Standard disclaimer applies.
Last and final installment in the short "Series" of Kenshin and Kaoru. I was going to have three stories all together. One with Ken/Kao, the second Kenshin's struggle during the eight years separation, and then the third of them finally getting together. But then I got deployed and I didnt have anytime to think about it, and then after a while during my deployment I just forgot entirely. It wasnt until I got back and checked my "fanfic" email and I read all the support I was getting that I tried to start it up again. So if it's not up to snuff, sorry, but after a year long break original ideas tend to slip from the mind.
Enjoy!
Wanderings of a Castaway
Chapter Four: Welcome home, Kenshin
By: Luna
Dear Diary,
I wanted to say I'm sorry. I'm sorry for my selfishness, my greediness, and my spoiled heart. I have punished myself and my children for not being able to move on from someone that I'm beginning to believe has already moved on from me. I haven't heard anything except the rumor that the Hitokiri Battousai was killed, and I'm starting to believe it.
I should have accepted something like that years ago. I couldn't just let go. I just couldn't. Kenshin, you had been everything to me. When we parted, I was alone and afraid and I didn't have anything. Then I gave birth, and my children were everything. I know love was what kept me clinging to the memory of you all these years, hoping against all facts and reality that you were alive, that you would somehow come back to me.
Just like it's love now, Kenshin, that's making it possible for me to let you go.
It's not fair to the children; me holding just a little bit back and taking myself everyday to the train station, or to the boat yard, hoping that I'll see your achingly familiar form make your way towards me. It's not as if I don't love our children the way that are meant to be loved, for I'd give my life for them if it ever came to that. It's just that...
Mou, I can't explain. It's hard even to write this down on paper.
I love you, Kenshin. I always have. I always will. But even so... Goodbye.
Excerpt from the diary of Kamiya Kaoru, 1873.
Seven years into the Meiji Era, year 1874...
The fire crackled quietly, its flames dancing light on my fathers face, making his amber eyes glow. I didn't bother to pretend I wasn't staring at him; he probably knew all the other times anyways. I just wished I knew what he was thinking. Why wouldn't he look at me? I cleared my throat a couple of times, and when he didn't say anything or so much as blink, I started talking anyways.
"Are you mad at me?" Wait, that wasn't what I wanted to say...
I waited, holding my breath, as his gaze slowly lifted from the flames to my face. He seemed to take in every detail, every curve; my cheek, my nose, the arch of my eyes, my hair now free of dye and shimmering red in the fire. Finally, he looked me directly in the eyes, emotions I couldn't decipher swirling in eyes no longer quite as cold.
He sighed a little and seemed to deflate. Taking that as an invitation, I scrambled to the other side of the fire. A little bit too eager, I scooted quickly and sat a little too close to him. I couldn't help it. This was my father, and he finally knows who I am and hopefully accepted me. He didn't shift away, so I relaxed, my arms wrapping around my knees and my chin resting on top of them.
"I'm not angry at you." He said slowly, as if choosing his words very carefully. "Surprised. In a good way. I'm glad something good could come from me."
Surprised, I looked up at him. He was frowning into the flames again, not looking at me. He must have felt my stare, for he turned his head a little and looked at me. "I'm not a good person," he started. "Your mother was the only good thing that wanted to stay in my company."
I think he wanted to say more, but perhaps that was too personal. We're still strangers, after all. He started speaking again, and I listened intently even though I was sure he was talking to himself, merely thinking out loud. "I was afraid I'd break her. The whole time I was with her, I thought I'd break her. She was so delicate. I didn't want to hurt her more than she already had been."
Was he talking about my mother? My mother was the strongest woman I've ever met! She knew swordsmanship, she chased away robbers and beat up the ones that wouldn't run, and she could beat us up if we did something stupid like pretend to choke on her awful cooking. She was loving and funny and not delicate at all! Even Uncle Sanosuke called her a little tomboy.
He must have noticed my incredulous expression, for a rueful look entered his eyes. "Has she much changed?"
I was tempted to lie because I had a feeling he was a little sad at how much he missed, but I found I couldn't. "Uncle Sanosuke calls her a tomboy and she beats him up for it. Sakajo-sama taught her a little bit of kendo, and she's pretty good. She doesn't cook very good, not like you, so when you see her again pretend it's really good, okay?"
