I've been busy. But I still get to finish chapter 4 which I tried to make it a little bit longer for the obvious reason that my updates are going to take a while from now on. Enjoy and have fun reading.
Disclaimer: I don't own Chuck because if I do….Sarah Walker will definitely be pissed.
Going After Her
I waited for the sunrise to eventually settle in before I started getting dressed. I didn't go back to sleep after reading and seeing what Sarah has left for me. Had it not been for the little amount of hope that I have, I will definitely tear and burn this crap. Our marriage is not a just a piece of contract. It's a covenant we both made and a commitment we both wish to fulfill. Her memories may have been wiped out but for better and now more than ever for worse, I'm going to honor the vow I made on that altar. Not because I have to but because I love her. Simple. No buts. No whys. No whatever. I love her and she's gonna have to deal with it no matter how far she will push me away. Like I said, she maybe the best spy but I'm Chuck Bartowski and it's not like she's out of my league.
While putting on my chucks, I pondered as to where she could be. Where could she have gone and where will she hide to keep bringing up her walls once again. Then as if I've thought about this a thousand, the answer came immediately into mind. There is only one place will she find herself secure, safe or let me rephrase that: One place where she feels secure, feels safe but deep inside lonely. So I grabbed my nerd herd keys and went out to hit the road leading to her hoping she is where I know in my heart she will be. I have to believe my heart because our brain only screws things up or maybe… this is just what I really want to believe at the moment.
It's been awhile since I've driven to this familiar road. It's been two years since I've last seen this empty street leading to her apartment. Her apartment. There is no other place she could else be than going back to the only thing she knows she feels safe. Safe but not home.
As I got closer, I pulled the car to the side and turned off the engines but before I got out of the nerdherder, I tightly clenched my hands at the wheels feeling that I need more than an ounce of energy to face her. Thank God, I have the Intersect because I can't take another blow from her. Not today because this time, I'm going to fight for what I know is mine. I took the divorce paper tucked on my back and got out of the car. And as if time is of the essence, I walked hurriedly inside putting on that pretend stoic look wondering how long I could hold on playing the look which I completely think is ridiculous but necessary.
The elevator door to her room floor level finally opened and I slowly stepped out of it. I walked towards her room overwhelmed by the feeling of uncertainty yet with full of determination. I reached the door to her room and took a pause then inhaled what little air there is left into the area then I gently knocked at the door. First knock and came no answer. I tried to knock for the second time but before my fist could hit the door, her gorgeous face greeted me as she opens the door. Unconsciously, I smiled then realizing that I have to maintain a spy like act, I cleared my throat and put on that poker face. Well, not poker but just enough to hide my emotions only for a little while. Just for a little while.
Her reaction was a little bit surprised at my presence and as if she doesn't know what to tell me so I took the liberty to talk first.
"Can I come in?" I asked her while keeping that pretend stoic look.
"Uh. Sure." She replied ushering me inside.
"Did I wake you up?" It was stupid of me to ask while obviously seeing that her eyes were blood shot red from the sleep.
"Kinda. But it's okay I got a pretty good rest a while back". She replied while sitting on the bed.
Sensing the uneasiness of the atmosphere I grab a chair, pulled it closer toward her and sat on it while leveling my eyes to her eyes. Eyes to eyes. What a lousy move Chuck! I thought. But eyes are the passage to our soul. If I can't read her face then maybe I can with her eyes so yes. Eyes to eyes.
"I don't really wanna bother you but we both know why I am here. For this." I raised the divorce paper and handing it back to her.
"I can't, I don't and I won't so keep it" I continued.
"I know that I should better hear your side of the story but Sarah, I don't have to because
I know where this is going and I'm not going to give up on us." I finished. And in the silence I waited for her response.
"Chuck, I won't, I don't and I really can't do this anymore. I don't want to hurt you. You are such a great guy and I don't blame you for that but it's just me who is the problem. Me and my memories of us." Sarah softy replied while hiding her emotions but her eyes speaks it all.
"But we don't have to end us. Let us both face this. You and me. Your memories may have been wiped out but mine is still up here (pointing to my head) and especially down here (pointing to my heart). I firmly stated.
She lowered her gaze on the floor and I can sense that she doesn't know what to do or say at the moment so I continued.
"Okay, I admit that I've been a little aggressive about you getting your memories and I went all out in every date, every walk on the beach, every movie marathon and every duck hunt moments with you though I always won, thanks to the Intersect".
I let out a grin saying about the last words and she smiled back at me like she used to when I tell her about my stupid jokes. Realizing that I look like a fool, I immediately wipe the stupid grin and with a serious tone continued to lay down my plan.
"Look, the point is, it was never all normal, only for me but not for you so if you give us a chance, if you give me another chance to trust me again, we will try living the normal you."
