Prompt-I found your box of letters underneath my bed last night and because I'm a nosy motherfucker I decided to read them and it turns out they were all addressed to me and the last one was dated the day you moved out and I'm not quite sure why I thought this would be a good idea but here I am, standing on your doorstep, wondering why the fuck we're not together anymore

Dear Mizuki, it began the same way they all did, just that, clean and obvious, written in his familiar almost immaculate handwriting, characters curved prettily in the opposite way to Mizuki's harsh spikes.

Then followed the date, in this case March 25th, 2013, the day he'd moved in with him, the letter was filled with excitement and nervousness that he could almost feel as he leafed through it, written hastily and presumably in a quick stolen moment where Mizuki was otherwise distracted.

So today is the big day, my stuff's been packed for way too long, I'd be embarrassed to admit how long I've been excited for this, even grandma has been teasing me about it, but no doubt I'll tell you later once everything is unpacked, despite the fact I know you'll complain and try to leave it for another day.

I don't know why I'm suddenly nervous, maybe because this is another big step for us to take, but then I suppose I should trust you enough to not be nervous. I don't think it's about trust though, I'm here a lot as it is, moving in won't really make that much of a difference, or I hope not, I don't really want anything to change, nothing too big anyway, we're fine the way we are now.

All my love, Sei xxx

Ever the nosy motherfucker, Mizuki reached for the next letter, unfolding it and losing his worries about being invasive now, because they were addressed to him, and Sei had left them here so technically it was his fault.

March 27th, 2013

Dear Mizuki,

Oh god I don't know how long it's going to take me to get used to this but I don't even know if I want to, seeing my things in the bathroom next to yours makes me feel all giddy and excited like a child with a crush again. But then so many things are odd now, this is my home now, hopefully forever, but it seems so foreign to me still, so odd to help myself to things even though I always used to. I'm sure if I talked to you about this you'd call me stupid and tell me I could do whatever I wanted, but I'll keep it to myself, I don't want to worry you.

All my love, Sei xxx

Okay, so far so normal, he flicked through the stack, finding one letter written on crumpled paper, words swaying on the page messily and some letters running into others, as if he'd been crying as he wrote it.

June 12th, 2013

Dear Mizuki,

We had a fight today. I think it was my fault but I don't really know. I just remember I was scared, you got so angry and I've never seem you like that before. I'm ashamed to admit it, but for a second I thought you might hit me, even though I know you wouldn't. Oh, I feel terrible for even writing that and I would never tell you, you don't need that guilt.

I'm waiting for you to come back, you stormed out somewhere, to cool your head. I hope it worked, I don't want to keep arguing with you. It was such a stupid thing too, so pointless to yell about but I guess tensions get worse when you live together.

I don't know, I sort of feel like maybe we weren't ready for this.

All my love, Sei xxx

PS. I'm sorry I ever doubted you, and I'm sorry I shouted too

Hm, he couldn't remember that day, didn't really recall their first fight, he hadn't known, had never known how scared Sei actually was by it He wished he'd told him, flicking all the way though the pile, skipping over 2014 completely, he could come back to those, he wanted to see the newest ones, if three months ago could be considered new anyway.

August 17th, 2015

Dear Mizuki,

Sometimes I really hate being here.

August 18th, 2015

Dear Mizuki,

We weren't ready for this, or you weren't. I almost never see you, you're always at work or busy. I really miss you.

I feel like I'm losing you but I don't know how to get you back.

All my love, for as long as I have you, Sei xxx

His throat was growing thicker, because he hadn't even realised there was a problem til the month everything came to a close and they'd decided it was better to stop this whole thing before it got worse and they got even more hurt. But Sei had noticed his absences, the way he'd avoided him suddenly like an asshole because he was scared to admit how he felt, how much he really loved him and how much happier he was with him in his life. He'd felt vulnerable suddenly, to have this person know everything about him but love him anyway, so he'd thrown himself into work and his team and stupidly expected Sei to still be there waiting for him anyway.

He'd known what a stupid idea this was from the start, that all it would do was unearth feelings he'd been trying to hide, open up a still gaping wound and make him feel terrible, but he couldn't stop reading, noticing with a queasy feeling the kisses and love stopping like they had in reality.

