Chapter 4: Next Steps

"I did what?" The tread of my sneakers sealed to the floor. I tried to open my mouth to ask the next logical question, because I couldn't come up with a single skill that would serve to kill an N7 marine. As far as I could tell, I could barely handle hunting and killing when I went camping with my brother.

"Hey." Richard put a hand on each shoulder. "I know you, even better than you know yourself. That wasn't the Alex we all know, even Shepard's said it herself. It's fine." He ruffled my hair and grabbed my wrist.

"Because killing the so called 'savior of our kind' is something you just drop on a girl."

"There are worse things."

"Don't mention them." I continued in a daze while Richard came to a stop in front of the elevator.

"Remember, you eventually became a part of this crew. There was more to you than killing."

"Like?"

"You rescued a varren cub on one mission and snuck it onboard without Shepard knowing. It lasted about two days. It managed to crawl inside of the air ducts when you left it alone to go out on a mission. Somehow it ended up in Liara's room, and well. . . Let's just say you two didn't speak for a while."

I snickered at that. "I never liked cats."

"Neither did Liara." The elevator door opened and Richard pulled me inside with him. "You also had a tendency to sing these awful classic songs when you were on mission. Garrus took shot at you for it on more than one occasion."

"I thought you said these were good things?"

"You brought balance to things. All the seriousness and infighting always fell to the side when you came around."

I leaned against the cool plating of the elevator and cocked my head to the side. "So how did we end up dating?"

"Married." Richard corrected me as the doors closed. "It was before our final mission on the third cycle. We made the decision to take a leap."

"Sounds like all I did was make you a young widow." I shrugged. "Guess you are calling this whole thing a do over."

"Don't say it like that." He turned to look away from me and made a fist with his hand. "Things went wrong really quickly. I didn't have a chance to-"

"Hey, I'm not exactly upset I died. I didn't even know I lived, right?" I shrugged and changed the subject. "So… What did I do to come onboard as part of this crew?"

"Betrayed Cerberus. We don't know much more than you do when to on how you ended up there. You told us you just seemed to pop into existence on a table in a lot of pain. We do know you were well trained, genetically enhanced, and one hell of a biotic who apprenticed with Kai Leng."

"I have zero biotic abilities." I opened and closed my hands a few times. "You have to be exposed to Eezo, and it doesn't exist where I'm from. Want to explain that one to me?"

"I can't." He paused.

"Let's just add that to the top of the pile." I changed weight from foot to foot. "Are you sure bringing me here was a good idea? It sounds like it would have been better to just leave me be on Earth out of the way."

"Being that we don't know how you ended up with Cerberus in the first place, and last time you kind of ruined the grand finale, we made the decision to bring you on board early."

"And if I kill Shepard all over again?"

"I can't answer that either. I'm honestly just a grunt following orders."

"What about the fact you time traveled to 2016?"

"Call it space magic."

"Does that mean you don't get it?"

"Liara explained it to me. Once. It took the better half of a day and I still didn't get all the ends and outs of it. I know we had to travel to this old relay, then there was some fighting, then there was a lot of light, then we went through it." He shrugged his shoulders.

"This keeps getting better. Let's count all the positive attributes I've acquired since I've met you, shall we? Killer. Murderer. Potential mate for Wrex. Romantic prospect for the crew. Oh, I didn't happen to be drug runner or something else equally nuts, did I?" The elevator bounced as it came to a stop, and I peeled my skin from the cool metal plating. "And let's not forget you don't know anything about the situation you're going to try to stick me in with Cerberus. I might be signing my own death certificate to boot."

"Don't dwell on it. Things happened, lots of crazy things. I have you here, and you will make all of this right. I know it."

"Maybe you can just take me back to my bed. I'll go to sleep, and we forget this whole thing happened? Maybe the coma gods will send me dreams of a hot surfer guy who wants to rub oil all over me on a remote beach." I back peddled a few steps when Richard grabbed my hand to stop me.

"I'll ignore the notion of another man touching you." He raised one eyebrow. "You might not have the memories of us, but I do. So tread lightly." Richard yanked me forward, interlocking his fingers with mine. "We need to make a few stops before we make a formal introduction, so you have a bit of time before you really need to stress out. Chakwas will want to run a few scans and ensure you're in good shape, and your head needs treatment too. I'll go ahead and requisition some kind of uniform for you so you aren't running around half naked. Not that I mind, but. . ."

"I mind." I felt his hand squeeze mine as we stepped out of the elevator.

"Remember it's not only Shepard you have a history with on this ship. We all know you in some capacity. Granted, some of us liked you more than others did, and some of your relationships were . . . unique."

"That explains Wrex." I scrunched up my face as I plodded along a few steps behind him. "So, we weren't always together?"

"No, I'm reminded of that more often than I like."

"Oh? Don't tell me I slept around? I mean, I romanced almost all the guy options in game, but here—"

"You didn't sleep around." Richard cut me off and shook his head no. "It wasn't like that. Did you date others? Yes. Have we always been together? No. It's not the point. I want you to choose me on your own. Not Garrus, or Thane, or Liara. Me. It's important you come to me because you want to."

"And if I don't happen to choose you?"

"Oh, you will." He grinned and cocked his head to the side as we walked. "I don't doubt that for a minute."

"I think I liked the optimistic kid in the game more than the smug asshole in front of me." I grinned against my better judgment. I didn't need him to believe he stood a chance. "Besides, Garrus had his moments. Have you ever seen him dance?"

I continued to take in the ship as we walked. The grating, the metal panels, the banter from the people in the mess, all tangible for the first time. Even the smell of the air made me want to squeal like a true fan girl. I remained lost in my thoughts until Jenkins walked through the medical bay doors.

