EPOV:After Bella Left The Restaurant
When I walked back in the restaurant everyone was still seated and wore somber expressions. Well except for Tanya. She was still going on and on about how her life was just one big red carpet after another. She made it a point to drive home the fact that even though she didn't go to an ivy league school she was still an example of what a woman can become with the right motivation.
My mother actually agreed with her on this one point. She looked Tanya square in the eye and said, "Your right Tanya, you are exactly what a woman can become with a specific motivation in mind."
Alice started giggling and my father had to pretend to cough into his napkin to save from showing the smile I saw tugging at his cheeks.
Tanya was to say the least confused and took it as a compliment. She held her glass up and said,"here here" I hung my head and closed my eyes. I couldn't believe the most amazing woman I had ever known or wanted to know had walked out of my life and in her place was this shell of a person sitting next to me.
If I thought the entire table wouldn't point and say "that's what you get", I would have been crying right then and there.
I felt a tugging at my arm and cracked an eye open to see if by some miracle the banshee was replaced with an angel named Bella. Sadly I was met with ice blue eyes that reminded me of a wraith.
"Eddie pay this and lets be on our way already!"
Tanya slapped the check in front of me and began gathering her purse and wrap. I grabbed my wallet and took out my credit card. I was hit with a fresh round of pain all over again when I realized I was now technically out on a date with her. This woman had now met my family and would be accompanying us to the theater. I was paying for her meal and pulling out her chair.
I felt like I was in some sick alternate universe where all things good were replaced with your absolute worst nightmare.
I wanted to share these things with Bella. I wanted her to have my coat draped over her shoulders when she got cold or hold my hand when she felt sentimental during the play.
Instead I had Tanya on my arm and when she held my hand I found any reason what so ever to let go and fidget with my playbill or get a drink.
Finally the play ended and I made no effort for small talk. I stood up shook my fathers hand and kissed my mothers head. I hugged Alice and had a silent conversation with my eyes to Jasper.
Tanya waved to my family and turned to leave. She stopped dead in her tracks and turned to my mother. "Esme dear, I hope when we all get together again we'll find time to bond. I know we didn't get much time tonight with Alice's little friend monopolizing you. But maybe for 4Th of July we'll find the time at your family picnic."
My mother stood with a pleasant enough smile on her face to the outsider, but we Cullen's knew what was going on underneath.
"Oh I'm sorry Tanya. See our family picnics are for immediate family only. Our holidays are the only times we get to catch up fully and enjoy being a family together. As tradition stands only Cullen's and their fiances or husband or wife are allowed to attend. Well, we do have a couple of exceptions... like Jasper and Bella, but we've considered them family since the moment we met them."
My mother smiled sadly as if it hurt her to deliver that news. I knew better. So when Tanya gave her an icy look and said,"But you've only met Bella tonight right?" I knew the message my mother was sending.
"Why yes dear we did only meet her tonight, but it feels as if shes belonged with us all always." and with that my mother walked by and patted Tanya's cheek. Match. Set. Point.
I drove Tanya to her home and after walking her to her door she turned to me and pulled me in by my hand. I steeled myself at the door and made to pull away but that didn't deter her. She pulled at my shirt and began kissing and nipping at my neck.
I hadn't been intimate with Tanya for over four months. I barely gave her a chaste kiss on the cheek at most. I had no idea why she hung around and more importantly what she was getting out of this arrangement of hers.
I pulled back and shook my head, I had no desire to play the charade tonight. With that I turned and walked out the door only to hear whimpering as I shut it tightly behind me. I honestly didn't care if she cried for hours or days.
I felt like my world was gone and though I felt that way I could see how life had just gone on ahead without me. I sat in my car and attempted calling Bella again. It rang and went to voice mail. Again. I had been trying to call her since she drove away. I sent texts during the show as well, but none were returned and I was sick with worry.
As I drove off my phone started buzzing I quickly grabbed it and pressed talk hoping to any god that it was Bella."Hello?" I said in a panic.
"Son we need to talk." shit. I knew I was gonna have to face the wrath that was my father sooner or later but I was hoping to have things squared away with Bella first. So much for that plan.
"Hey dad" I said with a heavy breath. "Look I know you and mom must be really upset and I deserve everything that you will give me and more, but please I just need you to be there for me right now" I was starting to break down internally and externally and I needed for someone to tell me things would be alright.
"Oh Edward" my father said in what was a sympathetic tone. "Where are you son?" "I'm on Michigan ave" I said.
"Your mother and I are at your sisters place. Come over and we can talk alright?"
I knew Bella lived on Alice's block and the thought made my heart leap at the chance of being so close to her. "Okay dad I'm on my way"
As I made my way south on Michigan avenue. I thought about stopping by and checking on Bella. I wanted to hold her and tell her how sorry I was. I wanted to kiss her pouty lips and make things right with her again.
