Disclaimer: I own none of the characters. I borrow them. Please don't sue me. I'm already poor.
Author's Note: This is the fourth installment of Chained To Fate. The title is from the song You'll See by Madonna.
Summary: Buffy is slowly coming to terms with her life and getting herself back together. That includes figuring out what it really means to be a Slayer. Spike tries to find his own place in this world as well. Will their worlds meet again?
Rating: R
Chained To Fate
I'll Stand On My Own
~All by myself, I don't need anyone at all
I know I'll survive, I know I'll stay alive
I'll stand on my own, I won't need anyone this time
It will be mine, no one can take it from me…~MADONNA
Buffy sat in the Magic Box looking at the newspaper. She needed to find another job. She was still a little ashamed that she had taken that money from the informant. Even more so, because the right thing to do would have been to give it back. But instead she used it to pay off her credit card. But the money was gone now, and there was no getting it back. And now she had to find a real job. Her Robin Hood act wasn't going to cut it anymore.
Anya came over and sat down next to her.
"How's the job hunt going? I hear Taco Heaven is hiring. I saw the sign yesterday when Xander and I had lunch there." Anya offered cheerfully.
"No. No Taco Heaven, or Meat Palaces. I'm done with food. It's bad enough that slaying leads me to smelling like sewers and demon blood. That I can handle. Fried meat just never washes out of your hair." Buffy said wryly.
"Well, you can't work here. Just so you know. We tried that and it didn't work out." Anya said seriously.
"Yeah. Well, don't worry, I don't want to work here." Buffy said shaking her head at Anya's bluntness.
"I'm sure you'll find something." Anya got up and went over to greet some people who had just walked through the door.
Buffy knew there had to be something out there for her to do that wasn't completely pathetic. Looking back now, she couldn't believe that she took a job in fast food. It was a temporary fix. And the job was as low as she felt. But now, she was feeling better. It was time to find something that really suited her. Something besides slaying anyway.
Just then Xander came in and sat down across from her.
"Hey Buff. Whatcha' doin'?" He asked with a smile.
"Looking for gainful employment again."
"Ah, yeah. I heard you quit the Palace."
"Yeah." She said quietly.
"Seems like a lot of stuff has been going on that I don't know about." He told her quietly.
This was the first time he had really seen her since he learned about her and Spike. He wanted to talk to her, and he wanted her to feel like she could confide in him again. He was trying very hard to tread lightly.
"Sorry Xander. I-I know I haven't exactly been available lately." She admitted as she looked away from him and down at the paper.
"I also heard about you and the bleached wonder. How's that working out for ya?" He asked trying to play it cool.
"The bleached wonder?" She raised her eyebrow at him.
"Yeah, I heard from Willow that you two were pretty close." Xander said, resisting the urge to try and shake some sense into her.
"We aren't together anymore. It's over." She told him softly.
"Oh. Well that's good. Did you kill him?" Xander asked with a hopeful laugh.
Buffy didn't find the humor in his question. She gave Xander a hurt expression.
"No. Despite my history, I don't routinely kill my vampire lovers when I'm finished with them." She said shaking her head.
"How many have you had?" Xander asked with surprise.
"Xander, stop it. Two. There were two. I'm not some kind of freaky vampire groupie." She said defensively.
"Well, two is plenty. I'm glad it's over. And I'm glad to see you hanging here with us again." Xander said sincerely.
"Yeah. It's good to be back." She said not entirely feeling it.
"You don't actually miss him, do you?" He asked, noting her uncertainty.
She looked up at him and shrugged.
"You wouldn't understand, Xander."
He looked at her and knew it wasn't the time for sarcasm or trying to make with the funny.
"Did you love him?" He asked softly.
Buffy shook her head.
"But you did care, right? It wasn't just a passing phase?" He asked.
"No. It was more than that. I just don't want to talk about it. It still hurts." She told him.
"Okay. We won't talk about it. Let's talk about something else. How's the job hunt going?" He asked, pointing at her newspaper.
"Not well so far."
"Well, you can't come back to the construction site. Just so you know. My foreman is still pissy about what happened before." He told her.
She looked at him and laughed.
"You know, you and Anya are the perfect couple." She smiled.
"What? We are?"
"Yes. Just trust me on that one." She told him sincerely.
He smiled at her and then looked over at Anya who was busy behind the register.
"Yeah, I'm lucky I guess." He said.
"You are. Don't forget that." She said patting his hand affectionately.
She was so desperate for someone to have a happy ending. Even if it wasn't her. She realized now that her heart was beginning to show again. Just slightly. But before she really couldn't bring herself to think about anyone else and their happiness. Mostly because she was so miserable. But now, thinking about Xander and Anya living happily ever after, made her smile.
It had been five days since Buffy had walked away from him, and Spike was still devastated. He didn't even leave his crypt. All he could think about was trying to find a way to get her back. He just couldn't accept that it was over, or that she didn't still need him. She had to need him, because he still needed her.
She was his life, as pathetic as that sounded. She was the reason he still wanted to exist. When she had died, it was her memory and her friends that had kept him going. Now he had none of that. When she had come back, he had moved away from their group. He didn't feel needed there anymore. But Buffy had still needed him. And that was what he clung to. Now there was only emptiness.
He was tired of sitting around doing nothing. If he wanted Buffy back, he needed to go find her and talk some sense into her. He felt that if he just talked to her, she'd see that she made a mistake. He knew she missed him, because he could feel it. They were part of each other now, whether she wanted to admit it or not. They had fed from each other. They had drank in each other's lives. It was a bond he knew couldn't be broken easily.
He grabbed his jacket and set out for the Bronze. He wanted to take the chance that Buffy might be there. It was too risky to go to her house. She might de-invite him again. A public place was his best bet. He could make it seem like an accident that they ran into each other. And then he could work his charms. She'd never been able to resist it when he charmed her. He just hoped that his charm wouldn't turn into pathetic desperation.
Buffy and Tara walked into the Bronze together. Tara had insisted Buffy get out of the house and do something fun. Buffy had protested that she was still broke and jobless. But Tara had insisted that it was her treat. Buffy couldn't refuse.
They sat at a table together and watched the people dancing. Tara sipped at her drink and Buffy looked at her.
"So, anything new happening with you? Willow?" Buffy asked curiously.
"We've been talking. Things are better. We had coffee yesterday." Tara smiled.
"Good. That's really great. I'd like to see you two work things out." Buffy said sincerely.
"Me too. It was the hardest thing I ever had to do, letting her go." Tara admitted.
"That is hard, isn't it?" Buffy said, knowing that pain all too well.
"How are you holding up?" Tara inquired. She knew the wounds were still fresh with Buffy and Spike.
"I'm okay. It's hard. I-I miss him. I know that being with him wasn't good, but sometimes I just feel like I want to run to him so he can make me feel better. Make things easier again, you know?" Buffy told her.
"I know. But doing that wasn't helping you. You know that." Tara told her.
"I know. It wasn't. It was just another way for me to run away from my problems."
"Things will get easier. Speaking of that…Have you found a new job yet?" Tara asked.
