Chapter 15: Hurt Me
The cleaning party had been intended to be, well, sort of a party. Genma had invited several of his friends, figuring that they'd play some music, bring some food and drink, and manage to have some fun with it. Kotetsu showed up early, alone, wanting to be sure that Genma was ready before Iruka came by, that he still knew what the plan was in terms of what to tell Iruka. As far as he knew, Genma and Iruka hadn't actually spoken since the day Iruka left Genma's house, over a week ago. Kotetsu himself had passed messages back and forth a time or two, but for the most part, it seemed they'd both been trying to give things time to calm down for the moment.
To say Kotetsu was frustrated with them was an understatement. He didn't mind that Iruka had been staying at his apartment, nor that Genma had been sort of a needy friend, constantly asking if he could stop by and bugging him more and more often at work. None of those things were really an issue for Kotetsu, because he was a generous friend, and he liked the extra company sometimes too. What was frustrating him was that both of them were so damned unhappy, when they didn't really have to be. Genma hadn't even spoken to Raidou yet, and Iruka still believed that Genma didn't know about his breakup with Kakashi, and hadn't done anything to change that. He wanted to just beat the shit out of both of them, or maybe just tie them up and make them face each other. He was nervous about this "party", not only because he knew the cleaning process itself was going to be difficult for Genma, but because there was probably going to be some awkwardness between Iruka and Genma. And Kakashi if he showed up, though that was very unlikely. But the last he'd heard, Anko meant to show, despite the fact that she'd been at Raidou's side through the whole mess.
The frustration abated a bit when he was met by a more-cheerful-than-expected Genma, but came back full force when Genma insisted on still saying nothing to Iruka, on waiting until this at least was over, and then giving it consideration. "Just get it over with!" Kotetsu wanted to growl, but instead he merely nodded, and set about cleaning.
Iruka got out of the shower and toweled off, then walked through Kotetsu's apartment naked, Izumo looking up from the couch as he walked through. "Might want to wear some clothes," the younger man noted, and smiled when a brown hand reached out to smack him upside the head. He stood and followed Iruka into the guest bedroom, where most of his things seemed to have migrated over the past few days. Once there, he lounged on the bed and watched his friend dress.
Iruka dressed himself in tattered jeans and a t-shirt that said "Hurt Me" on it, which brought laughter from his audience. "Well, I might as well admit it hurts," Iruka said with a shrug.
Izumo nodded, understanding the logic of that. He waited while Iruka put his hair up, then stood and slipped his arms around his friend from behind, looking at them both in the mirror as he spoke softly to his old friend. "You know, Kakashi was invited, though I don't know if he'll show up. He is back from his mission though, and if he shows up, there's no question anymore of whether Genma will know you're not together. And even if he doesn't… I know this will hurt either way. You sure you're up to it?"
Iruka leaned back into his friend's touch, letting himself be comforted for a moment, before he straightened again. "Yeah, I'm ready. Genma really needs this, and I think I really need it too. Just make sure I don't bring home too much of my old stuff, okay?"
Izumo smiled. "Well, seeing as you don't ever seem to go home these days, I don't think that will be a problem. If you try to bring too much stuff back to Tetsu's, he'll stop you himself. We're already occupying his space with two extra bodies lately."
The older chuunin suddenly turned to look at his friend, reaching out to wrap his own arms around Izumo's waist. "What's up with that, anyways? How often do you normally stay here, if you weren't busy taking care of your whiny post-breakup friend?"
The comment was met with a laugh and a shrug. "Not for longer than a couple of nights in a row at least. Whatever people might say about Tetsu and I, we're not… " Izumo paused, not sure how to explain.
Iruka waved it away. "Yeah, I don't think there are really words for whatever Tetsu and you are. I've always just kind of accepted it being undefined and figured you'd let me know if I stepped on anyone's toes with my behavior."
"That's what I love about you, Iruka, " Izumo replied, pulling his friend closer and placing a kiss in the corner of his mouth. "So, yeah, I would normally have been long since out of here, but I wasn't going to leave you hanging. And you could always come by my place, but it's not as comfortable, and I figured you'd rather have us both around anyway. Besides, if we'd been at my place, you wouldn't have made it to work yesterday morning."
Iruka gave a little laugh. "Mmm, definitely need Kotetsu to keep us in line. You would have let me drink straight through until morning."
