Camille stepped into the control room cautiously, not liking that even at home she felt was timid and unsure. There wasn't anyone she could blame, outside of the Alliance. And, maybe Mal. If he hadn't gotten so mad, if he'd just let her explain, maybe she wouldn't keep waiting for the next rejection from the next person. She already spent her life waiting for something bad to happen anyway, just, normally, she was able to pretend she didn't care.

Garrison was standing in front of a vid screen, drinking tea and watching a bunch of kids pound on Jayne in the gym. As yet, he was unaware of her presence, and Camille was glad that he wasn't a psychic. Like Mal, Garrison was a sensitive, but unless she made her presence known, she could probably stand and watch him for some time before he noticed her. In the past, when they'd been together, she'd often done that, just hung back watching and wondering how she'd gotten so lucky as to earn his love.

She crossed the room to him and took her place at his side.

He continued to watch the monitors. "Hello, Camille."

"Hi."

"How are you feeling?" He turned away from the screen to look at her.

Now the focus of his undivided attention, Camille felt her cheeks heat. She had to drop her eyes and she felt stupid and weak, but this man did things to her. "Better. A lot better." She licked her lips and forced herself to look back up. "How are you?"

"I'm fine. Busy. Worried." He sipped the tea and looked over at her. "I feel much better now that you are back and safe."

She warmed at that happily. "And, um. The others?"

"Everyone checked in one time and are on their way. We should have a full house within the next few days. Save, of course, for those that fell." He frowned and rubbed his chin meditatively. "I was thinking we should have a service for Trinity and Asher," he said, naming the two kids who hadn't made it. "Do you think either one of them would want a shepherd to read?"

"Asher probably would have." She took his tea and finished it off. "Trinity wouldn't have cared either way. She wasn't... she wasn't like Prophet and me in that way. Angry at it all. I mean, she was, but I think she still believed in God."

"Do you mind if I ask Shepherd Book, then?"

Camille shrugged. "It'd be fitting. He was as much a tool of the Alliance as any of us."

"Very well, I'll ask." He reached out and fingered the ends of her hair. "I'm worried about Prophet."

"Me too. He's so hurt by losing Trinity. He doesn't want to visit River. And he feels a little… self-destructive."

Garrison nodded. "I've had him with the psychologist since Trinity died, but Prophet is just giving her the runaround. You know what he's like when he doesn't want to talk; nothing in the 'verse can make that boy make sense. At least now he's communicating with others. He hasn't spoken to anyone but Dr. Aranki or me since Trinity. I think he was waiting for you."

"Yeah." She looked at him. "He's with Simon now. That worries me."

"Why?"

"He won't visit River, but he's latched onto the man who gave up everything to get her out. Everyone is kind of thinking of Simon like this hero. They love him because he was willing to do that and resent him because none of their family did."

Garrison raised an eyebrow. "How do you feel?"

"I like him. He and I bonded pretty quickly. I reminded him of River and he… he's Simon. But others are going through issues right now."

"How bad do you think these issues will be?"

She shook her head and shrugged. "Not too. I don't think, anyway. I think it's something that we need to talk about as a group. Maybe we can sit down with Simon and River, too." Camille looked at him from the corner of her eyes. "Of course, it'd help most of them to know what was going on with their parents. I find it really hard to believe that so many parents just didn't give a damn about what happened to their children. Even if they didn't find out about the experiments, they must know by now the kids are missing from school."

He sighed and rubbed his eyes wearily. "I know. I know it would help, but the fact is, I don't know why. Not in each case. I know there was a lot of coercion and threats that happened and it was safer for most people to give up on their children. Some are dead. A few were dead before, and some really simply don't care."

"All of us kina feel worthless sometimes," she said.

"And what has you feeling so worthless right now, xin ai?" Garrison asked, turning to face her.

Camille pressed her palms into her eyes, fighting back tears. "It's hard to explain. I don't want to explain. I was just so dead after almost being caught, I didn't feel real. I still don't quite feel real."

Garrison's arms came around her, pulling her into his chest. He stroked her hair, sending off waves of comfort and love that should have made her feel more at home than it did. "This will pass, Camille. I promise. Things will get back to normal for you. That's one benefit of being home."

"Yeah." She wasn't sure if she believed it.

"I know things will be hard once we start working on River," he said, misinterpreting or overlooking the real reason for her doubt. "And I know that you'll never quite get over the loss of Trinity. But the world isn't ending."

Camille snorted and raised her head. "Really? Then why does it feel as if you're preparing for a scatter?"

"Well." He winced. "We might have to. There's every possibility that the Alliance is honing in on our location."

"You love this world."

Garrison nodded. "I do. But I love you all more, and your safety is more important." He traced her cheek with his thumb. "If we do scatter, I want you and Prophet to stay together."

"All right."

"And I'd like you to go on Serenity, with River."

Camille made a face. "We might not be welcome."

"Why not?"

Uncomfortable, Camille untangled herself from his arms and stepped away. Wrapping her own arms around her tightly, she said, "I'm not Mal's favorite person. He didn't appreciate being lied to, you know."

"Why didn't you tell him who you were after you knew about River?"

Camille shrugged. "I didn't want him to look at me any different. They all treat River like a fragile little girl. I hate that…" She stopped talking.

Garrison sighed and put his hands on her shoulders. Squeezing gently, he said, "You are one of the strongest young women I know, Camille. The Alliance didn't break you. They changed you, diverted you, perhaps, but you aren't broken. You can never be broken."

"I was an experiment. They meant me only to live to kill and fight and die."

"And you managed to break out of that mould."

"Because of you. Because of this." She touched the monitor. "It doesn't have anything to do with me."

"It does. Without your strength of will, you wouldn't have survived," Garrison said firmly. "Too many of you have died at the hands of or because of the Alliance experiments. Those that have survived have souls of steel. You're made of something different. Something to be proud of."

"Well it scares me," she replied. "I want to be normal."

"You never were normal, bao bei. None of you were. You were always destined for a greater life than that of the average person." He ran his fingers lightly over her face in the gentlest of caresses. "You just need to give up your resentment of what happened so you can live that great life, wherever it takes you."

Camille rolled her eyes and turned away from him. As she left the control room, she said, "The only thing you were better at than sex is meaningless platitudes, Garrison."

"And the only thing you are better at is hiding behind your fear," he said mildly.

She thought about sticking out her tongue at him or punching or kicking. Instead, she lifted her chin and stormed out of the room.

Damn him. Damn him for always knowing what words cut right through her. Because he was right and she knew it. She was scared. She'd always been scared of changing and life and everything. She'd grown up listening to her parents talk about her great future and how she had so many possibilities and so much potential to fulfill and it had been frightening. What if she failed? What if she never did anything great? What if they were wrong about her?

Garrison had let her go so she could find love with someone right for her. On the one hand, she was resentful because she hated that he thought she needed him to think for her. She was an adult and she knew what she wanted. She wanted him.

On the other hand… What if she never found anyone else? Or, worse, what if she did?

And, worse than that, what if she already had?