A/N well, it's been a while. Two weeks in fact. But now, finally, I have finished most of my exams and only have two science ones left at the end of June :D I did mean to update on thursday, which was my last day (I HAVE NOW OFFICIALLY FINISHED YEAR 11, AM ON STUDY LEAVE AND NEVER HAVE TO GO BACK TO QE AGAIN. COLLEGE IN SEPTEMBER INSTEAD. WOOOO) but it was an emosh day with lots of feels and then I had ballet and then an exam on friday, so you have this today instead. But now I have the next three months off with nothing to do, so expect frequent updates :)
Warnings/triggers: homophobia, self harm, eating disorder, the f-bomb, all the usual happy stuff. Please, please don't read if any of this triggers you. I don't want any of my beautiful, kind, amazing readers to hurt themselves, I love you all. Btw, if you are in a dark place and need to talk to someone, either PM me or come find me on tumblr/ twitter. I'm dreamer-dancer-writer on tumblr and Bethany1D_DV on twitter :)
Disclaimer: I wish and wish on 11:11 but Glee and anything recognise is not mine.
Jeff's alarm clock blared into the oppressing silence of his dark room and his eyes snapped open. Blearily, he rolled over and smacked the off button and glanced at the flashing red numbers. 5:00. Jeff smiled sleepily. He had two and a half hours before he had to leave for school. Two and a half hours in which to work on perfecting himself.
The tall blonde jumped out of bed and grabbed his headphones. Plugging them in, he switched to his favourite work out music and started the gruelling hour long exercise session he'd devised for himself in order to lose weight and gain flexibility and strength. Jeff led his thoughts wonder as he automatically pushed his body through various exercises.
It had been a week since that day at Dalton when Jeff realised he needed to make himself perfect for Nick. Jeff had stuck to his strict training regime, with his hour long workout every morning and then spending at least three hours in the dance studio and an hour in the gym every evening. He'd also stuck to s plans not to eat anything and had managed to survive on endless glasses of water, black coffee, the occasional apple and chewing gum when the hunger pangs got too bad. Slowly, oh so slowly, Jeff could see the pounds start to melt away, but he was still too fat. No one would want him at this weight, which was why he still couldn't eat anything.
He'd also managed to improve his school grades slightly. He spent an hour every morning studying, and spent every evening from when he got home to around midnight/one o'clock doing his homework and making sure he understood what he was doing in every lesson.
Jeff was making himself perfect. And it felt good.
Around two hours later Jeff had finished working out and studying and had jumped in the shower. He let out a deep sigh as the warm water cascaded over his tense back. The shower was Jeff's favourite place. No one would disturb him, no one could see how utterly vile he looked apart from himself and he could cut in peace, with the bonus of it hurting that little bit extra and making the release he felt that little bit stronger. Yes, the shower was a good place. But all too soon he'd washed his hair, body and face and cut a couple times as reminders to be good that day. Jeff sighed. He had to get out and face the real world. Hopefully though, it was too early for his father to be up.
Jeff spoke too soon. His father burst into the room in a drunken rage just as Jeff was applying product in his hair and styling it the way Nick like it. Jeff met his fathers angry eyes in the mirror and started to tremble. He'd be going to school with several new bruises today.
"Hey, fag, styling your hair for someone special?" his father slurred tauntingly. Jeff merely froze, one hand in his hair and tried to speak with out showing his terror.
"N-no father" he said politely, with the utmost respect in his voice. His father hated it if he spoke to him without this respect. Jeff had learnt that the hard way.
"Good job. No one would want a fat, ugly fairy like you. Not even your mother loves you. She drowns her sadness at having such a failure of a son in that blasted bottle. It's your fault she's this way. And now it's your fault that bitch went and fucking drunk all my bloody alcohol" as his father delivered this speech, Jeff watched him come closer and closer, getting angrier and angrier until he was punctuating every word in his last couple sentences with a punch to Jeff's face and torso. "What do you have to say for yourself faggot?"
Jeff cast his eyes to the ground and muttered an apology.
"Speak up, I can't hear you" was shouted at the blonde, accompanied with a punch to the chest. Jeff muttered another apology, this one slightly louder.
"I still can't fucking hear you" this time the words were spat at him and Jeff was pushed off of his chair onto the floor. He whimpered slightly as his head cracked against the ground. "Apologise so I can hear you fag" a foot descended hard onto his ribs and Jeff could hear a crack as pain flared up in his chest.
