Hey. So you guys must think that I've fallen off the face of the planet. I was going to upload this a lot more this past summer, but my laptop crashed and it took forever to get it fixed. I'm really sorry about that. Anyways, like I promised, the chapters are getting longer now. Read it and let me know what you think. Love it? Hate it? Tell me. I'm a needy person who needs reviews haha XD

Enjoy!

I shoved the cigarette close to my lips, taking a drag off of it. I try not to choke. I don't know how people do this stuff. It's nasty. "Then why am I doing it?" I ask myself quietly. And it's something even I don't know the answer to. I don't know why I'm upset. I don't know why I do anything anymore. I'm stupid. I'm ugly. I'm fat. I'm a bitch. I'm stupid. I'm ugly. I'm fat. I'm a bitch. I can see why everybody hates me, I hate me. If I can't even like myself how can others? Sometimes I wish it would just all end. I don't want to die, but I don't want to live. I glance down at my bikini. I gasp. "How long have I looked like this? I know I didn't look good, but I didn't think I looked this bad." Running inside, she dropped the cigarette on the ground, stomping it out, and slamming the door.

She heads to the bathroom. She's never done this before but it can't be that hard. She opens the bathroom door and heads to the toilet. She kneels, sticks her finger down her throat, waiting until the small lunch she had earlier reshows itself. Satisfied, she gets up, brushes her teeth, washes her hands, and leaves.

She sits down on the bed with her head in her hands and starts to cry. There was a time when she was happy. Back before the death threats and the hate comments. Back before her and Nick broke up. Back before it all started. But that was a long time ago.

"It's time to make some changes," she says to herself. "If I can't be the best singer, dancer, actor, whatever. I know what I can be. The skinniest," she smirks. This will give me a way to change my body.

I flop down on the couch. Normally, I would call Demi, or Joe, or maybe even Nick. But I haven't talked to them in a long time. So I call Liam.

Yes, we're kind of together. He knows I don't love him but he's okay with that. And he's nice most of the time, so I like him. "Hey Liam? Wanna come over?" I ask into the phone. "Say like 20 minutes? Alright cool," I hang up as I go upstairs to get out of my bikini. I can barely stand to look at myself in this, I can't imagine what he would say.

But the doorbell rings before I can change. He's here earlier. Crap. I open the door. "Hey," I say, giving him a peck on the cheek.

"Hi gorgeous," he says as he walks inside. He heads straight for the kitchen, grabbing some chips and a pop before sitting on the couch. Liam turns the TV on and we watch George Lopez.

About 20 minutes into the show and a bag of chips later, he turns to me. "I hope we don't have kids someday," he says.

"What? Why?" I ask, hurt.

"Because they'd be ugly and fat, like you," he says nonchalantly.

Ugly. Fat. Bitch. Stupid. The words burn into my mind. I try to blink the tears away, I can't let him see me like this. "Yeah, let's hope we won't," I say, trying to cover the pain.

I don't understand. How could someone say I'm gorgeous and pretty and then turn to me and tell me I'm ugly and fat? But it must be true, otherwise he wouldn't say it. We sit in silence for the rest of the show. He looks at his phone. "Hey babe I have to go. I'll text you later," he says, giving me a kiss on the cheek.

Finally, he's gone. I can break down now. Running upstairs to my room, I grab my secret journal.

I begin to write:

She smiles with all she has left

Yet her tears are left undried

Though she has so much to say

She bottles it up inside.

If you look past her broken eyes

To a shadow no one sees

A disguise so you won't recognize

That that girl is really me.