"You can't make decisions based on fear and the possibility of what might happen."
Michelle Obama

Horse Sense and Heart Sense

By GunShy

Chapter 4: Decisions

Matt and Festus finally got back into town around ten the following night. Buck couldn't help but notice that there had been very little talking, but it had been a companionable silence. Buck didn't actually know that Festus could be that quiet. Buck also noticed that if Festus hadn't hurried Matt along some, they wouldn't have made it to Dodge for another day. The closer they got to home, the more withdrawn Matt had gotten and the more he delayed. He seemed to be slipping back into his own head and he definitely didn't seem to want to get home. Buck didn't like it one bit. Matt had made a good effort to rebuild his tough Marshal façade when Festus had come into camp, but the closer they got to Dodge, the more visible the holes and rents in that outer facade had become. He figured Festus must have noticed as well.

"Say Matthew, whyn't you go on up to Doc's and see if Miss Kitty's up there, and I'll take care of Buck here, and ole Ruth."

"That's okay, Festus. It's pretty late to be bothering Doc, ya know."

"Oh that ole scudder ain't a gonna be asleep yet. And Golly Bill, Matthew, now that I think on it, since Miss Kitty's a heap better and all, ole Doc might a let her go back to her own place. You could check on her your ownself. I seen the Long Branch was still open when we come inta town."

"Since you're so set on it, Festus, I'm gonna take you up on that offer to take care of Buck. I'm pretty tired, though. I think, I'll head over to the jail and call it a night. See ya in the morning,"

"Yeah, Matthew, sure thing." Three pairs of eyes followed Matt's tall distinctive form as he walked straight down Front Street, past Doc's office and past the Long Branch without ever so much as turning his head towards either building. Festus shook his head and mumbled, "Sumpin's powerful wrong with ole Matthew." Buck couldn't agree more.

Buck, as happy as he was to be home and in his own stall, spent a restless night worrying about his human. His sense of Matt's presence was with him, but it wasn't the comforting presence he was used to feeling. It seemed like Matt was all messed up inside. He knew Matt was carrying a lot of guilt over what happened to Kitty, and he was hurting. The guilt had lay over him like a shroud ever since Hays. Even if Buck hadn't been a perceptive horse, Matt's bitter words to Newly that day in Hays said it all: "They took her because I loved her, and I knew better." But, still, he thought that once they got back to Dodge, Matt and Kitty would work it out. That couldn't happen if Matt wouldn't even go see her, though. Truth was, Buck was getting a little tired of Matt wallowing in guilt. Kitty needed him, and it was time he cowboyed up.

Buck was surprised to see Matt back at the stable well before sunrise. He didn't look like he'd been to bed and he sure hadn't cleaned up. Buck didn't like it one bit. He'd brought Matt home emotionally devastated before, but Matt always somehow managed to at least pull himself together on the outside and hide the pain on the inside. Sometimes it seemed to Buck that the more Matt hurt on the inside the tougher he presented on the outside. But today, anyone looking would know, the Marshal wasn't himself.

Matt saddled Buck up, and they headed out of town in the pre-dawn blackness. Matt held him at a steady canter and it wasn't long before Buck figured out they were heading for Pawnee Creek. It was a beautiful morning and they arrived in plenty of time to see the sun rise over the prairie. Matt seated himself with his back to an old and familiar cottonwood and, together, he and Buck watched the spectacle. They saw the miracle of a new day starting and watched as the sunlight rolled across the prairie, giving the prairie grasses a fiery inner glow and turning the riffles in the stream to diamonds. No matter how many times Buck had been witness to the glory of a prairie sunrise, he never ceased to rejoice in the joy of being alive for a new day. As the sun continued its inevitable rise, Matt climbed to his feet, mounted up and headed back to Dodge. It almost felt like old times, almost.

Doc was shambling down the boardwalk towards the Long Branch when Matt and Buck passed him on the way back to the stable. Doc called out, but Matt ignored him. Once back in the stable Matt pulled off Buck's saddle and bridle and started giving him a vigorous currying. Normally, Buck couldn't think of a more glorious way to spend a morning than a ride across the prairie with Matt followed by a brisk currying. These were the times when Matt was usually at his most relaxed and Buck felt especially close to him. But today, things were so wrong in Matt's head that there was no joy in being with him.

Buck wasn't surprised when Doc showed up after following them down to the stable, nor was he surprised when Matt just kept on with his currying as if he didn't notice Doc watching him. Finally, Doc got tired of being ignored and spoke up. "You look like hell, you know."

Buck figured no one could accuse Doc of beating around the bush when he had something to say.

Without pausing in his currying, Matt retorted, "I feel a little bit like that too, Doc."

