Monday, May? 30, 2011
Nikki-chan, Niko is sorry for crying more tears into your pages again
So yesterday Niko was home and it was boring and Niko hurt all over. The good thing is Niko was able to make breakfast and dinner slowly and carefully and lunch for herself. The bad thing is everything else. When Niko watches idol shows on disk because she is learning for her future, it's exciting. When she is watching something that will never happen, it is not so exciting. Sorry, Nikki-chan, but Niko is a good idol but not as good a fan as she thought she was. Niko was so bored she tried writing in Nikki-chan yesterday, but no luck. When Niko is home completely alone all day it's a good time to cry. I feel like, if I never cry, trying to smile all the time is impossible, so cry at home and smile away is the new plan. Except around Kokoro and Kokoa and Kotarou.
This is why Niko loves her Mama so much: when Mama got home she said, can you help me in the bedroom with something, Niko?" And when I went with her she said "It's okay to cry around me. I think it's very nice to smile around your sisters and brother, but you never should feel like you have to pretend to me. I didn't want you to see this side of life so young, but it can't be helped."
I haven't had to say "shoganai" since Papa died. If I get well I am going to sing and dance my heart out to make Kami-sama ashamed of how He has treated Niko-chan.