Chapter 4

A Boy with no Memories

For all the wards and barriers, for all the silence, for all he was kept locked away, practically a prisoner is his own house… in the end, not a single bit of it had done any good. Subaru might have been the best kept Sumeragi secret, but nothing escaped Seishirou.

Admittedly, it had been a little tricky the first time circumnavigating the wards without breaking them, lest it alert the ones who had cast them. But now, after several months, he shrugged off the magical defenses easily, using that same hole he'd created the first time, fitting him as if tailored to his exact width and height—a perfectly Seishirou-sized hole. Then there was only the window, and while a two-story leap might have deterred humans, it was hardly a problem for him. The inch-wide wooden trim was more than enough footing. He slid through the window—deliberately left open by the occupant—and landed soundlessly in thick carpet on the other side.

The room stretched out to the left and right, a seemingly endless expanse of flooring framed by lavishly molded walls and arched doorways. Everything in sight testified to the importance of the thing contained therein. But it was a little ridiculous, Seishirou thought, as he approached the king-sized bed and the little boy lying there, so tiny he was practically swallowed up in the sea of sheets. And as he sat down on the bed, watching the boy sleep, that familiar sense of triumph washed over him, the same as every other time he had the boy bared before him: the knowledge that the boy was all his, totally at his mercy. All the walls in the world couldn't protect him. All the wards couldn't save him. Not from Seishirou.

"Seishirou-san?" Sleepy emerald eyes cracked open, perhaps alerted by the small shift in the bed under the man's weight or perhaps simply sensing his presence.

"I'm sorry, Subaru-kun. Did I wake you?" He chuckled when his words were met with an adorably open-mouthed yawn and a small head shake. It didn't matter how late he came, Subaru would always deny having been woken up, always deny that it was any sort of bother, always so polite.

Seishirou held his hands out—hands that had just been washed of blood—and waited for the boy to crawl free of the constricting blankets and into his outstretched arms. When he was close enough, Seishirou lifted little limbs into his lap, undeniably pleased by the way the boy came to him so willingly. If Subaru's guardians knew how easily he let the man take him, they'd be horrified. The thought brought a dark smile of satisfaction to Seishirou's face. In the end they couldn't protect him at all.

Tightening his arms around that slim waist, Seishirou reveled in the way the boy could be almost completely enfolded in his embrace. Such a tiny thing, so very breakable. And so very, very trusting.

"Where will you take me today?" Subaru asked, turning emerald eyes up to meet his.

"It's a surprise." Because confined as he was to the room, to the estate, never allowed to touch foot outside, there were so many places the boy had never seen, or had only seen vicariously through pictures: beaches, mountains, caves… It was so easy to please him, to keep him enthralled and amenable.

Smiling promisingly, he slid a hand over the boy's eyes, covering them so he couldn't see… as long, illusionary ferns popped up around the feet of dressers and nightstands and closet doors, unfurling slowly upward, followed by the gurgle of water trickling out from under the bed, pooling in the carpet under their feet, and dappled sunlight broke through the ceiling. Then the sheets twisted into thick vines—a solid net to hold them just as the floor dropped away. It was only then, as the ceiling finally dissolved completely with a rustle of leaves and the walls divided into the trunks of towering trees, that he took his hand away, unveiling the boy's eyes.

"Ah!" Subaru gasped, and Seishirou grinned to see those huge green eyes flung wide in wonderment—the work of maintaining the complex illusion well worth the vision of such beautiful delight. Fluffy, white pajamas whispered invitingly as the boy leaned forward, looking around, taking in the twenty-foot drop beneath them, and Seishirou loosened his hold to allow it.

"Do you like it?" he teased, and the boy nodded mutely, robbed as he was of breath. "Is it as good as in your books?"

"It's better." Subaru turned to look at him and was briefly distracted as a butterfly landed on his hair, all brilliant blue and charcoal black.

"Better?" Seishirou asked, carefully disentangling bright wings and lowering the insect so the boy could see.

"Better," Subaru confirmed. "In books, I can't touch anything, and no one can be there with me." He giggled a little to feel crisp edges of blue and black flutter against his palm—the butterfly, cupped in the cage of their joint hands. Seishirou wondered what it was like, just for a second, to be hidden away from the world. To have no one of similar age to talk to. To feel the bark of a tree only through images and experience sunburn as words in a book. But in the end, he didn't mind at all if there was no one else the boy enjoyed talking to, nor that the boy had no experience with the world outside his window. It made him all the more adorable once he was all wrapped up in a maboroshi.