When he didn't answer, I thought he was going to ignore me completely. But then he pulled a blanket up over both of us, one arm staying wrapped around my shoulder to keep me to his side. He rested his cheek on top of my head, and I decided then that I loved my father.
Instead of marveling over the realization, I snuggled closer and fell asleep smiling.
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I woke up the next morning rocking. Blinking my eyes open, I stared up at the clear blue sky, dotted only with a few stray clouds. I looked to the side, surprised to find that I was laying on a bunch of hay. My father was sitting next to me, one leg dangling off the end of the cart and the other drawn up, his elbow resting on his knee. I watched him for a moment, noticing that his hair was tied lower, now at the base of his neck. He was thoughtfully chewing on a piece of straw as he stared at the trail.
"Where are we?"
He glanced at me only a moment before returning his stare to the road. "We're outside of Tokyo."
He pulled both legs up and sat cross-legged, tucking his hands in his sleeves. "After we enter Tokyo, you're going to have to show me the rest of the way to your home."
"Tokyo?" I said in amazement, excitement starting to bubble up through my words. "We're already in Tokyo? All right!"
Looking amused, I watched as he smiled a little; just the smallest lifting at the corners of his mouth. I started babbling after that, too excited to see my mom and brother again after all this time to sit still. I crawled over to where my dad was so I could lean over the side of the carts railing, careful not to step on his swords. I started pointing to various places; to a few of my hideouts, where my brother and I like to play best, the mean shop owner who always chased us away thinking that we were thieves, and my mother's favorite stores.
He listened to everything, looking at every place I pointed to, and asking me questions. I was so glad he was interested that I spilled almost everything, even accidentally showing him the shop owner Yahiko pick-pocketed one time – something that not even mom knew about. And she knew everything! I made him swear to me never to tell mom about it.
We hopped off the cart only a few blocks away from the house, and I nearly ran the rest of the way before I realized my dad wasn't even trying to keep up. Looking back, I cocked my head to the side and watched as he seemed to take each step with extra care, his hands once again tucked into his sleeves. What was wrong with him?
Trotting over to him, I asked, "What's wrong? Do you have something in your sandals? Do your feet hurt? Why are you walking so slow?"
He seemed to be in deep thought, however, and didn't even look at me. What on earth? He wasn't... I snorted, laughing a little as I gave his arm a little punch. "Aw, come on! You can't be nervous, can you? It's just mom!"
Frowning, he straightened. "I'm not nervous."
"Yes you are! You can't even keep up with me!" he continued to frown at me as I showed him the entire way back to home, letting out a whoop when I saw the back door to the dojo about fifty feet away. I ran towards it, banging on the door like a madman until it opened.
My mother, in all her fiery glory, rammed open the door with a broom over her shoulders and a fierce frown on her face. "What do you think yo—"
She gasped, dropping the broom and swooping me up in her arms. "Kenji!" she laughed, tears streaming down her face. "You stupid little kid! How could you just show up and not tell me!" she laughed again.
I hugged her tightly, feeling like I was finally home in the comfort of her arms. I admit freely, I was my mother's boy. I was so lost in my happiness I almost didn't even pay attention to what she was saying. "I missed you! And you'd never believe what has been going on here!"
I pulled away from her, leaning back so my hands could cup her cheeks, and then placing a smacking kiss on her lips. "I bet I have a better surprise for you."
"Better than you coming home? You know I really should beat you for running away and leaving a badly written note behind, but I'm just so happy to see you!"
I looked over my shoulder, the goofy grin on my face slowly fading when I witnessed my fathers frozen expression. Most wouldn't notice it, but I've watched him so closely these past few weeks that I could recognize when something came into his eyes. Was he really that scared at meeting mom again?
When I eased back down to the ground, mom was already hollering in the court yard for Yahiko, and I took the moment to go to him, tugging on his hakama like a child. "Are you okay?" I whispered.
But his eyes were frozen beyond me, and it was then that I noticed the sudden silence that fell around me. I looked back, and my mother was standing there with a mirror like expression on her face, her blue eyes impossibly wide and her lips opened in surprise.
