"Good. I trust her implicitly. Though you shouldn't have been anxious about telling me. I'm here for you, Cullen, if you ever need to talk or vent or… whatever."

He glanced at her warily, his brows drawing together. "I just thought if I'm not acting myself, you will know why."

"And I appreciate that, but please lean on me if you need to. Cassandra can monitor this while I'm gone, but when I'm here, don't shut me out."

"You needn't concern yourself-"

She grabbed the hand that was slicing through the air as he tried to make his point. "Please let me help."

"I will not be a burden to the Inquisition." He pulled away and bent over the desk, the palms of his hands pressing into the hard wood. "And especially not to you, not when you have so many other lives depending on you."

"You could never be a burden to me, Cullen. Never. I want to help if I can." Tears welled in her eyes unbidden. Why didn't he trust her? "Isn't that what friends are for? To share the good and the bad?"

"I'm unaccustomed to sharing such things." When he looked at her and saw tears threatening to fall, he drew in a sharp breath. Maker help him; she was on the verge of tears. The thought brought a sharp pain to his chest. "No, Evie, please don't… I didn't mean that I don't trust you. I do, but I've not the friends you have and I was never comfortable discussing personal issues with others."

"But I am your friend, more than a friend if… Well, that's up to you."

"I… I do want that, but... I'm… ah, this is not how I imagined things would be. I thought it would be easier." He looked away, silent for a moment. "I thought I wouldn't feel the pull of the lyrium, and to drag you into my problems... It's not what I wanted."

"So the timing is bad. So what? We both have burdens, so why not help each other?" She put her hand on his arm, her voice soft and sweet. "I know you're proud, and you're stronger than you give yourself credit for. I know you can do this. And I would never speak of anything you share with me in private to anyone else." The time was right to lay it all out, and if he felt the same then she ought to do something about it. But how was she to gauge his feelings on the matter? "Maybe we should talk about this, about us too, and then we'll be more comfortable speaking about our lives and our other problems. I'll even go first if you like."

She looked at him with such a sense of expectation, and spoke with so much hope in her voice that no matter what roles they each played in the Inquisition, he wanted to be with her, to have her by his side through it all.

"I don't disagree. But I don't want to rush… well, I do want to, but I'm trying to keep a level head here."

"I'm not intentionally pressuring you, Cullen, but on the other hand, we need to sort out our feelings to move forward, don't you think? I mean I don't know what you're thinking any more than you know what I'm thinking." The nervous rambling mirrored her insides, her stomach fluttering and flipping with every word. "But maybe this is too much for one day. I'm sorry. I know it's a lot to cover."

"Don't apologize, Evie. I'm grateful for your concern." Gazing at her with soft eyes, he considered her suggestion and slowly nodded his agreement. "All right. Let's talk. But out on the battlements where we've more privacy."

She stood still as he held the door for her, surprised that he'd agreed.

"After you, Lady Trevelyan."

"And you're sure you want to discuss this now?" she asked. "It was just a suggestion."

He laughed a little. "Really? Because it sounded more like an order."

"No! I never meant it to sound that way!" Her cheeks heated, her lips quivering a bit before he laughed louder.

"I'm only joking with you. I do want to discuss this now." He motioned for her to move outside, and held out his hand. "You look tired, Evie. You should get some rest before doing any work today."

Taking his hand, she squeezed it once. "I'm fine, not at the peak of cleanliness, but not too tired either."

"You smell just fine to me. Lavender and vanilla bean, if I'm not mistaken."

Her brows rose in a skeptical arch. "Do you have a nose for scents or did someone tell you I favor lavender and vanilla?"

"I have more talents than just battlefield maneuvers, you know."

"Oh? I'm, interested to hear of these supposed talents, Cullen."

"All in due time," he said with a grin. Leading her to the wall, he shooed away a lingering guard and gazed out at the snowcapped mountains. "Such beauty. My love for Skyhold increases every day."

