Tonight there was a Death Eater meeting, and Voldemort was getting ready. Nagini was lying on the bed while the dark lord fretted over which robes to wear.
"Nagini?" he turned to the snake, "Which one do you think I should wear? The ebony one or the midnight one… or perhaps the black one?"
"Well what look are you going for? If you're going for sinister, you should keep it simple and wear the black one." the snake said.
"I don't know if I want to go with sinister…" he frowned slightly, "The midnight one says, obey me. I think I need a bit of 'obey me'."
"Then wear the midnight one," if snakes could roll their eyes, Nagini would have.
"I will then…" he put the robes on over his Slytherin boxers. He inspected himself in the mirror and frowned slightly, "Nagini… these robes look stupid."
"They look fine." The snake said apathetically.
"No look, they poof out here- Look- See that? - They make me look fat." He poked his stomach, frowning slightly.
"You aren't fat. You are the gangliest bugger I know."
"Nagini! Language!" he turned to the snake, still frowning. The snake gave him a look. "Don't give me that look!"
"What look?" the snake maintained the look.
"That look! It's rude." Voldemort put his hands on his hips, "You know I have body image issues!"
"Really? Are we going to go there?" snakes really need to be able to roll their eyes.
"I mean look at me Nagini! I don't have a nose! Do you know how hard it is to keep my head held high when I know that I'm deformed?" he began to pace the room. "I was attractive, you should have seen me. I constantly had girls fawning over me, now I can't even go out without people running in terror."
"That probably has more to do with the hundreds of people you've killed." The snake said, sounding less than sympathetic, obviously having heard this all before.
"When I was a man though, I could sway people, I was charismatic, I was handsome, I could wear sunglasses on bright days! Do you know how uncomfortable to go out in the sun and not be able to wear sunglasses?"
"I can't wear sunglasses either, you jerk."
"But no snakes wear sunglasses," Voldemort said, whining slightly.
"No enigmas wear sunglasses either." The snake shot back.
"What do you mean enigma? I'm hardly an enigma." The dark lord was frowning slightly.
"Yeah you are. You're a mystery, a paradox, a riddle-"
"A what!" Voldemort bellowed, cutting Nagini off, "What did you just call me!?"
"A mystery? A paradox? A- oh… right." Nagini sighed, knowing that another rant was on the horizon.
"You know I hate that word! That filthy word! But you went and used it so casually, like it doesn't mean a thing." Nagini shot him a look which didn't seem to deter him in the least. "You never think about my feelings, its always all about you! Nagini wants dinner, Nagini wants to go for a walk, Nagini is too tired to terrorize muggles. You know, I'm getting tired of it. What about my needs? I have needs too!" he was all worked up. Nagini let out a sigh and slithered off the bed, heading for the door, obviously not wanting to argue.
"Where are you going?" the dark lord snapped,
"You need to calm down. Honestly, you're getting yourself all worked up over nothing. Take a while to get yourself together, and then we can talk." The snake pushed the door open and began to slither out.
"I should kill you for leaving me! That's what I do to deserters, you know."
The snake turned and looked Voldemort in the eyes, "We both know you wouldn't do that… I'll be back later." And with that the great snake slithered away leaving Voldemort to gather himself.
"Stupid animal… I don't need her anyway. I'll show her that I'm a strong, independent mastermind, who doesn't need their pet snake to hold their hand… if snakes had hands… damn it!" Voldemort said.
He huffed and changed into the black robes with more force than necessary.
The black robes reflected his mood better than the ebony or midnight one's ever could.
.
Stay tuned for the stunning conclusion… Will Voldemort and Nagini be able to reconcile their differences? If either of them had hair there would be a dramatic hair flip here.