August 25th, 2015

Dear Mizuki,

I told you I loved you last night while we got ready for bed, I don't know if you heard me but you didn't answer. It hurt more than I thought it would. I don't know how to make things right. I don't know what I've done wrong.

I'm scared, Mizuki.

September 3rd, 2015

Dear Mizuki,

We can't last like this. I know we can't but I'm so terrified to lose you. I'm trying everything, trying to be perfect but it doesn't seem to be enough. I know you're busy, and stressed and tired, all I want to do is help but you're too proud to let me.

I feel like this is everything I want but that it happened at the wrong time, maybe we should take a break for a while, give each other some space when all I want is to feel close to you again.

Oh no, he'd reached the last letter in the box, remembering absently how Sei used to kiss all the letters he sent, for good luck, wondering if he had done that with these, wondering if the love in the others would have died by the time they got to the end. Unfolding the paper with shaking hands and feeling sick as he read, throat growing painfully thick and eyes burning hot with shame and anger and so much guilt.

December 18th, 2015

Dear Mizuki,

I bought you Christmas presents already. I guess I'll still give you them. You can get rid of them if you want but I really wanted you to have them.

I think the fact that this is happening now makes everything harder. Because its Christmas, and we're supposed to be happy but we aren't. I'm not. I haven't been for a long time but it's difficult to admit that. I don't see how we'll be happier apart but that seems like the only option, I don't want to be alone again. It's been so long since I have been. I'll miss you horribly.

I still love you with everything I have, I really can't believe that this is the end. I won't believe it. I don't even know if you'll read this, but I want you to know that you're everything I ever wanted, and if you just need time then I can give you that. But I can't wait forever, I won't.

I just. I wanted to say that if you do read this, that it's okay, they were for you anyway I just never wanted you to read them like this. I'd do anything for you, Mizuki, and I'll always be here if you need me.

You still have all my love, and I wish a little that you didn't so this would hurt less. I'm really sorry we couldn't make it work, I think I'll regret that forever.

There's this one stupid quote I've always loved, but it didn't make sense until all this happened; 'But would you please kiss me before I go, so we won't be lonely.' I know you won't though, stupid to ask really, it won't make me any less lonely.

Oh god and now I'm crying again, see, I'm a mess already and I haven't even left yet. But there's so little time left now, I want to get everything down but I don't know what to say other than that I don't want this, I want to stay, I want to try again, I don't want to lose you. You made me feel like I was worth everything in the whole world. You were my world, you still are, that's what sucks, I still love you and you still love me and this is so stupid but it's all we can do.

So all I can leave you with is my words and my love, I hope you won't cry if you read this, it makes me so sad when you do. I don't want you to be sad because of me.

I'm so sorry, and I love you so much my chest hurts,

Sei, forever xxx

He barely had time to apologise to Sei, eyes overflowing even before he reached the last lines and his face crumpled, because this was all he had left of Sei now, and his words were as old as the feelings probably were by now. But fuck this was all so stupid, Sei had never hated him, he'd been cold to protect himself from being hurt more and Mizuki had misunderstood it. Sei hadn't left to spite him or because he didn't love him, he'd left because he loved him, and now he knew that he felt so fucking stupid for letting him.

"Ah shit," this was an awful idea, but then Mizuki was well known for being an idiotic, impulsive moron, so he supposed it made sense that he was now running across the island at almost 3am, cheeks glittering with tears and letters clutched in his hand.

But no, he needed to do this, to see if the messily, emotionally inked words still held truth, praying that Sei's forever was still reality, not even registering the rare person he passed, probably drunk or high at this time. His goal was Sei, even though he had no idea what to say.

He knocked on the door way too loud for 3am, growing impatient as he didn't answer, but then of course he didn't, he'd probably had a heart attack, woken from his sleep by a knock that was almost a kick. But then he heard the lock unbolting and his familiar face was poking out cautiously, eyes widening as he took him in, taking a step back unconsciously and door swinging open the rest of the way.

"Mizuki, its three am, what-?"

"I should have fought for you."