"No. I really only started looking yesterday. I want to find something good this time." Buffy told her.
"That's important. You need to find something that you can enjoy."
"I don't think I ever want to eat a hamburger again after working at the Palace." Buffy laughed.
"I don't blame you." Tara smiled.
Buffy stood up from the table and looked at Tara.
"I need use the ladies room. When I get back, we should dance. I need a little fun, and dancing is a suitable escape, right?" Buffy told her.
"Dancing is good. I'll wait right here." Tara smiled.
Buffy walked off towards the restroom. She went inside and looked in the mirror. Her face seemed animated again. The dark circles of staying up all night were gone. She almost recognized herself again. But there was still pain lurking underneath. Still so many unanswered questions that needed puzzling out. But it wasn't the face of despair anymore. She smiled at her reflection and went into one of the stalls.
She walked out of the bathroom and headed back to her table. Someone grabbed her arm and pulled her into the shadows. She looked up startled to find Spike staring at her.
"Spike? Let me go." She said wrenching her arm free.
"Buffy we need to talk." He told her.
"We already talked. There isn't anything left to say." She told him seriously.
"No. You talked, I listened. Now it's time for you to listen to me." He told her in a firm voice.
"Don't do this." She protested.
Her heart was beating fast and she glanced around nervously to make sure no one was watching them.
"Buffy, I can't live without you." He said desperately.
"You're gonna have to try."
"I have! I can't do it. And I know you don't want to live without me. I can feel it." He said moving into her space, and leaning over her.
She pushed him back.
"No! Please just leave me alone." She pleaded with him.
"Tell me that you don't still want me." He urged her.
She looked at him sadly and shook her head.
"That's not the point. I may still want you, but nothing has changed." She told him.
"Why are you doing this?" He asked, still not understanding. He was so blinded by his own pain, he couldn't see hers. He couldn't see that he was hurting her instead of helping her.
"I have to do this. Now, please, just get out of here and leave me alone." She said with determination.
He grabbed her arm again as she turned to leave him. He swung her around to face him. Before either one of them could say anything, Tara walked up.
"Let her go, Spike." She said staring him down.
"Stay out of this." He told her angrily.
"No." Tara shook her head.
Buffy pulled her arm free again and gave Tara a thankful look. She quickly headed away from them. Spike attempted to go after her but Tara held her arm out and stopped him.
"Get out of my way!" He told her. But she didn't move. "Buffy! I still love you!" He shouted after her as she disappeared into the crowd.
Tara pushed him back and he glared at her. She held her ground.
"If you really love her, you'll leave her alone." She told him seriously.
"What? What kind of logic is that?" He asked her angrily.
"She needs time. You can't keep pushing her like this. If you do, you'll just make it worse." She explained.
"How? I want to help her. I want her with me. She misses me. I can feel it." He told her desperately.
"She does miss you. But that's not the point. She needs to stand on her own. You know she was using you, don't you?" She asked.
"Don't say that." He said sadly.
"She was. You know it. And she knows it." She said softly.
"We had something. I don't care what you say. We still have something."
"She didn't love you."
"I don't care. I loved her enough for both of us." He told her.
Tara looked at him sympathetically.
"Don't you think you deserve more than that?" She asked sincerely.
He looked up at her surprised.
"What?"
"Don't you think you deserve to be loved in return?" She asked.
He never really allowed himself to think about it like that. No one had ever told him he deserved anything, except a good beating or a stake to the heart. Here this girl was telling him that he deserved to be loved. No one had ever said anything like that to him before.
"You think I deserve love?" He asked surprised by her statement.
"Everyone does."
"But I'm a vampire. I'm evil, remember?" He told her.
"You're not evil."
"Yes I am." He protested.
"Are you reminding me, or yourself?" She asked.
"What?"
"I'm just saying, if you're so evil, then why do you want to help Buffy? Why do you care what happens to her? She was turning into someone else, and you didn't like it. Right?" She asked pointedly.
"No, I didn't like it. But I still loved her. If she wanted to rob convenience stores and torture demons all night, that's fine by me." He said trying to convince himself of that fact.
"Was it really?"
"Yes." He said weakly.
"The why didn't you change her? Make her into a vampire like yourself? If you're really evil, why did you say no?" She asked quietly.
He looked at her startled.
"She told you about that?"
"She did. And she said you told her no."
Spike didn't know what to say to that. It was true. He had told her no. He wouldn't dream of it. Not now. There was a time in his life that he had fantasized about it. Buffy and him together for all eternity. It was a pleasant thought. But it wasn't reality. He didn't want her like that. He knew that now.
"I don't want to see her like that." He admitted as he looked down at his boots.
"It would have probably kept her with you. She would have been all yours. You could have run off together and never looked back at this place."
"Yeah. It could have been great." He said without enthusiasm.
"But you didn't do it. That says a lot. Maybe you need to do some thinking of your own. Buffy's lost right now. She doesn't know where she belongs. I don't think you do either." She said thoughtfully.
"I belong with her." He whispered.
"Maybe. But right now, she doesn't think so. You need to find your own place. One away from Buffy. You're holding each other back. She was using you for escape. And you were using her to tell you what to do. It doesn't work like that." She explained.
"Then how does it work?"
Tara shrugged.
"I don't know. You're strong and smart. You'll figure it out."
He looked up at her with shock and confusion. No one had ever really taken the time to speak to him before. No one had ever given him advice or support. No one had ever truly made him feel like a real person. Not even Buffy. He had told her that she treated him like a man, but it wasn't true. He had felt like a man with her, but that's not how she had viewed him. It was startlingly painful to finally realize that.
Tara left Spike alone with his thoughts and went to find Buffy. She found her standing outside by the entrance to the club. She touched her arm and Buffy jumped. She was half expecting it to be Spike. She was relieved when it wasn't.
"Tara. God, I'm sorry you had to get involved there." Buffy apologized.
"Don't apologize. It's not your fault." She assured her.
"It is my fault. I strung him along for way too long. I shouldn't be surprised that he didn't just sit back and blindly accept it. It's not like it's the first time I've told him it's over." Buffy said with a sigh.
"Yeah, but it's the first time you actually meant it. He knows that. That's why he's trying so hard to hold on."
"I really hurt him, Tara. I knew I was doing it, and I didn't stop myself." Buffy said remorsefully.
"It was a two way street. He let you hurt him."
"That doesn't make it right." Buffy pointed out.
"No. It doesn't. But you recognize that now. You deal with it and you move on. He will too." Tara assured her.
For a moment, Buffy felt her heart wrench. 'Moving on' sounded so final. They would both move on. Suddenly the finality of it all hit her. The thought of him moving on pained her. She knew it was completely selfish. He had every right to find someone else. Just as she did. But still her heart ached. Tara noticed her pained expression.
"You okay?" She asked.
Buffy looked up at her and shook her head to clear her thoughts.
"Yeah. Um, why don't we go somewhere else? I'm kind of hungry. Why don't we hit the coffee shop?" Buffy offered.
"Sure." Tara smiled and they set off away from the Bronze.
