Touhou Doujin: Holiday Edition

Chapter 4: The Bayeux Tapestry

The side of a French Motorway, mid-day December 18th

After resting and stealing plenty of corn from the maize crop beside them, Dawitsu and company decided that it was best to get back to going on holiday.

"Well, I was hoping to go to Bayeux, so that we could see the Bayeux Tapestry, but how are we going to get a car back on the motorway from here?" Dawitsu hopelessly asked Yutaka. "Should we hitch-hike?"

"No... I think I know what we can do..."

Yutaka picked a leaf off a maize plant, and proceeded to form it into a sign. It said 'Voie fermée, garder la gauche pour les ciquante metres', which roughly translates to 'Lane Closed: Keep left for Fifty metres'.

She waited for cars to pass her, and at a time where there were no cars approaching, she placed the sign on the slow lane of the motorway. This caused no dire effects bar temporary congestion, and Yutaka watched her handiwork with pride.

Yutaka returned to the field, and Dawitsu smiled. "This is what you need to develop, Ran. An intuition beyond my own. Think for yourself, and, believe it or not, you'll be a better Shikigami." he somewhat insensitively said to Ran, who dutifully took it on board.

Patchouli asked Yutaka, "So what did you do?"

"I put up an authentic sign that tells the users of the motorway to keep left, and not use the lane we'll need to re-enter on. Now, we can place a new car on the motorway, and re-enter at the slow lane without fears of collision."

Sakuya was sceptical, "And they'll believe it?"

"See for yourself." Dawitsu said, while gesturing towards the slowing, two-laned traffic. "Yutaka has a very good visual memory, remembers exactly what signs look like wherever we visit!"

Yutaka grinned with pride, "Thanks, sir."

Aya asked, "So, can I take photos of those contraptions over there as they slow?"

"Why not, but how are you going to go with us? I think there'll only be room for one or the other in the side-car... Yutaka, can you make side-cars any bigger than two-seater?" Dawitsu answered.

Yutaka sighed, "Not without looking somewhat suspicious."

Suika sprang into action despite looking asleep a second ago. "H-hey! I bagsy the other seat in the side-car! Aya can stay at home, I want to have fun, not write some dumb story!"

Aya was about to shout at the Oni, but soon came to a realization. "Hey! Suika, you were totally selfish just then, but I guess I can just go at wind speed! I'll just follow you guys up above that... place with all the cars."

"Good idea, I guess..." Dawitsu sighed as his attempt to send the irritating tengu home failed.

Yutaka had already formed a new Cadillac during this conversation, this time it was purple, with a cyan neon underside. Dawitsu looked at the somewhat less effeminate vehicle, and said, "What happened to making me look gay?"

"It still will, it'll just be a bit more believable now..." Yutaka replied with a playful smirk.

Dawitsu couldn't help but laugh. "Oh, alright then. Come on, guys, lets get this car onto the hard shoulder..."

"What's a hard shoulder?" Chen asked.

"Um... it's a usually unusable lane for broken down cars and stuff." Dawitsu explained.

After placing the car on the hard shoulder, they all sat at their applicable seats, and Aya stood by the car. "Okay, I'm ready when you are..." she said.

Dawitsu revved the engine. "Squadallah, we're off!" he called, and the car began to move.

An hour and a half later, on another French Motorway

"Are we there yet?" Chen asked from the side-car.

"For the ninetieth time, no!" Ran scolded from the back.

Suika nudged Chen, and asked, "Hey, buddy, you want some Sake? It'll make the journey go quicker, or at the very least, make it more fun!"

Chen refused the Oni's somewhat kind offer, and Dawitsu shouted, "Look! The sign! Bayeux is only ten kilometres away!"

He flicked a stick by what seemed to be the steering mechanism, and a clicking sound started up.

"What did you just do?" Patchouli asked, "Is the car malfunctioning?"

"No, I'm just indicating that I'm going to turn. It's important to do that at high speeds. Remember most humans from the outside world can't naturally go at these sorts of speeds, so they need warning before anything sudden."

Dawitsu turned off at the next junction, and they finally reached the historical town of Bayeux. Dawitsu had considerably slowed down in his driving of the car. Just to prove she hadn't lost them, Aya floated downwards, stopping alongside the car. "Hello! So, where are you going to put that cumbersome thing?"

Dawitsu smiled. "A car park. You'll be able to get much clearer pictures of human cars from there- they're all stationary."

But while Aya was talking about taking pictures of cars, passers by noticed the floating woman and began to get their cameras out. Aya stopped floating and shouted, "I'll be with you in a minute!"

All the French people were astounded. A pair of British tourists were feverishly taking pictures of Aya. "Hey! Hey! Do what you did before... you know, float like you did..." the fatter, balder, and more male of the two said.

Aya answered the request with a question, "What's that device?" Aya pointed at the silver, digital camera the other tourist, a woman, was holding, "It looks just like my camera... but smaller. Can I look at it?"

"Um... it's just a camera. I think your trick is far more amazing. How did you do that anyway?" the woman asked.

