A/N: Hey you guys! Thanks for sticking with me and my story, I can't thank you guys enough! It's harder than I thought it would be to write Bucky... He's a ball of angst and confusion lol. Anyway, here's chapter four... Maybe there's some smut...? Oooooh... ;)

Chapter Four

Rae glared at her hair in the mirror as she attempted to comb a product that boasted "frizz free hair!" through the mass of curls. What a bunch of lies, she thought impatiently. She was being more meticulous about her hair than usual; a friend of James' was having a New Years Eve party and she was avid that he brought Raelynn along as well. She wanted to make sure that she actually looked put together. She didn't want James' friends to mistake her for a homeless person.

"He tells his friends about me," Rae said out loud to Boots, pausing running the flat iron through her hair to scratch Boots behind the ears, eliciting a satisfied mew from the cat.

It had been about two months since they had last seen each other, and while Raelynn was busy with finals and work, James came to the café almost every day (bringing her a bouquet of roses each time—she was beginning to grow fond of flowers).

I really wish that I was in a pair of yoga pants instead of this stupid dress. When Rae mentioned in passing that she was going to a party with James, Emilie took it upon herself to drag Rae to some fancy store and make Raelynn try on multiple dresses until she was finally satisfied.

"This one. This is the one. Your boyfriend is gonna lose his shit. Damn, girl, I think I'm a little gay for you right now." Emilie had gasped out when Rae begrudgingly stepped out of the dressing room, decorated in a short navy blue dress.

"Are you sure? It's kind of missing the back. I like my clothes to have a back." She twirled in the mirror, checking herself out from all angles. "Hm, although… I really do look amazing."

"Seriously, I'm a little gay for you in that dress. Buy it. Now."

She silently thanked Emile for forcing her to go shopping as she swiped on wine tinted lipstick. I think that Emilie was right; James is going to lose his shit.

Rae panicked slightly as there was a knock on the door. Be cool, Rae. No reason to be anxious, his friends are going to love you and everything is going to be peachy.

She glanced in the mirror to make sure that everything was in its place and that her makeup was immaculate and then dashed to the door.

James' jaw dropped slightly when she opened the door and Rae felt a rush of satisfaction. Nailed it. "Wow. You look… wow." He looked her up and down slowly and Rae felt her face flush slightly.

"You don't look to bad yourself—wait, what happened to your hair?" She gasped and his hand flew to his head.

"What? You don't like it?"

"No, I like it, but I liked your hair long as well." She feathered her hands through his new haircut. "But it's nice short, I can see your face. And I don't like it when my boyfriends have longer hair than me." She smirked as she threw on her jacket. "Let's roll, handsome."

x x x

Bucky stared down at Raelynn's hand tightly enfolded within his (his right hand, he had made sure to always to offer her his right hand), feeling conflicted.

After weeks of procrastination, Bucky decided that he was finally going to tell Raelynn the truth about his past, but he was terrified. How am I even going to tell her? "Hey guess what, I'm a bionic assassin?" How will she even react? I can't bear to see her looking at me in disgust and horror…

"Hey, what's going on in there?" She poked his bicep. "You look like you're going to throw up."

"Sorry, I'm just sort of nervous."

"Why are you nervous? I'm the one that should be nervous."

"Well, my friends are an eclectic group and I'm just hoping that everyone behaves their selves and doesn't embarrass me. I've worked hard to make you think that I'm cool."

"Trust me, you're not that cool."

"Liar."

"Mm, maybe just a little bit." Raelynn looked up at the building that they were headed towards. "Wait a minute, this is Avengers Tower, isn't it? Are you an Avenger?"

Bucky paused. "By association, I guess." He pulled Raelynn into the building after swiping his security pass and after entering a code and swiping his pass again; he pulled her into the elevator. As the elevator ascended to the top floor of the building, Raelynn squealed with excitement and Bucky watched her, amused.

The doors popped open and James automatically held out his right hand and Raelynn immediately wove her fingers through his.

"Bucky!" Steve made his way over to him, with Sharon Carter close behind him.

"I knew that was Captain America," Raelynn mumbled to herself and Bucky grinned.

"So, this is Raelynn?" Steve asked once he reached the pair.

"Yes, this is my girlfriend," Bucky tried unsuccessfully to keep himself from grinning like an idiot when he said the word "girlfriend". Compose yourself, Barnes. "Raelynn, this is Steve and Sharon."

"I remember you from the café! You're Captain America!" Steve paused for a second and Raelynn pressed her fingers to her mouth as if she was trying to make sure that she didn't blurt anything else out.

"Sorry, whoops. I meant, 'hello, it's splendid to meet you.'"

Both Sharon and Steve laughed loudly and Bucky slipped his arm around her shoulders, laughing internally at how she was unable to control herself when she was excited.

"So, this is the infamous Raelynn? She's adorable, Barnes," Natasha said as she made her way over to the group. Bucky shot her a warning look, which she deftly ignored. She held her hand out to Raelynn.

