A/N; I'm baaack!!! I bet you didn't think I would be! Well, if you're prepared to take the risks of reading another of these things in such a short period of time, enter at your own risk! Hey! Someone else is doing a YW/HP ficcy! And a humor one, at that! Props to PrincessEilonwy! And also to the two other humor ficcies that updated at around the time of this by Jubills543 and Reading Redhead! I'm -sniff- so happy…
P.S- I've changed from my asterisks to my brackets and now to dashes… all I have to do is use the find option in the word processor and replace the asterisks. It's a lot easier… sorry if it's harder to read!
But first, a word to my reviewers:
RandoMaia- Evil movies? -cackles maniacally- I'm glad you brought that up…
PrincessEilonwy- thanks bunches! ..and as to why Ponch wasn't Scooby-Doo? Err… ok, I was lazy… I already wrote it with Spot and was too lazy to change when the idea came to me..
Alex- Thanks for being the first to review after the update! Heehee.. and ok, it only took me a few mins. To remember this penname. -grins-
Now, on to the craziness!!
Scooby Doo and Hermione's Writer's Block, Part Two!
Announcer: We're baaack and it's time to reveal the true identity of the culprits! Ooohhh, the suspense is killing me!
Announcer's Assistant: Bah... you wrote this! You know who it is!!! What's killing me is shock over the fact that you put out three chapters in a row...
Announcer: Shut it! Heh heh... Awww, let's just get on with it...
Kit: This person is none other than-- Lavender Brown! -he pulls off the sheet- And the voice is no other than -drumroll, please- Fred!
Fred: Yeah. I just felt so -sob- excluded.
Nita: I thought you were in Timeheart...
Fred: You ask too many questions.
Nita: -sigh- Forget I asked...
Kit: And the poetic individual who narrated the note is none other than Tualtha, our favorite Queen of Bairds, etc.
Announcer: The little cat (wearing a crown that looks like it came out of the kiddy section in Claire's) jumps out of nowhere and starts to bat at the pink faux feathers on her crown.
Tualtha: -regaining her composure- Hello, all. It's a pleasure for all of us to convene once again. It reminds me of that fateful summer when our brave--
Announcer: -sulks- I'm the only one allowed to talk like that. I can't have a cat looking like a better writer than me.
Announcer's Assistant: You don't write like that anyways...
Announcer: I'm keeping my options open.
Tualtha: Have no fear, for--
Hermione: Ok, hate to break up this happy little reunion, but WHERE ARE MY MAIN CHARACTERS????
Lavender: You write the Harry Potter books? But I thought that Dumbledore was totally against those...
Hermione: I've already told him! It's impossible for me to be expelled because of my test grades. That is, unless I kill somebody or something, WHICH I'M VERY CLOSE TO DOING IF SOMEONE DOESN'T TELL ME WHERE THE HELL MY MONEY-- Err...I mean where Harry and Ron are....
Lavender: So, like, would you set Ron and I up in the books if I told you where they are?
All HP fans reading: EH????????
Hermione: -sweatdrops- I'd set you up in real life, too. I just CAN'T STAND THIS HATE MAIL ANYMORE!!!!! -is buried in a pile of mean letters. Several mail bombs and Howlers explode, making Hermione's hair even frizzier-
Hermione: HEY!!
Lavender: Harry, Ron, you can come out now!
Announcer: Harry and Ron appear from under the invisibility cloak.
Harry: Hermione! You really DO care!
Hermione: Oo;
Ron: -he blushes, and his voice feebly raises an octave- So, you, umm, like me, Lavender?
Lavender: Umm, yeah...
Ron: Cool... do you, umm, wanna go grab a burger?
Lavender: -sweatdrops- Umm...the nearest burger place is sixty miles away. You have a car??? How muggle-chic!
Ron: Umm (yes, all the Umms are on purpose!!!), no. I meant from Hermione's grandpa's freezer. They're fresh from the cow!
Lavender: What? He-- He-- He-- kills the poor cows? The ones I petted? That's sick! -runs away gagging-
Ron: How did I do?
Harry: -holds up a card with a 2 on it-
Ron: -hopefully- Out of two?
Harry: Ermmm, close, but more like 10...
Ron: -sniffles- Hermione?
Hermione: 1.2 out of 10
Ron: -pitifully- Oh. What about anybody else? Did I really do that bad??
Tualtha: A well-earned 2.1.
Fred: 1.5
Nita: 1.3
Kit: 3
Nita: Three?
Kit: C'mon, cut the poor guy some slack...
Nita: -sigh-
Ronan: 2.6
Dairine: .6
Spot: .5
Carl: .4
Tom: .3
Lone Power: -2
Announcer: 0
Announcer's Assistant: Aww, you guys are mean... 5
Ron: Averaged together, that's... Hermione?
Hermione: 1.32142857 with the 142857 part repeating.