As I passed her Loft I slowed to almost a standstill. I sat in my car and looked up to see her lights were off and I briefly wondered if she had come home. The dark image and somber feelings churned my stomach.
With one last look I continued down the block and approached Alice's home. I pulled into the parking garage and found space near my fathers Mercedes.
With one last shaky breath, I stepped out of my car and made my way to the 7th floor. When the ding notified me of the arrival, I made my legs move forward.
I was starting to feel the effects of tonight in a serious way and my body was starting to let me know I had to shut down and recharge. I couldn't even if I wanted to though.
As I let myself in, I saw that my mother and father were standing around the kitchen drinking coffee and talking in whispers. Alice was sitting on the couch with Jasper and flipping through channels.
"Hey everyone" I announced my presence and was rewarded with looks of pity, anger, and disappointment. The pity came from Jasper. The anger from Alice and lastly the disappointment from my parents.
I sat at the dining room table and placed my head in my hands. I deserved the anger and disappointment and I was ready to accept the fallout.
A gentle hand touched my left shoulder and I looked over to see my mother next to me with a sad expression."Edward, honey... how could you do that to her?" It was my undoing and I fell apart right there.
"I didn't mean for this to happen...I...I swear I would rather die a hundred deaths than ever hurt Bella! Its just that things got mixed up and complicated and I didn't face it head on like I should have. I let Bella down tonight!"
I thought I was done but another sob bubbled up bringing with it more words of regret. "She's my entire world! I hate myself more than you could ever know for what's happened...and...I...Ughhh! I don't know how to fix this!"
My mother started patting my back and my father had taken a seat to my right. When I looked up I saw a look on his face that could only mean he was trying to understand my thought process. When he spoke next I was sure I wouldn't be spared anything no matter how hard it was for me to hear.
"Edward, who is Tanya? We've never even heard you mention her before...ever."
Well hell here it goes.
"Well, Tanya and I have technically been dating for eight months, but..." I was cut off by a sharp intake of breath from the corner. When I turned I only saw Jasper's back following my sister to her room. Great.
"Eight months son? How could you let Bella into your life this way if you were already committed to another woman? It shows horrible character and is just wrong anyway you look at it!" I knew he was angry and disappointed and from the sound of it I'd say a bit disgusted.
My mother spoke up next. "Did Bella know about Tanya?" well this would not be easy to explain.
"I never told her Tanya was my girlfriend. I just told her I was helping her through something and that until it was resolved we would have to keep things hushed." I felt like a cad just saying it out loud. I felt ill all over again.
My mother kept her eyes focused but I could see the frustration beginning to leak out of them.
"Bella said she would be whatever I needed her to be right now because she loved me and wanted to support me no matter what the situation...I really took advantage of it. I feel horrible as it is. I just wanted to keep her...I was afraid she would find someone else...she's..well..she's magnificent."
Saying the words out loud made the reality of what I had done even worse. If I had been listening to this conversation as an outsider I would have been revolted by the things that were coming out of my mouth.
I had taken Bella's loved and twisted and bended it to fit into what I needed it to be. I didn't once look at it from her position or question my actions because in doing this my way I got to keep her. I got to keep her from the grasps of other men and leering eyes of her form at clubs and bars around the city. She was mine...and I wasn't fully hers.
My mother took a seat to my left and began.
"Yes Edward, she is amazing to say the least. I couldn't have chosen someone better for you myself, but its all broken now and to be honest it may never be repaired." I knew it was true but I didn't want to hear it.
"Edward" my fathers voice was low and angry. I knew he was beyond disappointed with me.
"You made that girl believe you were hers. She came tonight with the intention of meeting and joining a new part of your life..."
I didn't know who he was talking about so I Iooked up to get a read on his eyes to see if they would give something away.
"You don't know if I'm speaking of Bella or Tanya do you?" he called me out on it. I dropped my head and shook it no.
"That is what's worse to me. I may not like even an iota of Tanya, but she is a person nonetheless who deserves the truth from her partner and lover." I stopped him there.
"She's not my lover!" I spat out. I didn't want my love for Bella sullied any further.
"So your not intimate with her then?" my mother asked skeptically. I shook my head no.
"Not for over four months." my dad released a breath he had been holding and looked relieved.
"look guys, Tanya was in an abusive relationship when we met. I felt bad for her...she was a friend first and we developed feelings for each other over time. But they were never very strong..for me anyway. I tried ending things but she just wouldn't hear of it. She thinks thinks of me as a crutch of sorts. Anytime I tried to end things she becomes frenzied and says things like she'll be lost and have to go back to her ex. I couldn't just turn my back on her to live like that again. I thought I could help her get her life back and maybe her career again...her sister just came back in the picture about two months ago and she moved in with her. I thought it would be the turning point but it didn't change. I've been trying harder since Bella came into my life to get Tanya out completely. But its done nothing. I want her gone but I just don't know how to do it."
My dad immediately chimed in with an aggravated tone.