"Oh, that... wow, I thought most humans could do that one way or another. Don't you have a broom to ride, or have any power whatsoever? It's no big deal..."

"It really is!" the man shouted.

"Nah... but what you're holding there... I spent ages perfecting my camera, but there you are with one that can flash light to make pictures more favourable! I'm so jealous! How long did you spend on making it?"

"Uh... I didn't make it..."

While Aya continued this back and forth with the tourists on which is more amazing, Dawitsu had parked the car, and walked with his entourage to the le Musée de la Tapisserie de Bayeux.

"Did you make some money?" Dawitsu asked his able assistant.

"Of course..." Yutaka pulled some fifty Euro notes out of her pocket.

"What are those?" Sakuya asked, staring at the strange pieces of paper.

"Well, you know how the yen is a trading system in Gensokyo... well, the Euro is the trading method employed in certain areas of the outside world." Dawitsu proceeded to take some of the money off of Yutaka, and approached the payment desk.

"Hello, I'd like four adult passes to see the Tapestry, and three child passes." he said, gesturing to Yutaka, Suika and Chen.

The French clerk replied in broken English, "Ah, English? Well... uh, there is English headphone sets on the... uh, is right the dexterous hand? Ah, yes it is, yes, you must take the headphones on the right. And, how old are the children?"

Yutaka smiled, "I'm fifteen."

Chen said, "I'm..." but Yutaka cut in, "She's twelve."

Suika slurred, "And I'm... I'm not sure how old I am..."

Dawitsu sweat-dropped, "Er... I gave her too much wine... I guess us English can't handle the drink over here. She's thirteen."

"Ah, okay, so they are all eligible for the child discount. Good, good! That is fifty and eight Euros, please. I like the costumes, by the way. Very... uh... how is it you say... tasteful. Who's children are they?" Dawitsu handed him sixty Euros while Yutaka planned a response.

Yutaka said, "Well, this is my Aunt Patchouli." gesturing to Patchouli, who blushed slightly. "I'm on holiday with her."

Dawitsu decided to do the explaining for Chen and Suika. "The one dressed as a Cat is my daughter, and the one with too much wine is the Fox-lady's daughter. We're all such good friends, so we go everywhere and take the kids too!"

"Ah, they are adorable! All girls, I see. You shall be walking her down the isle, no? Enjoy your time here." the clerk finished talking, and gave Dawitsu seven passes, and a two-Euro coin.

"Thanks a lot..." Dawitsu said, taking the passes and change.

The crew proceeded to walk into the chamber where the legendary tapestry was being kept. There was a glass wall covering it, and Sakuya couldn't help but ask.

"Why is there that wall there?"

Yutaka answered, "This is a highly valuable piece of history, and they do not want this tapestry to be accidentally destroyed. This is an ancient documentation of the Norman conquest of Britain. You see..."

As they walked and observed the Bayeux tapestry, Yutaka did a job she enjoyed, and acted as a tour guide. The fellow tourists eventually gathered a small crowd to listen to her in depth telling of the tale of the conquest- how Harold swore to give Britain to France over relics he didn't actually know were holy, how William had superior battle strategies, and how Harold ended up dying with one arrow impaling his eye. Of course, she also told every detail in between. Sakuya was getting winks from various passers by, and one tourist was cautiously trying to touch Ran's tails, as if they half knew they weren't imitations.

By the time Yutaka had finished, the audience were half astounded, half exhausted. Yutaka ended with, "...and that's all I know of the Bayeux Tapestry, the creation of the Bayeux Tapestry, and the Norman Conquest. My, I didn't expect so many people to start listening..."

Dawitsu smiled, "That's our Yutaka. Knowledgeable for a young 'un, ain't she?", elbowing a awe-struck man.

"Is she your daughter?" he asked.

"No, she's the woman with purple hair's niece. She's got her eyes," he lied, "But she never opens them at all."

"Oh, I see. So, she's a bookworm?"

"Of course... hey Patchouli! This guy wants to know more about Yutaka!" signalling to Patchouli to just say everything she 'knew' on Yutaka.

"So, that girl's... how old?"

"Fifteen."

"My, she's a one in a million! Say, you're pretty good-looking, too! Guess you must all have good genes, huh? Wish I could be as smart as your niece!"

Patchouli searched for some kind of conversational material, "Yes, she picks up information well, as do I. My... uh, brother is her father. He's a... science teacher, and he has taught her how best to learn from an early age. Yutaka, come here!"

Yutaka, keeping up her act, said, "Yes, Aunt Patchouli?"

"This man wants to hear some more facts..."

The man kindly refused the offer. Meanwhile, the tourist who was attempting to feel Ran's tails had moved on to Chen, and, when he grabbed Chen's tail, was shocked to hear Chen ask, "What are you doing?"

The young man, probably about seventeen, said in a frightened, awkward tone, "Are those... those... things... real? They move about like they are!"

"Of course they are! Why, don't you have..." Chen attempted to continue, but Dawitsu had noticed Chen talking to the guy and interrupted, "Hey! What do you think you're doing with my daughter?"