"Kenshin?" she whispered, so soft that I had to strain to hear. At that moment Yahiko came running up behind her, ramming right into her when he couldn't stop that fast. Clutching at her violet kimono for a moment to steady himself, he let a grin split his face when he saw me.
Knowing Yahiko, he would think it unmanly to give me a hug, so I ran to him and threw my arm around his shoulder, twisting so I had him in a semi head lock to grind my fist on top his head.
We both stopped when mothers hand came to faintly rest on our shoulders, and we looked up at her to see her still looking at father, her eyes unusually glossy. "It's time to go inside boys, we have a visitor."
Yahiko looked over and instant recognition came into his eyes. Father and I looked so much alike that it was impossible to miss. Yahiko stiffened, anger and something like hate coming into his eyes. Father was staring at Yahiko also, only his expression was once again void of all emotions.
He stepped forward, bringing his topaz eyes again to mother, never leaving even when he came not even a foot away from her. "Kaoru," I heard him breathe, the name sounding so tender that I had to take a double look. Never did I think that he could sound like that.
Mother smiled, and I relaxed. Please let everything be okay, I prayed silently as they stared in wonder at each other. Please let us be a family.
Mom reached out and took his hand, leading him inside. Yahiko radiated energy, and I hoped he wouldn't ruin anything. I stayed close to him though, so relieved that I could be back by my twin that I didn't want to go anywhere else but by his side for awhile.
We settled in the family room, mother serving everyone tea. It only took about five minutes of silence before mother spoke. "Boys, please step outside for a while. There is something I want to speak to Kenshin about in private."
Yahiko glared at him until he left the room completely and when my mother wasn't looking, I caught my father's eye and gave him a thumbs up. I was rewarded with a small smile before I closed the door behind me.
--------------------
Oh my God.
His face is so familiar to me. So beautiful; so perfect. His scar is still apparent, not faded a bit. His hair is still that beautiful shade of dark fire, glistening red in the muted light of the room. my hands trembled when I tried to serve him tea, and I had to place the pot back down or else spill it everywhere.
Oh my God.
I grasped my elbows, bowing my head a little when I couldn't stop shaking, my joy so outstanding, my fear so blinding. I felt a touch near my forehead, and I slowly raised my head, feeling his fingertips trace down my forehead, over my brow, resting on my cheek. I smiled tremulously, my lips quivering. "Kenshin," I said, emotion overcoming me and my throat seemed to tighten.
His fingertips moved across my cheek down to the curve of my jaw, across my chin and up the other side of my face, over my brows and down the bridge of my nose, resting on my trembling lips. Tears escaped, and I was almost angry at myself from reverting back to the weak woman I was before Kenshin left. I didn't want to appear weak to him. I wanted to look strong.
I grasped his hand, pulling it away from my face and held it in my lap, unwilling to let go of contact even for a moment. I stared down at his calloused hand while I tried to think of something to say.
"It's been so long..." I looked up at him then to find him watching me, almost hungrily. "Kenshin, did you even look for me?"
When he looked away, I berated myself for not framing the question correctly. Our meeting shouldn't be based off of confrontation.
His fingers flexed, and it was only then did I realize I was squeezing his hand. I dropped his hand like it burned, but he didn't remove it from my lap. He simply rested it there. Tentatively, I held his hand again, gently this time, my eyes riveted to his face when he started speaking.
"Kaoru," he paused, as if savoring the word. "All this time... the reason why I never looked for you... I thought you were dead. The townsmen told me, and it was listed in the papers. I thought... I thought you were burned."
Closing my eyes since tears burned, I brought his hand to my cheek again, rubbing my cheek against the palm of his hand. "It's alright now, isn't it? You're here with me."
I opened my eyes and looked at him, my expression painful from trying to hold back tears. "Don't ever leave me again, Kenshin. Don't ever leave."
His other hand reached out and grasped both of mine, pulling them to his chest and over his heart as he bowed his head over them. "I won't. I promise."
"It won't be easy for awhile living here. Yahiko doesn't trust you, and he's very angry. Both of the children are jealous of you, and I'm afraid that's my fault. I've... I've never been able to let you go, Kenshin. I tried. But I was too weak; too selfish to think of the children first." I looked away, hating that I was once again fighting tears. I'm not the woman I was eight years ago! I'm stronger – much stronger – than that. And I wanted to show him that. His memory of myself is as a weak, quiet young woman whom he had to protect, whom he had to love with tenderness instead of hard passion and fire. He needed to know I was different. I couldn't fully accept him back into my home until he accepts that – and my children accepted him.
