Catastrophes with the Cullen Clan:
Jasper & Emmett Hatch a Scheme
4. Jasper Gets A Pet
She clings to me like cellophane
Fake plastic submarine
Slowly driving me insane
But now that's over
-SR-71
Bella was like cellophane (that clingy plastic wrap for anyone who doesn't know.) She was always clinging to someone, be it Edward, Alice, or even Jasper himself. He could be close enough to smell her lip balm (he believed it was Razzmatazz Blue Raspberry number 7) and still not kill her. She was making Jasper crazy. He was always so close, but no cigar. Jasper Hale could not kill Bella Swan.
AND
IT
WAS
DRIVING
HIM
!INSANE!
Then again, he could always give it another go… That night as he listened to the cats meowing outside, Jasper formulated a plan. A diabolical plan. A wicked plan. A plan involving a highly ferocious animal. He began laughing evilly, but Carlisle yelled for him to shut up. Jasper sighed. You drive one little old car through a garage and no one can let it go.
The next day Jasper got up and went downstairs. He smiled at everyone and even attempted to talk to Esme. Of course she immediately started talking about how important self-esteem is.
"You just need to believe in yourself, Jasper," Esme told him. "You can do anything you set your mind to."
Jasper was in a bad mood by now, so he decided to make things difficult for her.
"Can I have a baby?"
She looked shocked. "Um, no. No, I don't think you can because…well…you're a vampire and…and a man. So, I guess that's an exception."
"Can I fly?"
"No, you can't technically fly… But you can…jump really high."
"Can I talk to Carlisle?"
"Not unless you want to die a second death," Rosalie interjected, walking into the kitchen. "He's been in the garage all day, working on Wendy."
Jasper felt a bit guilty about Wendy. Carlisle loved that corvette like a wife, which didn't bode well with Esme. Jasper decided to check and see if the good doctor was as skilled at healing cars as he was people.
He went into the garage (which still had a huge hole in the door) and saw that Wendy was indeed looking better. Then he heard the music.
"Doctor, doctor! Gimme the news! I got a bad case of lovin' you!" Carlisle was singing at the top of his lungs. Jasper cleared his throat to announce himself and Carlisle quickly straightened himself up…hitting his head on the open hood.
"Ouch! Jasper, what do you want?"
"Um, I just wanted to see how Wendy was doing," Jasper said lamely. Carlisle seemed to accept this answer. He put down the lid and walked over to his adopted son.
"Wendy's all right. I have most of the damage taken care of. I should have her all fixed up by tonight. Why the sudden interest?"
"I guess I just feel a little guilty. I never meant to hurt Wendy or the garage. It was…just a big mistake, you know?"
Carlisle smiled understandingly. "It's okay, Jasper. I know you would never harm Wendy on purpose. You know how much she means to me."
"Yeeeaaaahhh…andIwaswonderingifIcouldborrowWendyforjustasecond?"
"I didn't catch that."
"Me. Borrow. Wendy."
"No."
"Please, Carlisle-"
"NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!"
"Okay. Geez."
Jasper walked out of the garage and then made a beeline for the pet store. Well, after he had stopped, listened to Carlisle sing some more, and almost had an aneurysm laughing. Once he made it to the pet store, he went in and asked the clerk what kind of dangerous animals they had.
"Well," sniffed the clerk, whose nametag read Skeeter. "We got a couple pitbulls and a giant German shepherd. The pitbulls can't get adopted because they bite anything within a ten-foot radius and the German shepherd took off its last owner's left hand. I don't think you'd want any of 'em really. They're all pretty wicked."
"So's your breath," muttered Jasper, overwhelmed by the stench of garlic and black licorice.
"What?"
"Nothing. I mean, wicked is kinda what I'm looking for."
"Hmm. You know we have this one… No, no, you wouldn't want him. Way too dangerous for a pet."
"No! That's what I want! Can I at least see it?"
"If you're up to it. It's your funeral, man."
Jasper chuckled. "I don't think I have to worry about that."