"I love it here too." Her fears settled a little thanks to the shared fondness for their new home. She turned to face him with a semblance of confidence. "Cullen, I care for you, and I've been thinking of you… well, almost all the time really."

"And I have too… Thought about you, that is… and sometimes… Ah, Maker." He looked away, his hand rubbing his neck. "I've thought of what I'd say to you in a situation like this many times, but clearly I'm not practiced enough."

"Don't over think it," she said, looking him in the eyes. "Just say what feels right."

"I never thought it was possible, not here at least," he said softly, moving close to her. "To find someone I felt such kinship with, and to have so much in common… I do want this. Us. But you're the Inquisitor, and I'm… but that doesn't matter, not really. If you are willing, then I am too, Evie."

She loved the low thrum of his voice when he said her name. "I'm here and very willing."

"Good." He leaned in, his eyes closing as his lips drew closer and closer to hers.

"Commander, I have the message from Leliana you were waiting for."

Interrupted by the messenger once again, Cullen's fists balled, his face contorting with anger as he spun around. "What? You're interrupting again, man!"

"But you said you wanted—" He glanced at Evelyn as she shifted uncomfortably in place. "Ah, I will leave this on your desk then. Sorry. So sorry to interrupt, Commander. I'll be going now," he murmured, backing away a few steps before scurrying toward the door.

"Cullen, if you need to—"

His lips took hers, hot and demanding as she squeaked her surprise. His hands clenched hard around her upper arms, then purposefully loosened, and the kiss eased into tenderness with a soft, sultry meeting of lips. When he pulled back, his cheeks flared crimson but she held his face and dispelled any discomfort he was feeling.

"That was, um… nice," he whispered.

"It was."

"Was it too soon?"

"No, not at all. Do you regret it?" she asked, her nerves tingling in ways she never felt before.

"No, I don't." He laughed to himself a moment. "We're quite a pair, so worried over the most basic of things."

"Silly, isn't it?" She laughed a little nervously. "A kiss shouldn't throw us considering what we face every day." A part of her felt exposed though, scared and childlike, but it also felt right, predestined. "I wouldn't even pursue this if I thought it was wrong or bad or… Maker, Cullen, you're so very different than the men I've known. Well, the one man. I don't know, you're honest. You're caring without even trying, a naturally kindhearted man." Then she smiled slyly, inching closer to his face. "It was all a blur though. Maybe another kiss will make it more clear."

"As you wish."

Again he kissed her, wanting more this time, his mouth firm and warm, with strong hands tracing a path from her hips to her neck, then her shoulders, his body hard against her. The reality shocked her—especially that part of him she would one day know fully, and the thought filled her with wild desire rather than fear.

His lips molded to hers as a fire burned through her veins and she pressed closer. He chuckled against her mouth. "Or maybe you'd like this." His tongue made a teasing foray inside, searching and committed, before he lifted his head. "You and I, together. It's perfect, Evie."

"And the fact that I'm a mage doesn't give you pause?"

"I hadn't even considered it. When I was a Templar in Ferelden or Kirkwall I'm not sure I would have felt for you what I feel now, and the thought of that sickens me."

"I could say the same about you. But that doesn't matter now."

"No, it doesn't"

"And so we've moved on to… what? A relationship? A… romance? Do we call it that?"

"Yes. I think we do."

"And the inevitable gossip?"

"What we do in private is our own. Let them speculate and talk if it helps keep folks happy here."

"I'm surprised you're so easy about this. But on the other hand, you care about everyone here, want what's best for them no matter what we face in the future. It's one thing I lo— admire in you." Judging by his raised eyebrow, he heard her almost-pronouncement, but she didn't care. Not one whit.

"You're no different, you know. You may not realize how your generosity affects everyone, but they do. Deeply." He pulled her closer, holding her firmly in his embrace. "What do you want, Evie? For the future? For yourself?"

"Everything. All of it. Maybe too much for my own good, but… you especially. I want you in my life, for however long we have."

"Shh, don't say that. We have a future." His voice was low and edged with concern. As he stared into her eyes, he gently rubbed his thumb over her cheek. "There's no need to worry about the future."

