sorry for the delay in updates. i had been stunned into a near coma state by the latest few chapters of the manga. i hope you all enjoy.
Her, no his eyes widened. "You thought…" he stammered. "You… you thought I was a girl, didn't you?" Allen grabbed his clothes and hugged them against his body protectively. "You're so stupid… I'm so stupid; all this time you were nice to me because you thought I was something else!"
Narein was frozen in place. Allen was a boy. His stomach turned unpleasantly. All those nights he'd lay awake he'd been imagining a boy. I'm so messed up… His treasured Allen was a boy; and now that boy was crying. I made him cry… he thought dumbly. Oh man I really upset him; I'm dirt…what am I supposed to do now?! Narein regarded him carefully. He wasn't any different than he was before; he looked the same, moved the same, and sounded the same. Except he's a boy… Only Narein's perception was changed.
A lot of little things suddenly made sense. Of course Allen didn't notice his pathetic attempts at flirting. He didn't know to look for it. Of course he didn't want to let Miena dress him like a proper woman. He wasn't a woman. Of course he was surprised and shocked when Narein kissed him. Who kisses their best friend? Of course he always pulled away when Narein tried to hold his hand. But, then again, he never pulled away too fast. He always gave his hand a quick reassuring squeeze before he did; and he never minded letting him lean against him. Allen's so nice to touch… his mouth is, wow. I liked kissing him. I really liked it…
The little matter of Allen's sex should have made a difference; Narein was totally, pleasantly surprised to find that it didn't.
Allen had become so thoroughly ingrained in his heart, that he found he didn't care about the details. He had no interest in men, but loved Allen; that much was certain. He loved him for who he was. It was just a little different than expected, that's all. He would have to adjust. He didn't know the first thing about courting a boy and even less about how to bed one but if it was Allen he would figure it out.
"Allen don't go!" with renewed resolve he charged out of the water and after him. He grabbed his hand. I love this hand… "I like you!" he hated the desperation in his voice. "I never thought you were a girl…" he would lie if it kept Allen by his side. "I didn't like you because I thought you were anything but you. I didn't mean to treat you like a girl… I just didn't know how else to show you how much you mean to me!"
"I'm not a girl…" Allen repeated unhappily and rubbed his eyes. "You wanted to be my friend because you thought I was a girl. Now you're gonna leave me cause I'm not what you wanted…"
Narein sighed. "Allen you are what I want…" he's scared I'm not going to be his friend anymore. In some dark corner of his mind, he knew that he was going to take advantage of that. He would use that fear to bind Allen to him. "If you still want to be friends… let me kiss you again." Guilt settled over him like a thick blanket as Allen made a high worried sound.
"Cause we're friends, right? Friends kiss each other here?"
"Yes…" Narein dared to move closer. "Friends kiss; it's perfectly normal." Narein was worse than dirt, but it was worth it. Allen would get used to it, given enough time he would be comfortable with it. Narein just had to go slow. Allen was worth it.
Taking the boy's silence as consent, he leaned in and took Allen's face in his hands. His skin was so soft. Narein was painfully aware of how little clothing they were wearing. Water still streamed from Allen's white hair. He kissed him carefully, taking his time. Allen's hands were on his shoulders, lightly pushing at him; he was shaking. Narein ignored it and tried to deepen that kiss. Allen went rigid with fright, a high panicked sound escaping as Narein pushed his tongue past those pale lips. The boy was crying when he pulled away.
"That bad, huh?" Narein sighed with a lopsided grin. Please let me… how do I show you what I feel?
Allen shook his head. He wouldn't look at him. "Not bad… just bad." He shivered slightly. "I'm scared."
"Why?" Narein fought the urge to embrace him and lost. Allen didn't hug back; he just stood perfectly still. "It's just me… you know me." Allen's thin body was incredibly tense; Narein rubbed little circles on his back. So soft… "I would never do anything to hurt you. I like you Allen."
"I like you too." Allen mumbled. "Please, let me go now."
Narein sighed. They were talking about two very different kinds of like. Allen wasn't interested; he was terrified. He dropped his arms instantly when Allen asked him to let go and stepped back.
"Hey Allen…" Something about this didn't feel right. Narein pulled his hand through his wet brown hair; he was determined not to force him. It was taking all his will power, but he was going to let Allen make his own decision. "It's ok… really if you don't like me…"
Allen didn't let him finish. He meant to say 'if you don't like me like that, then we'll just be friends.' Instead the boy had darted forward and threw his thin arms around his neck. Narein was too surprised to say anything else.
"No! It's not that, you're my best friend!" Allen said firmly. He took a deep breath and steadied himself. Narein moved and absently encircled his waist, delighting in the sensation of damp skin against his. Allen's breath tickled the side of his neck as he spoke. "I'll do what you want… just don't stop being my friend." His voice was soft, but it wasn't weak.
Narein smiled despite himself and let his noble intensions slid away. Well, if Allen was willing… He sat down on the soft grass bringing the other down with him. Narein guided Allen to sit on his lap and felt those pale legs brush along his sides. Just a little bit… He stole another kiss and laced their fingers together.
"Narein…" Allen hissed and halted all movement. "I don't like this. Let me up ok?" Narein nodded and released him. The boy shot backwards as if he'd been burned. Those pale eyes were far too wide. "Let's go back…" he mumbled and quickly started pulling on his clothes.
