Damn, who'd have thought one annoying cat could blurt out so much garbage in one scene? Someone should have put her back in the sack before she boarded this ship. All this load of nonsense sure made me hungry. At least there's a dining room nearby. Even though I'm barely five hours on this ship, I already know I shouldn't expect anything too fancy about the food. And by that I mean the food tasting like my ass after a bad fur day. I'm an actor, I can't let that kind of stuff happen to me.
On second thought, the dining room actually looks pretty good! I see several pots with hot meals and plates with salads and cheeses, and slices of cold meat as well. For now I'll just settle with a chili-dog. Which... actually tastes good! Seems like I've underestimated this ship after all, at least there's one good thing here. I'll just take another chili-dog and make my way out. And now to continue my quest of bothering more guests.
Now I'll try the room in the left corner of the front side of the ship. OK, maybe it was a mistake. It's the annoying fox duo. The elderly one was tinkering with some weird robot thing, while the two-tailed mutant was just standing there as if this dictator didn't let him do anything else.
"Uncle," he called, "a foreign entity is standing in our doorstep threshold. Ought I to ask it what it might request?"
"Tails, get rid of this bacteria mixture in any way you find fitting!" the uncle responded firmly.
"Entity entity, please dissipate in the compound of the fresh air," the uncle's pet said to me.
"The last person who had asked me to dissipate found himself in a hospital!" I snapped. "He was a doctor, and he chased me with a needle in the size of raw spaghetti! He keeps chasing me to this day! And... Actually I came here to shove my nose into your personal business. Who are you? What do you do? How much money do you have in your bank account? Everything interests me, you know."
"Ha! How do you expect me to bother nominating, explaining, and setting your ear to hear about my haul of discoveries, researches, and degrees?" muttered the elderly fox. "If you request the essence of events for the sake of the discussion, then this is my talented nephew, Tails. Tails, introduce yourself to this garbage rat that came to visit us."
"Hello garbage rat, my name is Tails, a talented pupil," said his mutated nephew. "I shall work to contribute my part to the world of science."
"And my name is Doctor Merlin Prower!" the uncle added. "In addition, I must cite that I do not engage in humanoid pain, but in robotics."
For Dio's sake, how do I make them stop!? Let's try something.
"This is very interesting and all, but actually I wanted to ask, could I borrow Tails from you for a game of paddles?" I asked.
"Yes, yes! A game of paddles!" Tails cheered. "The last one that arrives is... a patty."
"Tails, you are a patty even without arriving last!" Merlin snapped angrily.
"Uncle, uncle," Tails begged, "my spirit seeks the freedom!"
"This spirit of mischief always ends up badly!" shouted Merlin firmly. "For the sake of this discussion, we shall take your brother, Bumblefeet. One day he started joking around with me with practical jokes, until I had no choice but to nail him to the bathroom and set the building on fire as an educational punishment!"
Oh, poor kid. He only wants to have some fun. Apparently my mind was right about his uncle not letting him do anything.
"Hey doofus, do you know with whom you have the honors?" I suddenly asked. I don't know why, but it just came out.
"Yeah, sure," Tails replied, "you're from this video-game. Wow, I really loved that part wh-"
"Tails, for the sake of this discussion, what by all the squirrels do you think you're doing!?" Merlin shouted with a glare.
"Exchanging experiences with the foreign entity, uncle," responded Tails indifferently.
"Cease engaging in chattering! You haven't yet completed the task of ordering the paperclips by size, color, and manufacturing country which I have assigned you!" Merlin exclaimed. Damn, he's not letting the kid live! "What is the thing similar to? A lab rat that decides to try its luck in real estate businesses."
"Uncle, maybe said rat is competent in engaging in two businesses simultaneously," said Tails.
"Maybe the rat is, but you are not! Get rid of this scum assembly!" the angry old bastard responded.
"Scum assembly," Tails turned to me, "I must return to ordering my uncle's paperclips."
"Excuse me doc, but this degenerate nephew of yours keeps making faces at me!" I shouted.
"Tails, I command you to cease this reckless behavior!" Merlin roared.
