Hello again, soon isn't it? Well, I have already drafted the next two or three chapters and I like quite much how it is developing so maybe, just maybe, I will update more often.
Thanks to my new followers cindersnow21, ruby-bee and yumidragongirlluv.
Also, I called Belgium Bella because it was her name in the first fic I read about her, so I somehow identified her with that name but if you like better any of the other options, please, tell me. So, here it is, enjoy it.
Once again, silence. And the silence was deeper because there was a lot of noise. Noise from the laptop on my legs, from the TV, from the street, coming through the open windows. But none from us, we didn't make a sound. Sometimes it was oppressive. Sighing loudly, I opened the e-mail. Oh, finally. I had been waiting for the e-mail from the estate agent since I visited them two days ago. They were good news.
My phone beeped in my pocket and I twisted to reach it in my sitting position. It was a message from Bella. She was a Belgian workmate of mine, one I really got on with. One of the few, I thought bitterly. She was asking me to pick her up in my way to the company dinner. I agreed to pick her up at eight o'clock, that is, in two hours. I closed the laptop and went to the shower with the vague feeling of Lovi's eyes following me.
To my inmense surprise I had time more than enough to pick Bella up when I finished dressing. In the end, I chose a dark red tie, like the shirt Lovi was wearing in our first date. Of course I didn't expect him to realise it.
"How handsome" Lovi's strange tone made me turn around.
"What do you mean?" I asked.
"Well, it is just a business dinner, isn't it?" Lovi's voice was cold and unnaturally calmed. And it ennerved me. It reminded me all too much to his Brithish associate, always so composed and so hermetic. Lately, Lovi resembled him overmuch.
"Yes, I told you, it is very important" I believed I already knew where he was heading to.
"Really? Doesn't it have anything to do with your Belgian workmate?" He eyed me suspiciously.
"Lovi..." Here we go again.
"Don't call me Lovi when I'm angry!" He abandoned the cold pose.
"And when aren't you angry?" I asked acidly.
"Don't start again, Antonio, that's not what we are talking about!"
"Fine, Lovino, so what do you want to talk about?"
"You already know" Lovi spat dryly.
"What makes you think I like her, Lovino? Really, tell me, why do you suspect?" By then, I had the car keys and jacket already in my hands, ready to leave, but I dropped them on the coach. It was probably going to take long.
"Well, it is a fact that you aren't confortable in your office, that you don't like your workmates and they don't like you, and yet you are leaving an hour earlier when you just need thirty minutes to arrive" He was speaking so quickly and angrily I would have had problems to understand him had I not so much practice. Lovino continued, moving wildly his hands. "And almost the only one you are friends with in your office is, casually, a beautiful, too affectionate woman you hang out with and talk a lot on the phone to. You always smile when you speak about her and... fuck! When we argue you go to her, don't think I don't know that!"
"Lovi, you're exaggerating everything, it's not like that" I tried to calm him, to make him realise for the umpteenth time that I didn't like her, that I wasn't unfaithful. But he interrumpted me.
"Why are you going early?" He asked sternly.
"To pick up a friend" I answered reluctantly, the taste of defeat on my tongue.
"Who?" His eyes flared threateningly.
"Bella" Hit and sunk. For a moment I thought Lovino was going to explode. He was red with anger, his hands trembled and made tight fists at his sides, he looked like speaking and moving but wanted to say so much that not a word would come out of his lips. He was angrier than I'd thought. I've just seen him like that a handful of times.
"Lovi I-" I began.
"OUT!" He yelled at the top of his lungs. "OUT! I don't want to see you, go with the Belgian, or whoever, I don't mind! I don't want to see you again!" He shouted pushing me and pointed at the door.
"This is how you're going to be everytime I have a friend? Tell me! Because it's not the first time" I pushed back and he stood still. "I stopped seeing Gilberet and Francis for you, don't you remember?"
"That's not true!" Lonivo interjected. But I continued as if he hadn't said anything.