Skeeter led Jasper to the back to a small, dark room. The clerk reached around and, after accidentally hitting Jasper in the face, he found the cord to the small bulb hanging from the ceiling. When the room was lit, Jasper saw there was a large metal box in the middle of the room. When he took a step towards it, the box started rattling and menacing growls started escaping through the tiny air holes on the top of the box. Skeeter turned towards the now gleeful vampire.
"Are you sure you want me to open this thing?"
Jasper nodded. There was no going back now.
As it turned out, the beast in the box was exactly what Jasper wanted. He couldn't bring it home immediately, though. He had to drive Skeeter to the hospital first. Luckily, Carlisle was now a dedicated mechanic to Wendy, so Jasper didn't have to worry about running into him. After telling Skeeter to get better and slipping a few breath mints into his pocket, Jasper hurried home with his new pet. After dancing joyfully with the box in the backyard, he decided it was time to get down to business. He slipped in the back door. He passed through the back room, the living room, and the dining room.
In the back room…
Alice was playing Dance Dance Revolution. She was on expert of course and was in deep concentration. But Jasper just couldn't help but laugh when he saw that she was dancing to Love Games by Lady GaGa. Jasper laughed. Alice turned around. Her high score was ruined. Oops. Alice threw a lamp at Jasper. He scrammed.
In the living room…
"Hey, Jaspy. What's happening?" Emmett was doing one-handed push-ups on the carpet while watching Cops on TV.
"Nothing much. Anything interesting on Cops yet?"
"It just came on. Some chick found out that her husband was an illegal immigrant when their Chinese neighbors, who didn't speak like any English, called the cops to report that he was stealing their crappy station wagon."
"Oh, is that all?"
"The station wagon was filled with meth, so the neighbors got arrested too."
"Wow. This show brings out the worst in everyone. Why do you even bother watching it?"
"I find it fascinating how we, as modern-day organisms, try to concoct ridiculous notions that we are civilized beings. Programs such as this one disprove such theories and illustrate how little distance we have made from our savage ancestors."
"Say what?" Jasper had never heard Emmett use anything beyond a fifth-grader's vocabulary.
"Plus, I always hope that we'll see Charlie on one of these days."
"That's more like it."
In the dining room…
Rosalie was laying each piece of silverware on the table individually with startling force. She obviously wasn't happy that Bella was not only staying for dinner, but also preparing it. Jasper was overjoyed of course. Bella making dinner was the key part in his plan.
"What do you think about Bella making dinner, Jasper?" Rosalie asked irritably.
"Um, I don't know-"
"I think it's outrageous. She can't even cook. Did you taste her meatloaf? It was disgusting."
"How would you know? You didn't eat any of it."
"Whatever. Take her side, I don't care."
Jasper rolled his eyes and crept into the kitchen. He grinned maniacally as he slipped the beast from the box into the stove. Suddenly he heard footsteps and, assuming it was Bella, hid in the closet. Jasper couldn't see but he could hear Bella's heavy footsteps coming closer to the stove. He heard the stove open and…
"RRRRAAAAAAAAAAAAAARRRRRR!"
"AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHHHH!"
Hmm, thought Jasper, that scream sounds strange. Indeed, the scream sounded too deep for Bella's voice (which is pretty darn deep. Like, seriously, has she smoked for the last fifty years? Did they hire the lead singer of Nickelback to play her part? And where exactly does she keep her oxygen tank?) Jasper opened the closet and was horrified to see a mutilated Edward lying on the ground. He was covered in cuts and deep gashes.
"You okay, Edward?" Jasper asked tentatively.
Edward shook his head slowly with wide eyes and obvious shock. He had apparently been traumatized. Jasper grabbed him by the front of his shirt and got right up in face.
"Edward, where did it go?" When he didn't answer, Jasper slapped him across the face. That had no effect, so he backhanded him.
Finally, Edward pointed a shaky finger toward the door. Jasper slapped him one more time for good measure. Then he jumped up and headed toward where the monster had gone. Edward called after him. Jasper turned around.
"What is it?'