Buffy turned around one last time and saw Spike walking out of the club. He looked at her intently. His eyes were sad but his expression was resigned. He was letting her go to live without him. She felt his eyes reaching into her soul. She returned his gaze.
Tara turned around to see what Buffy was looking at. She saw the pain and longing in both their eyes. It was clear that something deeper was transpiring between them. But Tara didn't say anything. It was up to them to figure that out for themselves.
Finally Buffy turned around again and Spike lowered his head and walked off in the other direction. Buffy felt like crying. Seeing him so defeated made her ache all over. The thought of never seeing him again felt like a lead weight in her chest. She couldn't describe the anguish that she felt, seeing him that way. Then it suddenly dawned on her. That was her heart she was feeling. She had found her heart, and it was broken.
The next few weeks passed and Buffy was trying to get back into the swing of things. She hadn't seen or heard from Spike since that night at the Bronze. She tried not to think of him, but she couldn't help but wonder if he had left town. She was too afraid to find out for sure.
She was back to patrolling again, this time alone. It helped her think about things. She was still having trouble with her emotions. She didn't want slaying to fill the void that Spike had left. But she still found comfort in it. She couldn't deny it. It was a painful truth that she had ignored from the moment she found out she was fated to be a Slayer.
She enjoyed what she did. She gleaned satisfaction from every vampire she dusted and every demon she destroyed. It frightened her still, but she tried not to think about it. She was still running away. She realized that. She wished that before Giles had left, she had asked him again to help her find out what being a Slayer really meant.
When she had asked him before, things had gotten crazy. Her mom got sick, she found out about Dawn being the key, Glory was on their tails, and her mom died. And then she died. There was never time to delve into the truths of what she needed to know. Now she realized that maybe asking Giles to tell her, was never the answer to begin with. It was just another way for her to let someone else do her soul searching for her.
Still there was a lot she didn't understand or know about herself. She wasn't sure she could do it all on her own. She considered calling Giles when she got home. She couldn't remember the time difference though. It was probably four in the morning there or something. She decided to head to the Magic Shop. They were still open for another hour. She decided that she'd see if Giles had left any books behind that might tell her something.
She pushed the door open and Anya looked up from her post behind the counter.
"Hey Buffy."
"Hey."
"Are you going to use the training room? Because I have some boxes back there. We just got a new shipment in and I didn't have anywhere to put them." Anya explained.
"No, actually I just wanted to take a look at some of Giles' books." Buffy told her.
"Oh. Is there something evil going on?" Anya asked.
"No. Well, just the usual. I'm looking for something else. Something about Slayers." She told her.
"Oh. I don't think I've seen anything like that. But you can check."
Buffy walked over to the private books behind the counter and started perusing them. Buffy stopped for a moment and looked up at Anya.
"Anya?"
"Yes?"
"You were a demon for like a thousand years, right?"
"Eleven hundred." Anya clarified.
"That's a long time." Buffy told her.
"It didn't seem like that long. Time flies when you're having fun and all that." Anya said with fondness at her memories.
"Did you ever come across any other Slayers?" Buffy asked curiously.
"Sure. Quite a few actually."
"Really? You never said anything before."
"Well, I didn't think it was important. It's not like I stopped and had tea with them. I was a vengeance demon." Anya pointed out.
"I know. But what were they like?"
"I didn't hang around long if I discovered there was a Slayer in town. It was something to be feared." Anya explained.
"Something?" Buffy noticed her not referring to a Slayer as a person.
"Well yeah. Back when I first started out as a demon, we didn't call them Slayers. We called them warrior beasts. They were predators. Preying on demons, such as myself. I tried to steer clear of them." Anya told her.
"Warrior beasts? My god…I'm a beast now?" Buffy asked sadly.
Visions of the first Slayer entered her mind. She may not look like that, but underneath, that was what she was. That was how the demons saw her.
"Well you're not. You're different. These Slayers lived for only one thing. And that was eradicating the Earth of demons. You're not like that." Anya reassured her.
Buffy stared at her and let the truth of what she was saying sink in.
"But I am like that. That's what I do." She said quietly.
"Yeah, but that's not all you do."
"Isn't it?"
Anya saw that Buffy wasn't happy with this news. Anya had never said anything before because no one had ever asked. Now she was wondering if this was one of those times she should have said nothing. Xander tried to explain to her that some things were best left unsaid. She tried to smooth things over.
"Well, you're much nicer and prettier than the other Slayers I've seen." Anya said hoping that would do the trick.
Buffy looked at her gave a small smile.
"Thanks. But I think maybe in the end I'm not so different than they were." She admitted softly.
Buffy walked home slowly that night. She hadn't found any books. But after talking with Anya, she didn't really feel the need to read about it anymore. Anya confirmed what she had always known deep down inside. She wasn't just a person doing a job. She was a warrior. Beast-like. Not completely human.
She may look like an ordinary girl, but underneath the surface, she wasn't even a girl. She was a beast wrapped in a girl shaped package. She had to wonder if that somehow coming back from the dead had made her even more of a Slayer. If that was possible. She couldn't deny the fact that when she returned from her grave, her first instinct was to hunt and kill.
She hadn't even known who she was at first, but she knew she needed to kill these demons that were taking over her town. It was pure instinct. As soon as she regained her senses, the first thing she wanted to do was go out slaying. Her family and her friends were secondary. Slaying had brought her a sense of fulfillment, that she had felt was stripped away from her.
Now she wondered if this was what was wrong with her. Spike could hit her because a Slayer wasn't really human. Maybe Buffy Summers was still dead? Maybe all that was left of her was the Slayer? The warrior beast.
Suddenly she switched her direction and headed for Tara's place. She walked quickly and knocked on her door frantically. Tara threw open the door and looked at Buffy.
"What's wrong?" She asked concerned.
Buffy noticed Tara was in her pajamas and she instantly felt guilty. She hadn't considered the time. It was well after midnight now.
"I'm sorry. You were sleeping, weren't you?" Buffy asked timidly.
"It's okay. Come in. Is something wrong?" Tara asked, as Buffy stepped inside and made her way to into the room.
"I need to see the spell that Willow used to bring me back." She told Tara seriously.
"What? Why?"
"Because. I want to see it." Buffy said with determination.
"I already looked it over. I told you what I found." Tara explained, not really certain why Buffy needed to see it.
"I know. But it's just something I need to see for myself." Buffy said softly.
"Okay. I-I have the book in my room. Hang on." Tara said, as she went to retrieve the text.
She came back in and handed the large book over to Buffy. She opened it and started leafing through it carefully.
"It starts on page seventy-five." Tara pointed out.
Buffy flipped to the page and began reading the passage. Most of it made no sense to her. Then she saw the words and something inside her clicked. She looked up at Tara.
"What does this mean?" She asked pointing to the page.
Tara looked at it and shrugged.
"T-that was part of the incantation that Willow recited."
"Yeah. But what does that mean exactly? Osiris. Here lies the warrior of the
people. Let her cross over." Buffy recited the verse.
"I-I don't know. Willow said that since you didn't die a natural death, that this spell would be able to bring you back." Tara tried to explain awkwardly.