He blinked sleep out of his eyes, adjusting his jumper so it covered his shoulder, it might be March, but it was cold out still and he hadn't much enjoyed the transition from his warm bed to the chilly early morning air. "What?"

"I thought you hated me, when you left, I thought you didn't love me. But I was wrong, I should have tried harder, I should have tried in general. I shouldn't have just let you go."

"Right." He just blinked, sighing heavily and nodding along because he had almost no idea what Mizuki was on about or where this had come from, still half asleep and trying to ease himself into consciousness.

"I didn't even kiss you before you left, I just left you to be lonely."

His breath had caught and his eyes finally flickered to the letters in his fingers, messily clutched and wind blown into crumpled shapes where his grip almost tore them, "you read the letters."

"Some of them."

"Why?"

"I missed you, guess I wanted to torture myself a little."

He didn't respond to that, just jumped in with an unrelated question he wasn't even ashamed to answer, "did you cry?"

"Yeah, who wouldn't?"

"Hm, I really didn't want you to…"

"You said, but, you said you'd wait, Sei. You said you'd wait for me to sort myself out, and I have. I get it now, why I acted like that, why I ignored you and acted so distant."

"Go on then."

"I… I guess I was scared too. I really, really liked you and I wanted things to work out but I was so terrified I'd fuck up that I didn't even realise I was fucking up. I guess I thought that if we spent too much time together that you'd get sick of me, so I ignored you instead because I'm a fucking idiot."

"Everyone gets scared, Mizuki."

"I know, but I never knew you were. Why didn't you tell me how much you hated it when we fought? You never told me you didn't want me to take the extra shift, or that you wanted to spend more time together, I thought we were okay then suddenly we weren't. Why didn't you tell me?"

"I didn't want to be clingy. Thought you'd get sick of me."

"Never, I'd never get sick of you. God we're both so stupid."

"Hm, guess three months is a long time to think things over."

"Oh shit, I haven't even seen you in three months. How've you been?"

"Pretty amazing actually, I broke up with my boyfriend, lost my home then had to move back in here by myself living on next to no money because nobody wants to hire me. I had to go into hospital because I was too miserable to eat, then Aoba moved to Germany with Noiz." He paused for a moment, tone not showing any emotion over what sounded like an unbearably horrible few months, voice only breaking as he continued, wetness of his throat overwhelming Mizuki's horror that he hadn't known about any of this. "Oh, and Grandma died last month."

His face had fallen into a frown and he could feel more than show the guilt he felt, thick in his gut, because Sei shouldn't have had to go through all that alone when he still had somebody who loved him a few minutes' walk away.

"Sei, why didn't you tell me?"

He just shook his head, tears falling fast now and shoulder starting to shake where he'd obviously been keeping this bottled up inside, "It's been, so horrible. And I missed you so much but I- I couldn't just- I mean we-" His words dissolved into meaningless noises and he hid his face in his hands now, outright sobbing on his doorstep in his pyjamas in front of his ex who he was still hopelessly in love with and had missed so much all this time. One hand fisting into his jumper over his heart, voice horrible torn and shattered into a million mournful, lonely, scared pieces so he sounded almost like a child, "my chest still hurts."

"Oh God, Sei I'm so sorry, please don't cry," he didn't know what to do, but surely he could still hug him even now, comfort him the best he could at the moment, knowing that no amount of comfort would help him feel better when he'd been through so much horrible stuff in such a short amount of time with nobody to turn to. His fingers gripped his shirt hard when he finally embraced him and he wondered absently when he'd last had somebody to hold him like this, somebody even to talk to, just holding him firmly and trying not to let the sounds of his sobs register because he'd always hated him crying. "Shh, I'm sorry, I'm here now, you're okay, you're okay."

But he wasn't okay, and he knew even as his suggestion to go inside was followed, realising how cold his skin was where his jumper fell down, baggy over his shoulders, smaller and frailer than he remembered and flesh horribly white against his tan, scarily so.

"Everyone just left at once, I don't even have any friends! They all just left me here by myself and then Grandma- She was all I had left and yo- I knew you were right there but I didn't- I didn't know if I could just turn up and- and cry on you or whatever." The cup of sugary tea Mizuki had made him was mostly undrunk, not able to focus on anything now but his sadness, all pouring out now he had somebody to tell it to, somebody he hopefully still trusted, curled up almost in his lap and breath still hitching and breaking.