Maybe I annoyed them enough. It seems like this old madman wants to get rid of me as soon as he can. On second thought, I think I'll go away whenever I want to. I have another little joke up my sleeve.
"I have a riddle in geometry which I happened to hear in some old radio show and I couldn't stop it, oh it was horrible!" I said.
Tails then does some calisthenics, probably as an alternative form of preparing for such questions. "One, two, three, etcetera, and the square root of something powered by something else..." he mumbled to himself. This gave me some time to rehash this riddle.
"OK, it kind of goes something like this," I say. "A plumber fills up a-"
"Kind of!? What do you mean kind of!?" Merlin suddenly boomed.
"What am I, Oxford!? Look up the entries 'kind' and 'of' in the dictionary!" I retort. "And while you're at it, take a look at the entry 'Go to fucking hell' as well!"
This bastard cut off my thinking cord! Good thing I have a backup plan.
"A motorbike rider travels from Mobius to New Junk City while waving one of his hands all the way to his friend, Hugh Janus," I explained. "In contrast, the Rock N' Roll Train drives in a TOTALLY HYSTERICAL velocity! I don't quite remember the number, but anyways, to how many parts would the motorbike rider split up?"
Ha, I completely boggled their minds, haven't I? Merlin looks a bit worried by my nonsensical riddle and my victorious smile, but his mutated nephew maintains his indifferent and depressing expression as usual while actually thinking of a solution to this bullshit.
"The number of coaches multiplied by the hood powered by Hugh Janus," the mutant mumbles to himself. His uncle seems to be annoyed by all this.
"The truth is that I believe in trial and error," he said and pushed his nephew, and made him push me out of the door.
"Aye."
"Aaaaaaah-" *insert sounds of a fast-moving train and a few bumps here*
"One, two, three, four, oh here's another one, five- five, uncle."
Don't worry, those were just sound effects. I'm OK. The production team didn't even give me any bandages to prove it. Maybe it's time to check the ship's second floor, since I had the first floor covered, and if my ears are not deceiving me, I'm probably hearing strange noises coming from one of the upper rooms. But first I'll grab another chili-dog from the dining room. And perhaps a little can of sweet corn and a glass of carrot juice as well. The same one that Bunnie had never given me.
Hmm, there's also a basement. Nah, I'll check that out on the next chapter. I'd better see what's going on with those noises from the second floor. Following those noises, like in some other production I'd been on. On my way upwards I find a card of an Artisan Slipknotted Goat. I've been searching for this one for ages.
There it is. I open the door just to see a vase getting tossed outta there!
"You crazy cow! Not the Chinese vase!" exclaimed a masculine voice, which came from a black hedgehog with black stripes. Another vase was being tossed by a female white bat who was just wearing a shiny necklace, black training pants, and a black tank top, thus exposing her tanned belly. The black hedgehog, who just had the aforementioned vase break on his face, was just wearing a black tuxedo and a red tie.
"Cholera, I'll tear your-" he said and then he noticed me and laughed. "Look darling, one of the polite ship guests has entered to greet us for a welcome!"
Well, if this wasn't a bad way to conceal a brawl, I don't know what is. Allow me to demonstrate my psychological skills from my short college days. Yes, I'm making that up. You shouldn't be surprised by now.
"Oh, you're fighting? I know that," I respond, "my mother once tossed a blender at me."
"You gotta forgive my husband, he's a bit clumsy," the bat chuckled. "The vase had slipped from his hand."
"Rouge darling, the vase never would have slipped from my hand if the television hadn't slipped from your hand and fallen on my head!" the black hedgehog glared.
"Yes Shadow honey," the bat replied, "but all this never would have happened if you hadn't tried to shove me into the water from the quay with your tractor!"
"Ha ha ha ha ha," Shadow laughed, "I wasn't trying to shove you into the water, Rouge. I was trying to run you over viciously!"
"Grrrrrrrrrrrrrrr!" Rouge snarled in rage and tossed another vase at Shadow. How come they have enough money for all those vases? And they just use those vases for this purpose? Their life must be very miserable if that's the case.