Ron: -sweatdrops- That's kinda --ok, pretty-- bad. I'd better go find Lavender again...
Hermione: I'VE GOT IT!
Ron: Huh??
Hermione: Uhhh-- nothing... nothing at all... Bwahahaha!
Ron: It has to do with the books, doesn't it?
Hermione: How do YOU know about that?
Ron: It's pretty obvious. You're the only one who could write them besides Harry, and we know he doesn't. Have you ever read some of the essays he does? Whew...
Hermione: Damn.
Harry: So... what have you got?
Hermione: The idea for the sixth book! It'll be about a half-blood prince... and you, I guess. HA! You thought I'd give you more hints, didn't you!? Losers!
Harry: Woohoo! It won't REALLY happen to me! Voldemort's dead! -begins to sing a happy song- Ohhhhhhh-- lalalalallalalala laaaaaaaaaaa Ding dong Voldemort's dead...
Ronan: Which Voldemort?
Harry: The Wicked Voldie. Ding dong the wicked Voldie's dead.
Hermione: Wake up - sleepy head, rub your eyes, get out of bed.
Harry: Wake up, the Wicked Voldie's dead. He's gone where the goblins go,
Lavender: What, to Gringotts? What the hell are you guys talking about???
All others: Below - below - below.
Harry: Yo-ho, let's open up and sing and ring the bells out.
Ron: Ding Dong' the merry-oh, sing it high, sing it low.
All others: Let them know
Harry: The Wicked Voldie's dead--
Hermione: And my writer's block is gone! Oh, and just so you know, -switches to her evil voice- WE... WILL... NEVER... MENTION.. THAT VOLDEMORT IS DEAD.
All but Hermione: -sweatdrop- Yes, Ma'am!
Announcer: Ok, then... I guess this segment is done, although it ended on a rather strange note. Get it? Note? -grin- I crack myself up...
Announcer's Assistant: You're crazy...
4) A Secret Revealed and the Intro to the Pretty White Room.
Ronan: Hold up.
Announcer: Huh???
Ronan: It's just plain weird to talk to thin air. I want to SEE my tormenters... that is, if you are seeable.
Announcer: -sulkily- Fine, I guess, but you get to pay for it later!
Ronan: -groans- I don't like the sound of that.
-There is a whirl of pink smoke, and a teenaged girl appears with long dark brown hair and evil gray eyes, wearing a pink shirt that says something to the effect of "Omnipotent Crazy Lady" in the Speech-
Announcer: And here I am! Happy now, Rony?
Ronan: I think... at least until I have to pay the debt like you say. Where's the other one of you? I wanna get my money-- errr, suffering's worth.
-There is a whirl of dark blue smoke, and another (much, much shorter) girl appears with dark brown hair, wearing a dark blue tee that says "I'm with crazy" in the Speech-
Announcer's Assistant: She's CAT, short for Crazy Author Teen
Ronan: Dammit, that's not a real name!
CAT's Assistant: It's the closest YOU get!
Announcer's Assistant: ANYHOO, I'm the Assistant to this Manic Story, or AMS!
CAT: You're not supposed to tell the characters our names! You have to have a certain mystique.
AMS: -sarcastically- Oops. Sorry that I don't want to be known solely as 'Announcer's assistant' for the rest of this fic.
CAT: -sulks-
Nita: What do you have in store for us this time? Any more Kit/Ronan cross-dressing?
CAT: Sadly, not yet...
-Nita and Dairine sulk, while Ronan and Kit silently cheer. CAT waves her pink sparkly pen, and they are all transported into a padded white room with innumerable doors built into the walls.-
Lavender: What's this all about?
CAT: I'm glad you asked.
Ron: Oh no... this isn't gonna be good.
CAT: AMS? Care to explain?
AMS: I don't want to be hated, but I guess I have no choice. Through each door will be a trial that brings you closer to freedom, but beware, some may be downright torturous. It will take all the strength you have to pass these tests.
Kit: I don't like the sound of that. At all. And Dairine still has that camera...
CAT: God, AMS, you sure are melodramatic.
AMS: -sweatdrop- You made these rooms up, not me. I'm entitled to my opinion. -sticks her tongue out-
Lavender: I don't like the sound of this...
Ron: -happily- Wait a second-- you're talking, Lavender! Does that mean you aren't mad--
Lavender: No.
Ron: -muttering- This from the girl who likes Trelawney's class and thought that Uranus was an uncharted planet.
Lavender: Well, you must like that planet because you asked to see it, which won't happen anytime soon! HMPH!
Hermione: -sweatdrops- I have the feeling that the books are going to be a lot different after this -ahem- adventure.
Harry: I hope so. -wink-
Hermione: What's wrong with your eye? Is it infected?
Harry: -sigh- No...
Kit: Too bad OUR writer isn't here. I have a few things I want to discuss with her...
Nita: Really? Such as? Us almost dying in every book?
Kit: Mrphmmm. -smacks hand against head-
Nita: Huh?