The boy was silent as they walked back to the palace grounds. Narein was sure he hated him now. He wouldn't really blame him if he did. This was all too confusing. "Allen?" he started, not even sure of what he wanted to say.
"I don't hate you."
Narein grinned. How does he always seem to know what I'm thinking? Am I that easy to read?
"I'm just scared, that's all." Allen admitted. "I don't like it…that kinda stuff, it hurts." His soft voice dropped down to a whisper. "Now that I know what you want… I'm scared."
Narein nodded with understanding. This was all new to him as well; he was scared of how he felt too. "I won't hurt you…" he assured him. Allen shot him an unconvinced look. "Does your master hurt you?" That notion had been bothering him for awhile; Narein couldn't bear the thought of that red haired devil even touching his Allen.
Allen choked. "Not like that! God, Narein!" Allen made a sick face. "He's evil but… ugh."
Narein shrank back a bit. He had gone all this time thinking sweet Allen was the devil's concubine. He should have known better than to assume. He opened his mouth to apologize, but Allen cut him off again.
"I'm his apprentice… he's training me to be an Exorcist. And you are really stupid." Allen flashed him a weak half grin. "And 'Allen' is a boy's name."
"How was I supposed to know that…? I'd never heard it before."
"I'd never heard 'Narein' before and I still knew you were a boy."
"Well," Narein snipped, feeling a bit defensive. "I'm a little more obvious about it."
Allen shoved him with enough force to knock him down. "You're a real idiot you know!" he yelled before taking off.
Narein sat where he landed. I have really messed this up… He played back everything that had happened in his mind again and again, trying to figure out all the moments where he could have handled things better. Instead his mind decided to replay the sensations of Allen's bare chest against his own. Narein swore.
He thought about what it would mean for him to love Allen; he couldn't figure out where he fit in. Hijras crossed his mind, but he knew he wasn't one of those odd things. They acted as women and danced obscenely at weddings, but otherwise kept to themselves. Allen was from a country that didn't even have them, so he couldn't be one either. He was pretty sure he wasn't a kothi either. There was nothing feminine to his looks or actions. He raised an eyebrow as he considered it. Allen might be one of those. But it didn't seem like he was doing it on purpose. The boy wasn't acting as a girl; he was just naturally gentle, kind and soft spoken. Narein sighed and rubbed his eyes; there were just too many words, making too little sense. He stayed there until dusk when he was sure he wouldn't see Allen before walking back.
"Miena!" The first thing Narein did upon arriving home was call for the only other person he could talk to. He screamed her name again. If any one could help him understand the confusing jumble in his mind, it would be his dear sister. "MIENA!"
"What?!" she flew out of the kitchen at the sound of his pained voice. "Narein?" Concern etched on her pretty face, she grabbed his shoulders and stated looking for injuries. "Are you alright?!"
"I'm fine…" at least physically he frowned. The rest of me may just be messed up beyond repair…
Miena sighed with relief and cuffed him. "Then why did you come in here yelling like you lost a limb?!" she hugged him as she relaxed. "You really scared me there brother… I thought my heart was going to burst with all the excitement. Don't do that to me again."
"Ok…" he agreed numbly and let his sister lead him across the room to sit.
"Now…" she smiled fondly. "Tell me what's wrong?"
Narein didn't know where to start. How was he supposed to tell her that he was in love with a boy? He had trouble just saying it to himself. "… everything…" he finally sighed and put his head in his hands.
"Alright…" she said smoothly. "I'm going to get you a cup of tea. Take a minute and calm down." She gave his shoulder a comforting pat and went back to the kitchen.
Narein wondered if he could even say it to her. Surely she would understand; she met Allen and already approved. It was so much easier to think about when the boy was right there before him. All he had to do was look at those strange pale eyes and he knew what he felt was something real, something important. Out here, away from Allen's intoxicating presence, he felt nervous and sick.
"Allen's a boy!" he blurted out abruptly as Miena returned.
"Oh!" Miena blinked in surprise at his outburst. Then she did something Narein never expected. She smiled at him. "Did you figure that out on your own or did he tell you?"
"You knew?" he took the cup of tea she offered and stared at her. "You knew and you didn't tell me?"
She smiled. "Don't feel bad… I wasn't sure at first. I figured it out when he came over to eat with us and I dressed him up. I knew right away when he didn't was change out of those silly under shorts."
"I am so stupid…" Narein moaned, feeling disgusted with himself.
"No you're not stupid…" she echoed and sipped her tea. "You just weren't paying close enough attention." She looked him in the eye. "Remember… that night I asked you about how you felt for Allen… even if he was different than what he seemed."
"Yes… but you did say 'she' not 'he'…"
"And what did you tell me?"
"That I loved Allen." He couldn't seem to look at his sister. This was so embarrassing.
"And do you still feel that way?"
"Yes."
"Then I don't see where the problem is…" Miena replied. Narein let a smile creep onto his face. She was giving her permission. He didn't need permission but he was glad to have it anyways.
"Thanks… its all just words isn't it?" harmless words.
"One more thing…" Miena said a touch of seriousness in her voice. "It's best if you get these behaviors out of your system here and soon, while you can get away with it. When we get to England… courting other men will not be tolerated; especially if you want to be a respectable doctor."
She left Narein sitting alone with the distinct impression of not being understood at all. "But…" he whispered. "It's not 'other men'… I only love Allen."