It was going to be hard for him. He, who rarely allows himself to feel anything. Only behind closed doors, when it was just the two of us, did he ever open himself up to me. In these eight years, I could read in his eyes that it hasn't been like that since. Poor Kenshin. How lonely he must have been. He lost his first wife, and then a few years later he lost, essentially, his second wife. I doubt he cared for another all these years. Even the great Hitokiri Battousai needs to protect his heart from further hurt.
I remembered seeing him standing there, little Kenji looking up at him with his gentle violet eyes, worried about his father. I was going to tell him something... what was I going to say?
"Mom!" I heard Yahiko yell moments before the shoji doors slid open. He stared almost maliciously at Kenshin before he turned to me and said, "Enishi's here. He says he cant wait to give you your present."
My face paled a bit, and when I looked at Kenshin, I was almost frightened at the lack of emotion on his face. I used to always be able to tell what Kenshin was thinking... "Kenshin," I started, watching those cold eyes of his study my own for a moment.
Then he pulled his hand away.
I almost cried out at the loss of contact. Demurely, however, I folded my hands back into my lap and turned my eyes to Yahiko, watching him waver a little at the look of wrath in my eyes. Oh, he should be afraid, I thought savagely. There was no excuse for his rudeness, or his need to inflict pain on his father. He'll be feeling it in training today for sure...
Standing, I led them all outside, smiling at Enishi when I saw him standing in the courtyard. "Enishi-san, how good to see you again. How was your trip to China?"
He tossed me a dark object, and I caught it (thankfully) with ease. It was a pretty black lacquered hair comb with a beautiful design etched into it. It would match the black, silver, and violet kimono he got for me last year. It would be an insult to Kenshin, however, if I wore it without his consent. I'm considering myself his wife again, whether he likes it or not.
"I thought you'd like it. Simple, but lovely." He stopped then, and I know he spotted Kenshin lounging in the shadows like a wraith.
"Thank you, Enishi-san. It's very lovely. You remember, Kenshin, don't you?" I walked to Kenshin's side, letting him know where my loyalties lie. For the past three years since he found me here, he's been courting me most arduously, but I've always resisted. I always felt it would be an insult to Kenshin if I ever allowed myself to care for Enishi. I could have. If not love, then at least lust. And extreme like. Getting over his previous madness, he was a very likable companion, and he would have eased at least a few certain types of my aches from over the years. I've let him know, however, that nothing would ever come of it. I had a feeling, however, that he would try and give Kenshin the wrong impression just to nettle him.
I turned back to Kenshin, making it so that only he could see my face, and sent him a pleading look. I reached out and touch his hand, nearly covered by his gi since his had been crossing his arms, and I saw his face relax. Unnoticed by others, I let my fingertips caress his hand before I turned back to our guest, smile fixed firmly in place.
"Come," I said, "I was just about to prepare dinner."
The room was brimming with conflicting energy. Yahiko, strangely enough, chose to sit near Kenshin, with Kenji sitting next to me. I was sitting on Kenshin's other side, with Enishi across from us.
"So tell us, Battousai, what have you been doing all these years." Enishi tone seemed to be filled with mockery, as if he thought Kenshin was nothing but a joke.
Kenshin pretended to be oblivious to Enishi's tone of voice. "Wandering Japan, helping those of need."
"Why? Do you have a reason to seek atonement?" Enishi sneered.
Kenshin looked steadily at him. "Some of us find the need to."
Yahiko looked a little startled, and a little wary. Enishi continued, "Oh, I see, you want someone to forgive you for being a murderer."
"Like yourself?" Kenshin said lightly, "No, I have no need to have others forgive me. The forgiveness I seek is that which is in myself."
Enishi sneered again but stayed quiet, turning to look at Yahiko as if to share a knowing look. Yahiko was looking down, thankfully, but I felt very angered at this attempt of manipulation. Dinner was quiet after that, and I showed Kenshin a room that Kenji prepared. Enishi left, but I had the feeling that he'd be back if nothing else to needle Kenshin.
