4. But in order to get to the heart,

I think sometimes you'll have to cut through

PART TWO

As the sun started setting, Jake and his father moved from the kitchen into their little living room. Each took a seat on the old yet somehow still insanely comfortable couch Jax had bought from a co-worker of his who moved away some years ago. Jake found himself immersed completely into the world his father was painting with every word he spoke, eager to find out more about Jax's past.

After lighting yet another cigarette (Jake was making an effort not to count just how many his father had smoked since they started this little walk down the memory lane) and taking a few drags, Jax leaned back and proceeded with the story.

"After finding out about my father's death, the atmosphere in the club started to shift. Members were obviously restless, they needed a new leader. For the time my father was ... absent, Piney stepped in, being the Vice President and one of the founding members. Him being the president was supposed to be just a temporary situation, just until my dad sorted out his shit, you know? Dealt with the loss of his son, his marriage falling apart..." he paused as Jake nodded to indicate he was still listening attentively, that he understood where this part of the story was headed.

Jax nodded back and continued, "But his death meant a permanent solution was needed. Part of the MC wanted Piney to stay President, not only because of what I already told you about but also because he was a tough but righteous man. He allowed no screw-ups, no messing with the law. In a way, he reminded us all of my old man, no wonder they were friends," he let out a painful laugh, like a reminder of what it used to be like before all those tragedies struck his family, "They shared the same beliefs and experiences, having served together in Nam."

"And others probably wanted Clay, right? Someone who didn't mind getting his hands dirty form time to time?" Jake interrupted, staring to slowly realise how this club thing must have worked. There were obviously factions created, each with their own candidate.

Jax's answer confirmed his musing.

"Yeah, exactly. Others wanted someone else to step in, being no doubt under Clay's obdurate pressure. Clay, he was stubborn, hot-headed man with little regard for consequences his actions might have. Although Gemma denied it times and times when I confronted her about it, I know Clay used her to get the presidency of the club. She was in her darkest hour at the time, as I already told you, and he helped her get better. Though thankful, I think I sensed, even then, his help wasn't as unconditional and frank as he wanted us all to believe."

Jake felt anger rise inside of him. To think his grandfather, who was an honourable man, had been replaced with a sleazeball like Clay Morrow in his family and friends' lives, with this trash who seemed to have no regards to others, especially his supposed best friend's son, was deplorable. And to think this man also used his grandma in such a way just to get what he wanted... Jake was glad he had no recollection of him whatsoever; no memory to be tainted, thank god.

"He used Gemma to further his own plans. Having Gemma on his side, the deceased president's widow on his side, the victory was his. A couple of weeks later, after many deliberations, arguments, and drunk fistfights (which was unheard of while my father was still alive), Clay seized the Sons of Anarchy President's patch, effectively cementing his place in club's and our lives."

Jax's voice had been steady up to this point, when it acquired sad tone, no doubt because he was yet again recollecting the pain he felt upon Gemma's obvious neglect. Jake realised his father would most probably never recover from the scars her actions had left on him, try as he may.

"Now, since Tommy's death I had been a wreck. My dad dying pushed me even further into depression and reckless behaviour. Opie and Piney struggled to keep me alive, if you'll believe it. Gemma kind of forgot about me for awhile. Not that I blame her that much anymore, but at the time I really needed her, my mother, the most and she wasn't there for me. I was on the brink of dying so many times from alcohol poisoning, I even drove a car into a tree once while I was under the influence and she didn't even show up until I was about to be discharged."

Jake gasped, eyes wide. He was shell-shocked, gaze trained on his father as in turn, Jax nodded dejectedly as if to fully confirm the truthfulness of his statement.

"Grandma really never- she didn't visit you, like at all? I just can't imagine her being like that, dad. I mean, she's-she's so... Every time she comes around I see her trying so hard to please you, weighing her words carefully as not to insult you unintentionally or otherwise," Jake's words conveyed his bewilderment over his grandmother's actions. The woman his father was describing was as far from the person he knew as it was possible.

Jax stayed quiet a few minutes to, as Jake presumed, give him time to collect himself. Then, tentatively, he spoke again, almost in a whisper like he was afraid to further shatter the image his son had of his grandmother. The story has just begun, Jax thought to himself, knowing for certain that his son would look at Gemma in a whole different light even before he finished his confession.

"The day I decided to kill myself was actually just a few days short of the anniversary of Tommy's death. It all kind of came crushing down on me, you know? The full impact of everything that happened to us and all that was happening with Clay.