I can take you anywhere, Subaru-kun. I can show you anything you've ever wanted. If you stay with me…

With a flash of brilliant, sun-struck color, the butterfly took off.

"Do you like having me here then?" Seishirou asked, whispering into the curve of a tiny ear, mischievous. "Am I the one Subaru-kun likes best?"

Blushing, the child nodded shyly. Seishirou laughed delightedly and tightened his hold.

Maybe later even they could explore a little or meet some of the natives. It didn't occur to him that anything could go wrong, didn't occur to him that anything would change. Perhaps that's why, later, he was so surprised. The night everything went wrong. At the time it didn't matter. It didn't matter, because the boy was his, never mind that he was a Sumeragi. The boy was his, and that was all he cared about.

When Lady Sumeragi came in sometime later to check on her charge, there was nothing but a little boy lying fast asleep amid an ocean of blankets in the dark room, just as she had left him.

The door opened for Fuuma even before he reached the landing. Silent hands offered to take his coat. He allowed them to strip him of the heavy garment before motioning them away. Speaking to the Elders always left him vaguely annoyed, but as one of the witnesses of Hinoto's death, his presence had been required.

"Are you sure no one else saw her?"

"There was only Sakurazuka-san, Kamui, and I." An indirect truth, because technically Subaru was part of the Sakurazuka household now and they didn't need to know that Kamui had not been under his control at the time. As far as they were concerned, the boy was still soundly bound.

"Are you sure?"

"There was no one else."

He wasn't surprised to find Kamui curled on a window seat in the far corner of an empty room, staring absently through the dark glass. Nothing had changed in the past week. Kamui would smile at him and be perfectly attentive when required, but he'd go right back to solemn brooding when he thought no one was looking. Even Subaru couldn't distract him for long. Fuuma had known Hinoto's death would be a blow, that Kamui would feel responsible, that even stepping in and killing her himself wouldn't completely alleviate the guilt, but there had been no other choice. She'd wanted to die and she would have taken the boy with her if he hadn't done something. It was something Kamui was just going to have to work through on his own.

"May I sit with you?" He never would have asked before. He would simply have sat down. But things had changed. While still technically under his jurisdiction, Kamui was, for all intents and purposes, the head of the Magami family, by right both of being the most powerful and the only living member, so far as the world was concerned. Kamui might not think of them as equals, but the potential existed, and Fuuma had never liked subjugating the boy to his will in the first place.

When Kamui nodded now, it meant he really did want Fuuma there.

"Why do you keep asking me that?" Kamui asked, frowning in perplexity as Fuuma took a seat too.

"Maybe I like hearing you tell me yes." Fuuma smirked wickedly.

"What would you have done if I'd said no?"

Fuuma considered that for all of a second. "I would have sat down anyway." At the boy's amused look, he continued, "Well, it is my home."

"You went out this morning." Kamui looked back out the window so that the words misted against the cold glass. "I couldn't find you."

"Mm," Fuuma replied noncommittally, not liking this sudden turn in the conversation.

"You didn't take me with you."

"You were sleeping so soundly for once, I didn't want to wake you up." Best not to tell the boy he might have had something to do with that. But he didn't like the way Kamui wasn't looking at him now, staring obstinately out through the window instead. Quickly, he reached out and snagged the boy, pulling him back against his chest, all protests ignored. Not that there was much protest. "I couldn't take you with me," he breathed into silken hair, letting the black strands tickle his nose. "Not this time." Not ever again. He knew Kamui felt it, even if the words went unsaid. It was in the way he'd been leaving the boy at home ever since the incident with Hinoto—in the way he held the boy so desperately now that he'd come back. Kamui must have known, but he didn't say anything.

The silence was the sound of time running out.

Fuuma knew he couldn't keep the boy a secret forever, so he ran fingers through that silky hair and held him close and tried to figure out how they were going to get through.

"Subaru-kun." Seishirou caught the boy in the hallway outside the library, watching as emerald eyes gave the doorway behind him a wary once-over. Certainly, their last encounter in the room was far from forgotten.

