Chapter 4

As I watch Tessa's retreating form I am momentarily frozen in place. I watch as the darkness engulfs her. I watch as she takes the last few steps around the corner, effectively taking her from my view. It is not until I can no longer see her that I feel oxygen flood my lungs. What the hell was that?! Something about this encounter shakes me to my core. Turning back around I grasp the hand rail as if it were a life raft. Taking deep, steadying breaths, I look out to the sea. Clearly, the ocean air is messing with my ability to think.

Several minutes go by and I'm able to put Tessa's presence, and the effect she has on me out of my mind. Well, not out of my mind, but at least to the back of my mind. I do not let people get to me. I am not going to start now. Certainly not with someone I just met. Not over a woman. Albeit a beautiful woman, with soulful green eyes.

With a deep breath I resolve to enjoy the rest of my night. I am here, in the middle of the damn ocean, on a floating fucking city. It's time to start acting like it. With that, I throw my shoulders back and walk with purpose back to Ivory Keys.

When I walk back into the bar, I notice the vibe is subtly different. All the lights are dimmed and there is a spotlight shining down on the piano. Someone is playing it but the raised lid is blocking my view. Whoever it is is amazing, and everyone watching is in a trace.

I walk up to the bar and sit on a stool, and work to gain the attention of the bartender. Finally noticing me, he walks over and I order my drink. Waiting for it to be served, I grab a binder that is set on the bar and start to leaf through what appears to be a listing of everything you can do aboard and at ports of call. While contemplating whether I have the balls to try snorkeling, whoever is playing the piano finishes the song and starts another. This time, however I hear the most amazing voice I have ever heard. Snapping my head to the stage, I quickly grow frustrated with my inability to see who is creating this music.

"Ma'am..." I hear somewhere, seemingly far away. "Ma'am" I hear it a little louder, accompanied by a gentle tap on my hand. Startled I look back at the bartender, blinking back my confusion. "Your drink," he holds up the glass, "It's ready." He smiles and slowly slides it to me.

"Th...Thank you." I smile and flush, embarrassed that I completely tuned everything around me out except the need to see who is singing. I reach for my drink and move away from the bar and walk toward the couches near the stage.

Spotting an empty armchair that should allow me a clear vantage point to the stage, I quicken my pace, nearly knocking into the back of one of the couches, before finally reaching the seat. Setting my drink and clutch down on the marble table, I turn around and sit down.

I was not prepared for what happened next. I was not prepared to see Tessa singing in front of me. I was not prepared to have the air leave my lungs, for the second time in an hour. And I was definitely not prepared for the jolt of electricity that coursed through me at the sight of her. I have no idea why I have such a visceral reaction to this woman, but I do, and it's undeniable.

Watching her sing I notice that the song she is singing is unlike any I have heard before. It is slow and hauntingly beautiful. I watch as her fingers adeptly manipulate the keys of the piano while keeping her eyes shut. It is clear she feels her music in an all-consuming way.

Finally the lyrics she is singing registers and I am in awe. The song is about a woman who has broken up with someone and is depressed at the loss of love, but decides to remember why she loved the person in the first place. She decides to allow the love to come back to her so she can learn from this experience and let go, realizing that everything happens for a reason and even though it hurts, it was hers. I felt every lyric, every inflection in her tone, and every pain this song brings to her heart.

When the song slowly comes to a close I feel a deep sense of loss. I have to know if she wrote this about her own experience. I have never loved someone so deeply that it took any effort or processing to get over it. I just moved on. Suddenly, this makes me realize that perhaps I'm missing out on something I should experience. Maybe I need to love someone beyond the surface and let them in. My walls are so firmly in place that it terrifies me to let anyone get a glimpse behind them. But for the first time in my life, I want that.

Feeling tears prick the corners of my eyes I quickly close them and take a few deep breaths in an attempt to quell the onslaught of emotion coursing through me. A few seconds after the last note rings, I slowly open my eyes to find Tessa's green eyes boring into me with an expression that is raw and unguarded. Unable to look away, I whisper "WOW". She smiles with one side of her mouth and looks down. There is thunderous applause as she looks out to the crowd. "Thank you, Thank you so much," she says with an expression of gratitude as she waves out.

After a few seconds she gets up from the piano and walks over to a microphone with a guitar resting next to it, centered on the stage. I watch as she takes a deep breath, grabs the guitar and speaks. "Hello," She smiles a warm and genuine smile, "My name is Tessa Porter. Thank you so much for joining me here tonight. I hope you are enjoying yourselves on the first night of our adventure." The crowd claps and whistles and Tessa smiles broadly. "Awesome! Tonight, I am going to be singing some of my own music. I am a singer/songwriter. I write songs about my own experiences. Not all of them are about me personally. Some are friends that I watched go through a period in their life, good or bad, and I had to put it to music. I experience the world in music, and I'm going to share my experiences with you. So thank you again, I hope you enjoy the evening. Oh! And don't forget, Tip your waiter!" The crowd laughs as Tessa takes a step away from the microphone and quickly tunes her guitar. After a few seconds she starts to play, and I'm lost.