Kit: Nothing... nothing at all...
Ronan: HEY! I see where you're getting, and I don't like it.
Kit: I won the date.
Nita: ...eh? Oh Powers, help me.
CAT: -AHEM- Is everyone ready for the first challenge?
-assorted dark muttering-
CAT: I take that as a yes...
Ronan: It's clearly not.
CAT: I SAY it is.
Ronan: Sorry...
AMS: Well, we had to work long and hard to create a special treat for you-- come on, CAT, isn't this kinda-- harsh?
Nita: What's harsh?
CAT: It's the most terrible, cliché, misspelled crossover fanfic ever!!
Ronan: Isn't that what this is already?
CAT: -smacks him- Quiet, you. I don't misspell anything... Besides that, it's many, many times worse.
Ronan: -squirms- Oww… I liked it better when you were a voice.
CAT: Go on inside. We'll follow
Hermione: Sure...
CAT: Wanna ever go home? Your fan letters are piling up, Hermione. Tick. Tock.
Hermione: -tries to cast a spell, but nothing happens- You all suck.
CAT: Yeah, yeah, yeah. We know, but it's so fun!
The Worst Piece of Dribble Ever
Hermione: -sighs and goes in, followed by the others. CAT and AMS go in last and lock the door behind them. It promptly disappears and they find themselves in a classroom with the tiny half-desks from hell-
Ronan: Alright, what gives?
AMS: We're doing a bit of a reading assignment...
Nita: Huh?
Spot: I think she has -cue dramatic music- fanfictions...
Kit: This isn't good...
Ron: Huh? What's that?
Hermione: It's when an author who likes our series decides to write about us. It's usually pretty harmless, but some of the people who write them-- Well, you'll see...
CAT: AMS?
-AMS dims the lights-
CAT: Pleased you could all make it out today. Well, as AMS told you earlier, we will be doing some fanfic reviews. Since this challenge would be relatively easy, we're changing it around a bit.
Harry: I don't like the sound of this.
CAT: We've taken all of the horribly scary plot ideas out there and combined them into one super-fic! Bwahahaha!
-Harry and Ron look at each other nervously-
Both: Please don't let it be what we think it is...
CAT: And... action!
-assorted whimpering fills the room as a script appears on each of their desks-
Ronan: Can I get some popcorn over here?
CAT: -throws a popcorn popper at his head- SHHH!
Ronan: -sniffles- Owww...
CAT: Just for that, YW gets it!
Ronan: D'OH!
-The title "Wizards in Love" flashes on the screen in pink cursive writing- (A/N If anyone has a fic by this name, I didn't know... but still... -shudders-)
Nita: -starts quaking in fear, and both Ronan and Kit try to hug her- Meep... can't... breathe...
Dairine: SHHH! I'm reading this! It should be good...
Dere wonce wuz a girl named Nita and a boy who is named Kit. They had been friends, but only friends, for a long time, and one day Kit decided to tell her how he felt because he had a crush on her. So one day, Kit said, "Nita, I luv you!" and Nita sed "Kit, I luff you too!" Oh yeah... they were wizards, too... young ones...Then Ronan flown in from Ireland and Nita sed, "But I luv Ronan too." Kit was sad.
"Hey, look we're all on assignment together!" Nita exclaimed! 'Cause she's looked at her book...
"No, I don't ever want you to be in danger again, Nita," Kit said with tears in his eyes, "I'll go for you."
"Ha! says Ronan "you've never been able to protect her before so you can't have her and we're going to move to Ireland and have 10 children!"
"It's on! " Kit sad, then hit Ronan. Ronan hit Kit. Hit, Ronan, hit! Hit, Kit, hitt! Nita told them to stop because she didn't want anyone to ever get hurt but they wouldn't listen. Ronan hit Kit with a mitt and kit hit Ronan in a fit. Dairne, Neeta's sister came and called them all losers. Then Spot, roshaun. and the Lone Power all started to fight for Dairne.
"Ronan, I just see that I love you!" kit will say as Ronan punched him in the face!
"Oh no! Nita gasped!
"i luv you, too, Ronan... even though we only met once!' said Kit
So ronan and kit give up on Neets and end up with each other. And they realize that they were really in love all the time and they lived happily ever after in San Francisco and Carl and Tom admit their feelings for each other and moved to CA with Ronan and Kit.. and nita ends up with darryl. ...and Tualtha and rhiow fall in love too and Dairine ended up with spot, the Lone Power, and roshaun and was Queen of Roshaun's world and had a Power and a super-computer fro a fling and everyone wuz happy and paired up and nothing bad ever happened to them again. THE END!
Author's Note: I hopeyou liked my fic and I've always thought that Ronan and kit should end up togetehr like Sam and Frodo should and harry and ron should becuase there aren't enough of those kind of romanse and I hope thaT I can wirte more lik it!
Ronan, Kit, Carl, and Tom: We aren't like that!!!!