"I would have come to the funeral with you, if you'd asked. Nobody should ever go to a funeral alone," he kept his voice soft and low, handing Sei a tissue when he reached for one and watching as he dabbed his eyes dry, tears still flowing but less erratically now, breathing calmed down only hitching occasionally.

"Mm," he shook his head and for a minute Mizuki thought he was going to say that he wouldn't have made him do that, like he would have seen it as a chore instead of something he would have done regardless of his and Sei's lack of relationship. "Aoba and Noiz came back for it. It was awful."

"Were you worried that I'd only be nice out of sympathy?"

"I didn't want you to have to pretend to care, I thought it would be awkward. I wasn't sure if… if we did part on good terms. I mean, I kinda thought we did but I didn't know."

"You didn't know if I still loved you, you mean?"

"Basically, I thought you did, but you stopped saying it… So I didn't know."

"I think I just assumed you knew, I should have kept saying it, right up until the end I should have said it." His speech was getting faster now, more certain because god he'd been stupid and had just assumed Sei knew he still felt the same, had assumed he didn't need reassuring when he knew that Sei was exactly the type of person who got nervous over the tiniest thing and needed to know things were okay. "Every day, so you'd be certain, should have left you notes instead of just disappearing and bought you flowers when you'd had a shitty day and rubbed your gross feet even though I hate it."

"My feet aren't gross," he frowned, face twisting into a pout as his mind was finally distracted from the misery he'd been existing in lately, the entire intent of Mizuki's words, because he knew Sei's feet weren't gross, and while rubbing them had never been his favourite thing, he didn't mind it because he knew it relaxed him.

"Fine, but you know what I mean. I shouldn't have taken you for granted, and I shouldn't have left you alone through all of this, even if I didn't know about it, I should have been there for you."

He paused for a moment to consider this, nodding tiredly and eyes slipping shut for a second, lips wet with tears and in a constant frown, downturned at the side and unable to perk upwards even for a second, just exhaling slowly and trying to calm himself. "You're here now."

"Yeah, I'm not too late, am I?"

"Oh I'm still a complete mess, don't worry about that." He tried to smile then and it was fleeting and sad and made guilt ring heavily in his mind because he shouldn't be smiling when his Grandma was dead, fading fast.

"That's not what I meant."

"I know. I said I wouldn't wait forever, but, I kinda feel like I would have done, if I'd had to." He sniffed again, wiping his nose with the saturated tissue and shifting closer to Mizuki, lying his head on his shoulder and feeling so exhausted he all but flopped against him, taking in his warmth, his smell that was like home, eyes growing wet again as he thought that. "I'm sorry you came back to this mess."

"I always did like looking after you," he smiled, noticing Sei's breathing grow slower and smoother, looking so exhausted and frail and sickly he felt incredibly worried, wondering if his hospital stay had really helped. "Did you eat today?"

"Mm, Aoba called and reminded me."

So he wouldn't have done otherwise? He didn't know what to say, eyes scanning the small room and taking in the cluster of orange pill bottles on the kitchen counter, deciding to ask about them tomorrow, to check he was really okay after a good night's sleep.

"Okay, you wanna go to bed?"

"Mm, I'm really tired," his voice had grown damper again and Mizuki wondered if it was just having somebody to talk to that was allowing his emotions to show so clearly, or maybe somebody he could admit weakness to. Somebody he could cry in front of for something so tiny and know they'd understand that his tired meant more than ready for bed, it meant weary to the bone and exhausted, just needing a break.

"Okay, come on, show me the way," he just nodded in understanding as Mizuki used a thumb to wipe the few remaining tears away, pressing a kiss to his head and standing carefully, accepting the hand he offered as Sei led them to his bedroom. It was easy, routine, to strip down to his boxers like he always used to, watching as Sei scrubbed at his face with his hands, shoving his hair off his forehead and sighing as he sank into the sheets. God it hurt deep in his chest where he'd been missing exactly this, the closeness as he lay beside him and pale, familiar arms came to wrap around him tight, burying his nose in slightly stale smelling black hair but unable to think of anything but how perfect it was. Ignoring their sadness and Sei's grief and the pain they'd put each other through and just able to be together again, just humming quietly into his hair until his tears ceased and the rise and fall of his chest finally grew steady.