"Did anyone even ask if she knew what she was doing?" Buffy asked with irritation in her voice.
Tara hung her head down. The truth of it was that she and everyone else had trusted Willow implicitly. Tara was a witch too, but this was something that went beyond her ability. She hadn't prodded Willow with questions because she had faith in her motives and her ability. Tara couldn't deny now what a mistake it had been.
"Willow assured everyone that this would work. We trusted her judgment."
"But you never even asked how she could do this?" Buffy inquired.
"Not really… Buffy is there something about that passage that's bothering you?" Tara asked, wondering why all of a sudden Buffy was so adamant about reading it.
"Tara, I think that something is different about me. This says 'Here lies the warrior of the people'. It doesn't say anything about Buffy. It doesn't mention me at all. Just the warrior. The Slayer." Buffy pointed out.
"Are you saying you think that Willow only brought back the Slayer and not the rest of you?" Tara asked.
"That's what I'm saying. Is that possible?"
Tara looked at Buffy with surprise. She'd never even considered such a thing. In her mind, Buffy was the Slayer. There weren't two separate parts. That was just what she was.
"I-I don't know. I don't think so. I mean, the spell was supposed to bring you back. Not just a piece of you." Tara told her.
"I know, but is it possible?" Buffy prodded her.
Tara thought for a moment, then shook her head.
"No. Willow researched this and she knew what she was doing. But—."
"But what?" Buffy interrupted quickly.
"Well, the spell was interrupted. S-she didn't finish it." Tara said regretfully.
"She didn't finish it? And yet here I am. How did you guys explain that?" Buffy asked incredulously.
"We didn't. We were just happy to see you." Tara said softly.
Buffy tried to absorb everything that Tara was telling her. She felt anger and resentment towards Willow again for trying to play God with her life. And she felt irritation with everyone else for following her so blindly.
"So then tell me, is it possible that part of me is missing? That somehow my humanity is still floating around in the ether somewhere?" Buffy asked.
Tara looked at her sympathetically. She felt a world of guilt for being part of the spell in the first place. As a witch she should have known better.
"I really don't think so. But I guess it's possible." She whispered.
"Oh god…" Buffy said miserably.
She felt the tears stinging her eyes and wiped them away hastily. Tara reached over and touched her arm softly.
"I'm sorry Buffy. I-I had no idea that this could happen. Or if it even did. We don't have any proof." Tara said trying to smooth things over.
"I don't need proof." Buffy whispered.
"But you haven't lost your humanity, Buffy. Look at yourself. You've always been the Slayer. It's always been part of you. Maybe now, it's just a bigger part. We don't know that. But you're still who you've always been."
"But then why do I have this hunger inside me? This need that I can't explain?" She asked desperately.
"It wasn't there before?"
Buffy looked at her and realized that it had always been there. It wasn't new to her. It was just stronger and clearer.
"It's always been there." She confessed.
"Then nothing has really changed." Tara pointed out.
"I don't want to become some kind of savage. I've seen what a true Slayer looks like, and it's not pretty."
"Is that what you see when you look in the mirror? A savage?"
"I did. Before…I did."
"And now?"
"I don't know what I see. I just know I don't want to be like that. I was becoming something that I hated. I'm afraid that I won't be able to stop it." Buffy said tearfully.
"You're stronger than that. You're the strongest person I've ever met."
"But what if that's my fate?" Buffy asked sadly.
"No. No one is chained to fate. We are always free to change our paths." Tara disagreed.
"But what if Slayer's really are just beasts? Look at Faith. That's exactly what I was becoming. What if there wasn't anything wrong with her? What if she was just being a Slayer. That's what she always told me." Buffy remembered.
"But Faith wasn't just a Slayer either, Buffy. She was still a girl. A lost, scared girl. But human all the same. You need to realize that people aren't infallible. They screw up. They get lost. They do bad things. And if they're lucky? They get themselves out of it."
"I know that."
"Do you?"
"Of course I do."
"Then stop trying to find something evil or beastly about the way you feel. You're looking for demons where there aren't any. You haven't lost your humanity. I think you've finally found it." Tara told her sincerely.
"You think I'm looking for excuses?"
Tara looked at her sympathetically.
"Listen, you've met my family, right? All my life, whenever I screwed up, they blamed it on the demon inside me. And I believed them. It was easier to think that I had no control over myself. But that's not the way it really was." Tara told her.
"I forgot about your family." Buffy said quietly.
"They treated me like I was less than human, until I finally started believing it. But then after awhile, it didn't matter to me anymore. I knew I wasn't evil. Deep down, I knew that even if I wasn't human, I was still good."
"But you are human. They just lied to you because they were twisted and cruel. I really might not be human anymore." Buffy said.
"Will that really matter?" Tara asked.
"What? Of course it really matters." Buffy said shocked at her question.
"I know that seems like a stupid question, but think about it. If being a Slayer means being a little less than human, will that change things? Will that change who you are inside?" Tara asked sincerely.
Buffy stared at her and it felt like a lightning bolt hit her. She was still searching for reasons and excuses for not being perfect. The truth was, no body was perfect. Being human didn't make you good. And being less than human didn't make you evil. Things were just easier when you viewed them that way. It made her job easier. Humans were always the good guys and demons needed to be killed. It was simple.
She knew now that it really wasn't that simple. There were plenty of demons that weren't evil. They didn't hurt people. Spike was one of them. He did have a chip in his head, but Buffy knew it went deeper than that. He still had the capacity to be evil, despite the chip. Instead he stood alongside her and helped her. He loved her more than she believed she could ever love him. And now, he could hurt her. But he hadn't. Even when she had begged him to hurt her, he wouldn't. She had completely ripped out his heart and stepped on it, and he didn't do anything. That wasn't evil.
And then there were others. Spike's friend Clem and the informant demon. She didn't even know his name. It hadn't mattered to her at the time. He was just a thing, not a person. And she'd stolen his money. It made her sick inside to see how completely biased and blind she'd been. Especially when right under her nose, someone like Warren was murdering his ex-girlfriend and blaming it on her. There was no demon controlling him, or making him do evil things. He was just bad, and he was human. She felt stupid for not truly seeing that until now.
She looked up at Tara and shook her head.
"I guess it really wouldn't change things."
"Everyone has a darkness inside them. Everyone. And maybe being a Slayer does make you more susceptible to it. I don't know. But it's still your life. You have to take responsibility for it." Tara said truthfully.
Buffy realized that everything Tara said was true. She sat there for a few minutes and let it sink in. It was a hard pill to swallow, but the truth none the less. Buffy looked at the clock and noticed that it was really getting late. She stood up to leave.
"I really should get going now. I don't want to keep you up anymore." Buffy told her.
"Alright. Are you sure you're okay?"
"Yeah. I will be. Thanks again for being here for me. I'm feeling like I need to start paying you or something." Buffy said with a sheepish grin.
"It's free of charge."
"Thanks." Buffy turned around and headed for the door.
"Buffy?"
She turned around and faced her.
"I'm really sorry about everything. With the spell and all."
"It's okay."
