Chapter 4- Intervention
Tank drove me home silently. I stripped off my clothes in favor of shorts and a t-shirt and fell asleep as soon as my head hit the pillow. When I woke up I heard noises in my living room, many voices. Oh great who broke into my apartment this time:? I went to the bathroom and then went out into the living room. Everyone stopped talking and turned to look at me.
I looked around to find Connie, Grandma Mazur and my mother on the couch. Sally Sweet, Randy Briggs, Lula and Mary Lou sitting on chairs they had taken from the kitchen. On the floor were Valerie and Mooner. "What in the hell is going on here?" I asked
"This is an intervention." Lula explained as she reached for a donut. There were boxes of donuts on the small coffee table in front of the couch.
Mary Lou got up and motioned for me to come and take her chair. "Sit down and I will get you some coffee."
"You all know I am not an alcoholic and I am not on any drugs right?" I said confused at all of this.
"This is a love intervention. We are all tired of you not having a steady man and think you need to make a decision." Randy Briggs spoke first.
"Oh really?" I laughed as I took the coffee from Mary Lou
"This is serious Stephanie and we are all here to help you." Valerie said with a smile.
"This is insane. I know my love life sucks and it's confusing but how are you all going to help me? " I asked taking a big gulp of hot coffee and immediately feeling it burn my tongue.
"Okay we are split up into two teams. Team Officer Hottie and Team Batman. We are even except for Sally who is undecided." Lula informed me. I looked to Sally and he gave me a wave.
"Let me start first. I am Team Officer Hottie. Joe is perfect for you in every way. He is not a typical Morelli man. He has changed for you. He has a nice house and a respectable job. He wants to marry you and you will be so happy because he would never sleep around on you. Everyone is talking about you still being single and he won't wait forever." my mother began as I took a donut.
"I am Team Batman. You are so lucky to have a sexy man like Ranger in love with you. I am sure with his words he may never say it. But girl he looks at you like you are lunch. His ass looks more tasty than any donut on this table." Connie spoke as she fanned herself.
"For me it's Officer Hottie all the way. Steph you have known him forever and even though you had your ups and downs you know how much he loves you. Look how he is getting settled into a house. Definitely husband material." Mary Lou spoke between bites of her donut.
"Hang on there. The Batman is capable of settling down. Look at all of the things he does for you. He shows you his love all the time. He may not scream it like some yelling and screaming Italian but he shows you in actions. He started as a bounty hunter and now basically he is a business mogul." Valerie spoke as she nodded.
"Officer Hottie team over here. He let me stay at his house when I needed a place to stay. He is kind to your friends." Randy added as he got up to get coffee.
"I think Batman is hot. He moves like a jungle animal and after seeing him naked I don't know how you can even let him get out of bed and leave the house . If I was with him we would just lay around naked all day. Did you know the body is 90% water? Every time I look at him I get thirsty." Grandma said with a huge smile across her face. Everyone exploded with whoops and whistles.
"I think Officer Hottie is a real cool guy. Love his dog and if I was into guys I would definitely choose him." Mooner spoke from the floor.
"Think of all of the times Batman saved you. And the cars! He may say he doesn't want a relationship but you are already in one with him, even if neither of you can say it. Damn every time I look at his body I wish I was Alice because his body is a wonderland I wouldn't mind exploring. " Lula exclaimed as she grabbed a donut.
"Okay let me get this straight. I am assuming Officer Hottie is Morelli. And mom, Mary Lou, Randy and Mooner want me with him." They all nodded as I leaned forward and quickly helped myself to another donut.
"and then Batman must be Ranger. His team is Valerie, Connie, Lula and Grandma?" I asked when they all nodded. "This is insane." I shook my head.
"I think they are both hot and both love you. I can see why you haven't picked one. I mean Morelli has a tight ass but Ranger's ass is so hard you could crack a walnut on it. I am not even into men and I can see it." Sally said with a sigh.
"It's like Batman is a superhero but not a good boyfriend. He has to keep his secrets and can't let you into his heart because he's Batman. He does have all of those cool toys but he's married to his job. He has to protect us all." Mooner said staring off into place.
