Disclaimer: As much as I'd love to say I own a piece of Edward or any Cullen for that matter, I can only dream. All characters and everything else belong to Stephenie Meyer. May our fan stories inspire her to finish Midnight Sun!
A shout out to sillybella, whose story "Attention, WalMart Shoppers" was the inspiration for this tale. Thanks for the "details" added to Chapter 3!
AN: So based on the reviews I've been getting, I decided this chapter deserved a little more "meat" (pardon the pun). That meat came in the form of more discussion between the Cullens about the movie. I highly recommend you see "Fast Times at Ridgemont High" if you haven't already – it's one of the funniest 80's teenage sex angst movie ever. Or at least Emmett and Jasper think so.
Chapter 4 – Who's in love with Phoebe Cates??
"Quick, mask your thoughts!" Alice hissed at Rosalie. Thankfully I didn't have to oblige. Yet again I was eternally thankful Edward couldn't read my mind, or he would have likely either killed his sisters or kidnapped and taken me as far away as possible from his entire family. Maybe being kidnapped wasn't such a bad thing if it got me away from my sex-crazed sisters.
Alice's face suddenly went rigid, then her eyes seemed to bug out of her head. "Oh no!" Did that mean we were already busted? Was Edward on his way upstairs? "We need to hide!"
"Not so fast." Jasper and Emmett appeared in the doorway, smiling devilishly at us. "Well ladies – what do we have here?" Their entrance was actually worse then getting caught by Edward. I cringed as Emmett ran and sprung onto the bed, almost knocking Alice off when the mattress bucked under the impact of his massive weight. He scooped me up and gave me the mother of all bear hugs.
"So is it Bella's turn for Sex Ed 101?" he hollered back to Jasper. My ears rang from being much too close to his booming voice.
"How did you…" Alice murmured, still wide-eyed and frantic. She was clinging to the edge of Edwards's bed, looking first to Emmett, then to Jasper.
"What else could all of those boxes of lingerie lying on our bed possibly be for? You already own an entire closet full." Jasper shook his finger at Alice as he approached her. "You girls are downright scandalous!" I had never heard Jasper so exuberant.
"And we like it!" added Emmett jubilantly, releasing me from the hug and smacking the bed with his palm.
Rosalie darted across the bed and grabbed him by the jaw, her face inches from his. She seemed to be saying something to him, but so softly I couldn't hear. Judging by his expression, she was not telling him she was glad to see him.
"Where's Edward?" I asked cautiously. The kidnapping idea kept sounding better and better.
"Running some errands," Jasper said off-handedly as he threw himself onto the bed in a much too graceful way. He landed at Alice's side and glanced up at her, smirking wildly.
"Should we be expecting him soon?" Rosalie hissed as she continued to stare daggers at Emmett.
"No, we've got at least a good hour before he's due back," replied Jasper as he casually lounged on the bed, winking at Alice.
"You guys watching a movie?" Emmett had broken free of Rosalie's grip and he leaned over her to grab the forgotten remote, pressing play.
My face turned twenty shades of crimson as the cued up lunchroom scene began. I sat frozen on my own little corner of Edwards's bed, praying that none of them would notice me. I began to formulate my own disappearance since the kidnapping option seemed out, but then I remembered Alice would see my plan before I could even think about executing it.
"Hey, it's Fast Times at Ridgemont High!" Emmett exclaimed. He glanced back at Alice and Jasper. "This is an awesome movie!" The dialogue suddenly caught his attention and commanded his gaze back to the TV. "Wow, it's even cued up to one of the good scenes," he noted.
"I prefer the pool scene myself," Jasper added. I glanced over to see that his head was now comfortably resting in Alice's lap, her arm draped over his shoulder.
"That's good too, but this isn't bad." Now Emmett was scooting towards Rose, using her as a backrest. "Hey Bella, you should be paying attention. Phoebe Cates has mad skills!" I saw Rosalie smack him playfully across the head, but he didn't seem to mind. Emmett glanced up at her and sneered as he grabbed her wrist and pulled her closer to him.
I debated what was worst – the ongoing jokes about my impending journey into womanhood with my very experienced future sister-in-laws, or sitting on my fiancée's bed, without my fiancée but with my future brother and sister-in-laws while watching this particular movie.
