CHAPTER 4

"Goodnight Mami, I love you." Sofia yawns as I tuck her into bed Sunday night. "I love you too Sofibug" I place a kiss on her forehead as her eyes droop shut finally surrendering to sleep. I leave Sofia's bedroom, and head down the hall to my own.

I'm not happy with my job. My unhappiness will manage to seep into my relationship with Arizona like it did before. And it's not only with Arizona, I have managed to ruin every relationship I have ever been in because I have been unable to see my own worth. I'm going to screw this up with Arizona yet again. I know myself. I know I will. So, what's the point in even trying anymore.

I know I am letting this monster I like to call anxiety get the better of me as I grab my phone to type Arizona a message; but the monster has its teeth sunken into me. I can't see past the thick fog my thoughts are now coated in thanks to the poisonous venom of doubt and worthlessness it's pumping into me.

I'm sorry. You will never know how deeply sorry I am for what I am about to say. I don't think it's a good idea for either of us to keep seeing each other. We have Sofia of course, but I don't think we should continue to start up anything romantic between us again.

Tears are rolling down my face by the time I hit send and watch the message be delivered. She reads it within seconds holding my breath I watch the three dots of her reply appear and disappear just as fast. I wait a couple more minutes but nothing comes through. A thudding knock at my front door sends a jolt of confusion through me. It's kind of late for anyone to be coming over not to mention that I don't really have any friends who would be coming over at this time.

A second knock comes a little louder this time, accompanied by a text on my phone from Arizona.

Callie, open the door damn it. If I knock any louder I'll wake up Sofia which I don't want to do, but I will if I have to because I need you talk to me. We need to talk about this.

Now it makes sense of course Arizona is the one knocking and now it makes sense as to why she did not reply to my message earlier. I type back a quick coming so that she doesn't knock again. The knot in my that started to form earlier in the night when these thoughts started to occur, tightens sending a new wave of nausea rippling through my body.

As I walk towards the door, I rehearse my part in this upcoming conversation. I've laid out all the reasons we can't work in my head. I anticipate her responses to the claims I am going to be making, and I come up with counterarguments for her rebuttals. All of these thoughts float out of my head, like a lot balloon drifting in the sky; when I open the door and take all of her in.

Blue orbs stare at me with a fierce intensity. The intensity I've seen before when she's in the middle of a complicated surgery. More is there though stuff I haven't seen since another life, but I still recognize them. Her love, her kindness, her compassion, her determination. Looking into her eyes in this moment seeing these emotions, I know two things. One there is no way I can possible win the argument I was prepared to have just a minute ago, and second, I'm glad I can't win the argument, because seeing her this vulnerably beautiful woman who has had every inch of my heart for the past decade.

"You can't do this! You can't decide something on your own and just magically assume I'll go along with it again. I've done that, and it didn't work we didn't work. Calliope I know what it's like to lose you. I've lost you more then once. Now that I have you again I refuse to lose you again. I'm not giving up on us again!" she pushes past me further into the apartment.

I shut the door too stunned to do anything else. "I'm going to make us some hot chocolate. We are going to sit down on the couch maybe watch some Catfish? While we wait until you're able to calm down and explain to me what's going on in that mind of yours that I love so much." Arizona walks over to me kissing my cheek, before she goes to the kitchen to start working on our drinks.

The thoughts won't stop coming, as I watch how comfortable and confident she seems in us tonight. She deserves so much better then I've given her. Maybe better then I can give her? Thoughts tumbling over one another sends me rushing to the bathroom, racing the bile rising in my throat.

I make it just in time kneeling down hugging the toilet as my stomach empties. I hear footsteps behind me, but I don't dare look up at her as she enters the bathroom. I feel gentle hands run over my back soothingly. We sit there for a while before I can find the strength to flush the toilet and pull myself away.

I'm leaning against the tub, and she scooches so that she is next to me sliding our fingers together. "What's going on Cal? Did you sleep with someone before I moved here? Are you pregnant again? Because if you are that's okay, I'm all in just like I was with Sofia. We always wanted to give her siblings anyways." She assures me brushing hair out of my face.

"I'm not pregnant but I can't do this! It's not going to work. I'm going to screw us up again! I'm going to hurt you again! I'm going to break us again!" My eyes burn when the tears start to crash out in violent shattering sobs.

I lean into Arizona letting the breakdown happen. Arizona holds me tighter with each shudder. Once my body aches from the sobs, and my face is hot and sticky from tears. I take a couple shaky breaths in trying to shake the last of these nerves from my system.

"You know you can't keep these anxieties to yourself it only makes them worse." Arizona breaks the silence that has fallen between us.

I reposition myself so that I can meet her gaze. "I know you're right. I've already put you and us through so much already. I didn't want to burden you with this too. I've already put you through breakups, and then of course that stupid custody battle which was all my fault by the way. I'm so sorry that I made us this." I lean back into her.

"Yes, the custody battle was all your fault and it put me through hell, but I made mistakes too in our relationships. We can't let the mistakes we both made in the past hold us back from the good we have now. I love you and you love me. None of the rest of it matters remember?"

I laugh at her words bringing back the memory of her moving my stuff back into our old apartment. "Who knows maybe the next time you give me that speech, you'll be able to add the that's my baby in there, part to it again. I smile up at her again. She leans down connecting our lips. The monster is still a presence in my head but kissing Arizona in my bathroom is able to quiet these thoughts for now.

AN CALZONA KISSING IN A BATHROOM FITTING RIGHT? I'M SORRY FOR THE LATE UPDATE A NEW SEMESTER HAS STARTED UP THIS PAST WEEK, SO IT'S BEEN A LITTLE CRAZY. THINGS ARE BACK ON TRACK NOW THOUGH. PLEASE KEEP UP THE SUPPORT! PLEASE REVIEW TELL ME HOW YOU GUYS ARE LIKING IT? HAVE AN AWESOME SUNDAY LOVELIES!

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