"Merlin!" Arthur's throat seems it's going to rip apart, he's shouting so loudly, but he can't bring himself to stop screaming Merlin's name. He shakes his servant, though he knows it's never good to shake an injured person. "Wake up!" Arthur yells, hardly noticing the tears in his eyes. "Merlin!"
Then arms are trying to pull him away, voices saying there's nothing more he can do, but Arthur is fighting savagely. "No, he's NOT dead, do you hear me? See, he's got a pulse!"
"Sire, there is no cure for –"
I was bitten by the questing beast once, Leon, and Gaius healed me! He'll do the same for Merlin. We have to get him back, now!"
Arthur tries to get up, but his legs are too shaky, and his hands don't seem to want to release Merlin. He falls back to the ground, staring at the boy's pale face. The words were whispered, barely audible, but Arthur heard them. Of course, it had to happen like that. Of course things had to make sense when there was no point in it. Of course, Arthur would only realise he loves Merlin when Merlin is dying.
All of the confusion suddenly makes sense. Arthur realises that he's been falling for his manservant without ever realising it. Now that it is too late to make a difference, now is when he finally recognises all the strange and confusing feelings for what they are. It makes no difference that Merlin feels the same way, not when Merlin is lying before him as though dead.
He never even got to tell Merlin how he feels.
Arthur struggles to get up, ignoring his shaking limbs. He wants to ask for help, but Merlin is the only one he can ask for help – Arthur, who never asks anyone for help – and Merlin is unconscious in his arms.
Gritting his teeth, Arthur focuses on Gaius. Gaius will heal Merlin, like he healed Arthur. Clearly, the bite of the questing beast does have a cure, or Arthur would not be standing here right now.
"We need to get back to Camelot at once," Arthur says, not looking at his knights, not wanting them to see his tears.
No one says anything, for which Arthur is grateful. He is barely holding himself together as it is; he feels as though one word could shatter him. Why, why did Merlin have to say he loves Arthur now? If he never did, Arthur would never have realised he was in love with Merlin too, and his sanity would not currently be hanging by a thread. He would not be unsure as to whether he can remain strong enough to help Merlin.
Even years later, Arthur will barely remember the ride back to Camelot. He has all the knights give him their horses, leaving them to walk back. Arthur rotates horses, not stopping once to eat or sleep, though it is three day's ride from Camelot. He chugs water from the skin on the saddle, but even that tastes like dirt.
When Arthur arrives at Camelot, he feels barely human. For once, he is glad of Morgana's presence as she runs down the steps to meet him. She pries his hands off Merlin – a feat in itself – and hands him over to guards, who carry him upstairs much faster than Arthur could in his current state. Then Morgana takes his hand and leads him up to Gaius' chambers, not giving him any grief about how he should rest and wash.
She sits at his back while Gaius examines Merlin. When he looks up, Arthur is shocked to see Gaius glaring at him. "He's been bitten by a questing beast."
"Yes," Arthur says impatiently. "And it's barely breathing, in case you hadn't noticed! You need to make him the antidote at once!"
"There is no antidote for the bite of the questing beast," Gaius says with shocking finality.
Arthur grips the table as the room spins. "No, that's not true," he says, trying to stay calm. "When I was bitten by the questing beast, you found an antidote. Give the same thing to Merlin. Please Gaius, just help him."
The last sentence was spoken in a broken whisper as Arthur reaches for Merlin's hand.
Gaius' expression softens, but his words are like blows to Arthur's heart. "There is no cure, Arthur," he says gently. "When you were bitten by the questing beast, Merlin went to the Isle of the Blessed and trades his life for yours. Only a priestess of the old religion can give a life back once it is as far gone as yours was then – as Merlin's is now. Merlin survived only because of Nimeuh's trickery."
Arthur is only still for a heartbeat before he is no his feet again. "Which way to the Isle of the Blessed?"
"Arthur, it's too –"
Arthur is drawing his sword, vaguely recognising that he's out of control, but not able to stop. "Give me a map, Gaius," he growls, and though he wouldn't hurt the physician, Gaius is backing away from the sword pointed at him. He fumbles in a drawer behind him and hands Arthur a folded piece of paper with a shaking hand.
"Keep him alive," Arthur says shortly before running from the room.
His knights must have been waiting outside the door, for they are suddenly all around Arthur. "I'll need five horses and supplies for a journey," he says, never breaking stride. If they are saying anything, their words turn to mush in his ears. Clearly, they must have obeyed instructions, as five strong looking horses are waiting for him.
"You're all to stay here and give Gaius anything he needs," Arthur says, his eyes flickering unseeingly over the men crowded round him. "I'll be back as soon as I can."
He doesn't wait for them to offer to come with him. He knows they can't be allowed anywhere near the Isle of the Blessed. Arthur knows his knights are loyal to him, but if they realised what he was planning to do, they would stop him, and without Merlin and his magic, Arthur won't be able to overpower all of them…
Further thoughts of Merlin threaten to send him spiralling into panic and he spurs the horse he is riding to a gallop, the others following behind. Gaius managed to keep him alive after he was bitten by the questing beast, long enough for Merlin to get back. Surely, he can do the same for Merlin?
Arthur spurs the horses faster.
He's not sure how long it takes him to get to the Isle of the Blessed. The sun sets and rises… how many times? His brain is too addled with exhaustion and lack of sleep to make much sense of anything. No matter; he won't need to make sense of things for much longer. All he needs is to get to the isle…
Arthur leaps into the small boat by the shore and rows across, straining his shaking muscles, knowing that even a second of delay could be a second too late for Merlin.