"You gotta forgive my wife," Shadow turned to me, "she's a bit angry this morning because I had burned her uncle, Thucydides Topia."
"WHY YOU MOTHERFUC-" the bat growled, only to get cut off by her husband.
"Enough darling, let's not get mad, we have a guest," he said. "What's your name, dear?"
"'Dear' call her uncle Thucydides Topia!" I snapped at the crazy red-striped bastard.
"What a sharp-tongued varmint you are!" he chuckled at me. "Perhaps would you like to buy a burial plot with a marble tombstone from me? In these crazy days it's impossible to know when the sharp-tongues' hour should come."
OK, I think it's time to make some more use of my fictitious psychological competence. "I sense there's some tension between you two," I began. "Maybe we should start with you, Rouge. Do you feel, I mean, feel, uh... how should I phrase this? Are you feeling some sort of discomfort?"
"Discomfort? Yes there is a certain discomfort when SOMEONE TRIES TO RUN YOU OVER WITH HIS TRACTOR!" the bat screamed, spreading her wings wider than before. I never thought she had such a wingspan.
Shadow just chuckled at her and responded: "If you weren't careful to move all the time, then we wouldn't have this unpleasantness."
"Grrrrrrrrrrrrr!" Rouge growled again and guess what? She tossed another vase at Shadow! Damn, I would be a better fortune-teller than Blaze. "You gotta forgive my husband, he's suffering from migraines today," she giggled. "Perhaps would you like a glass of water, darling? I'd even sacrifice the entire jug." She then growled and tossed said jug at Shadow.
This makes me wonder how come Shadow doesn't get hurt from all this. Either he has an impressive stamina and/or immunity and/or strange recovery ability, or all those vases and jugs are fake and that would actually explain why they have so many.
Wait, the entire jug, she said? Which one exactly? And are those ones fake too? Yes, I'm having those thoughts. Those jugs are definitely fake. You guys must admit that this joke was just demanding.
"And if I'm allowed to return to my first question, who are you again?" Shadow asked me.
"WHAT!? You don't know my name!? How do you even dare to show your face in public?!" I boomed in rage. "I would be ashamed instead of you if I didn't know my name! Let me inform you that I received an extremely severe concussion from the vase you had thrown at me, which most undoubtedly ruined my entire future as a successful actor! I think I deserve an appropriate monetary compensation! Will you buy me a yacht, perhaps?"
I know the vase just barely missed me by less than a quarter of an inch, but I just want to keep pulling their leg to see if I can actually get something. You already know me. I'm an actor, I've got whims.
"Dear, why talk about money when you can talk about cardboard boxes?" Shadow answered. "Allow me to grant you an illustrated cardboard box! I place it on the water for you and it floats for an hour."
"Psssssh, really? Perhaps do you also have something for my cousin Otep and her ten children?" I ask sarcastically. "She's searching for a bachelor apartment in N. Sanity Island."
"Did you say N. Sanity Island!? Your cousin is lucky! A certain space has just been evacuated there for me!" Shadow exclaimed. "However, I'm afraid that ten children is a bit problematic. I might be able to crowd all of them inside the chimneys of Cortex's tower, Three-three-three. But we will have to get rid of the last one somehow."
Yeah... I think he was smart enough to understand I was just talking complete poppycock. I guess he isn't as stupid as I thought he was after all. That's a shame, it takes away the fun.
"So... you said you're an actor? What a coincidence, darling! I believe there's a successful actor in your family," Shadow added. "What's his name?"
"Thucydides Topia," Rouge muttered, "you had burned him this morning!" This made both me and him widen our eyes.
"A- a tragic occurrence, a tragic occurrence, darling," Shadow replied nonchalantly, and then he turned to me again. "It was nice knowing you, Mr., uh... watch out for the glass pieces on your way out."
"Get out!? Whaddya mean get out!? Finally when something interesting is going on!?" I roared. "What do you think I have to do on this stinking deck!? Those guys over there keep making me run around all the time! Go right, no, go left, ascend at the left, descent at the right, right and go up, go down on the left corner, go up on the right, the captain's room on the left and go down, go left and descend, descend to the lower deck and ascend to the upper deck! Do you really think I have energy for their whims!? Plant me to the ground and call me an apricot tree! I'm not moving!"