"I'm Natasha Romanoff. I'm glad I get to finally meet you. Bucky is always gushing about you. I can see why."

Raelynn shook Natahsa's hand heartily. "I'm so sorry that you had to endure that. Yes, I'm Raelynn Văduva. It's great to meet you as well."

"Văduva? That's Romanian for 'widow' correct?"

She looked surprised. "Yes, that's exactly correct."

Natasha winked at Bucky. "I like her even more." Bucky pulled Raelynn away before she could begin to ask about Natasha's statement.

"I like her, she's very pretty. But in a dangerous sort of way." She said when he pulled her into the kitchen.

"She tried to decapitate me when we first met."

"Excuse me?"

"Nothing. I need a drink, do you want a drink?" Raelynn waved her hands. She began giggling as he took a sip of champagne. "Are you laughing at me?"

"No, of course not… Barnes." She did her best imitation of Natasha's throaty voice and continued giggling.

"You are laughing at me! Stop it!" Bucky laughed in spite of himself, ruining the wounded look her tried to give her and she began to laugh in earnest.

"It's just that you're so nervous, even more so than me. You're kind of cute when you're nervous," She began giggling once again.

"If you don't stop laughing at me, I'll have to make you."

"I'd like to see you try, Barnes."

Bucky set his glass down and in one swift motion, her wrapped his arm around her waist and pinned her against the wall. He brought his lips inches away from her ear, making her react in such a delicious manner. "Maybe I should prove it to you, Rae." He placed his lips against her skin and she gripped the collar of his shirt tightly.

"Well, this is inappropriate." Bucky groaned as Tony Stark's voice greeted them from the hall. He took a deep breath and composed himself.

"Raelynn, this is To—"

"Tony Stark. I also answer to Iron Man. I'm guessing that you're Winter's girlfriend?"

"Winter?"

"It's just this dumb name that Tony has for me."

"Oh. But, yes, I'm the girlfriend." She said proudly.

"Good job, Barnes. I'm surprised, I thought that you were going to lie in your room and be angsty for the rest of your life. I like your haircut by the way."

"Thanks." Bucky mumbled.

"It was lovely to meet you," Tony said, pressing a kiss to Raelynn's hand, causing Bucky to glare at him, and then he excused himself.

"Wow, Tony Stark… he's kind of the douchebag that I imagined he'd be, but a nice kind of douchebag." Bucky chuckled; it was the best and nicest descripition he'd heard of Tony lately.

"Come on, there's more people I want you to meet."

x x x

Bucky was so wrapped up in watching Raelynn as she was deep in conversation with Sam and Clint, that he didn't even notice Natasha siddle up to him. "You really need to tell Raelynn about… everything."

"I can't. I know that if I do tell her, she'll look at me with disgust and never want to be around me again. I can't bear for that to happen."

"I've seen the way she looks at you, there's no way that you'll lose her Barnes, but it'a a risk that you need to take. And if she does break your heart, I'll kill her." She flashed him a smile before she joined Clint's side.

Natasha's right, I need to just get this over with… Even though I really don't want to…

"You were making angsty puppy dog eyes over here all alone. What's wrong, sailor?" When she laid her hand against his chest he made up his mind.

"I have something that I need to show you, Lynnie." He grabbed her hand and pulled her away from the party and into his room. He shut the door behind him and he stared at her, trying to find the right words to say.

"Okay, James, you are freaking me out. What's wrong, did I do something?" She sat on the bed and looked at him, her eyes worried.

"No, it's not you." Bucky paced back and forth in front of the bed, his mind reeling. "Okay. Okay, I have something that I need to tell you, that I should have told you from day one, but you have no idea how terrified I was… Still am," he corrected. He paused and took Raelynn's hand, kneeling in front of her.

"Lynnie, you asked me if I was an Avenger, and the answer is no. The Avengers are heroes, the help people and I'm… I'm the opposite. I'm a villian." He dropped her hand, trying to mentally ready himself for the moment when he saw the revulsion in her amber eyes. He reached inside of his jacket and pulled out the small remote that Tony had given to him. He took in a deep shuddering breath before he rolled up his sleeve and pressed the button. The hologram flickered off and all that was left was his metal arm.

"This is who I really am."

She was silent for a moment, which to Bucky felt like hours. Finally, she spoke in a low voice: "Oh… So, that's why your always so adamant that I'm on your right side."

"You noticed that?"

"A little bit, yeah." She reached for his hands, but Bucky pulled away. "There's more to the story." Bucky began to pace again as he cleared his throat anxiously.

"In a past life I was known as the Winter Soldier. I was captured by a terrorist group known as Hydra and brainwashed, used in countless missions. I killed a lot of people and I wrecked a lot of lives as well. In this building alone, I've killed Tony's parents, I shot Natasha twice, and I tried to kill Steve. Oh, and I pulled the steering wheel out of Sam's car, but we agreed that it was kind of cool.

