AN- Ok, so I have Loki having some flashbacks to his clandestine meetings with Frigga and those are indicated by "italics", in the same vein, time has moved forward a couple days, Odin's not come back yet and Loki has had a few days to ruminate on his "heritage" and continued compassion and understanding from Frigga is helping but some wounds can only be healed with time and acknowledgement.
Also, I am willing to open a bit of my personal life to you all, and offer you to follow and ill follow your Tumblr if you want. I post lots of fun stuff!
Thor knew he wasn't smart like his dear brother, or as magically inclined as his beloved mother, but what Thor Odinson lacked in smarts and magical ability, he made up for in his ability to love. He knew when things weren't right with his family, and he was determined to get to the bottom of it. In the same regard Thor had one (of many) flaw that made his newly acquired curiosity hard to focus on, he just so happened to be easily distracted, and it was this flaw that Loki often counted upon, and continued to do so at the moment.
In between Thor's inquiries about mother and his covert conversations over the last couple of days, Loki would follow the plan his mother had figuratively drawn up and bring up Jotunheim as often as he could without it looking contrived and Thor would go off on how angry he was at the Jotun's nerve of interrupting his coronation, and on and on. Even though with every mention of Jotunheim his blood would boil, he knew that he had to continue forward as best as he could. Every time the mention of his Jotun heritage came up by his own volition or Thor's he would become nauseated. Thankfully Thor believed that the expression on Loki's face was one of anger and disgust than his continued attempt to become accustomed to the idea of what he was. Thankfully every time the uncomfortable topic came into conversation he could hear his mother's voice in the back of his head warm and light,
"I know it might be hard for you, given the information I have given to you and I greatly apologize for asking you to do this my beloved boy, but I need you to keep Jotunheim fresh in Thor's mind. We need you and he to go to Jotunheim for the plan to come to fruition. While he can be selfish, arrogant and a bit short sighted he isn't ignorant. While you are a master at masking your emotions you and I both know that this will be all but impossible for you to keep masked completely and you and Thor have been around each other too long for him to not notice something is wrong. Please, be patient with him, he knew nothing of this plot and deserves none of your enmity. He loves you just as I know you love him, you are true brothers, in spirit if not in blood. Now don't give me that look young man, I am your mother and don't you forget it."
"What has that smile upon you face Loki? A wench mayhaps is dancing a merry tune in your mind?" A nudge from his "brother's" shoulder almost threw Loki off of the bench that they were occupying, but thankfully the same man put a steadying hand to stop it. "Sorry brother, sometimes I know not my own strength."
"It's of no issue….brother. I was lost in my contemplation about an upcoming lesson with mother that I will be attending." Loki almost visibly flinched at the narrowing of Thor's eyes at his unintended pause before the word 'brother'. While he could admit to himself that all of his acquired anger and bitterness should be directed, and rightly so, towards Odin, he had become comfortable over the last 700 years of vilifying Thor as the source of his problems and that habit was hard to break. Now even more so in the face of Loki's not being Aesir, and Thor actually being the only blood son of Frigga and Odin.
Loki was also angry because and only now could he admit to himself that most of his bitterness toward Thor was only from Odin deliberately favoring Thor over him. Making Loki feel lesser, as a son, a warrior, and an Aesir, because he wasn't like Thor and because of this Loki started to believe, that Thor must be better than him. Thor was the most praised, loved, treasured by Odin so in effect, if Loki wasn't treated the same way, there must be something wrong with him somehow. Now he knew the truth he could look back on those moments without the sadness and fear coloring his vision and know that it was Odin that wasn't good enough, not him.
As it stood though, Loki was unable to confront Odin at the moment for multiple reasons, and being around Thor Odinson (the only true Odinson he couldn't help the snarl that ripped through his head at this) was like continually picking at a wound that was trying to both heal and fester in equal measures.