He started pressuring me into joining the club soon after he took reign over the MC, sending me on some odd assignments; I had no idea what they were actually at the time. Piney kept warning me to steer clear of the club since it was becoming something my father would never have approved of. Something illegal was what Piney was hinting at, though he never quite put it into words."

Jake was smart enough to read between the lines, just like his father. Drugs or arms, he thought, was what Clay was pushing through the club, destroying it and dividing from within, little by little. Or something much worse. He shuddered at the thought.

He didn't interrupt his father, though. Jax was already fully invested in the storytelling, his eyes bearing a distant hurt in them as he twiddled his thumbs.

"I didn't care about anything. The pain I felt was... overwhelming seems too mild an expression. It was... suffocating me, mind and body. Sometimes I couldn't sleep, my mind rewinding all our happy memories then flashing to all the gruesome details of my dad's death, Tommy's suffering, Gemma's spiralling into alcoholism and Clay... I wasn't able to rein in my emotions, my feelings were all over the place."

Then, as if by some miracle, Jax's lips spread into a timid smile which slowly became wider as he got to the point of the story involving Tara, his eyes becoming a little brighter, devoid of the shadows that had been inhabiting them since... well, since he first met his father. If ever was any doubts Tara was his father's shining star even after reading the diaries, they were all shattered in that moment. Even his voice acquired a joyful note.

Jake moved even closer, as he was afraid to miss a single word his father spoke about this woman. Every mentioning of her was too precious to let escape and get lost in the irritating noise of the AC.

"After Tara and I started dating, things started changing for me, little by little. I realised I shouldn't waste my life, that I should make something of myself, to make my dad proud. I told you how I had started skipping school?" Jake answered affirmatively and Jax continued, "Well, Tara pushed me to realise how stupid it was of me to do that to myself, my future. So, I went there, apologised to the principal and teachers for my behaviour, told 'em how I was gonna change, work harder. Thankfully, they understood what made me act the way I did and along with Tara, they helped me a lot to get back on track."

Jax chuckled painfully, eyes cast downwards, "You might not think this, but your old man is pretty smart, thought at the time I kind of liked to play stupid for no reason other than to piss every one of my teachers. And Gemma, was trying to get her damn attention. To no avail, of course.

But with Tara...man... She wouldn't let me downplay my abilities, she kept pushing me to do my best and I can't tell you how much that meant to me. To have someone in my corner for once. Someone who had nothing to do with my life before all that tragedy, someone who was able to look at me and not see the son of an ex president of the local MC. Someone who didn't force me to be something I'm not, who didn't have any expectations apart from wanting me to be who I am."

"She just saw you, and loved you as you were," Jake concluded sharing a smile with his father, along with growing admiration for the woman he knew nothing about until now.

"Yeah, she did," Jax confirmed and made a pause before returning the story's focus on the MC and his family's handling of his life.

"Naturally, after Piney being pushed to the margins of the club and realising what the MC had become, I didn't want to have anything to do with it. Clay, man... Clay didn't want to hear it. I was John Teller's boy, the club was in my blood and it was my duty to do what's best for club, he kept saying. And what was best for club was whatever Clay deemed to be so. Gemmy joined him in on it, filling my head with these - these ideas how one day the club was going to be mine but for now I needed to help Clay, how I needed to become a patched member as soon as possible, how I'm not to question Clay and all that shit."

He let out a long shaky sigh, bowing his head and running his hands through his blond hair. Jake regarded him with caution, afraid he would break down any moment now, the burden of years' long secrets and inner torment being too much for him. It took him some time to gather his wits again and return his gaze on his son, eyes filled with tears.

"Fuck, I couldn't take it, Jake. I swear, I tried and tried, but it got so fucking hard with each passing moment. I actually never told this to Tara or anyone, but it got so bad I was on the verge of contemplating suicide again. My relationship with Tara, having her as my support, was the one thread that kept me even remotely sane amidst the chaos. I started lashing out, refused to do Clay's bidding anymore. In return, Gemma started stalking and threatening Tara, telling her she was bad news for me, how she was changing her boy, making him soft, making him disregard his duties as a Teller.

Tara had the patience of an angel, I'll tell you that, but the wrath of the devil. She could hold her own. Gemma did freak her out a little with all that nonsense but Tara never let it show. She just ignored it all, telling me we needed to focus on each other."