"And now I can't be friendly to Bella and do her a favour because you won't trust me despite the fact that I've never cheated on you"
"That's not what I mean" He retorted, but I didn't stop, I had lost control.
"Yes it is, that's what you do. You know what? Maybe I should get her laid so your hurtful accusations aren't false anymore!"
Silence. His face turned white and I inmediatly regreted what I said. "Lovino" I whispered cautiously, but he threw my jacket and keys at my face and slummed the door shut at mt my nose before I could say anything else. Infuriated, I went down the stairs nearly running, trying not to shout out of anger. But didn't succeed. Once at the hall I roared and punched the wall hard until my knuckles hurt and bled. Shit, why does he have to be so difficult and jealous? Why did I say that? I didn't mean it! So strange is it that I don't like Bella? Shit, shit, shit. Breathing heavily, I lied my head on the wall. Why can't he trust me? Why did I react like that? We've lived this same situation before...
Some days before Lovi, Feli and Ludwig were going to fly back to Italy, they met with Gilbert and Francis to have a coffee while I was at university. What I know of that moment is a reconstruction of what each of them told me afterwards. I don't know how the conversation started, but at some point Francis spoke. "What are you going to do with Tony now, Lovino? Are you going to keep a distance relationship?"
"That's not your business" He snapped.
"Don't brake our friend's heart, I'm too awesome to pick up the pieces, I'd get backache" Gilbert's grin and the ironic expression on his brows confussed Lovino.
"Yeah, he's pretty much into you, boy" Francis continued. "Yesterday he couldn't stop talking about you. I haven't seen him like this since... since that Chilean girl. What was her name?" Francis looked questioningly at Gilbert.
"It was something like... Marion or... María! María was her name" That crazy german answered.
"Yes, God, I thought we would have to kill her to get our friend back" Francis gave a small chuckle.
"Oh, don't forget the Argentinean from the gym, Raul"
"No, Tony said he loved him but we know he just wanted to get in his pants. If we have to talk about everyone he sweared to love but just had sex with we may as well stay here til tomorrow" They seemed to have forgotten about the little Italian, who felt terribly shaken by their conversation. He thought he love them... the young man thought.
"Pot calling the kettle black, man!" Gilbert punched playfully his friend on the shoulder, but suddenly remembered something. "Wow, wow, wow! And the guy from one of those Antilles little islands!"
"Who?"
"The child! Come on, we started calling him pederast after that!" Gilbert was leaning eagerly on the table.
"Oh, yeah, I remember now!" They eyed each other knowingly and laughed at some inner joke.
"He was a child? How old were they?" Feli intervened for the first time, voicing the question in Lovino and Ludwig's minds.
"No, not really" Francis answered fairly reassuring. "The boy was 15 and Tony 18. At that age the gap is quite of an issue but not enough to call him a pederast" The growing embrassement and anger of Lovino made him jump at the mention of the age gap and tried to finish with the subject.
"Are we going to keep talking about how Tony has fucked the whole map?" He spat annoyed.
"Of course, we've forgotten the Spanish!" Gilbert smiled wickedly ignoring Ludwig's hard looks and turned back to Francis, counting with his pale fingers. "There was Laura, Marta, Juan..."
"Eva, Alejandro, Álvaro..." Francis added. But Lovi had had enough. Glowing red, he got up nearly knocking the chair and stormed out of the pub. They called after him, especially Feliciano, who tried to follow him just to encounter Lovino's hard words. He refused to tell me where was he heading to when he run out of the pub like that. The first thing that reached me about the whole situation was a furious call from Lovino just when my class was finishing.
"¿Sí?" I answered Spanish style.
"Tony, I hate you!" Lovino shouted at the phone.
I felt like if something cold went down my throat to my stomach. "Lovi? What happens? What's wrong?" I was astonished. Just a couple hours ago we had been texting eachother and everything was fine.
"You're a liar! And I'm lost and, and..." Lovi was at the edge of hysteria.
"Wait, wait, wait, are you lost? Where are you? Who is with you?" Worry filled my voice.