For the next 3 hours I listen to her music. I listen to songs about love. There are songs about never feeling as though she will experience love, or being so in love that she can't express it. There are songs about nothing, just 2 friends driving around and having fun. It is clear she pours her heart and soul into her music and I have to wonder if that is hard for her. For me, it's easy to keep what I feel bottled up. I've spent my whole life hiding behind my touch facade. Nothing touches me, nothing bothers me, and if it does, I lock it down and plaster a smile on my face, or pick a fight. She is different. She takes her feelings and pours them in her music and that is incredibly brave.

As her last song wraps up I just sit there processing the evening. I have felt more in the past 3 hours than I have in the last 15 years. I make no move to get up or leave. When the waiter comes over and asks if I would like another drink, I snap out of my pondering and politely decline. I need some air and to move, to walk around and clear my head. I grab my clutch and walk out of the bar. Conveniently, I find a walking track that circles the exterior of the ship. I slip out of my shoes, holding them in my hand and start walking.

Could it be that I'm attracted to her? I mean, sure, she is beautiful and talented but I don't know her. But don't I now? After listening to her sing I feel like I know her and better than most people in my life. That is an illusion though. She is not going to write songs about every part of herself, so I, in fact, do not know her. But I want to, and that scares me. I have to be honest with myself and admit that I am attracted to her. HER, a woman. That has never even been on my radar. I am 26 years old. Wouldn't I have had some clue? Wouldn't I have found other woman attractive? Maybe it is just her?

Just as I finish my walk and end up where I started, I look up and find Tessa at the railing where we spoke earlier before her show. She can not see me, as she has her back to me. Slowly, I make my way over to her and quietly admire her silhouette. Her black hair is blowing in the breeze. She is stunning.

"Hi Mariah," Tessa whispers.

How did she know it was me? She isn't even facing me? "How did you..." She turns to face me and she smirks.

"I didn't. But I hoped, and here you are." Lightning courses through me at her confession and I take a step closer to her.

"Oh," I know my face must be flushed right now, and I hope that it is dark enough that she doesn't notice. "Your music is amazing", I blurt without realizing I was going to say that.

"Thank you, I'm glad you enjoyed the show." She says smiling.

I'm sure she has heard that a million times, so to make my point, I take a step forward and say, "No really, Tessa, your music evoked such an emotional response in me I had to wipe my eyes several times throughout the show to prevent me from looking like a blubbering idiot." Ok, maybe that was too much. I can't help it though, she laid herself bare on that stage, so I feel the least I can do is to help her understand how incredible her music really is.

"You could never look like an idiot," Tessa shyly remarks, and my heart flutters at her kind words. "I am so happy you felt it so deeply. Most people just hear my music for the pretty sound and melody. They don't get that I am opening myself up. Like, every time I sing I have to decompress after and get my head right, because it brings those experiences back. For me, it's like therapy. Most people don't get that, ya know?"

"I do," I take a step forward in an attempt to comfort her. "Can I ask you a question? If it's none of my business, just tell me. It's fine.

"Of course, ask away."

"The first song you sang, about needing to remember the good before letting go," I look up at her. I cannot read her expression, but I press on. "Was that an experience you had? Or a friend?"

For a long time I didn't think she was ever going to answer. She walks back over to the railing and looks deep in thought. Just when I get ready to apologize and tell her she does not have to answer, she says, "I did, but it was a long time ago."

I walk up behind her and place my hands on the railing beside her. We stand there for a few minutes in complete silence, just enjoying the feel of the breeze. Closing my eyes I enjoy having her next to me. This is something completely new to me but for once I am going to just enjoy this feeling. I'm going to allow the feeling of her shoulders brushing mine and feel the heat coming off her. I'm going to enjoy the heat spread through me and not analyze it. In this moment I don't care about what this means about who I am. Having Tessa beside me is all I need to know.

All too soon I feel her stir beside me and I open my eyes to find her looking at me with an expression I cannot describe. "Who are you?" she whispers.

"I..." For a moment I don't understand, but then she continues.

"Why do I feel like I know you, Mariah? Like I've always known you. I have never met you, but I swear that cannot be true."

She is looking at me with such intensity, and saying the things I was thinking about her earlier. I don't know how to respond, so I reply honestly. "I know. I feel it too".

Slowly she reaches her hand to my face, and brushes a stray piece of hair behind my ear. Did she just look down to my lips? Goosebumps rush over my skin and I realize I'm leaning my head against her hand. Slowly she leans forward and there is no mistaking her staring at my lips. Oh my god, she is going to kiss me. I want her to kiss me.

What the hell am I doing? I am flooded by the need to get out of here. This is too much. Taking a deep breath I quickly back up. "Uh, I'm sorry. It's been a long day. I, uh, I have to go." I don't stop as I quickly turn around and walk away. I hear her call me; I hear her apologizing and asking me not to leave. But I can't stop. This is all just too much.