This one is in Spencer's POV. Today was horrible!! I'm so sad that South is over. :( I thougth I'd cheer everyone up with an update. Haha.
LoveAsh87: I'm glad you made me keep going too. This story is a lot of fun to write, mostly because I get to listen to Anberlin songs over and over. Lol. Spencer's thought process is explained in this chapter a bit.
TutorGurl: I'm glad you caught all of that. The whole abusive thing is answered here. Spencer's just spiralling downward right now. Ashley screwed up majorly, but she's changed. That will be explored in more detail coming up because it's important.
hugbuddy13: I know. I love the thought of Spencer being on the other side, not all Abercrombie and Hollister. Her look reflects what's going on in her head and heart. And thank you.
Coachkimm: Oh good me too! I love writing like that. Metaphors and symbols are my friend!! Haha.
cookietme7: Why thank you. Lol. Ashley's got a lot of explaining to do. And Spencer, she's just fighting the inevitable as much as she can. The last paragraph was fun to write. So I'm happy you liked it.
Tonight my heart is cold
Lost in your lies, shallow replies
And gravity prevails this time it's over
And you think you're the one
I wanted to be angry. I wished so badly that I could just hate her and be done with it. She was so damn perfect, even after all that time, all the words she said. Somewhere along the way I'd stopped being pissed that she'd let me hang for so long wondering what happened and started being sorry that we lost out on six months we could have spent together. Throwing the fact that I had a girlfriend out was a last resort, I felt bad, like I'd done something wrong when her face fell. Then I went home to the girl I feared, because I was more afraid of the truth than I was of a few blows.
Calm me with your lies your simple tragedy
It's all I wish to hear tonight
and you're all I wish to be
And this is how we all fall
Tonight my heart is cold
Lost in your lies, shallow replies
Tonight I'll just let go
Lost in your eyes, transparent cries
I knew she'd be drunk. I knew she'd yell. I knew she'd want sex. But I went anyway.
"Spencer where the hell have you been?!" she screamed, voice drawled into an intoxicated blur of words.
"I went out. Don't worry about it."
"Of course I was worried! I love you, you know. I don't want anything to happen to you," what a pack of lies. She wasn't worried. I didn't know that she loved me, because frankly, she didn't. She loved controlling me. I did know that she didn't want anything to happen to me; at least she was the one doing it. That night, though, all I wanted was the lies she was feeding me.
And innocence derailed
Savage the poison
Unhurried compass east
I think somehow she knew where I'd been, and more importantly who with. She hit me hard, everywhere it wouldn't show, and then proceeded to force herself on me. It was something I'd grown used to, something no one should grow used to. She whispered in my ear after it all, told me she loved me and she was sorry she'd hit me. Then she continued to begin an explanation of why she was this way, before stopping short and rolling over sullenly. Such were the events of every night.
Calm me with your lies your simple tragedy
It's all I wish to hear tonight
and you're all I wish to be
And this is how we all fall
Tonight my heart is cold
Lost in your lies, shallow replies
Tonight I'll just let go
Lost in your eyes, transparent cries
But that night was different, on my end at least. That night I was all too well aware of what I could have. My heart had been frozen over for months, and now that it had begun to thaw, the truth came pouring out. I still wanted Ashley. But here I was with Carmen, willing her to lie to me, to hit me even because I was used to it. I wanted the predictability of a life with a girl who could never quite explain the tragedy of her past, who could never look me in the eyes when she promised to stop drinking. It was stable, it was comfortable, and it was everything I wished I could be happy with. Because it was so much more emotionally easy than being with someone I wanted to give my entire being to.
And we are, we are, we are the arsons
who start all of your fires
And we are the arsons
who start all of your fires, burning
Burning your city down
Her number was still on my phone, despite my whole hearted resolve to delete it as soon as I got back from our meeting. Long after the girl beside me had passed out, I lay there trying to breathe. I don't know why I kept trying when my oxygen was so far away. I pulled my phone out, to stare at the numbers without a name. Someone who wasn't even there was pulling my carefully constructed façade down, penetrating all my walls. Once again I thought of how bitterly unfair the whole situation was.
Tonight my heart is cold
Lost in your lies, shallow replies
Tonight I'll just let go
Lost in your eyes, transparent cries
So there I lay, long into the night, with my cell phone open and her number illuminated on the screen. Her name wasn't there, I hadn't saved it. If only I had realized the futility of trying to stay away. Even I was surprised when I saw that a call was connecting, that my treasonous thumb had pressed send.
"Hello?" a groggy voice came on the other end. For a moment I was stunned and dwelled only on the fact that she still sounded wonderful.
"Hi, Ashley. It's . . . uh . . . it's Spencer," well I sounded just eloquent. Forget Barack Obama, put me at the podium.
"Spencer, hey. What's up?" she sounded just as surprised as I had felt a moment ago. I suppose something about me telling her that all her words meant nothing and I didn't care what she said. What a lie that was. And in that instant, I knew, I had to see her. I had to have her know that I wasn't just some cold hearted bitch that threw away the one thing that had once kept me sane.
"I was just wondering, if maybe, we could, I don't know, get together and, you know, talk," seriously, I'd rock a speech.
"Sure. Yeah. When?"
Next up we have Ashley again. Prepare for some heartache! Lol. Please review!!