With a sigh he turned his head away from Thor, who he could still feel looking at him, and jumped when he felt a heavy hand fall on his should so lost in thought he was. He turned his head to see a large calloused hand on the verge of painfully squeezing his shoulder and a face, big, dumb and concerned looking at him with big blue eyes. The same eyes that Frigga possessed. Loki couldn't handle it anymore and abruptly stood up shaking Thor's hand off of his shoulder, Loki immediately teleported himself to his room at the palace.
He knew that Thor would be coming for him, to check on him, strange as he had been acting lately. He is not surprised that even someone as normally self-centered as Thor noticed after a time. Loki just really needed some space, to sit and contemplate the last week and what it really means to him. Frigga had done her best to make him feel as if nothing had changed for her, not her feelings, or acceptance of him, but she had known about this his whole life.
Being alone and surrounded by the room he had grown up in, books and trinkets gathered over the centuries from battles and places explored with Thor, he couldn't help but think. Eventually, Thor would find out what he was and what he was not. He could admit only to himself, that he was truly afraid that Thor would disown him when he found out. How could he expect Thor to accept him, when he was having trouble even accepting himself?
Meanwhile, Thor startled as Loki all but blinked out of existence. He had never gotten used to that and he knew that Loki knew he didn't like it and did his best to tone down the disappearing act outside of battle. Where it was quite useful. So that Loki utilized it so blatantly after acting so melancholy made Thor curious and worried.
Finishing his mead he stood from his bench in the tavern and indicated for the barkeep to send his bill to the palace as per usual. Being who he was he was stopped many times by well-wishers and ladies wishing to flirt with the first born heir to the throne. While he enjoyed the attention generally, it was unwelcome when he was so distracted and wanting to go quickly. He felt that as the future King, he had an obligation to be more social and to mingle with the people he would one day rule, but secretly he was jealous of Loki, as he did not have such obligations. Loki was free to do as he wished, without the pressure of a crown over his head, and appearances to maintain.
He could roam if he wished, visit the Nine Realms and live life outside of Asgard should he wish. Thor had no such freedoms. He had his entire life planned out from birth, and while he was thankful for being so blessed, there were times he was worried about his future as King. Would he be a good ruler? What about the pressures and wars that would come during his reign? Would he be able to keep his kingdom let alone the entire Nine Realms safe and secure? And what if he should fail? What if he was known as the King that destroyed Asgard and brought shame upon his father and his family?
Everyone just saw the surface, the excitement, and exuberance that he felt they expected from him. While he felt those things, he felt confined and one dimensional in that he couldn't express his doubts and fears about the future, because if he did then people would think he was ungrateful or undeserving of the power he had been granted to protect them. He was responsible and he felt that weight everyday he woke up. It was one of the reasons he loved the mead halls, because everyone was so intoxicated that they weren't as perceptive as to look closer at him. He could let his guard down a little more if he were drinking and those around him were drinking as well. Loki was his brother, and he envied him his freedom, and that made him feel guilty because Loki didn't ask to be second born.
So he always tried to include Loki in his fights and battles, because he knew that Loki wasn't good at dealing with people generally. They didn't understand him and he didn't feel responsible for making them understand him, and Thor respected his brother for being so independent, but it was just another thing Thor was envious of, Loki wasn't obligated to have people like him or to like people the way Thor was as future King. This is one of the biggest reasons he needed to go to Jotunheim so badly, aside from making his father proud, he knew that the people of Asgard expected him to take care of the "threat" and soon. It was as he was closing in on the door of the mead house that he saw Sif enter. He sighed as her face lit up at seeing him and her eyes sparkled with mirth and good will. He admired the female for not only her looks and intelligence, but for her perseverance against all those who had ever told her she couldn't be a warrior and the fact that she wasn't bitter over the doubts of people.
Even himself, when they were younger he would tease and poke her about her want to be a warrior. Telling her that only males were supposed to fight and that she wasn't strong enough to battle with men and leaving her behind on them deliberately only for her to show up later like an avenging Valkyrie and not only keep up with them but was able to help them as well. The guys refused to admit to those parts, only choosing to focus on the times they would have to have her back and not when she more than had theirs. He could now admit that they were severely short sighted in not seeing her worth earlier and it humbled him, but again he couldn't show this because of his "image".