"Anyway, the point is that I'm not a good man. I'm a murderer and I don't deserve to be around you; these hands don't deserve to hold you." He stopped pacing and he dared to shoot a glance at Raelynn, who looked bewildered.

"How the hell did you pull his steering wheel out of his car?"

"Seriously? Lynn, that's what you took away from this?"

"Sorry, sorry, it's just that all I heard was that you were used against your will and used, James. That is not your fault." Rae stood up and closed the distance between them. She took his face between her hands, her thumb stroking his jaw. "James, do not blame yourself for the sins of others. Do not blame yourself for what you had no control of. You are not the villain; you are the victim of the atrocities that were forced on you, okay?"

"God, you're smart. You're going to be a damn good psychologist."

She chuckled. "I know."

Bucky sighed. "But still, you have no idea what it's like to have everything that makes you who you are ripped away. To have your mind stripped away and used as a puppet. I can't go back to who I was before."

"You're right, you can't go back to who you were before. That's always going to stick with you, but you can forgive yourself and move on."

"You know, it's hard to be so angsty when you're being so wise."

She rolled her eyes. "Sorry. So, that stuff about you being a soldier, is this what you meant?"

"Well, somewhat. I was actually in the Army… some time ago."

"You're not twenty-six, are you?"

"Not anymore, no. But I look great for my age, right?"

"I do like my men older. Older and former assassins."

Bucky laughed and let out a sigh of relief. This went vastly better than I had hoped. "Do you want to go back to the party?"

"Well, we could, but I believe you said that you had something that you wanted to prove to me…" she arched her eyebrow as he ran her thumb across Bucky's bottom lip, amber eyes focused on his.

Oh, that...

Raelynn giggled quietly as Bucky wrapped his arms around her waist, pulling her onto his lap. His left hand gripped Raelynn's hip tightly as he wound his right hand into her hair. Raelynn captured his bottom lip between her teeth and tugged slightly as her hands deftly began to unbutton his shirt, impatiently untucking it from his trousers. Bucky's hands responded in kind, slowly unzipping Raelynn's dress, never breaking eye contact with her as he did so.

Rae squealed as Bucky laid his palm against the small of her back. "What?"

"Your hand is cold," she said through a fit of laughter.

"Oh. Sorry." He started to pull his hand away, only for Raelynn to place it back against her skin.

"No, it's okay, I don't mind."

"Hm. I had no idea that you were so kinky." Raelynn swatted his arm as he smiled against her neck, reveling at the feel of skin against his lips. The sound of my happiness lies in those small sighs of pleasure, he decided.

He rolled her onto her back, straddling her hips, interlocking his hands with hers. He looked down as he had never seen anything so bizarre.

He trailed his hand up her thigh, tracing patterns against her skin while he watched the reactions playing across her face. Realization hit him hard as he focused on Raelynn's response to his touch that he was in love with her, and that shook him. He battled for control of his emotions, losing out eventually. I can't do this. What if I...? He trailed off, not allowing his mind to think the atrocities he was capable of, the possibility that he could hurt her. I can't keep hurting people I love.

Raelynn laid her hand on his chest delicately. "James, what's wrong? Did I do something?"

He laughed humorlessly. "Definitely not." He turned onto his side, facing her. "I'm just afraid. I can't do this. Not like that, don't get me wrong, I want to, but..." He trailed off in frustration.

"It's okay. I trust that you wouldn't hurt me. You just need to trust yourself as well."

"I don't think I know how." He captured her hand and placed it back onto his chest, directly over his heart. He held her close as he inhaled the scent of her shampoo and the intoxicating sweetness of her skin, finding that it calmed him immensely. He sighed heavily. "I'm sorry."

"No, don't be sorry. I understand that you need some time. Just tell me what you need me to do."

He thought for a moment before sighing again. " I don't know." He laid his head against Raelynn's chest and listened to her heartbeat and she ran her fingers through his hair.

"That's okay, too. I just want you to know that I'm here for you." Bucky heard the patience in her voice and he marveled once again at how lucky he was that she had came into his life.

Her hand left his hair and she began to run her fingers over the area where the metal of his arm met his shoulder. "What do you remember?"

He set his jaw as he brought up the memories of the Winter Soldier. "Falling. Thinking I was dead and then wishing that I actually was dead. I remember a lot of confusion and anger, and then just being lost in obscurity."

She continued to caress his arm as they laid together in silence. Bucky listened to her breathing as it grew soft and shallow.

There was a raucous din from the living room and after glancing at the clock, he discerned that his friends were celebrating the New Year. Bucky pulled the covers over himself and Raelynn, pulling her close.

"Happy New Year, Lynnie," he murmured softly as he tucked his face into her hair. For the first time in a long while, he was able to shut his mind off and fall asleep.