Carl: Why me???
Harry: Well, neither are Ron and I!!!!
Nita: Ewwww...
Carmela: Count yourselves lucky. At least it wasn't GRAPHICALLY slash-y... -shudders- I really don't want to read any of that about my brother...
Dairine: What? I liked it!
Nita: You just liked it because you were a queen at the end.
Dairine: ... So?
Roshaun: I knew you loved me!
Dairine: …
Nita and Kit: Sisters...
-All of the doors open, freeing the characters and readers from sitting through a HP version-
CAT: Who did that????
Carmela: -raises her hand- I've been practicing lock picking. My goal is to someday get into Kit's wizardry-guarded diary…
Kit: I knew you were trying!!!
Dairine: It was that easy to get out all along???
CAT: Hey! This doesn't mean that you guys can escape from my white padded room of doooooooom, you know! I have author powers!!!!
-Realizes she's only threatening the mini-desks and a popcorn popper, as everyone else has left.-
CAT: Hey! Wait up! You can't go to the next section of the fic without ME!!!!!! -runs after newly-hijacked the Mystery Machine-
The MBI strikes!!!!
CAT: -panting from her chase- It was just another lazy Saturday when the CAT struck again...
-The Young Wizards and Harry Potter crews are hanging out in Kit's living room playing Guess That Sitcom without any captions or sound-
Ronan: Can you PLEASE stop narrating? I'm trying to watch this...
Nita: ...It's definitely an alien Friends... See? They're just kinda sitting there talking... and wait...I think that's a coffee-ish-substance shop.
Harry: No way... it's Survivor...Look at what that one's eating... it's gotta be an immunity challenge.
Kit: GAH! I think we stumbled on an alien Sex and the City... -shudders-
All: Ugh....
Hermione: I think I'm gonna be sick...
Carmela: Actually, that's the equivalent of Teletubbies... perverts.
Hermione: -shudders- That's even worse...
Kit: How does my sister know more about galaxies far, far away than me?
Carmela: Why do They trust my little brother with magic?
Nita: ...Good question.
Hermione: How come we don't learn about any of this??
CAT: You get wussy-version magic.
Hermione: -throws a fit- I wanna manual!!!!!! -sniffles- Heyyyy.... you guys can put a good word in for me, can't you???
Harry: Then you'd never get the 6th book done.
Hermione: Quiet, you...
Lone Power: Hey, Ron, let me see your famous witch and wizard cards.
Kit: Wait a second... who invited him?
Lone Power: -pouts- Just because I invented entropy doesn't mean you have to get snippety! You're just like the other Powers... not letting me be a part of your "cool cliche". FINE! I DON'T WANT TO PLAY WITH YOU GUYS ANYWAYS!!! -sniffles-
Ron: -hands over his cards- Man, he's got some problems...
Carmela: Oh, I invited him... he's one of my online buddies. He said he was gonna be on Earth for a while, and I told him he could crash with us.
Kit: -smacks his forehead- Do you realize what you've just done?????
Carmela: Sure... something that will cause you a great deal of annoyance.
Kit: Sisters...
Lone Power: This many cards and not ONE of me!!
Kit: Ohhh... let me see those. -riffles through them- None of any of us, either. That sucks... who decides who goes on these things? I did more than this guy... and this guy… and this witch... and you could definitely take this woman... how is it pronounced? Madame Maxime?... in a magical fight, Nita. We totally get gypped.
Nita: ... she sure is scary-looking, tho.
Hermione: Yeah... Why don't we get cards???
Ron: Yeah, we're in the friggin' community, and we don't get -snaps fingers- recognized.
Hermione: Stop that right now, Ron. You're scaring me.
Ron: Huh? I saw it on a Muggle show over the summer! Isn't that what they all do??? Dad got a TV, and it was on a channel called Up N ... Muggles name their channels the oddest things...
All: -smack their foreheads at Ron's denseness-
-All of the sudden, the door to Kit's house is burst in by a short, fat, balding man-
Man: FREEZE!!!
Dairine: Eh? Who are you? Is this another internet buddy, 'Mela?
Carmela: Nope…
Man: I'm part of the MBI: the Magical Bureau of Invesigation. Christopher Rodriguez? You're under arrest for stealing intergalactic cable!!! Give it up... Oh. And it appears someone has been downloading MP3's at your house. We'll hold you accountable for that as well. You and a Juanita Callahan destroyed the planet Alaalu, too, but that's only a misdemeanor.
MBI agent 2: You! Yeah, the Power! You can cross-dress all you want, but we can still tell that you're Esemeli and an accessory!
Lone Power: Dammit, I'm NOT a cross-dresser! I'm just genderless!!!
Ron: Ugh... so it was the Lone Power, not Kit, who was the hermaphrodite... -shudder-
Lone Power: THAT'S NOT THE SAME THING!!!