She was waving now in welcome and weaving her way towards him gingerly. He paused, prepping himself to let her know he was in a hurry, hoping she didn't ask why, because if he told her that he was going to check on Loki she would be disapproving of it. Her and Loki hadn't gotten along ever since that incident with her hair. She just couldn't or wouldn't understand that Loki had liked her and that was his way of getting her attention, but like usual he went too far and made things worse for himself. Causing young Sif to carry her enmity over the incident into general hatred and dislike of the darker God of Mischief. She kept most of her comments and feelings to herself because of his love for his brother, but she didn't care for him and she didn't care who knew it.
"Lady Sif, how fare you this eve?" Best to start the conversation with an inquiry into her well-being. Direct the conversation away from himself, a diversional tactic learned from none other than the god he was attempting to go visit.
"I am well, Thor. I just finished some chores and visited my brother for a while."
"Ah! Heimdall! How does he do?"
"He is his usual taciturn self. Constantly watching the Realms. Nothing new as usual, but I like to visit him occasionally to let him know that he isn't alone out there."
"Indeed, Lady Sif. He is truly blessed to have such a devoted sister such as yourself to watch over him as he watches over the Realms."
She started blushing, and it was quite becoming on her. The moments of seeing her vulnerability were few and far between, but when it happened he was quite enchanted by them. He unusual dark hair, piled on top of her head, and her dark eyes reflecting the night sky were perched atop apple cheeks of a beautiful warm pink. This moment of speechlessness on her part provided him the perfect opportunity to slip out with an excuse.
"I must apologize, Lady Sif. I am on my way to a meeting, but we will continue our conversation over mead again soon."
She only nodded her head quickly and stepped aside, and as he pushed forward with a nod of his own for her, he walked through the space where she had been standing. Her scent was still in the space she had occupied and he couldn't help the inhale of the deep, spicy scent. It was a heady thing, making his head spin, and he hoped she didn't notice his falter. He was mildly annoyed when he exited the building to the evening air, dissipating the smell quickly from his nostrils.
Using his long legs and strong muscles he pushed himself through the relatively empty streets quickly coming upon the palace much faster than usual the same for the trip to his brother's quarters.
Pausing before the doors, he took a steadying breath and raised his large fist and knocked upon the door heavily calling to his brother in a steady voice.
Even expecting the knock, Loki still jumped at the booming noise echoing through his vaulted ceiling room. Hoping that Thor would go away if he didn't answer he kept quiet, muffling his footsteps with a wave of his hand and made his way to the door separating him from his "brother".
"I know you are in there brother! We need to speak with one another. Please answer the door?"
Loki sighed deeply, knowing that no matter how much he wanted to talk to Thor, he couldn't, not without giving something away. He was too emotional at the moment. Even Thor would be able to see through him at the moment and he couldn't have that. Even if there weren't a plan to stick to, he wouldn't want anyone to see him so exposed, especially Thor.
"Go away Thor! I don't want to see anyone at the moment."
"Brother, please, just speak to me. Im sure that whatever is bothering you we can work through together! When we work together there is nothing we cant conquer."
Loki's breath caught at the emphatic entreaty. His eyes closed and the darkness behind his eyes only reinforced how truly alone he felt at the moment. Even with his brother not one foot away from him. His hand, almost against his will, raised to the thick dark door, and softly touched the warm wood. With another sigh he responded.
"Thor, I know it is not in your brutish nature but if you could respect my wishes at the moment for solitary reflection I would be most grateful."
At his brother's harsh words Thor knew for a fact that something was wrong. Loki only struck out like this when he was hurting, hitting the most sensitive parts of a person's insecurities to drive them away so that they did not see his vulnerability. Thor sighed at Loki's stubbornness even with his own brother, and turned around with his back against the door and slid to the floor heavily. His large head thumping loudly on the wood, bringing a bit of pain to him, but it allowed him to focus as well.