The tears started to fall as he choked out a loud apology.
"I'm sorry father. I'm sorry I've been such a disappointment to you. I'm sorry I've never been good enough and that you have to put up with such an ugly, worthless son. I'm sorry that I made mother this way. I never meant to hurt her" the tears started falling thicker and faster and the older man sneered at his son. Spitting in his face, he delivered one final kick to Jeff's already painful side.
"You'll always be fat and worthless and you always have been, how can you say you never wanted to hurt her when you've hurt her everyday for the past 10 years. I can't stand to see you anymore fag, have a good day at school. Don't disturb me, I don't want to see your face until I come looking for it, don't want to be reminded of my failure of a son. Goodbye fag" with that, Jeff's father breezed out of the door.
Jeff laid on the floor until he felt the pain in his ribs was more manageable. The blonde knew they were broken, he'd broken them before and he knew he was just going to have to deal with the pain. No matter, he'd still dealt with worse and he just had to make sure Nick or the other Warblers didn't notice. That would be disastrous. Out of the corner of his eye, Jeff spotted the time on his clock.
Shit. He had to leave or he'd never make it to school in time for first period. Carefully he stood up, assessing the pain. Bad, really bad, but just about manageable. Taking one last glance in the mirror at his appearance (awful, but that was nothing new) he walked out of the house and to his car, clutching his bag in one hand and his ribs in the other. Just breath Jeffrey he reminded himself.
Jeff made it to lunch before the pain in his ribs got really really bad. He sat down next to Nick at lunch, wincing as the pain shot through his sides, involuntarily letting out a squeak of pain. Nick glanced at him, alarmed.
"Jeff, Jeffy what's wrong?" his best friend asked with genuine concern. Jeff knew there was no point in lying. Nick would be able to tell. No, it was better to bend the truth slightly.
"I, er, fell down a couple steps on the way to school and bruised my ribs slightly. It's nothing, promise"
"Jeff, it's not nothing, not if you're in pain. Perhaps you shouldn't go to Warbler rehearsal or the studio later" Jeff's eyes flew open.
"No, no, it's not that bad. I can't miss a rehearsal. Wes would kill me with his gavel. And I promised I'd help David with his choreo later. I have to go"
"But Jeff, you're in pain. Wes and David will understand"
"No Nick, I'm going to Warbler rehearsal, and then I'm going to the studio and then the gym" Nick sighed, knowing there was no point in arguing any further. Jeff was stubborn when he wanted to be.
"Okay, okay. Just take it easy yeah. For me" Nick sighed out.
"Course Nicky" Jeff couldn't not promise, if this was for Nick. There was silence for a few minutes as Nick shovelled in food and Jeff sipped from his water bottle. Then Nick looked at his plate, then at the empty table in front of Jeff and frowned.
" Aren't you going to eat anything?" he asked curiously.
"Nah, I ate a big breakfast" lies. All lies.
"C'mon man, you have to eat something. You'll waste away" Nick playfully prodded Jeff in the side and the blonde flinched away, not wanting Nick to feel how fat he was. Nick frowned in confusion.
"Touched a bruise" was all Jeff offered as an explanation, but realisation and guilt dawned in Nick's eyes.
"God, sorry man, I forgot"
"S'okay" the rest of lunch was spent in companionable silence, Nick eating and reading a book, Jeff drinking and studying. Soon, the bell rang for the afternoon and Nick jumped up, dragging his friend with him.
" LETS GO TO FRENCH" the brunette warbler cheered and bounded off, Jeff in tow. The blonde ran after his friend, trying not to show how much pain he was in. It was going to be a long day, but Jeff was determined to do everything he normally did. He couldn't have a day off in his attempts to make himself perfect. He couldn't, otherwise he'd never be perfect and he'd always be a failure. Jeff smiled slightly. He was strong, and he could get through this.
A/N hope you enjoyed that as much as you could. Jeff will soon be completely broken and then I shall get Nick to start fixing him and all will be well in Niff land. Wooooo
Update soooon, tomorrow if you're lucky :)
Reviews would be amazing darling readers (by the way, the response to this fic has been amazing, so many alerts. Some of you have also favourite authored me which is just the biggest praise. However, it would be nice to see a few more reviews...)
I LOVE YOU ALL.