"If you say so." Just then, her stomach growled, dispelling the seriousness of the moment. "I haven't eaten in forever. Do you want to go to the kitchen with me and I'll cook you up some eggs like you've never had before? And we can talk, if you want."

"I apologize, but I have a report that will not wait to be distributed. Why don't we meet for supper instead?"

"All right," she said, repressing her disappointment. "I'll swing by and get you when I've wrapped up for the day." She moved to leave, but his hand snapped out to grasp her wrist. She turned back slowly, her chest rising and falling as if she couldn't get enough air. Mirrored in his eyes, she saw the same desire she felt surging through her veins.

"I wish my duties weren't so pressing."

"It's fine. I'm glad we cleared the air. Later, I'll tell you more about my life before the Conclave, if you like."

"I would like to hear whatever you feel comfortable sharing. But for now…." He gave her a reckless kiss, laced with urgency and hunger. She wondered if he were somehow marking her as his, and the thought thrilled her. As quickly as his mouth had rushed hers, he released her. "The day will be interminably long now." He touched her cheek with his fingers and held her gaze. Then he let his hand slide down, along the slim column of her neck, to the hollow at her throat where he admired her necklace. The charm it held was made of obsidian and shaped like a jumping trout. "A token of your past?"

"No. Just something I thought was fun, though I do like to fish. But I'm not overly attached to it or anything."

"Good to know should I come across something I think you'll like."

She could only smile. This was an important moment for them and yet words beyond the ordinary wouldn't come to her. "Goodbye, Cullen."

As descended the stairs, she heard him shout, "Don't work too hard, Evie!"

Maker, how long this day would be. She'd be lucky if she got anything accomplished beyond a hot bath.

"Suffice it to say, Evelyn is not, shall we say, worldly, and her past relationship was unhealthy. Toxic even." Dorian made a face that could only be described as disgusted. "I normally would never get involved in this sort of thing, but I do worry for her at times. She represses quite a lot of her past dealings with that bastard."

"I will keep that in mind," Cullen said, his stomach clenching at all the possibilities of what she'd been through.

"For fuck's sake, pretty boy, just tell him like it is," Sera said. "That Jameson was a prick and I'd slice off his dangly bits if he were here. Evelyn went through more than a woman ought to with that turd. So you make sure you treat her right, yeah?"

Cullen nodded, uneasy with what he might learn about the noble she was betrothed to. And why in the Maker's name did they feel the need to lecture him like he was a teenager?

"And Cullen, if you do cock this up, you'll wake up with an arrow between your eyes. Well, you wouldn't be waking up then, now would you?"

Sera's shrill laughter went right through Cullen.

"Sera, that is not at all an appropriate thing to say to the Commander," Dorian said with a stern expression. "But oddly enough, I approve."

Cullen spread his hands in a placating gesture. "I know you both care for Evelyn a great deal, but so do I," he asserted. "Her safety and happiness are of the utmost importance to me, and as such, your concerns are touching but unnecessary. Now if you would excuse me, the woman you both so gallantly defend will be here shortly."

"Of course." Dorian eyed Sera and motioned to the door. "Allow me one more indulgent comment." Cullen nodded, patient as ever. "She likes you for who you are, not what you have or your title, or a lack of those things. Just be yourself and enjoy your dinner date."

"I will, and thank you."

Dorian grinned smugly as he pulled a writhing Sera out the door by her shirt.

Just as they were leaving, Evelyn stepped over the threshold, confused by her companions appearance in Cullen's' office as they walked away in silence, smiling like they knew a secret.

"Why were they here?" Evelyn asked, her eyes still on the closing door.

"A friendly chat is all."

"Somehow I think there's more to it than that," she said, planting her hands on her hips.

"They… care for you and want you to be happy. I can't fault them for that." He stuffed some books back into the bookcase, avoiding her prying gaze.

"Were there threats? Sera is particularly fond of threats."

