Disclaimer: I do not own Harry Potter, I am not JKR. A/N: Warning: the reading of Mary Sue fiction may cause one to spontaneously combust, as I nearly did writing it. Good thing this is only a joke.
In roughly a week, Katsa had become more popular at Hogwarts than any other transfer student, having all mysteriously disappeared, had ever been. Though Harry, Ron and Hermione enjoyed her company and quirky jokes, her best friends became Neville and Luna. Katsa spent her days playing pranks on anyone she found horrible and disgusting, i.e. spiking Snape's juice with something very convenient she'd invented herself called "slash", getting Crabbe and Goyle stuck in the Vanishing Cabinet,disappearing people's clothing, ect. She'd also managed to put Hufflepuff in the lead in terms of house points, but something still troubled her.
"I need a job," she said, while eating a scone at breakfast.
"Why?" Luna asked. Katsa felt a lump in her throat. How could she explain her burden to her friend?
"I'm being sued," she explained.
"That's awful!" Luna exclaimed. "I could get you a job at The Quibbler if you like."
Katsa cringed. "Not that you're not the voice of reason in every conversation, Luna," she began, "But newspaper's not my thing. I couldn't write to save my life!"
Just then, an attractive, redheaded girl with cute freckles walked up to them with a letter. "I'm looking for a Miss Lovegood and a Miss DaVinci. Invitations to a banquet this afternoon for the year's top students," she expalained.
"Oh, thanks, Ginny," Luna said, preparing to give Katsa her envelope, but Katsa was already heading down the corridor. "Katsa! Kat, what are you doing?" Luna called.
"Come on," Katsa beckoned in a hushed voice as soon as Luna had caught up. "I'm going into Hogsmeade, whatever that is, to try and get a job." The two of them began to climb up a winding staircase.
"Wow! Do you know any secret passageways?"
"Yeah, one," Katsa muttered. Steeling her will, she jumped out the nearest window and landed softly on the ground, and Luna, with a shrug, followed.
Upon their arrival at Hogsmeade, KAtsa found herself amazed by the various colorful shops and the several boarded windows, but forced herself to stay on track: she was looking for quick cash. "We could work in a candy store," Luna suggested, "Or be vampire hunters!"
"Vampire hunters! That sounds cool," Katsa piped up, "But it has to be something we can periodically sneak out of school to do without anyone missing us."
"We're missing the smart people banquet," Luna commented, but Katsa was too busy staring at a blinking sign that had answered her prayers:
Playboy: Wizard's Edition
"Oh my gosh, this is perfect!" Katsa squealed, but Luna was having secont thoughts as she was being pulled into the small building for the photo shoot. A strange man with too many tattoos looked over her and her friend, bearing down on each of her flaws, every miniscule tangle of her lucious, caramel hair, and finally said,
"We can use the scene kid, but not you."
Katsa approached him sweetly. "Sir, me and my friend Luna always work together, and I'd really appreciate it if you'd at least let her stay and get a picture taken." He shook his head.
"Kid, you're cover material!" he said, stroking her olive cheek, "But your friend--no. Just forget it." Katsa touched his hand in delicate movement, feeling her way up his arm and into a strangling hold around his throat with a glimmering smile. "Okay, we'll use her too," he choked out as she let go of his neck. "Alright, um...both of you, loosen your ties a bit, undo the first few buttons of your shirts..."
Katsa unbuttoned to reveal a bra that resembled the Canadian flag, but Luna was reluctant to besmirch the good name of Hogwarts by appearing in a dirty photo shoot wearing the school tie. To the photographer's great surprise and pleasure, she removed her entire uniform, making Katsa feel inclined to remove her skirt and reveal matching panties. Picture after picture was taken, some of them showing the two girls' true bond of friendship, others looking as if they were about to catfight, even some looking like the visual equivalent of adult fan fiction, complete with the biting and the licking and all that jazz.
"Thank you ladies," the photographer said, handing each of them a check.
"One hundred Galleons," Katsa read excitedly. "How much is that in regular money?"
"Hey, I only got fifty!" Luna complained, straighening her uniform as the two of them walked back up to the school.
Neville, Katsa, and Luna were sitting in the Great Hall recounting the events of the day, when, out of the corner of her eye, Katsa caught Harry Potter reading something very familiar--too familiar--it had her picture on it! Leaning over, she saw the photo of herself and Luna, wind blowing in their hair, both of them looking lustful and ready to snog. And worse--the picture moved. What an awkward, somewhat sensual horror it was to watch her own silver eyes blink alluringly at her from the page, the soft yellow and blinding pink streaks in her choppily layered, chocolate hair blowing in a fan's breeze on paper.
"Potter, that's a prohibited publication. Thirty points from Gryffindor," Professor Snape said, taking up his magazine. "And Magnolia, another ten points from Gryffindor for being on the cover!"
"But I'm in Hufflepuff!" Katsa protested in attempt to defend her friends, but Snape didn't look like he cared. She was just about to return to her conversation with Neville and Luna about sticking Pansy to a bottle of mustard with a Permanent Sticking Charm, but was unnerved by the sight of Draco, Harry, and Ron staring at her and elbowing each other. In their whispers, Ron had presumably said something offensive, and soon, the three of them were fistfighting. They began to shoot curses at each other, each of them on the floor wrestling, while a small crowd, led by Katsa, gathered around, chanting, "Fight! Fight! Fight!"
"What the heck are you guys fighting over?" she asked between her hoots and giggles at the ridiculous spectacle.
Draco looked up, his steely grey eyes filled with shock and admiration as they locked onto her snowy silver ones. His voice was shaky and hollow as he sputtered, "You."
A/N: The most important thing in writing a Suefic is for every major male character to want her. I think I may start turning my author's notes into informational guides. Review! Come on, you know you want to flame.