Chapter 4, part 1
I hold Brittany's hand, it's cold; she hates surgeries and doctors scare her. Although she knows Hiro is not a doctor and the operation will be quick, she takes one look at his tools and tears out the door. Hiro and I share a look but he returns to checking that his set-up is complete and equipment is oiled while I follow Brittany's path to the bathroom. I take a seat next to her on the edge of the tub and rub her back softly. Distress is evident on her face; she looks sickly and just about ready to dry heave or something equally as awful.
"Do you trust me?" I ask. Brittany remains silent, breathing in and out at an uneven pace. "Brittany", I say softly needing her attention. Again, there is no response only the continuous rhythm of her breath and the sound of her pounding heart. I bring my hand to cup her cheek, running my thumb across her smooth skin – paler than usual; it's soft and so smooth like she hadn't aged a day. With my hand I turn her head to face me and I lower my determined eyes to lock with her frightful ones. Staring into my eyes calms her down; it takes my breath away. I convey all my strength and will into our gaze, we don't need words, and I know she can feel everything. "Promise me you'll hold my hand and not let go till it's over", her request comes out in a whimper. I nod resolutely, if I am to be her anchor preventing her from losing herself to the ghosts of fear then so be it. Five minutes later Brittany is lying in bed unfeeling, her grip on my hand slack but I hold onto her as if she may die if I let go.
Hiro is fast and precise with his work. His competence occasionally distracts me from analyzing Brittany's emotionless face; there is not a crease on her forehead. I know I don't need to worry because Brittany is in good hands, but when do I ever not worry about her? I tell Hiro his work must be done with 101% accuracy or I will kill him. Hiro chuckles and jokes that I didn't even care this much when he worked on me. I glare at him and he acknowledges that I am serious.
When the most precarious part of the operation is done and Brittany's tracker is crushed under my foot for good, Hiro takes a break from fussing over Brittany. He sits beside me and lets out a sigh of relief. He says my constant scrutiny made him nervous. I manage a smile knowing the worst is over. The house is quiet, a little too quiet for my liking. I ask Hiro to check on the boy downstairs. Artie wanted to be with Brittany during the operation but I told him kindly it wasn't an appropriate time. Artie sulked back into his seat in the kitchen. Maybe my tone of delivery was too harsh but it was a very reasonable and perfectly logical answer, I'm sure he understood.
Hiro comes back and informs me the boy is up to no trouble, but that he wants to see Brittany and I try to curb my annoyance of his persistence. Silence settles again for a short moment till Hiro brings up the subject we never discussed. He asks if I ever found Charlie. I don't have an immediate answer, I don't want to lie but the truth will break his heart. "Ummmm I did get a hold of some information", I remain elusive while thinking of the best way to let him down gently. Hiro nods his head, waiting for the vital conclusion. I find no way of softening the reality for him. "Charlie is an agent Hiro", I spell out clear as day," and she was using you to get whatever she was after; I'm sorry". Hiro shakes his head in disbelief; he tries to tell me it's not possible, that what happened between them was real. He wants me to tell him I'm joking, but I can't, and he reads it in my eyes. I grip his shoulder with my free hand and squeeze, sympathizing with him. Hiro gets up and tells me Brittany will wake up in less than an hour and says he'll be back to check on her tomorrow. I offer him my bed for the night but he turns me down. He says he needs solitude, I understand because that's what I needed when Brittany almost broke my heart.
I've been holding Brittany's hand for almost two hours now but I never want to let go; I'll never be able to get over the security I feel when my hand is cradled in hers. I watch her sleep peacefully and I appraise her with my eyes; she's even more gorgeous and beautiful than before, now that she's grown into her body. I move from the bedside chair to sit on the bed. I love being close to Brittany, she does things to me that no one else has or ever can. I can't be near her without touching her; I can't look at her without my heart speeding erratically. I can't breathe the air next to her without wanting to breathe in every scent that is a part of her, from her hair to her neck and other places.
Right now I can't watch her sleep without shedding a tear because finally Brittany is here with me, holding my hand - safe. I wipe the tears out of my eyes; I don't want anything restricting my view. I wish Brittany would wake up because I need to see those irresistible blue eyes; the ones I can't stand to look into without getting forever lost. I move my gaze to her lips, slightly chapped but still so appealing. I want to kiss her, want to taste her lips and see if they're still watermelon flavored or if Brittany has traded her old Lip Chap for another more exotic one. I want to feel the spark and the tingles I get every time her lips touch mine, the way it felt the very first time I kissed Brittany.
Word was getting around about my record; polls had me leading the devil by three and everyone else by who knows how many. I didn't know when I started keeping track or when it had become a game but now I was out to kiss as many boys as I could to keep my winning streak. It's not that I even liked kissing boys, they were rough and tried too hard it wasn't even pleasurable. Sure the first time I kissed a boy was when I started sneaky Saturday and I thought it felt ok, not bad but not how I expected. After that if a boy was good looking enough and flirted with me, I usually gave him a try. My official record was 12 and counting.
Brittany never understood why I wanted to kiss boys when I would just come back and tell her how terrible, awkward, or sensation-less it felt. She didn't get that after I started kissing boys, so did 666 then other girls did too and now I had to keep up my reputation. I didn't care that everyone was calling me a slut because I considered myself a winner and I wasn't about to give up my crown. Recently, the devil had been gaining ground and closing the gap, I could feel she was becoming more popular than me.