It was dark inside. Kenshin stood in the middle of the room with is back to me, and I hovered by the door. I should go, I knew I should, but I couldn't bring myself to. Breaking, I went inside. I didn't close the door, for I thought it unwise to do so. I wouldn't – shouldn't – be staying the night. But I couldn't resist going to Kenshin and embracing him from behind. I wrapped my arms tightly around him, my small, pale hands fisting in the fabric of his gi covering his chest. I pressed my body against his, my face against his back with my breath against his hair.
I felt him bow his head, his hands reaching up to curve over my own, his grip just as tight over mine. I didn't care. I needed to know that he was real, that he was really here with me. I've missed him for so long. Desires, tamped down for so many years, raged to life, but I knew I shouldn't stay with him tonight. I held on tighter, however, and rubbed my cheek against his back, tears slowly sliding down my face.
Out of the corner of my eye I noticed Yahiko watching us in the doorway, but his expression wasn't one of disgust or rebuke. His eyes thoughtful and his mouth frowning, he hesitated only a moment before he reached out and, slowly, he closed the door.
--
The next morning she wasn't there beside me. I sat up, slightly disoriented and panicked before I calmed myself down. This was her home I was in. She would just leave me, especially after last night. I dressed quickly and went to find her, passing by the children cleaning the yard and playing. I smiled quickly at them before passing on. There would be plenty of time to know them and love them, but right now I had to find Kaoru and see if she was alright.
"I love you." She had whispered again and again, as if making sure I wouldn't forget. "I love you…"
I found her outside the dojo in a field filled with cherry blossoms. They had bloomed, and soon a festival will begin to celebrate them. She stood underneath the largest tree, filled with beautiful blooms and fragrance. I knew she knew I was standing behind her, so I waited. I needed to know what she felt before I started to behave foolish or do something unwise.
"We never got to watch the cherry blossoms together, did we? The one we stood under was sleeping, waiting for spring to come and wake it up." She looked up at the blossoms above her. Her back was still towards me, so all I could see was the side profile of her face. It was serene. "You will stay with me, wont you, to see the blossoms fall? To me, that's when they are most beautiful. It makes the world look covered in pink snow."
Walking up to her, I wondered what was going on in her mind. She asked again, finally turning towards me fully. "You will stay with me, wont you?"
There were so many things to over come. My son's behavior towards me, the reason for his resentment and his apparent dislike. Enishi's subtle threatening and insinuation that Kaoru was once his, and the change that will soon be in my life; a life where I am no longer an unwanted guest or a wanderer. I don't mind knowing my life will change. I don't know how to be a father yet, and maybe I don't know how to be a good human being, but I will do all in my power to make sure those close to me and those under my protection will stay safe. I have a family now. I have a responsibility no longer directed at myself, but for others. I... do I have a h... I was too afraid to even finish the thought.
Kaoru smiled, and like a balm over a cracked and dry surface, my heart seemed just a little more lighter; just a little more alive and healed than it had a day ago. I watched as the breeze running through the small garden or cherry blossoms pick up her long, beautiful hair, loosening the blue ribbon holding it all together.
As I watched, she held out her hand to me, her smile never leaving her face. That face, that beautiful smile. I would die a thousand deaths to keep her smiling at me, just like that.
"I love you, Kenshin. I will always love you. I'm asking you to stay. Stay with me and Kenji and Yahiko, and all the problems that are going to happen and all the messes we'll all make. Stay with me, Kenshin. Stay with us."
With a trembling hand, I reached out to her.
She smiled, and this time tears glistened in her eyes. "Thank you." Her fingers closed over mine.
"... Welcome home, Kenshin."
There it is folks. The last and final installment. Thank you all for your support, despite this story not turning into what I was hoping. Feel free to read my other stories! I know I have at least three good stories that have over two hundred reviews, so I know I can't be that bad.
Everyone has been great, reviewing my story, telling me what you like, what you didn't like, what I could improve, what should stay the same. It really helps me become better, and despite what others say that you don't need reviews to continue a story, they're wrong. If I post a story and no one reviews it, what does that tell me? It tells me my stories are bad, and that I'm a bad writer. I cant write for the pleasure of it if no one takes pleasure in what I write. Simple as that. So thank you everyone who wrote to me, because I really appreciated it.
Until next time...
Luna