When he runs up through the stone archways and sees who is standing by the altar, he is brought up short. "Morgause?"
She smiles at Arthur as though she'd been expecting him. Arthur doesn't have time to feel shocked. "Merlin is dying, I need your help. He's been bitten by a questing beast and I need you to bring him back."
She smiles inscrutably at him. "I do not have the power to give a life and take nothing in return."
"I know the price," Arthur says. "Take my life."
She laughs softly. "If only it were so simple, my dear. Your life would suffice, yes, if it was a mere servant you wished to save. But Merlin is more than a servant. Yes, you know now, too, I can see it in your face. A powerful warlock like that… it takes more than a life to bargain for his."
"What does it take?"
"The truth," she hisses, an evil glint in her eyes. "Only the truth you have to give can be more powerful than your life to your young warlock."
"I don't understand," Arthur says, fighting to stand still. He wants to run at her, to shake her, to tell her to heal Merlin immediately, but senses that this won't help his case.
Morgause lifts her arms up to the sky and shouts some words Arthur can't make sense of. Her eyes glow gold.
The ground before his feet shimmer… and Merlin appears out of thin air. He is still unconscious, still deathly pale, but he is alive. Despite himself, Arthur drops down to his knees beside him, grabbing his hand. "Merlin, Merlin wake up!" he begs fruitlessly.
"I can do that, but only you can make it permanent," Morgause says softly, coming to kneel on the other side of Merlin. Arthur isn't aware of what she says next, for Merlin's eyes have just opened.
"Merlin," he gasps, relief making his head spin.
"Arthur? What are we doing here?" Merlin's voice is faint and weak, but his eyes are open and Arthur can't look away from them.
"He'll only be awake for a few minutes," Morgause says. "After that, he'll fade back into unconsciousness and die shortly afterwards."
"Tell me what you want me to do!" Arthur says, still not breaking Merlin's gaze. "I'll do anything."
"You need to tell the truth."
"I am telling the truth!" he shouts angrily, tired of her riddles.
"Why did you come here?" Morgause asks, not seeming perturbed by his anger.
"To save Merlin – I told you, he was bitten by a questing beast!"
"Why did you want to save Merlin?"
"Because he's my servant."
"Tell the truth."
"Because he's my friend."
"Tell the truth."
Arthur glares at her. "I don't want him to die, alright?"
Morgause just looks at him. Arthur can't believe this. Of all the things in the world he would have to do to save Merlin, how did she manage to pick the one he would have trouble with? His mouth is dry and panic is choking him. He can't say it, he can't.
But Merlin's eyes are beginning to flutter, and he'll die if Arthur doesn't say anything.
Arthur opens his mouth, but no sound comes out.
"Why didn't you want Merlin to die?" Morgause asks softly.
"Because – because I love him." Arthur's broken whisper is so soft that the wind whisks it away almost at once… but not before Merlin and Morgause hear. Merlin reaches up with his hand, trailing it across Arthur's face, a silly smile on his own lips. There is a flash and Arthur's head jerks up. At his words, a vial of water Morgause was holding suddenly flashed bright gold before turning back into normal water, at least in appearance.
"He must drink this," she says, handing it to him.
Arthur takes it without hesitation and gently lifts Merlin's head. Merlin's eyes are fluttering again and Arthur knows that he has to hurry. He puts the vial to Merlin's lips and gently tips the water in, holding his head up to be sure he swallows.
Merlin sighs, and his eyes close.
"Why isn't he waking up!" Arthur yells, looking at Morgause in panic.
"He will be fine," she says in a surprisingly gentle voice. "He's just sleeping, now. He'll wake up in a couple of hours, and the two of you can go back to Camelot."
Arthur looks at her suspiciously, one of his hands placed protectively over Merlin's chest. "Why are you doing this for us? You're no friend of Camelot."
"And why am I no friend of Camelot, Arthur Pendragon?"
"You're a sorceress. My father would have you executed."
"Yes, he would, young prince… but you, I think not. Your reign is the only hope for those of us with magic. You can lift the blight Uther has brought upon this land through his madness and hate. If you were to see Merlin die at the hands of magic, it would harden your heart against it forever. I do this so that when you are king, you will see that magic can be used for good as well as evil.
"Without Merlin, there is no chance for any of us. With him by your side, the two of you will build a kingdom where peace and justice reign. I do this for the future."
Arthur just gapes at her, not knowing what to say. Yes, he's always had his doubts about his father's views on magic, but to let sorcery have free reign… Yet how can sorcery be evil, when the person he cares about above all is a sorcerer? As Arthur looks into Merlin's face, he can't bring himself to condemn him – or anyone else – for having magic. When he looks up at Morgause again, he is smiling.
"Then I look forward to the day when we meet again, no longer enemies."
"As do I, Arthur Pendragon," she says. A mist seems to be forming before her and Arthur thinks she mutters something, but he's not sure. The next thing he knows, both he and Merlin are back with his horses on the other side of the lake. Morgause has even conjured up a cosy tent around them.
Arthur quickly tucks Merlin into about a dozen blankets and sits worriedly, waiting for him to wake up. He's too exhausted to keep it up for long, though. Soon Arthur's eyes are drooping and without ever fully deciding to, he is lying down next to Merlin, wrapping his arms around him as he drifts off.