He spoke tentatively over breakfast, unable to look away from where his collarbones had become deep bowls, only noticing now in shocking daylight how sunken his eyes looked and how sharp his cheekbones were, cheeks hollow and flesh seemingly stretched too tight over his skull. "Do you want to stay at mine for a bit? Not like moving back in, just to stay for a bit, until things get a little better. I think it would be a good idea."

"Mm." He answered almost instantly, because this empty apartment had never really been his and he knew he needed to be looked after, his thoughts had been dark lately and he was so terrified he'd do something he wouldn't be able to undo and would hurt his family more.

"Okay, you want to pack a bag then?" He knew he wouldn't eat any more, having choked down a piece of toast and some scrambled eggs before he lowered his cutlery to just stare at his plate blankly, too depressed to eat and looking so lost that Mizuki felt sick himself. He just watched as he stood up, disappearing to his bedroom and returning ten minutes later with a gym bag, leaving it on the kitchen counter and pouring himself a glass of water, uncapping two of the orange bottles with fingers that shook and swallowing down four white tablets.

"Sei," he paused, because they'd broken up now and maybe it would be rude to ask and just assume he'd tell him, but he needed to know what was going on so he could help, leaving his plate in the sink for now and approaching. "What are they?"

"Um, these are anti-depressants," he handed one bottle over as if Mizuki would be able to understand the complicated medical name, sniffing and wiping his nose as he handed over the second. "Those are for anxiety, and these are sleeping tablets. I- I've been having nightmares, so, the doctor said it was best."

"Mm, I- How much weight did you lose?"

He just shook his head, taking back the bottles and packing them into his bag, pouring the rest of the water down the sink and seemingly about to wash up, letting Mizuki take the plate and sponge from his hand easily and sinking into a bar stool. "I don't know, they didn't tell me. I just passed out one day and ended up in hospital."

"Okay," he didn't know what else to say, wondering just how he'd been even trying to function like that, wondering why the hell Aoba hadn't come back but knowing it wasn't that easy, Noiz had to work and he wouldn't want to be away from his husband, Sei would have lied and said things were fine, but he felt like this whole thing could have been avoided. He just sighed and washed the suds off the last plate, thinking absently that it was such an ugly pattern and Sei must hate them, drying his hands on the tea-towel. "You ready to go?"

"Yeah."

He heard his coil ring but he didn't move, he knew who it would be, the only two possibilities were Aoba and Noiz and he didn't want to hear their concern, to have to tell them that yes he'd eaten and taken his meds, which was true, or that he felt okay today when that was a lie. But then the ringtone cut off abruptly and he pricked his ears up, hearing his brother's voice and wanting to hide under the covers until everything shut the hell up and he would be left alone to wallow again.

But of course Mizuki had picked up and he sniffled, creeping out of bed and over to the door only a little reluctantly, cracking it open the tiniest amount so he could hear them, his brother sounding confused now as he spoke.

"Mizuki? You're with Sei?"

"Yeah, we um, well I went to see him."

"Oh. How come?"

"Guess I realised it was stupid of us to break up. He… How long has he been like this?"

"Um, well he's been down since you broke up, then me and Noiz moved and things got worse, then when Grandma died he just… I mean you've seen him, you must know how depressed he is. Did he tell you he had to go to hospital?"

"Yeah, not in much detail, what happened?"

"He just wasn't eating, me and Noiz didn't realise, he seemed fine the day he saw us off, but he collapsed a couple of weeks later. He just wasn't eating or drinking, or getting out of bed. He was only in for about a week, they- They had to tube feed him," his voice had gotten wet and Sei felt a stab of guilt he hadn't yet, not realising how unintentionally selfish he'd been, worrying his brother when he was too far away to help. He was chewing his lip without noticing it, skin already swollen and bright red where he constantly gnawed at it, lips splitting at the corners so it hurt to even try to smile or be happy.