Jake shook his head in disbelief for the umpteenth time that day, frowning. He dared to ask, "I never-Grandma did all that? I just can't understand. Tara was doing so much good for you, helping you get back on track, just like Clay did for her. She of all people should have understood your relationship and supported you!" he yelled, unable to prevent the feeling of shame and hatred arising as a result of this new information he never would have associated with the kind and gentle, almost bashful woman he had been calling grandma for the last ten years of his life.

His mom and later Jax raised him to be respectful, to never speak ill of anyone but right now he wanted nothing more but to call his grandma and scream into her face what a horrible person and mother she had been to her own son, her only son to make him see suicide as his only way out of the hell she had been putting him through when he was but a teenager.

Jax huffed an acerbic laugh, getting up to go to the kitchen and warm up their dinner. Time had passed with such rapidness both of them forgot to eat. This also provided them both an opportunity to cool down and think on their own about all that Jax had told up to that point.

When Jax reappeared in the living room and handed Jake his plate filled with yesterday's takeout, Jake was too lost in his own head to do anything but mechanically take the plate and set it on his knees. He was moving the fork left and right, not really eating.

"Jake," Jax started, startling Jake from his thoughts, "son, if this is too much for you, we can just drop it. It won't get any easier from now on, the story that is. And I'd hate for you to develop ill emotions towards anyone because of -"

Jake shook his head vigorously, "No dad! I want to hear everything, all that had happened, everything that led you, us, here. And it won't be your fault if I start harbouring disdain and hatred towards anyone. If anything, those people should be ashamed of how they treated you and Tara! I-I won't have any peace if we leave it here. I'll just keep wondering what went down, it'll consume me from the inside and I'll have no choice but to ask grand - Gemma - and I know now she would never tell me the truth, the real truth. She would probably serve me some bullshit tale from her perspective, make herself the victim and I don't want, don't need that. I trust you and you alone. And I want your story, not hers."

"Okay, okay" Jax repeated as if to brave himself. They ate their dinner in silence for the next half hour. Then, Jake stood up to take the plates to the sink and only then realised how stiff his legs had become due to hour-long sitting in the same position. He used the few minutes to calm himself, to ward off the horrific thoughts that started forming in his mind of what his grandma and her husband could have done to separate his dad and Tara 'cause he had no doubts the two of them had their hands in that. Sick freaks, he thought angrily.

When he got back, Jax had settled in his usual armchair by the window and Jake turned on the lights then curled himself on the couch once more, taking a deep breath before Jax continued the tale.

"All this back and forth with them went on for three years; we were basically fighting on daily basis and that shit, Jake... Gemma knows how to twist things, play with your head... I never knew her to be so malicious, unyielding, spitting venom every chance she got. The woman she became alongside Clay was not the same woman who raised me, who used tucked in me at night.

In the meantime, amidst all this shitstorm happening, Tara and I were doing great at school and started applying for colleges. We were thinking of moving as far away from Charming as possible, renting a place together.

Can you imagine? Jax Teller, a college boy?" the painful laugh that left his body sent chills down Jake's spine.

Another one of his father's dreams Gemma annihilated; he recognized the now tell-tale signs of the destruction and pain Gemma's actions left in their wake – the glassy expression, shadows of what could have been hiding behind his father's blue eyes, the strained tug of his lips, his trembling hands that seemed to want to grasp something, hold onto it lest it slipped through his calloused fingers.

Jax continued, not noticing Jake's anguished expression, "now, Tara's life hadn't been easy either. Her old man was a mean son of a bitch. After his wife walked out on him and their little girl, he became so bitter and cruel, taking his anger out on Tara all the time. She wouldn't tell me anything about her at first, you know? 'cause she wasn't used to trusting people.

It was only much later, after a couple of arguments that she finally admitted what'd been goin' on," his voice wavered before his eyes, brimming with tears, set on his son. "He would sometimes lash out, hit her just 'cause. I'd noticed the bruises, noticed she never wore anything but long-sleeved shirts. For the first few weeks after our meeting on the bridge and we started seeing each other as friends, she would come to our little hideout and just curl up to my side, like she wanted to melt into me."

Jax had once again averted his eyes to the side, not noticing Jake's tear-stained cheeks. His words hit Jake right in the heart and he wished there was something someone could have done back then to help them, to just be there for these two lost teenagers who seemed to have no one but each other in their grief and suffering. He thought how lucky he was for having his mom and later Jax to shield him from the world and its dangers, to help him up whenever he fell down and offer him kind words and gentle touch instead of punches and curses.