Carmela: -tries to look innocent when the word MP3 is mentioned-
Nita: Ehhh??? B-B-But the TV did it by itself!
MBI agent: Right... they all say that...
Kit: I think that you have the wrong idea here...
MBI agent: Do you have any idea what kind of prison sentence you're facing? You'd better exercise your right to remain silent before you make things worse...
Kit: But--
MBI agent: -tackles Kit- He's resisting arrest, boys!!! I need back-up!!
Kit: Wha??? No, I'm not!!! This is a misunder-- -gets tackled by about eight agents, knocking the breath from him-
Hermione: What have we gotten ourselves into???
MBI agent 2: -tackles Hermione- I think we have an unregistered Animagus here!! She's turning into a poodle!
Hermione: Shut up! So my hair's a little frizzy!!!! I'M NOT A FRIGGIN' POODLE!!! Wait until I get my hands on you!! I'll bust a cap in yo' ass! Harry, Ron, jump this M----------R!!!!!!!
Ron: -gawks at Hermione- Where did you learn language like that???
Hermione: I did go to a muggle public school once. You learn some pretty useful things there...
MBI agent 3: Dairine Callahan? You're under arrest for the theft of several new laptops...
Dairine: Spot changes!!!
MBI agent 3: Your neighbors seem to think otherwise!!
Dairine: We're innocent, got it???
MBI agent 1: Christopher, you can get off for one charge if you pay the back charges for services.
Kit: Err... how much is it?
MBI agent: In Earth currency? Around 575,567,459,421.89
Kit: WHA?????
Nita: Is that in U.S. dollars???
Kit: Please let it be pesos...
MBI Agent 1: My bad.. that was Euros.. the U.S Dollar total is $696 billion, 986 million, 427 thousand, 253 and 87cents
Kit: -goes into a state of shock-
Ronan: We're gonna need a reallly big fund-raiser....
MBI Agent 1: We're going to have to repo your magic for your bill.
Kit: EH????
MBI Agent 1: Not paying your bill speeds entropy, so we have to take your magic.
Lone Power: Not even I can follow this one...
Kit: WHY?? The TV did it!!! It's sentient!! I swear!!!
MBI Agent 1: Because if you don't pay your bill, we're gonna have to kill you and THAT would speed up entropy... capiche?
Kit: Eep....
Nita: You're not really from the Magical Bureau of Investigation, are you?
MBI Agent 1: Nope.. it's really the Multi-Universal Bounty Institution. And we even knee-cap you in the convenience of your own home. It's our slogan. -insert winning smile-
Kit: Meep...
MBI Agent 1: Hand over your manual. You won't need it where you're going.
Kit: -hands it over- Nita!! Hermione!! Dairine!!! Ronan!! CAT!!!!! Help me!!!! -the three MBI agents haul him off-
MBI Agent: We'll be back for the rest of you.
Nita: We're innocent!!! I swear!!!
Invisible voice: Hahahaha! Suckers!
Kit: Eh?? That better not be you making fun of me, CAT!!! THIS IS SERIOUS!!!!
Invisible voice: Ha! You got Punk'd!
-The MBI Agents let go of him and start laughing-
Kit: WHAT THE HELL?????
Nita: That voice sounds familiar.....
Kit: That's...
Both: Quelt????
CAT: -snickers-
Nita: You knew this was a prank the whole time, didn't you???
CAT: ...
Ronan: I'm lost.
Nita: Oh... we, errr... helped her blow up her planet so that her species could evolve last Spring Break. Apparently instead of sugar and sweetness, they're all smart-asses now!!!!!
-Harry, Hermione, Ron, and Ronan back away-
Quelt: Awww, you know it was funny. -proudly- I'm better than that Ashton Kutcher punk, aren't I?
Kit: -carrying his wizard's manual in his mouth and trying to get handcuffs off- Mpmhmhhh...
Quelt: Well, I gotta go punk Justin Timberlake; MTV gave me the job now Ashton's with Demi. Ruins teen appeal to think he's attached. But non-wizards sure are skittish about disembodied voices... oh, and Kit... you looked real cute in that pink leather skirt!
Kit: -mutters darkly- An MTV host is the higher form of being we risked our tails for?????
Nita: Must have something to do with how it was Spring Break when we freed them. At least everything's back to normal...
CAT: -snicker- As if...
-doorbell rings-
Short, fat, balding man outside: Hello? It's the cable guy... can I come in???
Kit: RUN!!!! -disappears, soon followed by the others-
-Several hours later (many spent on the moon)...-
Kit's mom: -walking in the door- Hey, Kit, did the cable guy come today? He was supposed to come by and set up DSL today...
Kit: Errrr....
Kit's mom: I have a feeling I don't want to know...
CAT: And the moral of today's episode is? Ronan?
Ronan: I dunno... don't steal cable?
CAT: WRONG! It's to always listen to me when I say I'm going to strike again!!!
Kit: Someone's on a power trip....
