The following is a typed transcript from 'Arthur Kirkland's' Dictaphone which was entitled 'My Fellow Nations'. It appears to be recorded directly after the G8 meeting earlier and is of Arthur describing who he refers to as 'his fellow Nations'. The author leaves it to the reader to infer the meaning. Again, all words are entirely Arthur's and any prejudices real or otherwise cannot be attributed to the author. Also, please note that it would appear that there are typographical errors in the transcript, however the author would like to point that they typed the words exactly as Arthur said them.

Arthur Kirkland's Diary – Transcript 4 – My Fellow Nations

Diane, I'm back. My visitor has gone now. We erm... we're just good friends and well anyway, I might tell you more about them another time, I'm not sure yet where that particular relationship is going. We're keeping it a secret at the moment. It wouldn't do if our Governments found it you know? Well no you don't...

Right, where were we? Ah yes that bloody meeting. Bloody Hungary had bribed the hotel management to pull the lights on us and then locked the door. She'd put hidden cameras in the room and expected us to... well, anyway. The woman's completely mad, stark staring bonkers. France of course tried to grope me – he always does. I've spent the last 1000 years dodging his advances. He's never got me... well apart from that time... oh hell. Well, maybe once or twice we've ended up in bed together... but that was to reduce sexual tension. Anything's better than a war right? But that doesn't mean I'm gay or anything right? I don't fancy that Frog.

Anyway, yes the meeting. Thank God for that nutjob Russia – he broke the door down. You can always rely on Ivan to kick in doors. I must say he is quite good if you're in a tight spot. America's worse than useless.

I suppose I should explain who all these goons are and try to describe them and their personalities.

Right, let me get my cuppa and I'll settle down for a long chat. I'm not going to describe all the Nations – I'd be here all day, obviously there's loads of us. I'll just start with those morons who were at the meeting this morning, the G8.

Okay, let's see. I may as well start with America. He has a mouth the size of Portsmouth. He thinks he's the Hero and thinks he knows better than me – he's wrong of course on so many counts. But anyway. He's under the illusion that he won the second world war single-handedly, I blame all those war movies he watches. Of course he doesn't dare say this in front of Russia who could and would kick his arse all the way back to Washington DC.

Obviously he's my ex-colony. I brought him up and does he appreciate it? No, does he hell. Ungrateful little bugger. I gave him fish and chips, I was the one who introduced him to culture and poetry and ties and real football – not that silly American football that they play over there. I mean what's that all about – they have to wear all that padding, not like our real football. Ha, American Independence – look where it's got him – yes they may all have nice teeth, Hollywood and big cars, but they also gained gun crime and idiot presidents – Ronald Reagan anyone? Bilateral relations? Ha! Oh God I need a real drink.

(sounds of Arthur pouring a drink)

Right, where was I? Oh yes, America... Oh God why did he leave me? He was like a little brother to me. Pull yourself together, Arthur, you're the British Empire. Let's see, who's next – I'll go through the Allies and then the others – the Axis.

France – my God where do I start? Bloody wine-loving sex-crazed... I mean how on earth does he find the time to have all that sex? It's not bloody fair. With his honhonhon. And those hands he can't seem to keep them to himself. I've lost count of the number of times I've invaded him and kicked his arse. I even took over part of his country. He's such a loser. He has no idea at all about fighting. He should stick to sashaying around and winking at the women... oh yes he does.

(sounds of gulping and pouring of another drink)

I love my rum – best damned drink in the world. Where wash I? Sorry, where was I? Oooh won't do will it to get drunk? Hahaha. Right. Oh yes, Canada. I feel sorry for that kid. He's always getting mixed up with his idiot brother. Of course I never get them mixed up. He's okay is Canada – too quiet though. Has Frenchie influence though. Poor lad. Even shpeaksh, I mean speaks French too. Good lad in the war. Although he was never there at the meetings... funny that.

Dear Lord... Russia where do I start? What a complete dickhead. Although (whispers) I wouldn't shay that in hish hearing. He's a bit big you know.

(pours another drink)

Nutcase – yesh. But then he's been through more than any of us. Poor lad. Pretty good in the war though, very handy. Would much prefer him next to me in battle than against me. Now France I would prefer in front of me – then you can see what the bloody hell he's doing – bloody pervert. I dunno, thingsh got really bad, cold war and all that. We set up NATO and Russia wanted to join! Bless him! Hahaha. We had to tell him it was against him. He got a bit annoyed at that – kicked a door in and punched the wall. We all got a bit scared, well I didn't of course, but America said he had to go to the loo and Francie wet his pants.

Right, the Axis, I mean the rest of the G8. Okay, Germany. Hmmm, clever bugger. He started two wars and lost two wars and he's doing better than me economically. Very industrious, always on time with everything, always got his paperwork in order. Very officious. I hate him. Well, okay I don't hate him, but he's always shouting. Of course I never shout. A gennelman never shouts. And he's got no sense of humour. You try telling him German jokes and he just glares at you. Some people, honestly. And that nutcase brother of his? Where do I shtart with him? Complete hooligan, no manners.

Italy – I think he's cleverer than he lets on. He's always with Germany. I think they're a couple, but Germany is always pushing him off his knee. Italy lets Germany do all the work. Silly little sod has always got his eyes shut. And he's always drunk and smiling and he can't drive. His brother's a little git. Called me a tea bastard once. Good at football though – they beat us in the 1990 world cup third place match. Bloody good game. It should have been the final. Bloody Germany won. Well alright West Germany won.

(pours another drink)

Japan. Weird little man. Odd. What elshe can I shay? Never shays a bloody thing all meeting and then bam, comesh out with the oddest thing. America loves him, well not in that way. Well actually I'm not sure. I visited him once. It wash bloody brilliant. Lotsh of spirits and ghosts that Japan didn't know about – of course they talked to me. I liked Japan's bath ... doesh that shound odd? Hmm I think maybe I've drunk a bit too much.

Well, Diane, I'm going to switch you orf now. Oh yesh, I know I should have told you, but I invited shum of the idiots to the wedding in a couple of weeks. Not a good idea ish it? Oh bloody hell, what wash I thinking? What will the boss say? And Wills? And Kate? Oh dear.

(switches off dicatphone)

Author's Note: Ronald Reagan was the US President between 1981-1989.

When Arthur refers to NATO and Russia wishing to join – this is a true story apparently the Soviet Union did make attempts to join NATO in 1954.

When Arthur refers to taking part of France – he is probably referring to the 12th century when Normandy, Gascony, Anjou etc came under an English king – the Plantagenets - and not under the French crown.

Portsmouth is a significant naval port and city in the south of England. Presumably when Arthur says that America 'has a mouth the size of Portsmouth' he is inferring that this person America has a big mouth.

The author is unsure of which wedding Arthur is referring to – evidently someone called 'Wills and Kate' are to be married later that month – April 2011.