"It's not your job to take care of her Edward! You've done the best thing for her you could. Its her turn to take the reigns of her life."
Coming from my father I knew it was the truth. Jasper had been saying it for months, but I just ignored him. I didn't have a Bella to live for then.
I heard my mothers pain in her voice when she added her opinion.
"From the display I saw tonight Edward, her confidence is more than intact and her priorities are for a life of wealth and fine things. I saw the way she threw the check at you... like you were there to cater to her. There was no thank you, no concern as to if you wanted anything else...just "pay this already!" No she's holding out for the life you can give her...well for the life you already do give her." my mother finished by shaking her head and left the table.
"Its late and we must be going, but can I say one last thing?" my dad asked.
I nodded to him.
"Bella is nothing like Tanya...I...well I know that's obvious but I want you to understand the difference and what it means for you." I nodded in encouragement for him to continue.
"Tanya told us all that if she didn't have you she would be lost...I don't doubt the sincerity in those words. But on the flip coin, your mother hit the nail on the head...Bella doesn't need a man to lead her in this world. She wont wait for you this way Edward. Her life has doors open to her and if she's smart she'll take them." tears started again in my eyes and I couldn't stop them anymore.
"I'm not saying shes better off without you son. I can see you care for her. But having met the girl and speaking with her... well I'm just saying a girl like that wont be alone for long. She has her life together and is ready to take big steps when they arise. I hope you find the happiness you want Edward, but please don't do it at her expense. She should be happy too. Certainly you wouldn't begrudge her that."
"Dad I love her. I cant be without her." I whispered
He was silent for a moment and made no move to leave. Finally he spoke,
"You don't love her Edward."
I was angry now. What did he know of what was in my heart?
I was about to say these very words aloud when he hit me with, "Love places the person its directed to at the top of your priority list... Just hear me out okay?
As much as I wanted to say no, I couldn't. My father had never once given me advice that wasn't sound, and that fact had my stomach in knots as to what his words would carry. I didn't want to even imagine a world in which Bella would not be by my side. Reluctantly, I nodded my head yes for him to continue.
"What I mean is, there isn't anything I wouldn't do for your mother,nothing. I would break laws, defy nature, search for anything and be anything for that woman. I love her. Its that simple. And never in the worst of circumstances would I be able to humiliate her the way you did Bella tonight. Especially in front of my family. I...well...I just could never do it. And that means I could never ask her to put herself in that situation for me no matter how greedy a man I may be for her love. Her happiness is all I crave. Its been that way for twenty four years now. I suppose it always will be."
He finished his speech and knelt down to me.
"Love like that is given freely. Its not really a choice at all. Tonight Bella showed that love for you son. She could have made a scene. She could have made an excuse to leave...but she endured that humiliation because I'm sure she didn't want to embarrass you. She loves you and though I may be baffled as to why after all I have heard tonight, she loves you anyway. Earn that son."
I was stunned into silence. He was right, I was so busy focusing on being in hell that I had forgotten to ask myself why she would endure it all. She sacrificed her pride. She put up with snide comments about her job and her education, she put up with another woman in her place by my side. To top it off she was replaced for the evening plans with my new date, and when it was all said and done, she held her head up and honorably went away to endure her humiliation alone.
A fresh wave of hate hit me hard like a brick wall. I thought I would die from it. It was so painful I wasnt sure anyone else could survive it.
I hated myself.
My parents had left and I was sitting at the table alone when Jasper came out of the room.
"Hey man" he said.
He sat down next to me and I nodded.
"I'm sorry about tonight man" his voice low and pained.
Jasper was the kind of friend that when you hurt, he hurt.
"You have nothing to be sorry about Jas. There was nothing you could have done tonight to make it better."
"What are you going to do?" he asked.
That was the million dollar question. I knew I needed to end things with Tanya but first I needed to make amends with Bella.
I hoped she would still want me after all that had happened... when I fixed the Tanya aspect. I should have done this six weeks ago..hell four months ago.
"I need to see Bella first to know that"
He had a look of confusion then asked, "Are you going to stay with Tanya if Bella wont have you?"
Oh I see what he meant.
"No. I'm done either way, it's over tomorrow morning. But as far as Bella is concerned, I want to make things right. If we can talk through things tomorrow then I will make it my new life's goal to secure her hand by six months time. If we cant then I will need to work just as hard to secure her love again."
Jasper smiled at me and nodded. I gave him a weak smile in return as he stood to return to Alice and tell her the revelation I'm sure.
It was approaching two o'clock in the morning, and I couldn't wait for the sun to rise. I needed to get to Bella and see if we could fix this mess and start fresh. I was counting down the hours as I made my way to Alice's couch.
I just lay there and think of how good and pure Bella was. I thought of everything my father had said to me and how many mistakes I had made along the way since the moment I had met her.
I didn't sleep...I just rehearsed everything I needed to say over and over again until it was time to make my way to my life, my love, my Bella.