CAT: And someone's about to wear high heels for a week.
Kit: Why does everyone have it in for me today????
AMS: And so everything went back to about as normal as it was gonna get, considering...
Ronan: Yet we're still not rid of you two...
AMS and CAT: Quiet, you!
Carmela: -to CAT and AMS- I like you... not many people can inspire that much fear in my brother... and what's this about a skirt, Kit???
Kit: I don't want to talk about it...
Carmela: -pouts, but sees Dairine mouthing 'I'll show you later' and brightens up- So, dear brother, are you ever going to introduce me to your new guests? -eyes up Harry, Ron, the LP, and Ronan-
Kit: Here we go again...
The Intergalactic Dating Game
-Cue corny theme music and fake crowd cheering, followed by Kit entering wearing a frighteningly fake grin and an even more frightening fake suit in white polyester-
Kit: Hello, everyone! I'm Kit Rodriguez, and I'll be you host for The Intergalactic Dating Game! Today's lovely lady looking for love is no other than the stunning, the entrancing, Carrrrrmela Rodriiiiiiguez!!!! Come on out, Carmela!
Nita: -from audience- He's scaring meee...
Dairine: That smile.. -shudder- I half expect him to tell me that I'm the next contestant on The Price is Right!
Spot: Scary...
-Carmela comes out wearing a skimpy mini-
Carmela: Thanks, Kit! I knew you would hook me up! Earth guys are just so boring...
Kit: -sighs- I'm only doing this because of that THING you keep threatening me with, and you know it.
Carmela: What? This thing? -smile sweetly as she brandishes her "curling iron"- This is just for self-defense. A girl can never be too careful when she meets a new guy!
Kit: You know what I'm talking about.
Carmela: -waves her "curling iron" at Kit- On to the bachelors, eh, Kitty?
Kit: -gulps- Shut up! Only mom can call me that! Errr—I mean, Yes ma'am! But.. uh, first... could you tell us something about yourself?
Carmela: Certainly! I'm a energetic young single girl who enjoys Pina Coladas, walking on foreign satellites, getting caught in the rain, anime, learning the Speech, and chatting online with other sentient beings who are just as strange as I am.
Kit: Pina Coladas?? You're underage!
Carmela: ...
Kit: -sigh- Whatever... I'm just going to introduce our contestants. -hands Carmela a pair of headphones with a silence spell built in- Please put these on, 'Mela.
Carmela: And mess up my hair???
Kit: Come on!!!
Carmela: Fine... but only because I like surprises. -puts them on-
Kit: Bachelor number one is a male... thing... from a galaxy far, far away... please welcome JarJar Binks to the show!
JarJar: Meesa sooooo happy to be here... meesa getting lonely and wants to find a nice girl.
Kit: -snickers- Err... yeah. Next is a contestant from just a few universes over... please welcome Gollum, all the way from Middle Earth!!!!
Gollum: All we wants -gollum- is a girl who we can -gollum- make feel likes she is the -gollum- most preciousssss thing in the world to usss... and doesn't mind caves.
Kit: This should cure her of her obsession with other species... and bachelor number three is a house-elf from Hogwarts! Give a warm welcome to Dobby!
Dobby: None of the house-elf ladies is wanting Dobby, so Dobby thought that maybe he could try to find someone who will appreciates him!
Dairine: Dear God, it's computerized graphics hell! Poor Carmela...
Kit: In order to prevent prejudices in the game, we will be changing the contestant's voices. You can take those off now, Carmela.
Carmela: Eh?
Kit: -takes off her headphones- We're ready to start.
Carmela: Hmm... so that's how Grandma Maria feels when she doesn't turn on her hearing aid. Pretty useful for tuning out annoying brothers, though...
Kit: I'll start out the first question, directed to Bachelor Number Three. After a long day at school, what would you have done for Carmela that would show how much you care?
Dobby: -altered to a Barry Manilow voice- Dobby would have all of the housework, cooking, and cleaning done for her and would act as her loyal slave.
Carmela: -eyes light up- This guy sounds like a good one!
Carmela: Bachelor Number Two: What kind of ideal date would you take me on?
Gollum: -altered to a Michael Jackson-esque voice- I would take you out for sushi, then take you fishing at a calm lake, my love, my precious.
Carmela: Sounds both fun and disturbing at the same time... Bachelor Number One: What would you do if you really wanted to impress me?
Jarjar: -altered to sound like Justin Timberlake- Eh? Impress? Meesa doesn't have any real talents...
Carmela: ... who's Meesa??
Kit: -sigh- Last question, which goes to all Bachelors: What would you do if Carmela was in mortal danger? One?
Jarjar: Meesa would run away and get help from Anakin.
Kit: Err.... ok, then. Two?
Gollum: We woulds try to protect her as bet as we could.
Smeagol: You liar! We'd takes the precious and leaves her, yes we would, precious!