It seems like my constant talking did make those two assholes widen their eyes, but not for long. Now they're just glaring at me harder than before. I'll try a different tactic.
"Damn it, are you forcing me out already?" I ask. "So what about the cup? Should I glue it for you?"
"Such casualness!" Shadow cheered. "Do you need glue, sir? Her cousin, Diomedes Topia, has a glue-tube factory. Would you like to buy it? Just sign here-"
"Shadow darling," Rouge whispered to him, even though I could still hear it perfectly, "my cousin has no factory, he's been sitting in a pedestrians' street in the Bridge of Eldin and trying to fish out coins from the sewer after we dispossessed him from all his property!"
"Ha ha ha ha ha, perhaps would you like to buy the sewer in the Bridge of Eldin from me?" Shadow laughed again. "Guaranteed lifetime income, just sign here, and here! Ha ha ha ha ha!"
This is getting boring. "So... should I go?"
"If it's not too hard for you, honey," Rouge smiled. "Just watch out for those glass shards in the entrance. My dear husband will escort you out."
And in a rather original way indeed. Rouge snarls again while tossing another vase towards Shadow, but instead of letting the vase hit him, Shadow just charges at me and shoves me out!
I must admit, this was much scarier than the train. I should probably refrain from entering this room as long as those two psychos are in there. Wow, is it 1 PM already? I better see the other rooms. Hmm, let's see... roulette, arcade, and this one just says "stuff". The door in the center of this deck seems to lead to a lounge. There isn't anything much to see there aside from a counter with drinks, a sofa, and a large piano. Perhaps I could use this in one of the later chapters. I grab a card of... what seems to be a Davis Yuktopus, before heading out. This one is kind of rare.
And where does this door lead? I open it and see it has- Oh no, not her again!
"By my stuffed spirit, I don't believe you're actually setting foot in my room!" the pink fangirl giggles. "The famous actor, what an honor! Wait, hold on, I'll mark where you're standing and then I'll cut the carpet, and I'll take it home!"
I just enter the room without saying anything, feeling frustrated because of Amy's annoyance. But who knows? Maybe I can find another card or other valuable stuff. While searching, I accidentally made a stupid mistake when my mane suddenly rubbed Amy's shoulder.
"Wow, I can't believe it, you touched me!" she squealed happily. "Wait a sec, I'll note the hour so I could tattoo the date and hour on my belly later!"
This girl is crazy! I gotta do it quick before she starts scrambling my brains again! Hey, what's this? A wallet? And she left it on the drawer unguarded? What an idiot! I think I'll just... Yes, just to annoy her back! That'll teach her to waste my time!
"Hey, that's my wallet! Put it back in the drawer!" Amy exclaimed as I take her money from the wallet. "Woah, you've left nothing for me! Hey, you also took my grandfather's pensioner card!"
"Say thanks that I didn't take your grandfather!" I retorted. I see she has a laptop on her bed, but I've gotta at least leave one form of entertainment for herself. Therefore, let's see what she has in this closet over there.
"No no no, you can't open this closet! I have very important stuff in there!" Amy said in stress.
"Hey, hey, why are you so anxious about your privacy? Come on, let me peek! What else do I have to do here?" I respond and turn my attention to the closet again. "So what are you hiding there?" I add and open the closet. "Let's see... How many clothing sets did you bring here? What happened, did you rob a silk factory? It's all the same here! Pffffft, you have no idea in collections!"
All I found there was a duplicated set of silky provocative clothing. I can't believe I touched that. Oh wait, those provocative clothes are identical to the dress she's wearing now.
"Tell me you little puff pastry, why do you need this little metallic cylinder?" I mutter. "What is this, some sort of collapsible pole?"
"Wait a sec..." she tried to stop me.
"Wait schmait, I don't need this! Go choke yourself with your closet!" I respond and walk out. This chapter is already getting too long, I'll just end this with finding this card of Lemmy's Lemming and move along.
TO BE CONTINUED...
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