Then Noiz's voice came onto the line, soothing and a little exasperated because it sounded like Aoba had really been torturing himself about this ,"babe, come on don't get upset, he's okay now. Who are you talking to? I thought you were ringing him?"

"I did, he's with Mizuki."

"Oh." Noiz's surprise was somehow more blatant than Aoba's and Sei had to admit that he was still not quite sure this was real either, "is that a good idea?"

"I'm going to look after him this time. Properly. I should have done before, but I'm going to now." His tone was firm and Sei's eyes were wet even before he noticed his breath had caught, because he sounded so damned certain about it and so guilty, almost losing track of the conversation, too deep in his thoughts.

"I think he just needs somebody to take care of him."

"Well I'm here now, I'm not going anywhere. I'll look after him, Aoba, I should have done all along."

"Mizuki, you didn't even know."

"I know, I wasn't there when I needed to be and it's my fault he's this upset. If we hadn't broken up maybe none of this would have happened. I- He's so skinny, Aoba, it's scary. I should never have left him alone, I should have just…"

Sei frowned, because he didn't like that, making a split second decision to emerge from the room, pretending to have just woken up and rubbing his eyes in feigned sleep, taking the coil when it was offered, Mizuki explaining it was Aoba then leaving to the kitchen to give him privacy.

"Aoba?"

"Sei! Are you okay? Mizuki said you two have made up now or something."

"Mm, we were being stupid before. But… I dunno, I guess we might try again or something. I'm just staying at his for a bit, I'm um… Not coping very well on my own, he said he'll look after me," and his eyes were wet again, voice catching and a sudden, unexpected sob leaving him, Aoba's alarm echoing down the coil not doing much to stop his tears because he'd been so lonely but now he had somebody to look out for him and somehow that hurt.

"Oh, Sei, don't cry again," but then the kitchen door had opened and the mugs Mizuki had been holding were rapidly abandoned in favour of sitting next to him on the sofa and pulling him into his arms, aware all Noiz and Aoba would be able to hear was the noise of fabric shifting and crying. "Aoba, I'll check in with you later, okay?"

"Yeah, um, okay I guess. I love you, Sei."

"Oh yeah, me too," Noiz chipped in a second later, too rapidly as if Aoba had jabbed him harshly with that glare he always did, Sei's tears hitching as he managed a small laugh, sniffing hard and turning to hide his face in Mizuki's shoulder, coil resting in his lap and still connected as Aoba waited for him to say it back.

"Me three," Mizuki's voice was softer but he was certain Noiz and Aoba would have heard it anyway, just wiping Sei's eyes dry with a thumb and kissing his greasy hair, thinking he needed to convince him to have a shower and change clothes soon, though eating was a priority.

"We're right here whenever you need us, Sei, no matter what."

It was Aoba who had spoken and Aoba who he should respond to, but he just wrapped his arms around Mizuki's neck and breathed out an almost reassured breath into his skin, nose nuzzling behind his ear, words calm like the briefest of pauses during a hurricane, "I know, I love you."

Dear Mizuki,

I'm tired, and small and sad, and I didn't want to get out of bed today. But then you kissed me hello and made me breakfast and all I could do was cry. I'm not sure why, maybe because I missed being looked after. Maybe because I just missed you, or maybe because now I have a reason to get out of bed and I don't know to feel about that.

You stayed with me all of today, you cancelled work and stuck by my side. You never would have done that before, no matter what. But maybe things are changing and maybe all this pain happened for a good reason, only time will tell I suppose.

My chest hurts a little less these days, it still twinges sometimes but you're only ever a little way away and you're used to my strange new clinginess now. You don't seem to mind yet but if you ever do I trust that you'll tell me.

We're going to tell each other things this time.

I'm glad you read my letters, and came for me, I really don't know what I would have done by myself. I feel like I wouldn't have lasted long, but then maybe that's just me being sad and morbid again.

I don't know, I'm just really glad I'm back, even if it is only temporary. I heard you talking to Aoba on my coil yesterday before I came in, I know I shouldn't have listened but I did, guess we're both nosy. This isn't your fault, I want you to know that, it's enough that you're trying to fix it.

All my love, always, Sei xxx