"He is her hero though. He protects her and puts her above no other. How many times has he saved her life? We wouldn't even be here talking to her if it wasn't for Batman." Valerie reminded.
"Morelli may have moved into a house and gotten a dog, but he is a Morelli man. He will eventually go back to the ways of the men in his family. He will cheat on you and he will probably become an alcoholic." Connie spoke while nodding her head.
"No, he has changed. He is different from the others. Everyone knows he is a good guy now." My mother interrupted
"I don't know about that. I do know that anytime Batman enters a room I have to stop myself from humping his leg." Lula breathed out.
"Morelli is sexy as hell and we know he is amazing in the bedroom." Mary Lou nodded.
"Yeah, that's right everyone knows about Morelli and his conquests. We all know he's hot and has a way with women, and no one is saying different. But...Ranger! Well, damn he is Batman. I have never seen him look at anyone like he does Steph. No one knows about him because he doesn't need to brag." Connie added "He is a gentleman, just like Bruce Wayne."
"Okay, let's make this real easy." Lula said as she stood up. She went behind the couch and pulled out a giant dry erase board. It had Batman written on one side and Officer Hottie on the other with questions in a column down the middle.
"This is crazy. I can't believe this is even happening. It's like I am having a nightmare." I shook my head.
"Oh, it's happening." Lula smiled. "We are about to make you the happiest woman in the world. You will know exactly who you want before this day is through"
Mary Lou spoke up as Lula leaned the board on a window sill. "We ask the questions and you answer who it applies to and we will check it off."
"First one, sex" Connie said "Who do we check for the best?"
"I'm not going to answer that." I said with an eye roll
"You're going to answer them all. We have all night to sit here. No one is leaving until we fill this damn board." Briggs said as he slid ff of the chair and got a donut.
"Fine, check both." I announced as Lula put a check mark on both sides and I sat on the floor.
"So really neither are better than the other?" Mooner asked.
"It's not like that." I tried "It's like comparing donuts."
"Damn, that's hot!" Lula shook her head "Jelly, Boston Creme, Glazed, Chocolate Frosted, sugar coated mmmmmmm"
"Let's move on. Marriage material?" My mother asked.
"Joe" I answered quickly. Then I thought about the time Ranger said he considered marrying me.
"Supports you." Valerie chimed in next.
"Ranger" I decided. He always encouraged me and backed me up in everything I did.
"Shows his love for you" Mooner spoke next
"That's a tough one." I admitted
"Easy for me. Morelli puts his arm around you anytime he is next to you." My mother smiled
"He isn't showing love he is marking his property." Grandma Mazur added "like a dog"
"Geez, he doesn't piss on her!" Randy said making everyone laugh.
"Well Ranger loans her cars like they mean nothing to him." Valerie smiled
"Just like she means nothing to him." My mother countered.
"Ranger is my answer" I answered after thinking for a moment. The cars, the jobs.
"Respectable job." My mother said with a smile
"Wait! That depends on who you talk to. Respectable to who?" Grandma Mazur
"Everyone respects a cop" said Mary Lou
"Ranger is respected everywhere." Connie countered
"Not in the Burg." added my mother
"Joe" of course people respected him and his position with the Trenton PD
"Protects you and makes you feel safe." Valerie had her turn.
"Morelli lives the motto of protect and serve" Randy noted
"Serving half the Burg" Connie muttered
"Ranger" I answered quickly.
"Has a stable life." Mary Lou spoke next
"Define stable." Sally insisted
"A house, a dog, a good job and a good family" explained my mother.
"Cars, successful career, offices in several major cities." Valerie interjected
"uhmmm Joe" I sighed.
"How about clever or smart?" Sally Sweet asked
"Both" my voice was low and I was getting tired of these questions.
"Hot?" Grandma Mazur asked
"Morelli" Mary Lou answered
"Wait! I know you think he is Officer Hottie, but is it because you are comparing him to the other guys in the Burg? I think Ranger's body oozes sex, his hotness goes international!" Connie drooled a little
"How do you ooze sex?" Briggs asked and every woman snapped their head to look at him.