"It sounds so fucked up, I know but... I think she just wanted to escape too, lose herself to the world, disappear so no one would hurt her. She wouldn't talk much. Actually, neither of us did. We would just lie side by side and she would rest her hand over my heart. We'd lie, eyes closed and just... I don't know. Exist together, but detached from the world. I can't tell you the number of times we would fall asleep just like that and wake up in each other's arms. I know kids these days, and even back then, would see this as something to mock, laugh about. 'cause sharing feelings and shit, just enjoying other person's company without having to resort to asinine comments and behaviour is seen as being weak, a pussy, pardon my language.

What we had was something innocent, pure, unsullied by the realities of our lives. She was Tara and I was Jax and it was as simple as that; it was enough for us."

The final sentence served as the ultimate confirmation of Tara being his dad's one true love. It was silly to say it, but it was the truth. No one spoke about another person that way, about just existing with them unless everything else never existed for them in the first place besides their love for the other person.

Jake surprised himself by speaking up as a realisation dawned on him, "I've never heard of anyone speaking about their girlfriend the way you talk about Tara. It's only now I'm beginning to comprehend she was never just your girlfriend. She was the other half of you, someone who knew you inside and out. This existing... I don't think it was just that. You were alive with her because she was the part of your life that allowed you to dream, to think, to create this world where both of you were safe and did what you loved together. Reality was your enemy. That's why you wished so hard to escape it."

Jax grinned, shaking his head in amusement, "I-I guess I never thought of it that way but I guess you're right. She was the only part of my life that wasn't thrust upon me. She appeared one day, out of the blue, and became someone I couldn't imagine ever being without again."

"But she's no longer in your life," Jake stated matter-of-factly, curiosity getting the best of him.

"We're getting ahead of ourselves. Anyway, I never asked her about the bruises, I wanted her to tell me when she was ready. It made me fucking crazy when she finally told me and I won't lie, I lost it. I think all that rage because of the MC, Clay, and Gemma had built up to the point that it only took a drop for me to fly off the handle.

One day, when she didn't show up to meet me, I was doing my damnest to not think the worst. I kept saying, she's gonna show up, she's gonna show up. This'd never 'appened before so naturally my mind was all shambles. A few hours before that I had another fight with Gemma and I was a mess already. After about... two hours, I just couldn't wait any longer. I went over to her house (for the first time ever), looked around to see if there was anything strange. I had this, this gut-wrenching feeling I can't quite explain, but I knew something happened.

When I got to the front door and called out... the sound I heard damn near broke me, Jake. I got inside, followed her voice... she was calling out for me. My heart was in my throat, hands shaking, there was this crippling fear of what I might find as I approached her bedroom door...

She was sitting in a corner, knees drawn to her chest as she swayed back and forth. Crying, mumbling something under her breath, clutching her arm. I guess she heard me come in 'cause she look up and... her face was covered in bruises and cuts, some still bleeding. She was so scared, I could tell by the look in her eyes. I barely managed to whisper her name, still shocked, when she let out something bordering a scream and a sob and scrambled to get up. I rushed to her side and god, Jake, she ran into my arms knocking out my breath and held onto me so tightly. I didn't know what to do, so I just kept saying she's gonna be ok, that I'm was there now and that she's safe. As am telling you this, I swear to god I can still feel her shaking in my arms, sobbing, clutching at my shirt like she was afraid I was gonna leave her.

I'm gonna spear you other details, the gist of all being that her old man found out she was hanging out with me and beat the crap out of her. She had several fractured ribs, a broken arm, bruises all over her face and body. I took her months to recover, physically and mentally."

The silence after this stretched out, neither Jax nor Jake saying anything, too shaken by the images invoked by this part of the story. Jake knew his father had it worse – the images he was seeing were real memories of the events, surely more gruesome and painful than the ones created by mere retelling. Jax was reliving it.

"I never told her this either but, while she was in hospital, I went out and found him and beat him to a bloody pulp. Threatened him never to come near her again or next time I would kill him. Honestly, it was like something came over me, I had no control of my body, my fists. I kept seeing those bruises, the blood, her blood..."

"During her recovery, there were days she wouldn't talk at all, just sit quietly in a chair near the window with a blank look in her eyes. It frightened me to see her like that, wounded, broken. I knew how much her father meant to her, especially after her mother left, and to witness his decline into violent madness, to bear scars of his rage on her body and mind took a heavy toll on her.