"I-if you want, I can research it again. I know some people that might be able to help. You know, see if something went wrong?" Tara offered.
Buffy thought about it for a moment then shook her head.
"That's okay. I don't really need to know." She smiled.
Tara watched as Buffy walked out and closed the door behind her. Things were a lot clearer now. Things made sense again. And not in the warped way it was making sense before. She realized that even if she was more of a Slayer than she was before, it didn't matter. She was still the same person. It had always been a part of her and always would be. It was up to her to keep that balance. She was always going to be the Slayer. But she also had to be Buffy too. She couldn't lose sight of that again.
Spike sat a table in one of the seedier demon bars in town. He wanted to drown his sorrows in a place that he knew Buffy didn't even know about. It was the place where he had gone before to get information for her. Tonight, he was there because he wanted to fit in again. He wanted a place to call his own, that had nothing to do with Buffy.
Tara's words to him had bothered him a lot. She questioned whether or not he was really evil. That seemed ridiculous to him. He was a vampire. Evil was what he did. His entire existence for over a hundred years was based on that very fact. To consider he might be anything else, was upsetting.
Most people would probably be relieved to be told they weren't evil. But Spike wasn't a people. He was a demon. And demons were evil. That was just the way it was. Still he couldn't explain to himself why Buffy's darkness had bothered him. Frightened him even. There were times he wished he had just turned her when she asked him to. Maybe things would have made more sense. And maybe she would still be with him.
And then a vision of Buffy with blood on her lips and a crazed look in her eyes would enter his thought. It would chill him. He hated seeing her like that. His favorite vision of her was the first time he saw her alive again. Someone he had previously thought was dead, stood right before his eyes. Scared and sad, but very much alive and breathing. She had looked like an angel to him that night as she descended the stairs. That was the vision of her he wanted to keep.
He shook the thoughts out of his mind and drained his beer. There was no sense thinking about this now, he told himself. She was out of his life and it was time to move on. Get back to who he really was. That was what Tara had told him. A life away from Buffy. He could handle that. He'd lived without her for more than a hundred years. And he'd lived well. Sure, he had a chip in his head now, which made going back to his old life more difficult. But he could work around it. There was still plenty of chaos and mayhem to cause in this town. Chip or not. It was time to start getting back to that.
He stood up and walked over to a table where some vampires were playing cards. He sat down with them.
"Room for one more?" He asked them.
"You got money?" One of them asked.
Spike produced a wad of bills and tossed them down on the table. At this establishment, money was still the preferred currency. He smiled at them.
"You're in." The vampire told him with a nod of his head.
He handed the cards to Spike.
"You deal."
Spike started shuffling the cards and then he paused to look at them before dealing.
"In this game the rules are a little different." He told them.
"What do you mean?" On of the vampires asked.
"Well, see, I've got money. But if I win? I want something else." Spike explained calmly.
"What kinda shit are you rattling on about? Just deal. We play for money. End of story." The vampire said with irritation.
Spike ignored his impatience and shook his head.
"If I win, I want something to eat." He explained.
"What? Go get your own food."
"See, I have a little problem. It's a long story. But I need one of you to bring me a fresh kill. I can eat, but only if they're already dead." He explained to them.
"What's wrong with you man?" Another vampire asked.
"Government boy's put a chip in my head. I can't feed on anyone who is alive. But I'm hoping you boys will help me out. You game?" Spike asked.
"We still get the money if you don't win, right?" One of them asked.
"Yeah. The way I see it, you've got nothing to lose. Shall I deal?" Spike asked, getting impatient himself.
"Deal em."
They played cards for almost an hour before Spike finally won a hand. He smiled to himself satisfactorily. He was beginning to think he'd never win a hand. Now suddenly that he had, he felt a little nervous. He pushed the thoughts away and tried to concentrate on how good it would taste to drink human blood again. He'd tasted Buffy, and couldn't deny that it was a thousand times better than pig's blood. It still wasn't a meal though. He could never do that to her. But he could do it to someone he didn't know or care about, he thought to himself.
"Okay, I'm done. Who's gonna take me to dinner?" Spike asked.
One of the vampires stood up from the table.
"I will. I'm broke and I could use a bite myself. Let's go." He told Spike.
They set off together in search of two suitable victims. The vampire started to head down an alleyway and Spike grabbed his arm.
"Not that way. The Slayer patrols over there. Let's go this way." He said indicating the opposite direction.
"How would you know where she patrols?" He asked.
"I've learned if you wanna stay alive, you avoid her." Spike explained quickly.
The guilt at what he was about to do was eating at him. And that fact was just making him angry. He wasn't supposed to feel guilty about this. This was what he was supposed to do. He pushed the thoughts away and they came upon two women leaving another bar. The vampire tugged his arm and smiled.
"Bingo. They're pretty too." He said wickedly.
Spike watched as the vampire grabbed one of the girls from behind. She started screaming and her friend tried to run away. Spike vamped out and blocked her path. She stared at him with horror and started begging him not hurt her. He glanced over at his new friend who was already feeding from the other woman.
His eyes darted back and forth between the two scenes. A terrified woman screaming at him, and a monster murdering another. A monster just like him. Suddenly he didn't know what to do. He saw a wooden crate lying next to a dumpster. He kicked at it with his boot and shattered it. He picked up one of the planks of wood and held it up. The woman screamed louder, thinking he was going to beat her with it. He moved past her and plunged the wood into the other vampires back. The last thing he saw was a bewildered expression on the vampires face as he exploded into ashes.
Spike threw the makeshift stake onto the ground and started cursing himself.
"Damn it! What the bleeding hell is wrong with you, Spike?" He shouted to himself.
The woman who had been bitten was shaken up and clutching at her neck. Her friend ran over to her and tried to comfort her. They both looked at Spike thankfully.
"You saved my life." The woman with the bite told him gratefully.
He looked at both of them. He was disgusted with himself.
"Get out of here!" He shouted at the women.
They both jumped at his harsh words, but they weren't stupid. They ran quickly in the other direction. Spike stood there completely baffled. He had it made tonight. This vampire could have proven to be a friend to him. They could have worked a deal out. Spike knew he had just ruined any chance of that happening.
Seeing the savagery of the attack affected him. This was what Buffy saw when she looked at him. She saw a creature feeding on innocent lives. And this wasn't something he wanted to be anymore. That thought struck him like a lightening bolt. It startled him and horrified him at the same time. How could he not be this anymore? This was his fate. This was what he was born to be. He wasn't sure it was really possible to change that. But something deep inside himself had already changed. Tonight was proof of that.
A few days later, Spike walked into the Bronze hoping to find Tara. He would have gone to her house, but he didn't know where she lived. He didn't know where else she would hang out, so he took a chance. He knew he probably had no right to seek her out or to speak to her. She was Buffy's friend, not his. But she also seemed to consider him a person. She had treated him kindly the night he had lost his cool with Buffy. He was banking on the fact that she might do so again.