"You just do." Lula explained
"Both" I answered
"How about dependable?" Mooner asked
"Morelli of course." Briggs spoke up.
"What? Have you forgotten always saving the day? This is freaking Batman we are talking about." Valerie interjected
"Joe is dependable because he will be a good dad and husband." My mother nodded
"Ranger is dependable to provide a loaner car," Sally said
"Joe is dependable to not run away." Mary Lou added.
"Ranger is dependable to ruin you for all other men." Lula spoke up
I thought for a second "Ranger"
"Funny? Good sense of humor."Mooner suggested
"Morelli" I answered quickly
"Kindness? That is important." My mother added
"hmm...I guess Joe" I announced thinking about all of the times he had let me stay at his house and took care of Rex or random people I would bring over. I aso never suspected anyone would accuse Ranger of being kind.
"Generous." Briggs read the next one.
"Ranger" I said thinking about the cars.
"Honest?" Sally asked for the next one.
"Well, Ranger keeps things from me. So I would say Joe, but then he didn't tell me when he had Dickie staying at his house. How about neither?" I reached for another donut and Mary Lou refilled my coffee.
"Respects who you are." Lula reads.
"JOE!" My mother nearly shouted
"Are you crazy? He wants her to be a housewife. He wants her to change to be what he wants." Connie told her
"No, he just wants her out of danger." Randy defended
"It's who she is, not who she should be or who anyone wants her to be." Valerie said looking at our mother
"Ranger" I said with a smile.
"Humble?" My mother asked.
"Where did you get these things?" I asked
"These are important traits in men." Valerie stated "The internet says so."
"This one should be cocky." Sally rolled his eyes.
"I have seen him naked, I know that Ranger has a nice..."Grandma began
"MOTHER!" my mom yelled "COCKY! Meaning they think they are confident. Turn up your hearing aides."
"I think they are both great." Grandma Mazur said raising her eyebrows.
"Humble?" I answered with a sigh "Both"
"Knows how to control his temper." Connie smiled
"That's obvious, Ranger" I told her
"Wait! Joe works hard on controlling his temper at work and around his family." My mother nodded
"He has a lot of patience for his nieces and nephews." Mary Lou reminded me.
"You are both on something. Anytime Officer Hottie thinks our Stephanie is doing anything he doesn't like he is yelling and screaming and waving his hands around" Lula shook her head
"That's true." Valerie agreed
"Promising future" My mother said skipping ahead "Joseph of course!" she smiled
"Future alcoholic?" Valerie asked
"Future cheater?" Lula asked
"At least he has a future the way Ranger lives he won't last long." Briggs added
"HEY!" I shouted
"Sorry." Briggs said looking down
"Joe" I answered, he has the house, the job and Bob.
"Great listener." came Grandma Mazur's voice
"Ranger" Of course he was a good listener. He didn't speak much.
"Close to his family." Mary Lou added
"Joe"
"Has close friends." Connie added
"Ranger. This is getting ridiculous." I scoffed with another eye roll
"Not afraid to show emotion." Sally spoke before getting up to refill my coffee
"Joe"
"Time to add this up and then we will see who is the perfect one for you." Lula announced "Let's see Officer Hottie has thirteen. Wow, that's high. And Ranger has..." she paused for a moment "Thirteen"
"That is exactly why I can't make up my mind." Sally shook his head.
"I am not choosing between these two. I am trying to figure out if I should follow my heart or my head." I tried to explain. "I really appreciate that you all came over to try to help me. I think my mind is absolutely fried after all of this."
"That's easy. Go with your head. Use your brain here Stephanie." My mother nodded
"You must follow your heart." Valerie smiled.
"I don't want to get hurt. I don't want to lose either one of these amazing guys as a friend. I am so afraid to choose wrong but I know that no matter what I do I can't go back and forth anymore." I got teary.
"Don' worry, you will figure this out and make the right decision." Sally said walking over to pat my shoulder.
"Let's give her some more time. We have given her the facts and told her how we feel." Mary Lou said standing up to go.
My intervention team stood and each of them hugged me on their way out the door. Many reminding me of their choice. Lula grabbed the rest of the donuts. Sally was the last one out the door. "Just be happy" he said.