Loki heard the noises on the other side and shook his head with a smirk at the stubbornness of the older man. Thor just couldn't leave well enough alone, constantly wanting to fix everything and protect those he cared about. Refusing to acknowledge that he couldn't always do so. Even when Thor didn't even know what he was trying to protect Loki from or offering to help him with, he automatically assumed that he could do so, and Loki couldn't help but admire the tenacity and loyalty of the giant puppy.
Loki also slid down the door unknowingly mirroring Thor with his back against the door and head slumped forward slightly, knees against his chest. His hands came up in front of his face and his breath caught for an entire different reason this time. His skin was blue. A deep dark, almost black blue. With lighter swirling tribal marks, raised, almost like scars going all the way up his arms he saw as he raised his sleeves. It kept spreading like a disease and the tears in his eyes spilled when he looked up at the mirror across from him and saw the blue creeping up his neck until it finally reached his now blood red eyes. The tribal marks on his face as well. He was so much the same, and so very different at the same time. Same features, same hair, but his skin and eyes were changed.
This wasn't the first time he had seen his Frost Giant form. After his mother revealed who and what he was he asked for her to remove Odin's enchantment that concealed his true features. And she did.
She had made it to where he controlled his form now, and he had spent many days holed up in his room with every privacy enchantment he knew thrown over the room just staring at his nude body in the Frost form. Acquainting himself with his true self and attempting some form of acceptance. It was still a work in progress to say the least. He needed to see this right now. He needed the reminder of why he wasn't throwing the door open and rushing into his big brother's arms and telling him everything. For all of their rivalry, mostly on Thor's part, and their sniping at each other, mostly on Loki's part, in the end they still loved each other, and protected each other, and Loki wanted to be protected and told that no matter what Thor would still love him no matter what form he was in or what blood flowed through his veins.
But that would never happen, Loki knew it.
Loki knew if he were to reveal himself to Thor, he could just see the look of disgust in his brother's eyes in his mind, the nausea that would run through Thor at seeing his Jotun form. This made the tears fall from his eyes faster but even his grief was denied him in this form for as fast as his tears fell they were frozen and absorbed into his body and so the process repeated itself. The room slowly started to turn blue and icy in response to his colder state of being. Ice accumulating in ribbons on the floor, swirling and spinning into the darkest corners of the large room. He could see icicles forming on the posters of the four poster bed in the corner of the room, sparkling in the low lighted room like glittering daggers ready to fall and pierce whomever should be unlucky enough to be in their path.
Thor on his side of the door, the light was slowly leaking away from the deserted hallway, shrouding him in darkness. The same as his heart, the longer he went ignored by his beloved family. In more ways than one he was always ignored, everyone only seeing what that wanted to see from him, never giving him a chance to be himself. He wouldn't give up though, he refused to give up, talking to Loki through the evening, despite the silence on the other side. He continued recounting past exploits and battles that the brother's had participated in together. Pranks that the rambunctious boys would pull on the guards and their father. On and on into the night, Thor never once moved away from his brother's side no matter how uncomfortable he became. His bottom became numb about half way through the night and still he never moved.
In the end, two brothers, not in blood, but in spirit and heart, sit, with nothing more than a flimsy piece of wood physically between them, and at the same time, they are separated by an ocean of emotions and secrets all but ready to swallow them both and choke the life out of them in its abyss.
AN-I have not seen Frozen, but I have heard great things, and as such in having a Tumblr, I have seen the gifs and mashups of some of the scenes in the movie and they inspired some of this chapter. Let me know if you can tell which part. Lol
Also I really tried to do two things in this chapter. I tried to give Thor a depth that I rarely see in Loki/Jane fics, but I also wanted to keep him from being too OOC. I hope I hit what I was trying to do. I think I did, but I leave it up to the audience to decide. Let me know how I did on this endeavor please?