He waded through the crowd and stood underneath the stairs. He slipped past some people and headed up to the catwalk. The catwalk certainly brought back memories of he and Buffy being alone up there. He shook that thought away and peered down over the crowd. Then he saw them. Buffy was there with all her friends. He felt himself longing to be a part of their group, but he knew he wasn't wanted there. He never had been.
He saw Buffy go out to the dance floor with Willow and Anya. Xander went to the bar presumably to get drinks for everyone. He saw Tara left alone at the table. She glanced around and got up. He saw her heading for the ladies room. He made his way down the stairs and stood in the corner near the restrooms. Tara walked out and he stepped in front of her. She stepped back, startled.
"Spike? What are you doing here?" She asked nervously.
"Don't worry. I'm not here to see Buffy. I wanna talk to you." He said quietly.
"Me? Why?"
"I need to ask you something."
"About Buffy?" She asked curiously.
"No. Look can we go somewhere a little more private?" He asked indicating the catwalk.
She looked at him for a moment then nodded her head. They walked upstairs together and stood at the back of the catwalk, away from the railing.
"What's going on?" She asked him.
"Remember how you told me I needed to figure out where I belonged? I needed to start doing things for me again?" He questioned her.
"Right. I-I said that."
"Well I tried. The other night I was at the bar having a few drinks, you know? Then it dawned on me. I'm still a vampire. I should be doing vampire things. Screw the chip, right?" He tried to explain.
Tara looked at him nervously. She suddenly wondered where this conversation was going.
"What did you do?" She asked him.
"I figured since I can't kill anyone, I'd just get someone else to do it for me, you know? That way I could still feed. Things could get back to normal."
"Uh-huh." Tara said nervously.
"But I couldn't do it. I couldn't bloody go through with it." He said still brimming with confusion.
"You couldn't go through with it?" She asked relieved and startled.
"I dusted the poor sod. Damn it! What the hell is wrong with me?" He asked her desperately.
"What do you mean? This is good news, isn't it?" Tara asked confused.
"Good news? Are you mad? I'm a bleeding vampire! What am I supposed to do with that?" He asked her in a loud voice.
Some other club goers who were standing near them glanced in their direction. Tara just smiled sweetly at them and turned to Spike.
"Calm down, Spike."
"How am I supposed to do that?" He asked.
"Look, why are you telling me this?" She wondered curiously.
"Because. You seemed to think before that I wasn't really evil. You said so. I wanna know how that's possible. I wanna know what's happening to me." He pleaded with her.
She looked at him and shook her head.
"I don't know what's happening to you. I just sensed something. You're different. You've known that for awhile." She pointed out.
"But how can I be different? I'm supposed to be evil. That's what a vampire is." He pointed out.
"Usually."
"Yeah, so then why couldn't I let that guy kill for me? Why'd I stop him?"
"I can't answer that."
"Well try!" He pleaded with her.
"I'll just tell you the same thing I told Buffy. No one is chained to fate. We make our own choices and choose our own paths." She explained quietly.
"Even demons like me?"
"Even you." She nodded her head.
He stood there looking at her with a mixture of shock and confusion. None of this made sense. It went against everything he'd always believed about himself. When he had started helping Buffy and her friends, he argued with himself that it was for the money. Or to relieve boredom. Then when he fell in love with her, he did it because she would have wanted him to. Now he had no reasons. All that was left was himself. And suddenly he didn't know who that person was.
"What do I do now?" He asked.
"Whatever you want. Whatever feels right." She smiled.
She turned around and started to walk away from him. He called out after her.
"Tara?"
She turned and faced him.
"Yeah?"
"How is she?" He asked quietly.
Tara smiled.
"She's doing better."
"Good." He said softly. Then he added, "Don't tell her I was here."
"I won't."
She turned around and walked down the stairs. He leaned over the railing and saw her rejoin their group. He saw Buffy come in from the dance floor and sit next to Tara. They spoke for a minute and he saw Buffy laugh at something that was said. He smiled to himself. It was good to see her happy again. Even if it was without him.
Buffy stood in front of her mirror and again and scrutinized her reflection. She turned around and looked at Dawn who was lying on Buffy's bed reading a magazine.
"Are you sure I look respectable? I want to make a good impression. I really want this job." Buffy told her.
"You look fine, Buffy."
"Yeah, but do you respect me?"
"No. But that's just cause I know you." Dawn teased with a smile.
Buffy picked up a throw pillow and tossed it at Dawn. She ducked away from it.
"Hey! Be nice. You have Slayer strength remember?" Dawn laughed.
"Yes, I do. Don't you think that warrants a little respect?" Buffy asked raising her eyebrow.
"Okay, you look respectable." Dawn conceded. "I'm sure you'll get the job. If not, you can always beg." Dawn offered.
"I might have to." Buffy said worriedly.
"I'm sure you won't." Dawn assured her.
"Do I look fashionable? This job is in a clothing store. If I look lame, they'll laugh at me." Buffy worried.
"You look very fashionable. Quit worrying so much."
"You're right. I look good." Buffy smiled, trying to be confident.
"Are you going to be home for dinner tonight?" Dawn asked.
"Yeah. I'm even going to cook. Well, try anyway. Spaghetti?" Buffy asked.
"Sounds good." Dawn smiled.
Dawn was so relieved to have Buffy acting more like herself again. Dawn really didn't know what had happened with her. She knew that things were really messed up for a long time. But things seemed to be getting better finally. Buffy spent time with her again. They talked and laughed like they used to before everything had gotten insane.
Buffy still patrolled every night, but Dawn was okay with that. She knew she had been selfish too. Buffy had a lot to deal with and she had only made things worse before. She felt guilty about it, but Buffy seemed to have forgiven her. Things were finally starting to feel real again for the first time since before their mother had died. It wasn't perfect, but then again, nothing ever was.
"I need to get going now. I'll be back before five." Buffy said to Dawn as she grabbed her purse.
"I'll be here."
"Good." Buffy said as she walked out the door. Then she peeked her head back in. "You meant your own room, right?" She asked with a raised eyebrow.
Dawn picked herself off the bed and sighed.
"Fine. It's not like I was hurting anything in here." Dawn said shaking her head.
"Yeah, but I don't want you in my closet. You still haven't given me back my purple shirt." Buffy pointed out.
"I will." Dawn said rolling her eyes.
"Get out." Buffy said with a smile.
Dawn pretended to be annoyed but they both knew this was just normal sisterly stuff. It wasn't like before. They both could deal with this.
A week later, Buffy sat a table in a coffee shop with Willow and Tara. Things were much better between the two witches. They were tentatively back together. Nothing was serious yet, but they agreed to be friends again. Buffy was happy for them. It gave her hope that one day she'd find happiness like that.
"So, how was your first day at work?" Willow asked curiously.
"It was okay. Actually it was kind of fun." She smiled sincerely.
"That's great." Tara smiled.
"Yeah, except I already saw three outfits I wanted to buy with my first paycheck. I'm thinking that working around clothes might be a distraction." Buffy laughed.
"It's better than hamburgers though." Willow pointed out.
"Very much better." Buffy nodded her head.
Willow stood up from the table.
"I'll be right back. I need to use the ladies room. Too much coffee already." Willow told them.