Doctors and I had a tainted run together. It probably came from the fact that after a year of radiation therapy for cancer I still received a biopsy on a regular basis. Not to mention that "In remission" wasn't the hottest pick up line for a guy.

My brother took me to my appointments since I never seemed to make it there on my own accord. At my worst, the smell of the office induced sessions of nausea that needed days to overcome.

"Ellison." Chakwas stood from her chair and approached me with a smile. "Good to see you in the flesh once more."

"Have you seen me out of the flesh?"

"Ah, I see the cycle's effects of forgetfulness are in full force." She put a hand on each of my shoulders. "Still, it's good to see your face again."

"It's good to see you?" I looked to Richard as if I needed some affirmation this greeting from her was normal. He nodded his head and tried to hide his amusement.

"I suppose you'd like treatment from your little run in with Wrex." She reached out to my face. "He's done worse to lesser creatures."

"Being that I'm still alive and kicking, I would have to agree." I walked over to the chair Chakwas motioned to and took a seat. The chair felt oodles better than being placed on a table so I attempted to relax.

"And Jenkins, ever the knight in shining armor, how is it to have Alex by your side once more?"

"We aren't together." I quipped.

"Ah."

"I'm letting her make her own decisions, Doc."

"You and I both know what happened the first time you two decided to go down this path." Chakwas leaned in. "I believe he became a better man for it."

"And that's my queue to leave. I'm going to see about a possible uniform for Alex. I'll be back when you two are finished."

"Yes, leave us girls to have a chat, right Alex?"

"Sure." Chakwas turned the chair to face her as Richard left my peripheral vision. The one person who seemed quasi-normal left me alone with a Doctor who would do who knew what to me.

"Let's get started." Chakwas tilted my head back and held up a glowing orange device to the side of my face. I felt tempted to reach out and touch it, but worried it would shine into my eyes and fry my brain. "With no memories of the past you've found yourself at quite a disadvantage."

"That's starting to sink in. Have you been here the whole time, or uh… the cycles?"

"I've been here since the beginning."

"And how many times have I been with you?"

"You came aboard and changed our world on the third cycle."

"Not sure if you make that sound like a good thing or a bad thing."

"Hmm. You weren't the most trusted and well liked individual when you first graced us with your presence. Who could blame the crew? After some time it became undeniable you belonged here with us."

"But I didn't stay with you?"

"No. We lost you in the battle for Earth. When the cycle started again, Jenkins reached out for you on his own volition. The consequences of that were present on the Citadel. You do have quite the stubborn streak." Chakwas pulled back her device and tapped the screen a few times. "Your scans already indicate high levels of stress."

"Can't say I would disagree with that." I eyed her, waiting for the mention of my medical prognosis. The feeling never became any easier to deal with and wait on. Years of doctor's appointments taught me that. "So?"

"You have a minor concussion, but nothing that I can't remedy for you."

"That's it?"

"For the time being, that's all we need to address."

I hated that answer. It didn't tell me if I was going to die of the same horrible disease that had eaten at my soul and body. Chakwas stood and walked over to grab something from one of the cabinets.

"You really didn't see anything else?"

"Keep in mind that if we do anything to alter the person you are, we may have a more difficult time introducing you to Cerberus. The fabric of these cycles can be quite easy to change, and there are precautions we all need to take."

"That. . . makes sense." I rubbed my hands over my arms when Jenkins walked back through the door.

"Found you a jumpsuit. Looks like it belonged to Williams, so you shouldn't have any issues fitting in to it." He tossed it over to me.

"This is a uniform?" I held it up. "You people don't leave much to the imagination, do you?"

"Hey, that works both ways." Richard motioned to himself. "Not that I don't have the muscles to pull this off." He struck a pose and flexed.

Chakwas laughed to herself and walked back over shaking her head. "You can change just back there. Once you're ready Jenkins will take you to meet the Commander."

I tugged at the collar of the jumpsuit. It looked like the newest version of Ashley's attire, and smelled like lavender. I figured Richard must have asked her for it out of her own assortment of clothing rather than actually requisition anything special for me. So much for him earning any brownie points.

"That material doesn't have the give you are looking for." Richard snorted as he leaned his shoulder against the elevator panel. "Pull all you want, it's going to be exactly the same."

"How you can all walk around looking so exposed is beyond me." I pulled at the fabric on the sleeve. "It's like this is painted on."

"Excess material can cause issues."

"This thing is already an issue in itself." I dropped my hands and tucked the loose strands of hair behind my ears. "So honestly, how bad is this going to be?"

"Don't talk back to her and you'll be fine."

"Meaning?"

"You have a tendency to get a little mouthy with her. Like I mentioned, we all know who you are, even if you don't know us personally."

"So don't smart off. Got it." I nodded my head once. "Who is she shipped with anyway?"

"Who is she dating?"

"Right."

"That's complicated." Richard looked away from me and focused on the door. "She doesn't really refer to it as dating."

"Whatever she calls it herself doesn't matter. Who is she with?" I put my hands on my hips and waited for an answer when the door started to open.

"Alex." Her green eyes looked down at me and I knew instantly I stared at the woman herself. "Meeting you without a weapon in your hand, can't say that's happened before."

"Nice to, um, meet you?" It came out as a question since I didn't know just how to respond to the woman. "Jane?"

"You can call me Commander Shepard, or Shepard." She gestured for me to step off the elevator. "Let's not get too friendly too fast."

"Okay." I stepped out, looking back at Richard to see if he would follow.

"Jenkins, I can take this from here. You head down to inspect the progress Wrex has made."

"Understood." Jenkins shrugged and smiled at me one last time before the elevator door closed.

What the hell did I just get in to?