"Look, son, I don't know what's eating you, but there's a woman over at the Long Branch that puts a lot of store in you. She kinda needs you right now, ya know?" Doc waited for a reply and when it wasn't forthcoming continued, "She's been through an awful lot. They treated her something terrible and they shot her. But, you already know that, dontcha?" Doc took a deep breath and shook his head, pursing his lips. "She's strong and she's healing… physically. But mentally… well, I just don't know." Doc was getting more than a little irritated with Matt's lack of response and put a little bite in his next words. "She needs ya. Been waiting for ya."

Seeming to devote even more attention to the currying, Matt finally bit out, "She doesn't…need… me."

"Matt, are you crazy? She's been through hell."

"Except for her, and maybe you, I probably know that better than anyone." Matt took a deep breath and turned to face his friend, sometime mentor, and near father. "I can't do this anymore."

"Son, you have to do it."

"I've been out on the prairie all morning. Trying to get my head straight. The one thing I keep coming back to is that I have to get out of Dodge."

Doc shook his head, scrubbed at his face and mustache. He couldn't believe this was Matt talking. There were few men that Doc had more respect for than Matt Dillon, and he just couldn't believe he had actually said that. "Are you telling me you're leaving her, now, when she needs ya? Has all this somehow changed how you feel about Kitty, that you don't," Doc could barely force the rest of the sentence out. "That you don't love her anymore?"

Matt glared at his friend, hurt and incredulity warring for dominance in his expression. "Don't love her? How could you say that… to me?"

"Matt, you're not making any sense." Doc paused and sat down on a convenient old barrel. "Why would you leave her?"

"Look, Doc, you say she needs me, and I set a lot of store by you. And, I kind of finally got around to figuring that out for my self anyway. I should have been here for her a lot sooner than this. So I tell you, I'm going to stay, for a while, till she's better. I owe her more than you could ever imagine and I don't know any way to balance that debt. But I promise you, I'll do everything in my power to be the man she needs."

"Well, that's a good start, Matt. But you aren't seriously telling me, that once she recovers, you're just gonna leave her?"

"Doc, above all else, I have to keep her safe. I'm going to start by going over and putting that badge back on and, as best I can, I'm going to look out for the people of Dodge during the cattle season. God knows; I owe them that much and more. "

"And what about, Kitty?" Doc prompted.

"As soon as I get cleaned up, I'm going over to see her, Doc. And I'm gonna be there for her. You know, I'd do anything for her. But, when she's better, and she just has to get better, I'm… leaving."

"But why, Matt? Why? You'll break her heart."

"And mine, Doc." Matt dropped his head and mumbled, "And mine." He raised his head and met Doc's piercing gaze. "But I'm no good for her. I can't give her what she wants. What she deserves."

Doc tried real hard to connect with Matt. Stood back up to get a little closer, looked him straight in the eye. "Don't you think that should be her decision?"

"Nope, not anymore. Matt eyes skittered away, avoiding Doc's scrutiny. Finally, he took a deep breath and shifted his gaze back to lock with Doc's. Buck figured Matt realized this man deserved some explanation. "I just can't wait for the next Jude Bonner or Will Mannon to come along and try to get at me through her. I know they're out there." Matt paused, then returned to industriously currying Buck while softly mumbling, "I can't do this again; I just… can't."

Doc, sensing that Matt was through talking, turned and started walking back to his office. "I'll see you over the office later."

Matt briefly paused in his currying, and turned back towards the entrance to the stable. "And Doc. Thanks for coming over to talk to me. I was having a hard time seeing my way through this. Talkin' it out helped some."

"Sure thing, Matt. Anytime. Maybe we could talk some more… later." Then the old man shuffled out the door mumbling quietly to himself that he wasn't sure if he'd just won a battle or lost the war.

Buck looked over at the old man silhouetted by the sun streaming in the stable door and thought, not for the first time, how lucky Matt was to have him for a friend. There weren't many other men, if any, that Matt would have had that conversation with. His sharp hearing didn't miss the doctor's mumbled last sentence either. Buck figured Doc had won a battle. The war hadn't been fought yet.

At least things were going to be better for a while. Now that Matt had settled on a course of action, Buck sensed a peace and a purpose in him that had been missing for a long time. Matt was not a man that dithered. Right or wrong, he made up his mind and he acted. Buck figured carrying all that guilt and hurt muddled his thought processes and denied him the certainty he was accustomed to use in guiding his actions. The thing was, if there was one thing Buck knew, Matt was a man of his word and if he said he was leaving when Kitty was better, he was leaving. Buck could only hope that something significant would happen before that, because if Matt left, neither Matt, nor Kitty, nor even Dodge would ever be the same.

To be continued