Gollum: Why you little... -lunges at... himself -
Kit: Do we have any security guards?
Producer (Darryl): Nope... the Springer show next door hired all the muscle-types before we could. We got stuck with the lazy ones, who happen to be on yet another break.
Kit: -sigh- Eh... one of them will get tired sometime... Three?
Dobby: Dobby would risk my life for my mistress, yes, Dobby would! Especially such a kind, sweet, gentle mistress.
Kit: Errr, time to choose, 'Mela. Made a decision yet?
Carmela: Number One sounded like a wussy, so I had to eliminate him...
Kit: Number One, come on out!
-Jarjar comes out and Carmela screams and disintegrates him with the curling iron-
Kit: I really don't think that you should kill the contestants, Carmela...
Dairine: Woohoo! She took down the thing that brought down the whole Star Wars name!!!
Carmela: He was coming straight for me! Besides... you don't want to be next, do you?
Kit: I'll be good...
Carmela: Anyways, I didn't chose Number Two either, because he sounded schizophrenic.
Kit: Number two? Come on out... if you dare...
Darryl: Errr... about that... that thing apparently passed out from arguing and fighting with itself.
Kit: -ahem- He was smarter than JarJar... Number Three... you have been chosen! Come meet your date!
Dobby: Dobby is so honored, mistress!
Carmela: -looks down at how short Dobby is and at his clothing choices- Listen... I don't think this is gonna work out, but about that cooking and cleaning....
Dobby: Dobby would do anything for his mistress!
Carmela: Excellllent.... I have a room that needs a good cleaning, and I think that we have a bed that Ponch outgrew that you can sleep on. It's slightly flea-ridden, though...
Dobby: -tears filling eyes- Such a kind, noble mistress...
Kit: And so the show ends with another male being exploited by my sister. What a surprise.
Harry: Didn't that bother you at all, Hermione? What with house-elf rights and all…?
Hermione: Meh. I don't really believe that rubbish. I needed something nice and controversial in the book, though. In fact, I had my house elf typing my books up for a while until I realized it wrote down all the pronouns incorrectly...
Harry: But I bought a badge from you! It's not a real cause???
Hermione: Welll.... that's a funny story... actually, I used that money to buy you and Ron your Christmas gifts... sure.... heh.. April Fools!
Harry: Oh, I get it now! I KNEW you'd never really lie to me!
Hermione: ...
Kit: Woohoo! I made it though a whole segment without cross-dressing!
Nita: I just have one question... what was Carmela threatening you with?
Kit: She threatened to get prints made of Dairine's picture of me in a skirt, take it to mom and dad, and make them send me to a psychiatrist. Dad might be OK with me being a wizard, but if he ever saw that, he'd disown me... 'Mela, did you learn a lesson today?
Carmela: Never to leave home without my "curling iron"?
Kit: -smacks forehead- Try again...
Carmela: Fine! I'll cool it with the alien guy thing for a while...
Kit: That's all I wanted to hear! I'm Kit Rodriguez, reminding you to keep the pet population under control: spay or neuter your pets!
Ponch: You traitor!
Spot: -cowers under Dairine's seat-
Kit: I didn't mean it!!!!! -runs away from the set with a very angry dog at his heels-
Celebrity Deathmatch, Round Three
Celebrity Deathmatch Announcer: Hello, spectators! We have a real treat for you all in this segment: two of the biggest celebrities we've ever had!!
Lone Power: What the F---??? Now I'm not a friggin' celebrity? Screw you guys, I'm going home! I'll kill you yet, CDM Announcer!!!!!
YW crew: -looks at him strangely-
CAT: You're not going anywhere!
Lone Power: -a vein bulges on his forehead- I...AM...STARTING...TO...GET...ANGRY!!!!! GET ME THE -BLEEEEEEP- OUT OF THIS DAMNED FIC, MICHAEL!!! HAVE YOU NO HEART????
-Michael/Picchu/..well, you get the pic... appears as Picchu-
Picchu: SQUAWK! Not a chance! Think of it as penance...
Lone Power: -Grabs ahold of Peach's tail feathers- Not so fast! If I have to endure this, you do, too!
Peach: Dammit...
CDM Announcer: -ahem- It appears that a new celebrity deathmatch has broken out in the crowd between two Powers! Duck and cover!!!
Nita: -next to them- Oh crap...
Peach: -tries to peck at the LP-
CAT: Excellent... another Power fallen into my trap... Bwahahaahha!
Peach: NOOOOOOOO!!!
CDM Announcer: ANYWAYS, going on to our REAL celebrities...
-Peach somehow restrains the Lone Power-
Lone Power: I'm gonna kill him! Let me at 'im!!!!
YW crew: O.o'
CDM Announcer: In this corner.... our first prince: Roshaun ke Ne- ...laid?... aww, screw it: Roshaun!