And the green-bound book he was holding in his hand certainly wasn't helping matters.

Seishirou held up the book, the movement bringing those emerald eyes back to him, then used it to motion the boy inside. "Come."

Subaru followed quietly, standing attentively when Seishirou turned to him again, careful not to look at the servant waiting for them there: a girl, with ebony ringlets curling around her shoulders and framing her thin face.

"You will read to her," Seishirou said, indicating the servant, and waited while a suitable unease settled on them before continuing, "any book you… feel is right." He knew the boy would associate the task with the previous punishment, unintentional though it was. It was bothersome, the incident with Kamui. He'd looked at the book Subaru had been reading that night quite thoroughly, but it was just a book, the tale no more harmful than a bedtime story. There was no hidden power, no sorcery accidentally tangled in the words. It was a bit surprising Subaru had chosen that one in particular—usually the boy didn't like violent stories. Still, that in itself wasn't cause for concern.

And if it wasn't the book, there was only one other option.

Subaru was understandably worried, but he knew better than to disobey. So, under Seishirou's watchful gaze, the boy walked along the shelves, running his fingertips over the spines—a tentative touch, light as leaves skittering along the ground, feeling each book through that fleeting contact. As Seishirou watched, Subaru paused, fingertips resting on a small white volume, and turned to look at the book that had caught his attention. A second later he had pried it from the shelf and held it up.

"This one." The plain little book practically fell open at his touch, the covers spreading like petals for the sun. And at Seishirou's nod to continue, Subaru began to read…

"In China, you know, the emperor is a Chinese, and all those about him are Chinamen also." Subaru spoke and the words tripped through the room, awkward at first, and then smoother as he became more certain. Seishirou listened as the boy's voice poured over them, listened for the smallest thread of magic in the words, but there was none. Subaru had a good voice, soft, the kind that made people turn to look at him and try to listen over everyone else's shouting, but that was all. There was no spell there, no obvious magical working.

Subaru turned another page.

"She was now to remain at court, to have her own cage, with liberty to go out twice a day, and once during the night…" Beside Seishirou, the servant jerked. She looked at first confused, and then startled, eyes widening in alarm.

Realizing what had happened, Seishirou didn't let her get out more than a single "You!" before he'd wrapped a hand around her mouth, silencing her, and then twisted her head sideways, snapping the spinal cord. The silence afterward was audible.

Affinity, he realized. The boy had formed an affinity with the girl, using the words of the story. There was no real magic in it. Subaru had been able to unravel the spell binding her memories simply by reaching out to her. Still, that unfailing accuracy in knowing which story would affect her (and before her, Kamui) wasn't something an ordinary person could have pulled off—required, in fact, quite a bit of latent empathetic talent. Not that that was any kind of surprise. For all that Seishirou had tried to prevent it, he'd known a day would come when Subaru would discover he could do more than raise a kekkai. Now all he could do was try to contain the problem.

As he set the servant down, the distinct sound of a book thudding dully to the floor echoed behind him, having slipped from Subaru's hands. The boy's face was downcast, the silvery sheen of silent tears just visible sliding from under a dark fall of hair. Subaru had long since given up pleading with him not to kill them, but he had yet to stop grieving over each and every one. And Seishirou was sure he never would. All the more reason, in his opinion, to make sure the boy never found out about his past.

"Subaru-kun." He tipped the boy's chin up and kissed the tears away, though they were immediately replaced with more. "Come with me." The boy could grieve later. At the moment there was a problem to be dealt with.

Subaru followed, docile and withdrawn, as Seishirou led him through one of the library's anterooms, past shelf after shelf. When he stopped, it was in front of a case of very old books. Unlike the other bookcases, this one had doors, and it had been locked for as long as Subaru could remember. But it opened for Seishirou. Opened as easily as if it had never been locked at all.

Seishirou pulled out an old, worn book with tattered pages and let it weigh heavily in his hands for several minutes. Unlike the books arranged freely on other shelves, this one wasn't inherently harmless. The words inside didn't make up fairy tales or biology lectures. They were the building blocks of power.

