Their lunch was quiet. Both of them were lost in their thoughts. Even if the sadness had left Cristina's face, Burke knew her mind was still rambling on bitter memories. He had never pictured her as a happy teenager but her past seemed more painful than what he had first thought.
He felt helpless and was still mad at himself for ruining this perfect moment. They paid and were about to resume their walk when Cristina suddenly stopped. Burke glanced her an inquiring look but she started talking before he could say anything.
« You know, these aren't just movies. They are special to me."
Burke moved closer but remained quiet, waiting for her to go on. He had learned not to push her and to patiently wait she found the right words.
« In a different way that coffee is also special. I started to watch them because my father used to be a fan. »
« Oh, I see...… »
Burke was unsure what to say next. He wasn''t expecting her to open up. It was the first time she talked about her father. At the beginning of their relationship he had wanted to ask her but she had answered none of his questions. She had even pretended once she hadn't any father, only a step father. He had given up, convincing himself it wasn't important.
« So, you used to watch them together? »
« My father died when I was nine. I started to watch them alone when I was fifteen. »
The sound of the traffic was nearly covering her voice. They were facing in the middle of the hurried crowd, time seemed to have stopped. Burke was breathing slowly, trying to find the real meaning behind her words. There was regret and despair in her voice but also something brighter. Like expectation. Just a lighter note when she uttered the words « my dad ». Burke was disconcerted, public talk wasn't exactly Cristina's favourite activity but it seemed as if words couldn't stop flowing from her mouth.
« I have no memory of him. I just learned one day that he was dead. My mother never talked about him when I asked questions. I wasn't allowed to assist to the funeral. »
Her breath was jerky and her eyes were flickering but she had to do it. She wanted to do it. Cristina didn't believe in the power of confession until now but she wanted to give it a try. Because he always managed to turn bad into good. Because if someone could make the pain go away that was him. Because, as far as she could remember, for the first time in her life she glimpsed happiness.
« Why ? »
She could read so many feelings in his look at this moment that her will flattered. Wasn't she selfish for wanting him to share her burden ? Couldn't they just live the present and forget about the past ?
« Cristina… »
Once again he was here to steady her, to comfort her, to make her stronger just by saying her name.
« I want to know. You can't carry that by your own. I can help.»
It was like he was holding her into his hands, preventing her from melting away. She took a deep breath and felt his arms tighten their embrace. She was ready to tell the whole story.
« I didn't know him. I should have known him but my mother never talked about him. She never answered my questions and one day I stopped asking. »
She sighed, searching the strength to go on into Burke's deep eyes.
« I knew he called sometimes but my mother never let me talk to him. I grew up with the idea that he was somewhere in the world and that the day would come when I met him. It was just a question of patience. I was often angry he had left me alone with her. But most of the time I didn't think about him. He was just a ghost who was supposed to become real one day.»
Burke was holding his breath, afraid that even the smallest inspiration might stop her. He could feel his muscles aching as the pain in her voice infiltrated him. Every word she uttered echoed in his soul, punching him slightly.
« And then, something happened… »
It was as if they were connected. He could litteraly read her mind. He could feel every chill, every tension in her body, every stream of blood in her veins like it was his.
« Yes…He died. »
« I'm sorry baby, I'm so sorry… » He pulled her against his chest. She was this little girl who had just lost her father, shaking in his arms. He rocked her, slowly stroking her hair. Her voice was barely audible when she resumed to talk.
« I didn't see him. I didn't say him goodbye. Life just went on. It was like he had never existed for anybody. But I knew better. I knew I missed something. I knew that I could never have back what I had just lost. He had left forever this time and he had brought a part of me with him. How are you supposed to know who you are when you don't even know where you are from ?»
She was looking at him, her eyes throwing off sparks. Burke gave her a slight smile to blaze the fire under control. He could feel the incandescence of her feelings through the fabric. She was burning inside and he couldn't let her be consumed with anger.
« You are Cristina Yang. You are a smart and wonderful surgeon. You are the woman I love. »
She slightly opened her mouth to protest and utter a snappish remark. But these words were so powerful and genuine she couldn't help them to reach her heart. As their meaning filled her, her heart beat steadied, her skin cooled down and a smile appeared on her face. She was Cristina Yang. She was a smart and wonderful surgeon. She was the woman he loved. Her smile widened and she felt the tension of both their bodies drop.
« But I have not always been like that. I tried to live with that unknown part of me for a while. I just denied I needed it. Then a day, when I was fifteen I found a box in the attic with his name on it. It was full of VCR. The titles were carefully noted but I couln't recognize the writing. »
Her mouth felt dry, she wasn't used to talk so long. Burke deserved to know, she reminded herself, and he seemed to be right, he could help.
« It was my only link to him. I don't know what I was looking for but I spent nights watching them again and again until the tapes start to be damaged. At the beginning, I scanned every face hoping I would catch a glimpse of a familiar one. But quickly I gave up and simply enjoyed the movies. They were a part of his life, a part of him and they also became a part of me. That's it.»
« How did your mother react ? She must have been mad at you. »
Cristina smirked. Burke always guessed right.
« That's why I started to love my father. It pissed off my mother to see her little Beverly Hills daughter enjoy the « unwatchable ». It was a really good reason for me to go on. »
Burke grinned. His Cristina was back and she had opened a window on her life. He had always wanted to know things. Earlier in their relationship she didn't see the use of it. But today, she was the one who had insisted that he watched this movie with her. He realized now what it was about. It wasn't about the game or retaliation for the forced vacation. She had made him a gift. A present he knew was unique. Precious. Sumptuous. Just like her.
« Marry me»
She gaped in astonishement, her eyes flickering, her breath irregular.
« Marry me Cristina Yang »
« No, I should say no…. » She pressed a finger against his mouth as he was going to speak. His eyes were filled with disappointment.
« But you are the one who made me whole. You brought back the missing piece. And this piece is also a part of you. »
She pulled back her finger, slightly brushing it against his soft lips.
Feelings were overwhelming him. He couldn't think. He had heard the words. He couldn't simply believe such a bliss was possible. Had she just said what he thought ?
« So, is it a yes ? »
« Yeah »
They didn't move.They were like two magnets that couldn't drift apart. Lost in each other gaze, fingers intertwined, they were in the middle of the street, beaming at what they could read on the other's face. Their lips came closer but none of them rushed the kiss. The warmth of their breath was a caress on their skin. A promise for the future. Neither the walkers, neither the sounds of the streets existed when their lips finally met in a tender and ardent embrace. They were each other's world. They were each other's life. Nothing else mattered.