She walked into the back of the coffee shop and Tara looked after her with a smile. Buffy noticed and touched her on the arm.
"Still crazy about her, huh?" Buffy asked.
"What? Oh, was I being obvious?" Tara asked sheepishly.
"Kinda." Buffy smiled.
"I missed her. Being away from her was really hard."
"I know the feeling." Buffy said softly.
"How are you doing? Have you seen Spike?" She asked.
Buffy shook her head.
"No. I haven't."
"Do you miss him?" Tara asked curiously.
Buffy nodded her head.
"Yeah. It's weird. I mean, when we were together things were awful. I mean they really were. I didn't think that staying away from him was going to hurt like this." Buffy said, confused over her own feelings.
"Maybe you should see him?" Tara offered.
"No. I can't. I don't even know if he's still in town. And even if he was, he probably wouldn't want to see me." Buffy said seriously.
"I'm sure he would."
"I don't know. I don't miss the way things were. I don't want to go back to that. I don't know what I miss…It's just sometimes I miss…" Buffy trailed off.
"Him? You miss him?" She finished her thought.
Buffy nodded her head.
"I do."
"Well maybe you could be friends again?"
"We never were friends." Buffy pointed out.
"Well, you could change that." Tara told her.
"I don't know. He's probably all moved on by now…Let's talk about something else." Buffy said shaking away her thoughts of Spike.
"Okay."
Just then Willow came back and sat down with them.
"Whatcha guys talking about?" She asked.
Tara looked at Buffy wondering if she wanted to let Willow in on the conversation. Tara knew that Willow was aware of the relationship Spike and Buffy had. But Tara also knew Buffy didn't talk about it with Willow.
"We were just talking about Spike." Buffy admitted.
"Oh. Um, have you seen him?" Willow asked curiously.
"No."
"Oh." Willow said awkwardly, not sure what else to say.
"But we were done talking about it anyway. It's no big. We were just gonna talk about something else. Right?" Buffy asked quickly changing the subject again.
"Right. What else should we talk about?" Tara pondered.
Buffy looked up at the clock and realized that she needed to get home. She had promised Dawn dinner and a video. She looked at her friends.
"Actually, I need to go. Dawn's waiting for me." Buffy told them.
"Oh. Should I come with you?" Willow asked.
"No. That's okay. It's just gonna be sister night, I think. You two should stay and have fun." Buffy smiled at them.
She really wanted them to get back together, and with her there, things weren't going to progress. She figured they wouldn't even miss her.
"Okay. See you later." Willow said with a smile.
"Bye." Buffy walked away from the table and out the door.
Willow looked at Tara curiously.
"So you guys were talking about Spike?" She asked.
"Yeah."
"She misses him, doesn't she?" Willow asked.
"I think she loves him." Tara said softly.
"You do? Did she say that?" Willow asked with surprise.
"No. But she didn't have to. I'm not sure she knows it yet." Tara said thoughtfully.
"Do you think that it's healthy for her to be thinking of him like that? I mean, she's finally getting her life together." Willow said with concern.
"That's why she's thinking of him like that." Tara said with a smile.
"I'm just not sure that he's good for her."
"He might surprise you." Tara told her with a smile.
Buffy walked down the darkened street on her patrol. It had been a slower than normal night for her. She was admittedly getting a little bored out there by herself. Sometimes she missed having someone to patrol with. Her friends were always busy with other things now, and that was okay. But it was still a little lonely. It was times like this that she missed Spike the most.
One thing she had to admit, was that they had always made a really good team. From the moment they stopped fighting each other, and started working together, things had clicked for them. The night he had come to her offering to help defeat Angel was the first time they had fought on the same side. Immediately it seemed like they had always been a team. To anyone watching them on her front porch that night, it would have seemed they'd been partners forever.
She missed that feeling. But she also knew it was deeper than that. There were other things she missed too. She just couldn't define them. Being with him had felt right. She assumed it was only because she was escaping her life, and anything that would allow her to do that would have felt the same way. But now she wasn't so sure. She had no desire to go back to the way things were. Things were terrible. And yet, she still missed him. She wasn't sure what that meant.
She rounded the corner and ran right into a familiar, green skinned demon. He jumped away from her and gave her a frightened look.
"I-I'm just passing through. Don't hurt me. I ain't got no money." The informant said anxiously.
Buffy felt a huge wave of guilt overcome her. She hoped she'd never see this guy again. But here he was in front of her. She wasn't sure what to say.
"I don't want your money."
"Really? Well, you coulda fooled me." He said feeling irritated.
"I'm sorry about the last time. Here." She said handing him a twenty dollar bill.
He took it and stared at her.
"You took way more than that." He told her.
"Yeah, well, you get what you get. That's all I have." She said, desperately wanting to get out of there.
She turned around quickly and started to walk off. He called after her.
"You don't have to give me this. You were right. You can pretty much do what you like." He told her seriously.
She turned around and faced him.
"No. I can't do anything I like. Just keep it." She urged him.
She turned around and walked off again.
"I got a tip for you." He called out.
She walked back over to him.
"I'm listening."
"There's this place, an abandoned factory. There's small group of demons. They like to eat kids. Nasty bunch. You should probably check it out." He told her.
"This a trap?" She asked skeptically. She wouldn't blame him for setting her up after what she did to him before.
"Nah. I didn't know you were gonna be here. How could I set a trap? Besides, that ain't my style." He said slightly offended.
He pulled out a slip of paper and wrote something down.
"Here's the address. You can check it out if you want." He handed it to her.
She watched him walk away and shook her head. He was definitely not deserving of her earlier treatment. He hadn't even held a grudge over what she had done. He was certainly not what you would call an evil demon. She knew human beings who would have been far less forgiving. It gave her something to think about as she headed home to get a better supply of weapons. It might turn out to be an interesting night after all.
Buffy walked down to the factory district. She had her weapons bag in her hand and had her favorite battle axe over her shoulder. Just as she was readying herself to open the door to the factory, it swung open and nearly hit her in the face.
She jumped back startled and got into battle stance. She dropped her bag and raised her weapon.
"Hey now. Watch where you're swinging that thing." Spike told her.
She immediately realized who it was she was getting ready to kill. She lowered her axe.
"Spike? What the hell are you doing here?" She asked, immediately wondering if he was involved with these demons.
"I was just taking care of some business. That's all." He said with a shrug.
Seeing her again was startling. He had no idea she'd show up here. He felt himself becoming nervous and he shifted uncomfortably.
"What kind of business?" She asked suspiciously.
"Just business. Nothing to concern yourself with." He assured her. "What are you doing here?"
"I'm looking for a group of demons who have been eating some of the locals. You wouldn't know anything about that, would you?" She asked him curiously.
"Why would I?"
"Because this is the address I was given, and you just walked out. So I'd say you must know something."
He just stared at her and said nothing. He could sense that she didn't trust him, and that she thought he might be in cahoots with the bad guys. Some things never changed and it pained him.
She waited for his response and got nothing. She shook her head and went to open the door. She started to go inside and he called after her.
"There's nothing to see in there." He told her.