He hadn't wanted to give the knowledge back to Subaru if he didn't have to, but the boy had been powerful even when he was little, and Seishirou had always known there would come a time when that ability would begin to manifest itself physically, with or without Subaru's consent. Now that time had come. And he could either teach the boy the necessary control or wait until something worse than a memory spell was accidentally broken. Training him would be risky, but not training him might be far worse, possibly even ending in the boy being discovered, and therefore taken away.

If Subaru's kekkai hadn't already been noticed.

There was no more time to waste. The boy had to be prepared. He handed Subaru the book.

"I want you to memorize as much of this as you can by tomorrow. Memorize it as if it's the last book you'll ever read."

And with any luck, it wasn't already too late.

Fuuma knew it was bad news even before the knock on the door. Maybe it was just that he'd been expecting bad news for almost two weeks at that point, ever since he'd gotten Kamui back and refused to bind the boy again. A stack of paperwork dropped from his hands at the sudden rap of knuckles against mahogany, scattering over the desk.

"Come in. What is it?" Routine words as he gathered the scattered papers back together. He saw the servant's lips move, forming the words, but there wasn't any sound, just a ringing silence. For a second he had no idea what she'd said. Then it all caught up with him at once, and the same stack of paper slipped from his fingers with a flutter of white as he shot up out of his chair…

Kamui sat in a corner window seat, brooding again. Ever since Hinoto's death, things had both been better and worse

On the one hand, Fuuma looked at him now. When the man called his name, it was because he saw him. And when Fuuma held him at night, his bones were no longer broken and hands no longer clawed at his flesh seeking responses, except maybe when the man was a little too rough. Not like he minded—it would have been a little insulting to be treated like glass. And now, now Kamui knew he existed without needing the man's attention to prove it. He could feel that he existed—an awareness most acute when there were hands on his hips, guiding them together, bone-crushingly tight, and when fangs at his throat seemed to draw on his very soul, pulling him out of himself dizzily, and when he cried out, pain splintering his nerve endings if the man was particularly forceful. Yes, he definitely appreciated the freedom.

On the other hand, now someone else had died because of him. It wasn't enough that he had no family, that he had personally incinerated everyone who had ever cared about him. He was a walking curse. And in those darkest moments before daybreak he couldn't help but wonder… how many more were going to die because he was alive? Would Fuuma be next? He couldn't dispel the thought. It hung around him, haunting him—the knowledge that he might… to Fuuma…

A sudden creaking caught his attention, and Kamui turned when the door opened.

There weren't any lights on: he was more or less used to the dark after the years with Fuuma, and the moonlight pouring in through the double windows provided more than enough illumination. Still, the doorway, furthest from the light, was cast in deep shadows—deep enough to make it difficult to see more than the silhouette of the man standing there. A very familiar looking silhouette.

"Fuuma…" Kamui smiled and hopped down off the window seat to greet him. Still, the man didn't move, and suddenly uncertain, Kamui slowed to a stop at the edge of the square the moonlight cut out of the floor. "What's wrong? Fuuma?" He didn't like the way the man was standing there, unmoving, still half concealed in shadow, just staring at him. Distinctly uncomfortable, he wrapped his arms around his waist.

"So it is true." The voice jolted Kamui out of his thoughts, and as the man stepped slowly into the light before him, amethyst eyes widened in shock. "When I heard of Hinoto-san's demise, I suspected, but I didn't want to believe it." It wasn't Fuuma. The man resembled him, but older, physically.

"Monou-san?" Kamui asked. He'd seen the man a few times before, when Fuuma's commands had been the extent of his freedom. The man hadn't been around recently though, not for several weeks. He was often away. Looking at him now, there was something like sorrow etched into the lines of his face, a deep weariness. "Monou-san, I… I'm sorry for any trouble I might have caused you, after you were so kind letting me stay…" But at that point he was cut off, a hand laid gently against his face startling him into silence. The man knelt down slowly so that they were eye to eye.

"Kamui, you didn't do anything wrong. And that's why I'm sorry." He looked so very sad. Kamui couldn't understand it. That gentle hand, that sad countenance… It was like the man was saying goodbye. "Such a shame. You meant so much to my son." And something clicked into place.

"No, wait…" Kamui tried to back away, but the man caught his arms, not a harsh grip but unbreakable nonetheless.

