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Searching For O

Chapter 4

"Last night, after work, Edward, invited me over to his apartment for a drink and offered to tutor me in orgasms," I said out of the blue.

"He what?" Rose shouted. A customer sitting in the far corner of the cafe jumped, and then looked over at us, startled. The morning rush had finished, and we were in the lull before lunch. I smiled at the customer hoping we hadn't interrupted his peace too much.

"He said that it would be a waste for me not to have a least one satisfactory sexual experience, and he thinks he could be the one to…you know…give me it."

"Oh, that's nice. Although that is a very strange profession. I mean, really, is there money in that?" Alice asked.

"I don't think that is his actual profession. I think he was just offering his…talents," I replied.

"Ohh." She thought about it for a second. "No, I still don't get it," she said before she got up and walked out the back.

"He is a little self assured, don't you think?" Rose said.

"Maybe, but what have I got to lose?"

"You're going to go for it, then?" she said with a sharp edge to her voice.

"I don't know. On one hand, I really want to, but on the other hand, I'm really scared."

The front door opened, distracting us from our conversation, and Madame Kovarian, one of our regulars, walked in.

"Darlings, darlings," she called as she waved her hands around, announcing her presence to anyone who was near.

Madam Kovarian was originally from England and used to be a dancer on Broadway. She had gotten a little too old for the dancing, but the glamor and drama of the stage had never left her. That morning she was wearing a fine, red silken smock with a matching turban. She rolled her R's, still carried her cigarettes in an antique case, and told us countless stories about her exotic life as an actress in the 1950's and how she had once dated a Moroccan prince. She was eccentric, to put it mildly, but we liked her that way.

"Rosalie, Bella, you ladies look beautiful as always," she said as she made it to us. She kissed us each dramatically on both cheeks.

"Would you like your usual, Madame Kovarian?" Rose asked.

"Yes, dear. A chai tea would be most lovely," she said as she perched on a stool.

"Now, tell me. How have you been? Any handsome men on the horizon for you girls?"

"Bella and James broke up. Turns out he batted for the other team," Rose said.

We kept no secrets from Madame Kovarian. She had a sly way of getting all the information out of us anyway, whether we liked it or not. So, in the end, we just gave up and started letting her in on our secrets.

"I wouldn't worry about it, my dear. Back in my day, and especially in the theater industry, most men were either gay or played for both teams. They'd have lunch with Rebecca and dinner with Roger, if you see what I mean. I once dated this writer, and one day, he invited another man into the bedroom with us. At first, I was horrified, but then I was rather intrigued by the idea, so I said yes. My partner- now, what was his name? Ah, yes, Bertie… Bertie and I were partaking in our usual relations whilst this other man watched. Then, out of the blue, he stood up, bent Bertie over me, and thrust his hard rod straight into Bertie's…"

"Madame Kovarian!" Alice screeched in welcome as she walked back into the main part of the cafe. I let out a massive sigh of relief. Sometimes Madame Kovarian lacked a verbal filter. I was so glad that I didn't have to hear the end of that story.

Alice ran around the counter and embraced Madame Kovarian. "There she is, my tiny dancer," she crooned.

Out of all of us, Alice was Madame Kovarian's favorite. There was something about Alice's bubbly, bizarre and often simple personality that she just found endearing. Sure, she kept an eye on all of us and made sure we were okay, but with Alice, it was a little more. She had found a kindred spirit- a younger version of herself. They wondered off to a table so they could sit together and talk.

"Well, I'm glad that I didn't hear the end of that story," Rose muttered, making me giggle. We worked side by side, cleaning and preparing for the lunch rush. "So, what are you going to do about this Edward situation?" she asked.

I was still uncertain. Part of me wanted to jump at the chance or jump him. The other part wanted to hide under a rock and play it safe.

"What do you think I should do?"

"Honestly?" she asked carefully.

"Honestly."

"I think it's a bad idea. You have liked him for a long time now, and I'm scared that you are going to get too tangled up with him and end up getting hurt. Don't forget- for him, it will be an arrangement; it won't be a relationship. He won't be your boyfriend who you can tell all your problems to and who will rub your feet after a bad day. Can you really keep it to that, or will you fall too deep?"

The honest truth was that I didn't know.

"I just don't want you to get your heart broken. I know that you are frustrated with the lack of satisfaction in your previous relationships, and I know that it seems like every guy out there is a freak. But that is not true. There are guys out there- sweet, normal guys who are great in bed and who want a genuine relationship, not just an arrangement. Why don't you go for one of them?"

A customer walked in then, and Rose went to serve them, leaving me to think about what she had said. It all made perfect sense, but the problem was I seemed to have an issue finding those sweet, normal, great in bed guys that also wanted a relationship.

There was also the way I felt about Edward. For the first time in my life, I felt genuine lust. I wanted him. And he was offering himself to me. Why shouldn't I take him up on his offer? Yet at the same time, I was scared. Scared that it wouldn't work, scared that I would get in too deep, and certain that somewhere down the line I was going to make a fool of myself.