Roshaun: Actually, it's KING Roshaun ke Nelaid am Seriv am Teliuyve am Meseph am Veliz am--
CDM Announcer: ANYWAYS, in this corner, all the way from Mirkwood forest in Middle Earth, it's... Prince Legolas, son of Thranduil!
-A flock of fangirls start to cheer-
Fangirl 1: Oh my God... It's ORLI!!! Wait a second... Thranduil? What's a Thranduil??
Legolas: -sweatdrops- Ermmm... sometimes I think that my fangirls just like my looks, not me! -he flips his hair and half of the fangirls faint- Oh well. Works for me...
Fangirl 2: Oh my God! I got one of his hairs!!!! -passes out-
Roshaun: Why don't I have any fangirls??? I'm his exact freakin' clone!! Except I can do magic...
Legolas: WHAT????? They're pitting me against a wizard? I'm gonna die!!!! Who the hell has it in for me????
Fangirl 3: What, so you're, like, Gandalf and Aragorn and Legolas wrapped into one? We wanna see some fireworks!!!
Roshaun: Eh?
Dairine: Long story. Just ignore them.
Legolas: So are you immortal, too?
Lone Power: I HATE Middle Earth elves... resisting entropy... namby-pamby little tree-huggers...
Roshaun: WHAT????? They're pitting me against an immortal? I'm gonna die!!!! Who the hell has it in for me????
Legolas: -looking at the LP- GAH! It's Sauron... I want my mommy!
Dairine: Weeeell, technically, they can die of a broken heart... and in battle.
Roshaun: Does this count as a battle???
Dairine: -shrugs-
Legolas: How do you know of that, stunning lady??
Roshaun: It's on, elfy boy! THAT'S MY KNOW-IT-ALL!!!
Fangirls: Let us at her!!!
Dairine: Great. Just peachy. Spot, sic 'em!
Spot: Just because you named me after a dog doesn't mean you have to treat me like one...
Dairine: Screw it... -starts to battle through rabid fangirl herds-
-Roshaun and Legolas have each other in a headlock-
Roshaun: I was here first!
Legolas: So? I'm a hero in my world!
Roshaun: ...and I'm a king! You're just a glorified, pointy-eared fairy!!!!
Legolas: THAT'S IT!!!!
Nita: -covers her eyes- I can't watch... -both Ronan and Kit rush to hug her again, but she ducks out of the way and they end up butting heads and hugging each other-
Ronan: It's OK, my love! I'll protect you...
Nita: Oo' Ewww… I never knew, Ronan...
Kit: UGH! GET OFF OF ME!!!! THIS IS ENOUGH OF THAT KIND OF THING, CAT!!!!!!
CAT: -looks highly amused-
Ronan: -pushes Kit away- This is all a set up by Her! She's framing me!!!
Legolas: -whips out his hunting knives- THIS ENDS HERE!!!!
Roshaun: GAH! He has a piece!!!
Hermione: We're all wizards, we have to do something!
CDM Announcer: NO OUTSIDE INTERFERENCE!!!
Legolas: -Raises his knives and...
Nita: Meep!
and...
Dairine: -still fighting fangirls- Guys...
and...
Lone Power: -Mr. Burns-style- Exxxxcellent...
and..
(I bet you want to know, don't you?)
does the unthinkable-- cuts off Roshaun's hair!!!!!-
Roshaun: -goes into a state of fury at the sight of his hair fluttering to the ground- I'M GONNA KILL YOU!!!! -prepares a spell to chop off Legolas' hair and unleashes it-
Legolas: NOOOOOOOOOOOOO!!!! My strength.... my beauty... all of it... gone....... -sobs and collapses-
Kit: Why do half of these end by attacks on hair?
CAT: Errr…. Good question…
Remaining fangirls: He cut off Legolas' hair and made him cry!!! GET HIM!!!!!
Dairine: -gets to the ring before them and knocks the boys' heads together, K-Oing them - NOW STOP BEING MORONS!!!
Fangirls: -slink away-
CDM Announcer: Errr... this has taken an interesting turn... it looks like Dairine has won... the date with herself.
Dairine: You were gonna auction me off like a cow??? That's ok for Neets, but NOT for me, GOT IT???
Nita: Gee, sis. Thanks.
Dairine: -to announcer- Wait until I get my hands on you!!!!!
Lone Power: I'm liking her more and more every minute...
-CDM Announcer mysteriously slinks away-
Dairine and the Lone Power: DON'T THINK YOU CAN GET AWAY SO EASILY! We'll get our vengeance!!!!
A/N: How'd you guys out there reading like the new posts? About to die of heart attacks from me up-dating THREE TIMES in a row? Me too... don't I come up with the weirdest couplings? Heehee… well, Roshaun never actually left Earth yet… remember? Wouldn't he and Dairine be a cute couple? –grins- Darn it... No cliffhangers to get cheap reviews this time... crap... Oh well, if you liked it, hated it, or just want to make suggestions, the review box is under your control1 Dai Stiho, all!!!