"I'm sorry, truly. I'd hoped it wouldn't come to this." And maybe the hand persistently tilting his chin up was meant to be comforting. "I promise this will be painless, which is more than I can say if one of the other Elders had caught you." Kamui didn't want to hurt the man. He didn't want to hurt anyone else. Not ever again.

There was the scrape of teeth wrapping around his throat, and he froze. Somehow, everything seemed clearer right just then, in the face of his impending demise. All the things he'd been struggling with, all the deaths he'd caused. The thought was traitorous:

It would be better for everyone if I died.

Because if he died, no one else would get hurt. If he died, Fuuma wouldn't end up dead like the others. He'd tried telling the man that all those years ago, tried explaining that it would be better to kill him, and the man hadn't listened. He'd been okay with it then, the thought of dying. He would have gladly accepted his punishment.

But now, now he knew what it was like to not exist. He knew what it was like to be standing in a room and realize that not a single person could see him. He had been there, and he never wanted to go back. Being with Fuuma for the past week, having that taste of what it was like to be happy, to be alive… He wanted it.

Maybe it would have been better if he died. But none of that mattered, because right just then, even as death's teeth sank into his throat, dragging him down, he knew what his answer was. He knew...

I want to live!

"I want to live." He tried to tell the man, forcing the words from slurred lips. But the realization came too late. He could feel himself slipping into pleasant unconsciousness, bent backwards in Fuuma's father's arms, and there was no more strength in him to fight.

"I want to live," he whispered.

But no one was listening.

Author Note: I'm really not as happy with this chapter as with the previous three. I've been sort of putting off posting it, worried that it wasn't turning out right. The end in particular is bothering. It's not as strong as it should be. On the other hand… You all thought Fuuma's father was dead, didn't you? *grin* Most of the scenes take place at Seishirou's, so this is the first real chapter with scenes at Fuuma's. Parents! They cause all sorts of problems!

In other news, I have something of a problem. Within three days I intend to stop writing. Not posting (that's going to take awhile), but writing. However, technically chapter 5 and 6 aren't finished (though 5 is close, missing only one scene). Should I put up what I have, even though it's not complete? I feel bad not finishing it, but there's no way I can get ch. 6 done in three days. I do have 5 pages of Sei/Su backstory from ch. 6 though, and I can post that eventually if people like…

Review Responses:

Zuzanny: The good news: I have five PAGES of Subaru's past written (7 if you include the passage in this chapter). The bad news: it's in ch. 6!

Fascen: I've been waiting to tell you this for WEEKS! *grin* I think you're going to like this news: Those Forsaken is FINISHED! *throws confetti* I'm hoping to have it up in a couple days. It's still got some transitions that need to be smoothed out, but the chapter itself is complete.

Hinoto's death is definitely a sad thing. It's funny, because she's not a character I like, but I do feel sorry for her.

Nickel Xenon: I've only ever written fanfiction for three stories in my entire life. I have to be almost obsessed to write fanfiction. There's nothing else I like that much at the moment. Truthfully, right now, I think I'm trying to get away from fanfiction altogether. It takes up a lot of my time. I spent a year writing 150,000 words, and that's as much time as I feel I want to donate to the cause. I've really enjoyed it, but if I ever intend to get anywhere, I need to start writing my own stories. ^^, Not that I think I'm good enough to have even a smidgeon of a chance yet, but if I don't try there's no chance at all.

Laustic: Oh! The reason no one can know about Subaru is in ch. 3! Well, it's not explicitly stated, but Fuuma gives it away when he says "…no human was allowed to know about their kind… and live."

Truthfully, I'm going to miss this. All of this. The long hours of writing till 2 AM in the morning. The waking up early just to see if I got any more reviews. The learning what worked and what didn't. But I can't write here anymore. There are a lot of reasons. I won't bother burdening you with the biggest one, but there are lots of other reasons. In order for me to continue writing for a given series, I have to be almost obsessed with it, as I told Nickel. I can't read anything else, I can't be interested in anything else at all or I'll lose interest in the writing. I haven't read a single other series for the last YEAR. I love X, but it's not going anywhere, and I can't wait for the rest of my life. And of course there are the hours and hours of time I pour into all this writing. It's eating up my life. But one of the more important reasons is that as long as I stay here, I can't move on. Sure, I can get better and better at writing fanfiction, but that doesn't help me write my own stories. That doesn't get me any further towards publishing something. I don't think I'm good enough yet, but I never will be if I don't try and make mistakes and learn and grow.