"Right, I think I am going to go on my lunch break now before it gets busy. Will you and Alice be okay?" Rose asked as Madame Kovarian and Alice rose from their seats.

"Yeah, we will be fine."

Madame Kovarian left in a flurry of hugs, air kisses, and "Darlings". Rose left with her, leaving me with Alice. We served customers as they came in and chatted lightly.

"I noticed Rose talking to you earlier; she had that look in her eye, that mean look. Was she talking about Edward offering you his help?"

"Yes, she thinks it is a bad idea. She thinks I will get too involved."

"Maybe you will. Maybe he will. Who knows? Getting your heart broken is scary stuff, but it is survivable. If you say no, then you will keep your heart safe, locked away in a little box and protected against the world, like it has been. The only problem with that is that you will spend the rest of your life wondering what would have happened if you'd said yes. If you say yes, you may get your heart broken, or you may break his, or maybe, just maybe, you'll fall in love. Even if you don't fall in love, you may well get a good orgasm. That's the thing, you don't know what might happen until you try."

For someone so ditzy, sometimes Alice could be really wise. But I thought she was looking into it a little too deeply. I wasn't even thinking about love at the moment, only sex. At the same time, however, it was another point of view to consider.

Hours later, I paced between Edward's front door and mine. I didn't know what to do. Should I just go home and forget about the whole thing? Or should I go to Edward and say yes to his crazy offer?

I walked to Edward's door. Say yes, before he changes his mind and retracts his offer, Reckless Bella thought. I raised my hand to knock but couldn't do it.

Why? Why would he offer to do this? It is crazy. You can't do this, Bella, thought Safe Bella, which sent me scuttling over to my side of the hallway, where I paused again.

Stop being such a wimp, Bella! I screamed at myself before I returned to Edward's side.

I was at war with myself. I just couldn't make up my mind. I didn't understand why I was finding the decision so hard. I had been lusting after Edward for years. He was who I wanted, the man I dreamed of. The answer should have been a resounding yes, but something was holding me back.

"You're going to wear a hole in the floor if you keep pacing like that," Edward said through his door.

I looked over at Edward's door and noticed the tiny glass peephole that allowed people on the inside to see what was happening on the outside. In Edward's case, that was me endlessly pacing around and muttering to myself. How attractive.

The door swung open, and Edward leaned against the jamb with his arms crossed across his chest. He gave me a sexy smile. He was wearing another one of those black t-shirts that made my saliva glands go into overdrive and a faded pair of baggy jeans.

I could do nothing but stare at him and pray to God I wasn't drooling.

"I'm making dinner. Did you want to join me?"

I looked back to my door, then back at him. I had worked myself into an indecisive frenzy.

"I don't know," I said sheepishly. I was about two seconds from bolting back into my apartment. I wasn't sure I could handle the tension.

I knew then that the whole thing was never going to work. There was no way I was ever going to be comfortable with an arrangement like the one Edward was proposing. The anticipation would be too much for me, and I knew that if he tried to touch me, I would be as stiff as a board. Not because I didn't want him to touch me, but because I would be too scared of what might happen if he did.

But the second I came to that realization, that other nagging voice came back, telling me that all my life I had played it safe. I had never been reckless, never just let go and let life swallow me. I had always been good, and maybe I shouldn't be anymore. Maybe Edward was the push I needed to let go of the boring me and become a more relaxed, self-assured, and fun me.

"I think that's probably a bad idea. I should just go," I forced myself to say. The good girl was not going down without a fight.

Edward frowned and looked momentarily confused before a look of understanding swept over his face. He seemed to realize that he had made me nervous.

"It would just be for dinner. I promise no funny business… Please, just come and eat with me, and we can talk. You look uncomfortable, and I'm really sorry if that is how I have made you feel. I meant what I said yesterday. I want to get to know you better, even if you turn down my offer."

I knew I shouldn't have gone in there, but I also knew I couldn't stop myself. I nodded lightly and walked through the door, entering the lion's den.

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Hi guys. I am so sorry for the long delay in the update. Christmas was a busy time for me and my Pre-reader and Beta to so it took a little while to get this chapter posted. Good news is that the next chapter is already with the Pre-reader so hopefully I will update again soon.

A big thanks to my lovely Pre-reader and Beta you ladies know who you are!

I hope you liked the chapter. What did you think of Madam Kovarian? (If you recognize the name it is because it comes from Dr Who which coincidentally I do not own so please don't sue me for using the name.)

Who do you think is right Rose or Alice? Please let me know. Reviews make me happy : )

I am sorry that I didn't have the chance to reply to the reviews for the last chapter. As I said Christmas was hectic and is a long affair in my family. Everytime I even looked at my laptop I was screamed at LOL. I will do better this time I swear.

I hope you all had an amazing Christmas/Holiday and I wish you all a wonderful New Year.

x