It was evident on Sarah's face that she's confused about the whole thing I just told her. She raised an eyebrow and with a questioning look she replied,
"The normal me? I don't even consider myself normal let alone we live and you try to live with the normal me? I don't know what it means but please do care to elaborate.
"Here's the thing. Give me one month to change your mind. Give me one month to open yourself to me. Give me one month to allow yourself to live the life we lived before. And since you are a spy, one of the best per se, give me one month to live that life together with you. Let's go back to spying, let's do things that makes you comfortable. Let's do things that you feel like you know you want to do. Everything. Quit the CIA and let's continue on our own. Carmichael Industries. The Buy More. Orange Orange. Me the Nerdherd Supervisor and you The Yogurt Girl. Let's keep it that way. Your way, whatever makes you normal. And…" I took a pause on the next thing I'm about to say knowing it hurts but I have to do this for me and for her. "you can stay here in your apartment if it feels normal for you."
After telling her what I wanted for us to do, I waited for her response and no words came out of her lips. I searched her eyes and she looked away then with time hanging for too long she spoke.
"You really wanna do this?" She asked me while looking outside her window deep in thought.
"Uhm." It's all I could come up.
"I'm not sure."She paused and continued "But I think that you are maybe right. I like your plan and I'm going to trust you again on this" She smiled and reverted her gaze into my face.
"For all you've been through and all that you said we've been through, I feel like we deserve a month." She continued. "But what happens after one month? What if my memories won't comeback?"
"I never asked for your memories to comeback but what I asked is to open yourself about me and about us, memories or not. That at the end of one month when it is all over you will realize that I'm that guy. That I'm your Chuck and that you could actually fall in love with a nerd like me while living the normal life. The normal you." I finished with more determination than I ever had hoping she knows what I'm trying to do about our whole situation.
"But…what if it doesn't happen in one month? What if I realized that I can't love you or worse I don't love you? Sorry about…"
"Then I will let you go" I ended the sentence for her knowing she's having trouble sharing her emotions. I should have known better and I meant every word I said though deep within me is still hoping it won't come to that. But if it doesn't then yes, 'I will let her go'.
"Chuck, this isn't easy for me and I know that this is more difficult for you. But why do this? Why, when all is uncertain. Why, when I could end up breaking you. Why, when you can have a life to live normally with someone who deserves you? She asked me with a comforting tone as if to clear my mind on what I'm about to get myself into.
"I have to do this because Sarah". I paused and pushed myself up to stand and firmly added "I love you".
She didn't say a word and for what seems to be and endless time she just nodded realizing that I'm never going to give up. I walked back to the door of her room sensing she needs time for herself to let things sink in. And before I finally have to leave, I decided to do the first thing on the first day of our 'one month'.
"Hey Sarah. I flashed on a customer yesterday and he's name is Yokuo Bai. He's an American-Japanese steel magnate. But it seems there is more to what he does other than producing steel like arms trafficking and illegal nuclear bomb disposal which I don't even know what the latter means. He had some computer issues so I …anyway…bottom line is.." Oh no I'm rambling again. I know it. I just have to stay cool. Act like a spy and don't get nervous about making your first move. I told myself. "is he's going to make a deal tonight with someone whom we need to find out who and we will just have to figure out the rest. I've talked with General Beckman last night and it looks like the CIA is our first client as Carmichael Industries resumes its operation."
"That's a good start .But can we have our mission briefing later because I'm just gonna have to take few naps to get back in full strength?" She asked with a mix of excitement and exhaustion on her voice.
"Oh yeah. Sorry. I forgot you didn't get much sleep. Just so you know, you can actually sleep tonight. It'll be more of a stakeout but there is one thing I'd like to ask you though?
"Yeah. What is it?"
"I know it's a mission and well, just to start our first day of the "one month", I would like to ask you for the second first time stakeout date?" I nervously asked her hoping she will take this as something more of a submission to have fun with while on an actual mission.
"Sure. Never had one though maybe we had back then" She replied smiling at me.
"Great". I mused and clasped my hands in excitement. "I'll pick you up later at 6pm so we could just both go to Castle. And if it's not a lot to ask, how would you like to have sizzling shrimp for a 'stakeout-date dinner"?
"Hmmm…Sounds good and I think I like it" She warmly beamed at me knowing in myself "Operation Bartowski: Mission 2" is at work.
I then said goodbye to her and I went home with a feeling of confidence that this will turn out in the best possible way I could imagine but no matter how hard I try to convince myself, I still can't keep putting aside my doubts as to where this leads us in the end. I just hope that fate will magically works its way in us and especially in Sarah's heart to spark what's already been in there. And that is something I still need to work on.
Please excuse my grammar, spelling and any omissions. I wrote this at 1:30 AM and the fact that English is just my 3rd language.
Ok. So what do you think of this chapter? Please leave your reviews and thanks for reading. I'm off to bed. Gnyt.