That son of a bitch... after I took Tara to hospital and she spent a few days there, she was supposed to be discharged and had nowhere to go. She wouldn't go back to her house fearing he might be there, that he might hurt her again. She needn't have worried. Her dad had disappeared for awhile, and I suspected it had something to do with me. Well, I was sure of it. He quit his job, packed his things and left. Somehow, I managed to contact an aunt of hers who came to Charming and stayed with Tara for a few months until she recovered. It was her mother's sister and as it goes, her father was too resentful towards her entire family to allow them any sort of contact with his daughter. Up until then, aunt Ellie, as she liked to be called, hadn't seen Tara in a few years so you can imagine her excitement at the prospect of being close to her niece again. She took such a good care of Tara, helped her overcome her anxiety little by little. She had no children and used to say Tara was a godsend gift. I had no idea what kind of strings she had to pull, but somehow she got custody of Tara and moved permanently to live in Charming.

Ellie was very supportive of us, unlike my family, which is why I kind of started living there soon after Tara got out of hospital. I felt more at home there than at Gemma's. It was the atmosphere and the company, I realised. We joked all the time, watched movies together, Ellie would make us pancakes for breakfast and tell us stories of her rebellious youth.

Gemma hated it, of course. It was yet another bone of contention between us, that I liked Tara's aunt more than I liked her, my own mother. She started seeing Tara and Ellie as her competition, a threat to her. It was insane, but... The Gemma you know now is different, or at least seems different which is why it must be hard for you to believe this. Back then, she was as brutal as they come and I was slowly starting to realise how far she was willing to go just to keep me by her and club's side, consequences be damned."

"Dad," Jake interrupted him, "believe me, at this point, nothing you tell me about Gemma can shock me."

Jax just smiled sadly, and Jake knew this was nothing compared to what was to come. His dad proceeded as if there was no interruption, "Tara was such a good and kind person, Jake. I've never known anyone like her. She had this aura about herself that drew people to her. She was my best friend, aside from Opie and Donna. Tara, Opie and Donna never actually met, at least not officially. We never hung out together."

After seeing Jake's confused expression, he explained, "I just didn't want to mix those two parts of my life. Opie and Donna were one of my ties to the club and my family; Tara was the other part of my life, one that had nothing to do with all that drama and I never wanted to involve her in any of it."

Jake nodded in understanding.

"Tara had her own circle of friends and after we started going out officially, we only ever hung out with them. They were an unproblematic group and we always had fun together. They helped me feel, or pretend to feel normal. As someone whose family wasn't involved in dirty business. I was just another teenager with them with no particular responsibilities, without a burden of my father and brother's deaths on my conscience. Even for a few hours, they would help me forget about, you know, all that Gemma and Clay were trying to force on me.

She did come by the club once and it was enough for me to realise I should definitely keep those parts of my life as far apart as possible. You read about it, right? About the incident with Kyle, yeah? Well that son of a bitch sought every chance he got to rile me up, to provoke me just to cause another strife between Clay and me and he saw Tara as a way to achieve that. I got into too many fights with him 'cause he just wouldn't back away. The sick bastard, it was like he had a death wish, the way he provoked me."

Jake recalled the diary entry featuring this particular jackass and felt his blood boil. With every new truth his father revealed, Jake felt himself resent the people, the environment his father was forced to grow up in. Nothing seemed to have worked for either him or Tara, like the universe or some earthly force had been hell bent on killing the last remnants of hope these poor teenagers harboured.

"Anyway, as I said, this shit with Gemma lasted about three years. And then, one day, Tara just...disappeared. I went to her house 'cause we were supposed to go to movies. When I got there, there was no one in sight. Her aunt and her... they just up and left. Left no note, nothing."

His voice broke at the next statement, "to this day, I have no idea why they left Charming so abruptly or where they went."

Hello, my fellow shippers :D It's been a few months, I know, but here's another chapter of the thrilling saga (if I dare say so myself ahahah) of Heartlines aka WTF happened with/to Tara. It's literally the longest chapter I've ever written for any of my stories, slightly more than 5000 words! Whaaat?! I can't believe it myself. So read on and comment, tell me which part of the chapter was your favourite, what shocked you, if anything shocked you, are you looking forward to more etc

I'm currently in process of writing an update for Dreams so be on the lookout for that one.

Till next time, xo