It wasn't that Dawitsu was genuinely angry, he just didn't want Chen to go and reveal all to this... overly curious bystander.

"Uh... uh... sir... she's your... D-daughter?"

"Yeah, and why did you touch her?"

"It's... those tails! They look so real! What is she?"

Dawitsu laughed, "Oh... those, huh... the latest in cosplay technology. Animatronic kitty-cat tails. Pretty cool, huh? Sorry for misjudging you... it's just that the majority of sex offenders are actually young."

"Oh, of course, I bet as a parent you can never play it too safe."

Suika had found a set of Winos, who were enjoying the company of a fellow drunk, while Sakuya was being harassed by a pair of British Otaku.

"Like, where did you-" a spotty teenager paused to sniff what was quite clearly blood back into his nose, "-get that cool outfit! I need it for my girlfriend!"

His, thinner, slightly less blemished friend, said, "But you don't have a girlfriend..."

"Just give it all away, why don't you?"

Sakuya sighed, "I hand made it..."

The spotty one lost control of his nosebleed, and shouted, "OH MY GOD! An otaku who is not only a greater one than I, but a girl, a super hot one no less!"

The thinner one said, "We should totally add her on Digibutter dot nerr!"

"What's Digibutter dot nerr?" the Maid asked.

All of a sudden, the two geeks paused, and the spotty one asked, "You... are an otaku, right?"

"What's an otaku?"

The acne-ridden Otaku's nose bled even more violently, "You're a... real maid! A French maid! I must keep you as a pet!"

"Wait, hold on a minute..." Sakuya panicked as the two started laughing in a snarky, slightly perverted way. But, lo and behold, Dawitsu appeared with Chen and Ran beside him.

The two Otaku's brains had an overload. "C-c-cosplayers! Like, how are you guys? Who are cosplaying as?"

Dawitsu sternly replied, "None of your business. Speaking of which, what are you doing staring at my wife like that?"

Blood literally poured from the spotty otaku, while the thinner one searched his pockets for tissues to wipe up the mess. "W-w-w...wife?" he stuttered.

"Wife?" Sakuya said with an elevated tone of excitement.

"Now, just run along and we'll pretend this never happened. Come on, Patchouli, Yutaka and Suika, time to leave..."

The crew gathered, and Dawitsu turned from the pair of losers. "Hold on... I recognize who you're cosplaying as! Touhou characters! I'm... so jealous! Your wife really has gotten into the role of Sakuya, hasn't she?" the thinner one shouted.

Dawitsu turned his head to face the two for the last time. "Then which character am I?"

"Uh... I guess you'd have to be Rinnosuke..."

"Wrong... but check out Fanfiction dot Net and you may find the answer..." he then decided to walk away from the two.

On exiting the Museum, the group of seven was suddenly ambushed from behind- by a flash photograph.

"Guess who?" Aya asked.

Patchouli knew, but was slightly blinded by the sudden flash. "What... did you just do?"

Aya explained, "Well, I got into a conversation about cameras with some humans who for some reason, seem to want to be Tengu. Anyway, they thought my ability to fly was amazing, and so I decided to trade them my camera for their camera, so I could use a better camera to take all my pictures on. They said they just want to see what's on my camera, as the angles are probably unique... they certainly know a good reporter when they see one..."

"Wait, hold on..." Dawitsu stopped the Tengu in her hyperactive relaying of her story, "You gave your camera to some humans?"

"Yeah, I didn't think it was a big deal. They lost out overall, I have all my pictures printed at home anyway..."

"YOU GAVE A CAMERA WITH ALL OF GENSOKYO'S ASPECTS ON IT TO PEOPLE FROM THE OUTSIDE WORLD?" Dawitsu screamed at the Tengu.

Aya sweat-dropped. "What's wrong with that?"

"Just in case you didn't know, the humans here are unaware of Gensokyo's existence! The ones who are think it's just a fictitious place!"

"Well, two people won't make a difference, right?"

"The human media in the outside world is more prolific than the tengu media in Gensokyo! And they have photo evidence of such a place existing! You moron! They're gonna find out... every last human will know about Gensokyo!" Dawitsu grabbed his head and started to bob it back and forth.

Suika cut in, "Um... not to support Aya, or anything, but why is it so important that they don't know about Gensokyo? It's not like they want to destroy it or anything, is it?

"Boss, I have to agree with the Oni..." Yutaka added, "I don't think it's that big a deal."

Dawitsu was adamant, "Well, I have a real bad feeling about this... we need to see these two people immediately!"

Dawitsu was genuinely frightened, while Yutaka and Suika were doing everything they could to stay calm. Patchouli, Ran and Chen were all apathetic, knowing if anything serious like an invasion occurred, they'd be there to protect Gensokyo. Sakuya had something very different on her mind, and couldn't help but reiterate in her mind that Dawitsu referred to her as his wife. Aya was not sure what she'd done wrong...

Author's notes: Took longer than expected, but not that long. Man, oh man, what a palaver, eh?

So, this is Touhou in the outside world, folks! Mad or what?