The mischievous monkey grinned. "Well, really, Iruka, how do you expect me to stop plying you with drinks when you dance like that?" His expression grew serious for a moment. "I hope you're actually managing to get something out of this partying. I'd hate to think that we're ultimately making things worse for you right now, but you seem okay." He wanted to say more, that he wanted to get the fun in while he had time, because he had a mission that would take him away for a few days at least, and he wouldn't be there for Iruka then. But he let it go for now, because he didn't want to upset his friend before the "party" that he knew would be hard on the man anyway. "Come on, speaking of partying, we have a cleaning party to get to."
Iruka nodded and they set about finishing getting ready, Iruka's mind already spinning with thoughts of what it would feel like to see Genma, knowing that Genma didn't know, would know soon if Kakashi chose to make an appearance. He wanted to hide, bury himself in Kotetsu's bed and let Izumo go without him, tell Genma he was sick or something. Instead he put one foot in front of the other, resolutely, until he reached the front door of the house that still bore his mark everywhere. He raised his hand to knock, and then found he simply couldn't do it, but was too awkward about just letting himself
in. Izumo sighed, gave a rueful grin, and then knocked on the door himself, standing just in front of Iruka, as if shielding him a little from his own fear. "Come on in!" came the call from inside, and Izumo turned the doorknob and held the door open for his companion, who walked past him and inside.
The scarf was still hanging on the hook, and Iruka wondered if it too would be moved eventually, or if it would wait until the owner of the brightly colored item came back to reclaim it. He reached out and ran a finger over it, just as he had the first time he'd noticed it abandoned there. Izumo rolled his eyes at the gesture. "You know, if Genma goes back to Raidou just because he thinks he can't have you, you won't really be doing Rai any favors," he whispered, in a harsh tone that Iruka would have almost thought worthy of Kotetsu. Then he walked off down the hallway, without looking back.
Iruka stood for a long moment staring at the scarf, and then shook his head. "I already made my decision," he whispered aloud. For all the he wanted to be with Genma, it meant more to him to give Raidou a chance, because… "I've thought about myself too much already. Time to think about someone else."
The step into the living room was hard, and he took it with his eyes closed, not caring if his friends saw and laughed at his foolishness. He opened them to find Genma seated on the leather couch, sorting through a box and trying desperately to look comfortable. He thought he was fine until the honey-haired man looked up and met his eyes, smiling around the senbon in his mouth and raising a hand in a silent wave, and then suddenly Iruka felt like he was falling. But he smiled anyway, because he had promised to help, and they needed his input anyway, because far too many of the things here were his still, even if he had cleaned out his room.
That's the smile. I want to tell him to go away if he's going to come into my home and smile at me that way, that fucking lie of a smile, like the lie he's telling me still. Genma knew he was lying to himself as well though, because what the smile really made him want to do was go take Iruka in his arms and comfort him. This wasn't the time, however, and it wasn't like Iruka had shown up alone. From what Kotetsu had said, Iruka had been holed up in his apartment since that first night after he left Genma's, so he hadn't ever really had to be alone.
"Hurt me?" he said softly, after just looking at his old love for a long moment.
Iruka answered with nothing more than a shrug, not quite trusting his voice yet. He waved to Kotetsu, who had apparently taken a break, because at the moment he was sitting in the corner with Izumo lounging next to him. Kotetsu waved back, and then gave Iruka the exit he needed. "I found some of your things that you should look through already, actually. Been just putting them aside. Why don't I show you?" He stood and walked past Iruka out into the hall, and Iruka gave Genma one last wistful look and then turned on his heel and followed.
It was an oddly quiet affair for the first hour, for all that they had called it a "party." But Anko brought the party with her when she came, slinging around bags of food and drink, cranking up the music, and generally proving she didn't intend to do any real work. Still, Genma greeted her enthusiastically, happy that she had chosen to show up, considering she was pretty upset with both him and Iruka over Raidou,
and rightfully so. Her presence proved invaluable though, because she would say "You don't need it," with just the right amount of harshness any moment there was hesitation, any time it was possible Genma was going to do something to jeopardize himself. Genma found himself smiling at her, wanting to thank her, but she merely reached out and set a fist on his head, lightly.
More and more things were piling up on the lawn, furniture and random household items, and more and more of them were getting dragged away, given away, hauled off to be disposed of. It was afternoon when Iruka found himself taking a break, slipping off alone to sit on the cushions in Genma's favorite space, slowly sipping a beer and trying to keep his head straight. He'd nearly burst into tears when Izumo had claimed his favorite armchair, the one that used to sit in his room. Iruka knew why, knew he couldn't have it, but it had felt like his, not Genma's. He had even tried to tell Izumo it would go better at Kotetsu's place, but Kotetsu had shaken his head gravely. "As long as you're staying with me, it'd be just the same as you keeping it." And Iruka had hung his head in defeat, and walked away.