She walked into the room and saw five demons laying on the ground in various states of deadness. She looked at Spike.
"Did you do this?" She asked.
"Yeah."
"Why didn't you just tell me that you killed them?" She asked curiously.
"Well, what did you think I was doing here?" He asked.
She instantly felt guilty for thinking the worst about him. She had to stop doing that. It was just such a shock to see him there. After the way they had left things, she had no idea what he might do next.
"I didn't know what you were doing." She said quietly.
"But you just assumed that I was what? Working with them?" He asked with irritation.
"No." She protested quickly.
"You used to trust me." He said softly.
Buffy didn't know what to say to that. She looked away from him and walked towards the door. She stepped outside and Spike followed her. The whole situation was uncomfortable for them both. This was the first time they had seen each other in almost two months. Finally Spike broke the awkward silence.
"I should probably be going."
He turned around and started to walk away. Buffy watched him and felt her stomach flip nervously. She called out after him.
"Spike! Wait."
He turned and faced her again.
"Why'd you kill them?" She asked.
"They needed killing and I wasn't busy." He shrugged.
She looked at him and smiled.
"So did you bring your band of rogue demon Scoobies with you?" She asked.
"My what?"
"Demon Scoobies." She said feeling a little stupid that he hadn't remembered her earlier joke.
"Oh. Right. Yeah, well, I left them at home." He said, getting the joke.
"Oh."
"Where are your Scoobies? I figured you would all be chained at the hip once you got rid of me." He said with a touch of bitterness.
"I left them at home too." She said, choosing to ignore his bitterness.
"Yeah, I'm more of a lone wolf myself."
"Me too." She agreed.
"It's better that way, right?"
"Actually, I kind of miss having a partner." She said softly.
"Yeah? Well, run along then. I'm sure there's still time to round up one your faithful followers." He encouraged her.
She looked at him and shook her head.
"I was talking about you, stupid." She said with a smirk.
"Me?"
"Yes, you." She smiled at him.
He looked at her and realized she was serious. He smiled back.
"You missed me?"
"Maybe." She said coyly.
He smirked at her.
"So you're saying you wanna patrol together again?" He asked.
"Do you?"
"I think maybe you just wanna keep me with you, so you don't miss out on the action. You're a little miffed I got here first tonight. Afraid I'm stealing your job?" He asked with a joking smile.
"Hey, a girls gotta make a living." She joked.
He chuckled then gave her a serious look.
"So, you still making withdrawals from the First National Bank of Demon?" He asked her.
She looked down at her feet and shifted uncomfortably.
"No. I closed my account there." She said with an embarrassed look.
"Ah. Well, that's good to know."
"I've actually got a real job now. A paying one anyway." She told him with a smile.
"Really? Burger hell take you back?"
"No. Thank God. I work at the mall. It's not much, but it pays the bills." She told him.
"The mall?"
"Yeah, I work in a clothing store. It's actually kind of fun. Plus, I get a discount. And bonus! I don't smell like a grease trap when I leave."
"Yeah, that smell…I meant to tell you about that before." He said with a smirk.
"Yeah, yeah. It was gross. I get it." She said shaking her head.
"You seem happy. Are you happy now?" He asked softly.
"Yeah. I'm doing okay. It's been a little rough, but I'm getting there."
"Yeah, I'm doing okay too." He told her.
"Good. I was wondering."
"You were?" He asked with surprise.
"Well, I hadn't seen you. I-I thought maybe you'd left town." She said nervously.
"Did you want me to leave town?"
"Not really." She admitted.
He smiled at that. At least she wasn't banishing him from her town. That was a start.
"Well, I've been around. Been keeping my distance though. I thought maybe you were the one leaving town." He told her.
"Me? Why?"
"Saw the for sale sign in front of your house the other night." He said looking down at his feet. He was a little embarrassed to admit he still went by her house from time to time.
"Oh, you saw that? I had to put it on the market. It's just too expensive right now." She explained.
"Any takers?"
"Not yet." She smiled.
"Well there's a sucker born every minute, right? I'm sure someone will come along." He laughed.
"That's reassuring."
"Where you gonna live?" He asked.
"I've been looking at some apartments. Nothing special. Just big enough for me and Dawn."
"What about Willow?"
"She's going to move back home for awhile, and then back into the dorm next fall."
"Everything okay there with you two?" He wondered.
"Yeah. Things are okay. I just figured it's time I headed out on my own." Buffy said with a confident look.
"Good for you, then." He said sincerely.
Silence settled over them and they stood there for a moment staring at each other. It felt awkward. But also familiar. Buffy had missed being with him. Their time apart hadn't made her forget all the things that they shared. But then again, she hadn't really wanted to forget. Not entirely.
"So, you wanna do it then?" He asked breaking the silence.
"Do it?" She asked nervously.
"Hit the cemeteries? You said you wanted a partner." He pointed out.
"Right. Do you want to? I mean if you're all lone wolf-y, I understand." She said quickly.
"No, I want to."
"Okay. Good." She smiled.
He stared at her and waited for her to make a move of some sort, but she remained rooted in her spot.
"Are we gonna actually walk, or can you teleport us to the cemetery?" He asked with a sly smile.
"No. We can walk. Sorry. It's just…It's weird to see you again." She admitted.
"Yeah. You too."
"You know this doesn't mean—."
"I know." He stopped her.
"I-I just didn't want you to think—."
"I don't. We're partners. Nothing else. You don't have to explain." He told her.
She nodded her head and they started walking silently. Buffy still couldn't believe she had run into him tonight. He had taken out her demons before she even had a chance to get there. And he hadn't done it for her. He had done it because he wanted to apparently. For whatever reason. It wasn't like he was on this mission of good, but the outcome was the same. Maybe it didn't really matter why?
And in spite of herself, being with him felt good again. It wasn't because she was escaping this time. She wasn't hurting him or using him to make her life better. They were equals. Two people who were completely different, but wanting the same things. She knew that her feelings for him were still strong. But this time it wasn't need or desperation. It was something else. She just wasn't sure what yet.
"We always did make a good team, you know." He said, jolting her out of her thoughts.
"Yeah. We did." She smiled.
"I mean, we can be partners, right? Strictly a working relationship." He said, trying to convince himself of that.
"Yeah. I'm sure we can. We did it before. Sort of." She said awkwardly.
"Right. It'll be a piece of cake."
"Exactly like a piece of cake." She said nodding her head vigorously.
"Besides, I'm completely over you." He told her casually.
She felt her heart break a little at his words. She didn't want to let that show.
"Me too. I-I mean, I'm over you. Completely." She stammered nervously.
His heart ached at her words. But he said nothing. She gave him a sideways glance.
"Are you really?" She asked in a small voice.
He looked at her and gave a small smile.
"You have to remember, Love. I'm also a liar."
She didn't look at him but she smiled to herself.
"Me too." She whispered softly.
Silence overcame them again and they continued walking. Neither one really knew what was happening. Some things were better left unsaid. Their future was uncertain, as it always was. But there was a future. They both knew this time things would be different. They were both different now. There was no turning back, just starting over.
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