Edward took a deep breath and looked him right in the eye. "Don't ever get up in my grill like that again."
Jasper ran after his pet and finally caught a glimpse of him sneaking in the garage door. The vampire ran to the door, swung it open, and yelled out a warning to Carlisle.
"Carlisle, watch out for Catzilla!"
"Huh? Aaaahhh! What the hell is that thing?"
Unfortunately, Carlisle had left the door open and Catzilla was now inside it, tearing Wendy's interior to shreds. Carlisle squealed and jumped in the car. Soon, all Jasper could see through the windows was scraps of white lab cat, car upholstery, and fur flying in every direction. Knowing he had no choice, Jasper jumped into the fray, trying to save Carlisle from the beastly feline that was kinda winning. There was kicking, scratching, punching, bloodsucking, and a bit of trash-talking. With a tremendous effort Jasper managed to throw Catzilla out of the car. The monstrous cat ran down the street at amazing speed, growling at bystanders and stealing candy from children. Jasper ran after him and finally caught up at a secluded street corner.
Catzilla turned and made eye contact with Jasper. Jasper glared at him and slowly made his way to where the cat was standing.
"I set you loose, Catzilla. And now I'm gonna put you back where you belong. They have places for cats like you, places where you can get the help you need. They won't care that you're a little overgrown and…well, ugly. You need to learn to control your anger and violence, got that? I won't let you hurt any more innocent people. Other than Bella. You can kill her, but that's it…and maybe Obama. And Justin Bieber if his voice doesn't change soon, but that's the limit. You got that?"
Catzilla pounced on Jasper and pinned him to the pavement. Jasper gasped. He struggled, but the monster was far stronger than him. Catzilla smiled and raised his paw high above Jasper's head. He let out four claws, which were all roughly the length of the average switchblade.
"Catzilla, how could you? I got you in hopes that we could be friends. Please, don't do this! Think about it! Do you really want kill me?"
Jasper put on his cutest smile and puppy dog eyes. Catzilla spit in his face. As the cat prepared to stab him to death, Jasper closed his eyes, fearing the worst…
But there was no pain. Instead, Jasper heard a loud SNAP and felt Catzilla fall off him. His eyes popped open and he stared up at his savior. Carlisle stood there breathing heavily, covered in blood and his lab coat torn apart. Catzilla lay on the ground, his head twisted completely around.
"Nobody messes with my car, bitch."
"Carlisle! You saved my life! Well, technically I'm already dead…but whatever! Thank God you showed up! How did you know where to find me?"
"Wendy told me."
"I-what? Wendy told …I…uh. Whatever! Good thing you showed up!"
"Yup. I wonder how that fiend got in our house? Edward was already attacked apparently. He's in a state of shock. But don't worry; I told Emmett to just keep slapping him until he was okay again."
"Oh, that's good. Yeah, I don't know how a freakin' cat-monster got in…weird."
Later, when Carlisle and Jasper got back, Edward had regained his senses. Bella was very scaredycat-baby-potsmoker acting. Jasper wanted to smack her. The whole family was talking worriedly when Emmett pulled Jasper into the next room.
"Emmett, what is it?"
"Jasper I want you to know…I know what you're doing."
"Whatever do you men, dear brother?"
"You're trying to kill Bella."
Jasper gasped. How had Emmett figured it out? He'd been so inconspicuous! (Yeah, right.) What was he going to do? Turn him in? Kill him? Tell everybody? Tell Obama?
"And I want you to know, I want to help."
"………………………Say what?"
"But we can't kill her. That's just rude. We should turn her into a vampire. That way everybody's happy!"
"That's actually good idea! Nice thinking, Emmett!"
"Thanks, Jaspy!"
The two brothers high-fived and belly-bumped. Then they crept upstairs to discuss their evil plans…Mwahahaha!
Author's Note: I am soooooooooo sorry it took sooooooooooooo long to update. I've been swamped. Hope this chapter was good! Sorry for language, but it just fit! I really liked Jasper and Catzilla's showdown. Read and Review!