"You okay?" came the soft voice, and he looked up to see the man leaning against the wall, honey-colored hair falling free, lips wrapped around thin metal as always.
"You'd think I'd be asking you that," the younger man said slowly, before taking another sip off his drink. He studied the other man's features, the curl of his lip, the pose that seemed a boneless sprawl even though he was standing. Iruka wasn't sure whether to move, whether he was ready to be alone with his friend yet, with his first love, his ultimate temptation. Then Genma laughed, and came to sit beside him, and he was only Genma again, and it was okay.
"I thought you were going to lose it back there," Genma said quietly, obviously concerned.
The chuunin gave a little shrug, wiping one callused hand over his forehead, not caring that it left smudges of dust in its wake. "Yeah, I guess I'm taking this kind of hard. But you have to do it, for your own sake, I know that. I can leave if I'm making things harder on you," he offered, without looking at the other man.
Just tell me the damn truth. I want to hear it from you. Instead, however, Genma said, "No, it's fine. I take it Kakashi decided he wasn't coming?" he prompted hopefully.
"I… don't know. He might be by later," Iruka said honestly, having not talked to Kakashi and therefore not knowing his plans. As much as he wanted to see the jounin, he really hoped that he didn't show up, because he just wasn't ready to have Genma know where things stood yet. Not until Genma talked to Raidou, and maybe if they made it through today Iruka should try pushing Raidou in Genma's direction, though he wasn't quite sure how he'd accomplish that.
Genma let out a little sigh, disappointed, and crossed the space between them to sit beside Iruka. He sat just looking at the other man for a long moment, and then stretched out on the cushions and closed his eyes, basking in his friend's presence even while letting the silence, and the lie, stretch between them.
Movement at the door to the room caused Iruka to look up from his beer, and his eyes widened when he saw who stood there. "Kakashi," he said softly, which caused Genma's eyes to fly open as well. "Hi,"
Iruka added quietly, even as Genma sat up and scooted away from him, as if he'd been caught doing something wrong.
Kakashi's eyebrows flew up at the movement, and he shook his head. Naruto had told him everything when he'd come home from his mission, how Iruka had been staying at Kotetsu's, how apparently Iruka didn't want Genma to know that he wasn't still with Kakashi. The sheer idiocy of the whole mess made Kakashi want to throttle someone, but instead he simply stood there in the doorway and waved, putting on a happy face that didn't come quite as hard as he thought it would.
"Hi, Iruka," Kakashi replied cheerily, before crossing to where Genma sat and clapping the older man on the back. "I just wanted to stop by and let you know everything was cool between us, though I can't stay. I'm glad that you're getting your life in order, and if you find you need anything, just let me know, okay?" He stood for just a moment like that, moving his hand to rest on Genma's shoulder, and then when the other man only nodded at him, he turned to walk away.
"Kashi," Iruka said softly, standing and crossing the room to catch the man before he could leave.
Kakashi shook his head gravely, but when he turned, he was smiling again. "I'll see you later, Iruka. And don't worry, we'll work things out. Soon, I promise you." He waved cheerfully, and decided that walking away would just mean probably getting stopped again, so he utilized a teleportation jutsu instead, saving himself any further heartache by getting the hell out. When he materialized, it was back at Iruka's (not mine anymore) apartment, where he and Naruto had been doing cleaning of their own, packing up his things to move into the apartment Naruto had helped him pick out just a couple of days before.
The blond looked up at his ex-sensei with concern on his face when he reappeared. "You sure I can't go pound Iruka-sensei for you a little more?" he asked with his best fox-grin.
Kakashi shook his head. "Nah. My going there didn't have anything to do with him. Just wanted to make sure Genma knew I didn't hate him, however things went. We were friends before either of us knew Iruka-sensei, you know?"
Naruto nodded. "Yeah." He paused, wondering exactly who was going to be Kakashi's friend now, with half the fucking village focused on Iruka and Genma. Then he realized… and smiled. "I'm your friend now, Kakashi," he said very deliberately, biting his tongue to keep from adding the "sensei" on the end.
Kakashi laughed and chucked a book he'd been holding at the younger man. "Yeah, you are. That's why you and Hinata-san are going to have me over for dinner tonight, and feed me a good dinner to soothe my pain, right?"
They both laughed a little at that, but… it wasn't quite enough, not yet, and they both knew it. Just one more thing to mourn, Kakashi reminded himself, picking up yet another part of his life and stowing it into a flimsy cardboard box.