"They came from a good place in her heart." He faced her, his lips twisting into a half-smile. "Sort of."

"So she did threaten you. I'm sorry Cullen. I don't approve, just so you know."

"It's fine. Please don't worry. I'm more at ease knowing they have your back. They will keep you safe when you're away from me," he said, leaning down to touch foreheads.

They stood like that for several seconds and then he slipped an arm around her waist, kissing her until her cheeks flushed and her heart tried to pound its way out of her chest.

"You're free to come along any time you like. Skyhold won't fall apart if you're gone for a couple days."

"Perhaps." He paused to take her in, his face awash with tenderness, and she felt a certain shyness at his scrutiny. "It's good to see you in something other than armor. You're more serene and happy when you're not fighting or working. And I may not say it enough, but I'm so thankful the Maker brought you into our lives, Evie. Into my life."

"Cullen…." Words wouldn't come to her lips then as he wrapped his arms around her. She only kept her head down and listened to his breathing.

"Ready for dinner?" he whispered. "Some of us haven't been stuffing ourselves with pastries all afternoon."

"Ha! If only my days were so simple."

Determined, he took her hand and pulled her toward the door. Before he stepped outside, he turned and kissed her on the cheek. "You must be hungry by now," he murmured, the emphasis on 'hungry' not lost on her, and had the satisfaction of watching her eyes grow large with surprise.

"Starving."

"Good. I have a few ideas about how to satisfy that hunger." He looked away, uncomfortable with his new forwardness but she put a gentle finger on his chin and turned his face to hers.

"Just so you know, I feel as awkward as you saying some of these things, but I appreciate it more than you can imagine."

She kissed him then as she had never kissed another man, a deep kiss with so much longing and yearning that she felt her knees grow weak. Her head pulsed with emotions she'd thought might have been gone forever. In that one dizzying moment, it was clear that Cullen belonged to her, for however long their time would be together. He made her feel like the woman she was, not the woman she needed to be for her family, for the Circle, for Jameson. She was herself, and that was a gift never offered to her in her lifetime.

"Can you cook?" he asked as they began walking down the stairs.

"Does boiling an egg count?"

"Absolutely."

"Actually I'm a good cook. Name a dish and you shall have it."

"That almost sounds like a dare," he said, and his eyes held certain challenge. "I've cooked for myself and my men for many years and have yet to lose anyone to food poisoning. Now that I know what you're about, you'll soon realize you haven't got a chance against me in the kitchen. We'll see what ingredients we can find and perhaps we can have a cook-off."

"Oh, you're on, Commander. I'll cook the pants off you."

His brows rose. "Interesting turn of phrase, Inquisitor."

"You know I didn't mean it that way." She punched him in the arm, but it seemed to hurt her fist far more than his solid bicep. Seeing him so relaxed made her realize how stressed he'd been the last couple months. It was surely habit mixed with the everyday demands of life that made it easy for her to miss subtle changes in his demeanor. She vowed to be more observant of his moods from now on.

"Now, have you ever had veal tarts with cream? Or stewed pigeons with onion salad?"

"No, but good luck with that." The wheels in his head were turning as he thought of a dish that would surpass hers. "I'm thinking… a meat tile with chicken, simmered, sautéed, and served in a spiced sauce of pounded crayfish tails, almonds, and toasted bread, and then garnished with whole crayfish tails."

"Wow, that's ambitious," she said, and wracked her brain for a more complicated dish.

They walked hand in hand in contented silence, the night air brisk. There was no denying the strong emotional tie developing between them, more than desire or mere affection, and that feeling was so new to her she couldn't be anything but content.

"Good thing we won't find most of those ingredients in the kitchen or we'd be cooking until sun up," she said.

"True, that. Likely we'll be comparing loaves of bread instead."

They shared a laugh, which brought an odd sense of wholeness to her, as if she hadn't fully moved on until now. His life, like hers, was ripped apart once too, a life sculpted by others in ways he couldn't understand at times.

She stopped to give him a peck on the lips. "At least the company will be good."

"The best."