Leuv: *grin* I guess I believe in leaving a few mysteries. Even if I tell Su's story, there will still be backstory left untold. I initially intended this to focus on Fu and Kam with a little Sei/Su on the side, but as tends to happen, those two sort of took off on their own. I'm a little unhappy with this last arc though, because it's not turning out as well as I'd hoped. Somehow it just doesn't seem as well put together, and the lines are just not as vivid for me. T_T I'm a little nervous about posting it, because a part of me is afraid to ruin what I set up in the first three chapters.

rose-erato: You make it sound all mysterious and exciting! (maybe it's just not so fun when you know everything that happens) Subaru does have some interesting powers, but you know that now. ^_^ His choosing a book for Kamui wasn't random! Which I hope explains why the book ended up so gruesome. (^^, My beta asked that, and I've been wanting the chance to explain for 2 chapters now) As for whether his powers have anything to do with his memories being erased… um, it's not like Kamui. How do I say… Kamui couldn't control his powers, I really think there was just no one who understood it enough to train him. Subaru, on the other hand, has very definitely had training. He just can't remember it right now. So it's not like he lost control and therefore had to have his memories erased. It's different, and yet… they come from similar circumstances. ^_~

Renkin-chan: I'm really glad you like it! Thank you so much for the review! I've been sad lately about the seeming decline in X fans, so it's always good to see new faces! And inspiring!

TheLadyPendragon: Gasp! Pendragon! I can't tell you how good it is to hear from you again! I seriously thought you were gone. ^^, I've really been missing one of my favorite reviewers! *hugs* I really don't know why all my characters end up being vampires. They just naturally default that way in my mind? Well, I've certainly got nothing against it, but I keep telling myself I'll write a NON-AU for once! XD Somehow it never happens. Anyway, I certainly hope this chapter was up to par with your expectations of me, though truthfully I feel like this last arc isn't coming out as well. It feels repetitious to me (maybe that has something to do with the end), or maybe I'm just highly critical of my own work. I don't know. Whatever the case, I have good news! I've got ch. 14 of TF finished! So the story will be completed soon. I'm working out some of the final bugs as we speak. (Truthfully, it's replying to all the reviews that's going to take awhile. Gah! They built up while I was away) So look forward to that soon.

LeiCross: Don't worry, I've been pretty lousy at getting back to people lately myself. I was initially afraid when I mentioned Kanoe at the beginning that people would figure out it had something to do with her or her sister too quickly, but it looks like that wasn't a problem. The more I work with the characters, the more I realize there is to them. Fuuma actually is a pretty nice guy, though with the whole Twin Star thing, it's easy to mess up his character. There's a depth there that no one gets right, certainly not me. And I think I'm starting to really like Seishirou's gentlemanly side. I mean, there are so many things you can get away with when you have a gentleman—like murder. (How does that work out? O_O)

Mm, a lot of people like to make stories based on whether or not Sei was Kam's father, yes. Personally, I never saw any indication of that—not even a scrap of family resemblance. The idea of Sei with children… O.o …it kind of makes me twitch. The reason I emphasized Kamui's last name in this chapter was because Kamui is quoting his father's name, as would be proper, but Fuuma cares only for where his line of power comes from… Kamui might be Shirou by name, but he's Magami by blood, and THAT is what matters.

You would ask a difficult question… XD Um, I don't know? When I first found X, I loved Fu and Kam. But then I became interested in Sei and Su and, well, I didn't stop loving Fu/Kam, but I noticed I stopped looking for their stories quite as… thoroughly as before. So now I'm slightly more likely to give a new Sei/Su story a chance over a Fu/Kam, but when I write… When I write there really are no preferences. I love them all, for totally different reasons. Sometimes I think I favor one or the other, like I'll be writing Sei and Su and think "wow, I really love these characters, I can do so much with them," but then I'll go back to a Fu/Kam scene and fall equally head-over-heels. It's unlike me to like so many character simultaneously, but I really can't choose! ^^,

nachan: I'm glad you enjoyed it! I certainly loved writing it! Even if I don't think this chapter turned out as well as it could have. I really appreciate the review. ^_^