"Emmett, throw me that remote," Jasper said as the notorious lunchroom scene ended.
"Lucky you, Alice. Jasper sure does have a wicked crush on Phoebe Cates, doesn't he?" Rosalie taunted as Emmett tossed the remote over her head and into Jasper's eagerly waiting hand.
"Jasper, don't skip all of the other scenes! There's still some good stuff in here for Bella to watch," Alice chided, apparently ignoring Rosalie's comment.
Rosalie turned to look at me. "You said you've watched this movie before, right? I seriously think Edward has more insecurities then pathetic Mark Ratner."
"Yes, but remember, Mark got Stacy in the end!" Alice sang.
"And yet he still didn't score, even with Mike's help," replied Rosalie.
"Does that make me Mike Damone?" Emmett questioned.
Jasper snorted. "Emmett, you couldn't be as smooth as Damone if you stole every last one of his pickup lines. You're much more like Spicoli, minus the drug-induced stupor of course."
Alice giggled. "And don't forget, Mike had his way with Stacy before she hooked up with Mark."
"Ugh, that's just wrong Emmett." Jasper pretended to gag as he continued to skip through scenes. "Edward would kick your ass if you even thought about Bella that way."
"Whatever you say, Brad," Emmett retorted, hurling a pillow at Jasper. "Been caught in the bathroom much?"
"Please don't tell me you've walked in on him…" Rosalie's eyes grew wide in horror.
This time it was Alice who chucked a pillow at Rosalie. "Of course not! Why would he ever need to resort to that when he has me!" It took me a few seconds to catch up to everything that had been said since the reference to Edward's likeness to Mark Ratner. Once I figured it all out, I groaned loudly as more disturbing visuals flashed in my mind.
"What's wrong Stacy?" Emmett joked, smiling viciously at me.
"Hey Alice, don't forget to throw a copy of Led Zepplin IV into Bella's luggage for the honeymoon," Rosalie said before turning to me and giving me a knowing look. "Great mood music."
"I wonder if there's any classical versions of that CD. You know, like Metallica's S&M disc?" wondered Emmett. "Edward doesn't really dig the whole 60's rock scene."
"Enough!" Jasper had finally finished fast-forwarding to his favorite pool scene. "I can't hear the movie!"
"Turn it up," suggested Emmett.
All four of them were instantly glued to the screen, ignoring me once again. I stared at the comforter, studying the patterns and trying to pick out the individual colored threads. I was desperate to do anything to distract myself from the full frontal nudity and wild sexcapades in the pool changing house that danced across the screen.
"I'm not sure I agree with that statement," Jasper commented softly, seemingly out of the blue. I had actually succeeded in tuning out the movie for several minutes, and didn't catch what he was referring to. I glanced over and noticed that all four of them were still completely engrossed in the movie, even Rosalie & Alice.
"Whatever." Emmett replied. He twisted so he was now half laying on top of Rosalie, yet looking back at Alice and Jasper. "She's actually right. You guys should try it." My jaw started to gape as I realized what I was hearing. "Worked for Rose," he said off-handedly. Rosalie smacked him again, this time on the chest. "Hey, I'm kidding!" He snapped his teeth at her in a mock bite, then pulled her down towards him, biting her for real this time.
"Bella, this is a prime example of what not to do," Jasper said much too seriously. My horrified stare moved from Rosalie and Emmett over to him. "Have some couth with poor Edward. You'll give him a heart attack if you do that." He motioned towards Emmett and Rosalie, who were now oblivious to the rest of us as they continued to paw at one another. "Less is always more." Jasper glanced lovingly at Alice, as she reached down to run her fingers through his hair and brush her lips against his.
Not them too! I tried to look away. Now I was surrounded by four very affectionate vampires, while watching a blush-worthy movie, and while sitting on my fiancée's bed without my fiancée. Could this get any worse? I closed my eyes and buried my head once again, wishing I were anywhere else in the world, even gym class. To drown out the deluge of graphic movie dialogue and Emmett and Rosalie's groans, I started humming the National Anthem to myself.
Just then I heard a loud gasp from the doorway. I could tell it wasn't Edward. I dared to open my eyes to see which of the remaining Cullen's had interrupted my torture session. It was Esme. She stared in horror at the five of us spread out on Edward's bed.