"I'm lost, you dumbass, that means I don't know were I am. And I'm alone"
"Stay were you are, okay? Where did you parted from the others?" I was already in the car and had plug the phone to the free-hand devise.
"We were at that pub near Gilbert's flat where we met the day after the international" Lovi's voice was angry but less upset.
"Fine, what do you see around?" A little part of me mused about the possibilities of a traffic accident or a fine because I was paying next to no attention to the road.
"I don't know, flat buildings?" Lovi snapped.
I sighed. "Do you want to help me to find you or not? Move around, try to spot a shop or something"
"There is a fruit shop and a... an ice-cream shop with a white and yellow awning"
"Oh, good, stay there, okay? I'll be there in five minutes, please, don't move" I pleaded. Knowing his temper, he could as well start running now for the sake of contradicting.
"I won't move, I want to talk to you" After that, Lovino hung the phone abruptly. What the hell is going on?
When I arrived he was sitting on a doorstep. Before I could even park, Lovino got in the car and closed the door forcefully. "Are you alright?" I asked concerned, but he refused to answer and looked out the window frowning and arm-crossed. I didn't know where to take him so I just drove home.
My flat wasn't too big but it felt quite spacious. The cielings were high and only had three rooms: a bedroom, a bathroom and a huge chamber which held the hall, livingroom and kitchen. At the further end of that last room, the wall was almost non-existent in favour of a big window parted in sections which could be opened, letting a lot of light flood the room, doubly bright because of the white walls. The floors were wooden, a light shade of honey that seemed to glow golden with the sunlight, giving it a very mediterranean look even in the centre of Spain. Because I wasn't from Madrid, I was born and risen in Andalucía.
The kitchen section was on the left corner, right besides the entrance door. The row of kitchen counters sat along the wall and corner, like embracing the dinning table, which was just a little darker than the floor. Against the nearly-glass-wall in front, on the left too, a desk recieved the sunlight square. Next to it, there were shelves holding some text books and reading books. On the opposite corner, on the right, was the livingroom. The sofa was forest green and had the same structure as the kitchen counters with a coffee table instead of the dinner table. That arrangement left a wide free space in the middle that gave the room that air of amplitude. None of the furniture pieces were new or expensive, but neither were they old. After all, it was a student's flat.
Lovino, though, wasn't paying any attention to the flat. He had seemed almost -almost- calm during the car ride but now he was beaming anger again. He planted himself in the middle of the room and turned towards me.
"Who is María?" Lovino spat.
"What?" I knew many Marías, it is a very common name.
"The Chilean! And Raul, and Marta, and Laura, and Damián!" Lovi's voice was louder every time.
"I don't know any Damián" I said, still speachless and utterly confussed.
"You know what I mean!" Lovino was red with anger.
"T-They are people I went out with, but I don't understand what do you mean" When I said they were, indeed, former boyfriends and girlfriends -even if some of them didn't deserve such a serious name- Lovino went white and then very red. His hands were fists at his sides, he trembled from head to toe like he was about to explode. For a moment, I thought he was going to hit me.
Tears.
One tear and then another fell from his eyes. My heart broke. I stepped forward, not thinking anymore about the danger of a blow to my jaw, and engulfed him in my arms. He said a half-hearted 'no' and tried to push me away without much strengh. I ignored it and held him tighter against my chest, applying my lips to his hair. When I saw Lovino crying I sort of panicked. I've hurt him, no matter how, and I needed to fix it because he could run away and I would lose him. I just wanted to go back in time and avoid that situation, stop the time. Instead, I did something more feasible, I stopped him from leaving. He didn't hug me back but stopped fighting. When I was sure he wasn't going to flee, I loosened a bit and, slowly, rubbed his back with one of my hands soothingly.
"Why are you so angry at me, Lovi?" I whispered at his hair. My voice came out more husky and sad than I intended. "What have Francis and Gilbert told you?"
"About all those people" Lovino said grumpily.
"Is that what upset you?" In my mind I was colorfully cursing my friends.
