Chapter 3:
Tobias' POV:
Tris and I walk silently out of Erudite, neither of us knowing what to say.
I feel my brain working on overdrive, struggling to assess everything that has happened. The only thing I'm completely aware of is Tris' small hand in mine, filling me to the brim with want that I've–unfortunately–become familiar with.
When Tris comes to a stop by the train tracks, I nearly knock into her, only realizing at the last second.
As we're standing at the tracks, the Sun is just peaking past the horizon, signifying early morning.
Tris sits in the grass, staring – but not really seeing – into the distance.
I start to pace.
What now? What do we do?
The factions are about as useful as dirt, right now – we only need them to hold together, but what happens after that?
Edith apparently has some ideas.
I look up from attempting to burn holes in the ground with my anger – it didn't work – and see that Tris has been watching me; her eyes are weary, yet alert, ready to wring someone's neck if they get too close for comfort.
Her eyes – oceans of grief and anguish.
I take a moment to steel myself – engrossing in the little calm swimming in her eyes, trying to find purchase on the recent entropy that has plagued us –, dwelling in it, letting it ignite the spark that had burned out from years of no hope; of lies; of betrayal.
She is my safe haven; she is the one I live for, my spring at the end of an ominous winter.
She is mine, and I love her.
I hear the deep rumbling of the train coming our way, and lend Tris my hand. I pull her up, and we start to run with the train. She jumps in first, gracefully, and moves aside as I jump in.
I slide to the floor, my back against the wall, legs spread for her to sit between them. She does, and rests her head against my chest. She plants a small kiss on the hollow of my chest, closing her eyes.
Just like during initiation, I feel that ache – that need. All I want is for her to be safe, to be with me. But I can't always get what I want – that's guaranteed. It's all part of their sick little game to either have the faction system work out, or do whatever else with us when – not if – it doesn't.
The Pit – with its muted lighting and vacant hallways – has an eerie effect to it, but it eases me all the same.
This is the closest thing I've ever had to a home – more so, now that I have Tris.
I lead us to my apartment, although it might as well be ours, now. I smile a little at the thought.
I don't recall locking the door when I left – though, I don't remember anything but my concern for Tris – so I try the knob, and it opens.
Tris shuffles inside – apparently finding the idea of staying here alluring – and I go in after her, making sure to lock the door.
When I turn around, she's lying on the bed, eyes closed, breathing heavily, as if just coming back from a long run.
Seeing her like this – so calm yet so broken, so fragile as if one wrong move could cause her to shatter into a million pieces – makes me clench when I realize I could do only so much to make her happy. Yet, so easily, I could inflame her temper, and cause her to feel as if she wants to rip me to shreds.
And I'm sitting here, wanting nothing more than to make her smile…
I feel a part of me break as she opens her eyes, sending me an inquiring glance. I don't acknowledge it; in fact, I do the exact opposite, turning away from her to look at the floor, the ceiling, the bathroom door, anything but her.
I hear the bed creak! and finally look at her, watching her pad toward me. She lays a cool hand on my wrists, looking at me expectantly, her eyes demanding attention.
"What's wrong?" she implores, tenderly, as if approaching a wounded animal. I wince.
Is that how she sees me right now?
Crack! goes the heart as I feel another piece of me break.
I turn away from her, not wanting to look into those eyes – the ones that have caused me so much agony, but so much liberation. The ones that make me Tobias – the way I want – not Four, the emotion-lacking Dauntless prodigy I'm supposed to be.
She puts a hand on my cheek, turning my face to hers. I close my eyes – still not wanting to look into hers – letting our breaths mix, mine heavy from being so close, hers – I'm hoping – for the same reason.
I eventually concede, and open my eyes. I look into Tris', and am surprised by their intensity; they bore into me as if hoping for me to catch fire with her stare.
"Tell me you love me," I plea.
She's only said it once or twice, and I just need to hear it again.
"I love you," Tris says, lightly pressing her lips to mine.
Crack!
"I love you, too," I murmur against her lips, my voice thick with emotion.
The feel of her lips on mine, makes my knees go weak, and sends shivers down my spine. Even now, every kiss is like the first, and causes me to forget everything but her, and the effect she has on me.
Only she can do this to me.
"Don't leave me," I breathe, looking her in the eye.
Her features change, and her expression is unidentifiable.
She runs a hand through my hair, coming to a stop at the back of my neck.
"Never," she replies, placing a small kiss on my lips, and cheek, and jaw, lighting a trail of fire all the way down.
She walks back onto the bed, closing her eyes. I watch her small figure, relishing in the curves of her hips, to the way her shirt fits snug around her torso, to the way her pretty pink lips, to her small hands cupped around the pillow.
Crack!
I realize I have been staring a while, so I stretch out next to her, resting my arm around her waist, burying my face in her hair.
It is then, when I become aware of how tired I am. My eyes grow heavy, and I fade off into a dreamless sleep, with the warm feeling of Tris in my arms, not bothering with the pajamas or blankets.