"...yes..." He didn't sound as confident as when he was angry.
"But why? I have had other couples before, yes, but what does it matter? You have been with other people as well, don't you?" I felt Lovi breath deep and tense in my arms, bracing himself.
"You've gone out with so many people...What...?" His voice broke, but continued, speaking quickly."How can I know you won't forget me and pick someone else in the very moment I fly back to Italy? How many people you've said you love them too?"
Too many, I thought as an answer. But I haven't felt this way for none of my former affairs. Some old loves were strong too, but rather child like, not comparable. I moved my hands to his upper arms and pushed him away slightly so I could look into his eyes. "You are more important to me than all those people" I watched his beautiful hazel eyes scrutinize my face, maybe searching for lies. "I truely love you, and I don't know what I'll do when you leave". Lovi's face turned red for an entirely different reason and looked away. That characteristic of him surprised me since the very first time. Lovino was dark-haired and tanned. In theory, that would hide his rosy cheeks quite much. Me, on my side, I hardly ever had a visible flush for that reason. It was charming.
We stayed like that for a long time, in silence. It felt like Lovino was thinking hard about something. Without looking up to me, he stepped forward and timidly encircled me with his arms and buried his head under my chin. He muttered with an edge of annoyance "I love you too. More than I'd want to, bastard". I had told him I loved him many times before, but it was the first time he said he loved me. A sudden happiness burst in me and, laughing, I lifted him hugging him strongly by the waist. Of course, he protested and squirmed but I didn't mind. I was delighted.
That was the first time he doubted of me. When we parted in the airport days after, he warned me not to cheat on him. I thought he was joking, I didn't realise how jealous he was and that he truely thought I didn't really feel for him anything more than a whim, that I was always looking for a new couple to engross my list, that I was too flirtatious. When I realised that, I didn't know what to think. I was angry and sad and couldn't believe he had that image of me. I may have been inconstant, but I've never been unfaithful, that wasn't in me. Even as the time went by and he had no reason to keep that conception, Lovi didn't change his mind. This matter is still dangerous ground between us, and it became worst when we moved to Italy.
Lovino told me he felt betrayed that afternoon. He loved me and was willing to let me in, but after listening to Francis and Gilbert he thought I had fooled him. Betrayed, he has just felt betrayed again... Should I go back to the flat...? Shit no! I was always the one to ask for forgiveness. I have done nothing wrong! I have been thinking about Lovino non-stop for the last few days, I'm even wearing the red tie because of him. What makes Lovi think I am with Bella? I nearly ripped the tie off and threw it forcefully to the ground with a fresh wave of anger. I dig my hands in my hair. Why can't we be as loving and ready to forgive and understand eachother as before?
Asomaba a sus ojos una lágrima
y a mi labio una frase de perdón;
habló el orgullo y se enjugó su llanto,
y la frase en mis labios expiró.
Yo voy por un camino; ella, por otro;
pero, al pensar en nuestro mutuo amor,
yo digo aún: —¿Por qué callé aquel día?
Y ella dirá: —¿Por qué no lloré yo?
:::
There appeared in her eyes a tear
and on my lip a phrase of forgiveness;
pride spoke and dried her tears
and the phrase on my lips died.
I went my way; she went hers;
but when thinking of our mutual love,
I still say: "Why did I keep silent that day?"
and she'll says: "Why did I not cry?"
That is the XXX Rhyme by Gustavo Adolfo Becquer, a great Spanish romantic poet. That rhyme from his book Rhymes and legends fits the moment at perfection.
I was thoroughly tempted to change the general structure of the story while writing this chapter. I like Tony and Lovi together all too much and my friend friend Alejandro and I had a little argument. Finally, though, I decided to stick to the original plot so they will end badly (to my disappointment because it hurts me to split them up).
I made Antonio from Andalucía because most of the clichés about Spain have more to do with Andalucía than with Spain in general.
PLEASE REVIEW, LET ME KNOW IF YOU LIKED IT.