One evening there was a rumor that the devil had finally caught up with me. It turned out to be true. I knew I had to do something to get ahead - to keep on top, so I stormed into the computer room; my eyes fell on 666. She was standing there flirting with some dude. What better way to stay ahead and to warn 666 not to mess with me than steal her thunder. I began a steady pace towards the two and slipped between them before they knew what was happening, I reached to pull the tall boy into a scorching smooch but he grasped the situation in time and retracted with a jerk. I lost my composure and fell to the floor. "What are you doing?" The boy shouted, he was clearly overreacting and now had every agent's attention on us. The room went silent as I picked myself off the floor and straightened my top. Without warning there was a sharp sting on my cheek, I lost balance and spun to my left. I looked at my attacker and saw her hand raised in the air for another blow. I deflected that one with my upper right arm and knocked the wind out of the devil with one left upper cut. The boy instantly dropped to kneel by her as she tried to recover from the blow. "Don't you think I will ever kiss you worthless bitch", he spat at me. I told him to go to hell because the devil he adored wasn't much worse than me, and then I marched back to my room with a red cheek and a ripped ego.
Brittany was just leaving the room when I got there, but when she saw the marks on my face and the tears threatening to spill from my eyes, she grabbed my hand and silently lead me into our room.
Brittany sat me on the bed and ran to get a cloth in the bathroom. She returned shortly and started caressing my cheek with the damp cloth, concentrating on putting only the slightest pressure on the sensitive skin. Her eyes kept darting to mine never asking but always wondering. Brittany knew me well enough to not push for answers till I was ready to give them.
Brittany removed the cloth from my cheek to get a good look at the red slashes, my dark skin probably camouflaged most of it because she observed so closely her nose was practically poking my cheek. Before I knew it Brittany was putting soft, deliberate pecks on the marked flesh, it felt good and miraculously the sting was fading with each kiss. I shifted a little bit and Brittany stopped. Now that the moment was ruined I awkwardly asked her what that was for. Brittany put on her mega watt smile and said she learnt from her mom, that when someone gets hurt on the outside we can always kiss it away, but when someone hurts on the inside it takes a lot of things to help them feel better. "I know you're hurting on both sides, Santana, and I want to help you feel better." Brittany said then wrapped her arms around my neck and cradled me, rocking back and forth. She let go and said that's what they always do in movies. I let out a small laugh; I was feeling better already.
"So you want to talk about it?" She asked shyly. When I didn't answer right away she assumed the opposite. "You don't have to of course if you don't want to, or if you want to be by yourself I can leave. Mom says sometimes people need space and our room isn't so big so I'll go wait in the bathroom or in the cafeteria", she was blabbering now, "- or on the roof, is there a roof here, because I've never been there? Actually I'll just go now", she hopped off my bed, but before she could go anywhere I grabbed her wrist and pulled her back down. I tugged harder than I meant to and Brittany ended up sprawled on my bed sort of lopsided. She looked at me questioningly.
"Ummm, I'm sorry can you please stay? I need someone to talk to", the words rushed out of my mouth. Brittany smiled and righted herself into a sitting position, nodding for me to begin. I told her everything that had happened and she listened intently. I finished and looked at her for some sort of reaction." Oh you're done the story"; she seemed to wake up from a slight daze. "Yeah that's it, exciting huh". Brittany shrugged her shoulders. "You shouldn't have stolen her guy", she reprimanded, "but she shouldn't have slapped you because you didn't really kiss him; and he shouldn't have been so mean to you even though you punched her because she hit you on the cheek first and the good book says actually she's supposed to let you hit her on the cheek too, I think".
"You're adorable, you know that? "I told her, even though she got that whole turn the other cheek thing wrong – I know cus' I was forced to read the Bible at home.
"I'm being serious here", Brittany huffed. "So, I know your cheek must have hurt but I know it wouldn't make you cry, are you gonna tell me about your inside hurt?"
I responded with a smirk, "First of all Brittany, I wasn't going to cry." Brittany blew a puff of air through her pursed lips, she knew I was just denying it." Second, I have no great pain on the 'inside'. I might have been a little pissed that the guy couldn't go along with it and just let me kiss him, and then none of this would have happened. But I'm fine now".
"So you got mad because you didn't get a kiss", Brittany summarized. "Pretty much", I shrugged. "Well why didn't you tell me in the beginning so I could make you happy again?" I raised a perfect eyebrow, not sure what Brittany meant by that. "Close your eyes," Brittany demanded. I did as she said. I took a deep breath and waited for something to happen; I kept waiting, why was I even closing my eyes? This is stupid I thought. As I was about to crack open my eyelids I felt a pair of lips gently pressed against mine. Stunned, I opened my eyes to see Brittany up against my face kissing me. We stayed like that for a minute before Brittany pulled back and opened her eyes. I remained the same, completely shocked. I tried to say something." Did I do something wrong?" Brittany began to worry." I thought you wanted a kiss so I kissed you". Still no words were finding their way out. Brittany was clearly frustrated now, "I'm sorry if you didn't like it. Was I a bad kisser?" As if she was having a moment of realization she continued," I'm a super bad kisser aren't I? I've never kissed someone like that before, I…." Brittany got up to leave out of embarrassment." I'm so sorry", she said as she rushed for the door.
Thank God I finally woke up out of my trance; I flew after her, "wait!" Brittany didn't listen, she gripped the handle and flung the door open but I got there before she could step forward and slammed it shut. Now Brittany was trapped between the door and me. She turned around to face me beet red, I was sort of panting from the sudden sprint.
I caught my breath for a few moments. Brittany looked everywhere but directly in front of her. Brittany, I tried to get her attention but she refused to look at me. Brittany look at me, I demanded. She slowly lowered her gaze to meet mine. We stood there staring at each other for a while; I'd never looked into her eyes like this before and I never realized how clear blue they were. Brittany bit her lip waiting for me to do or say something. "You're not a bad kisser Brittany", I started, "I mean I don't know if you're a bad kisser or not because I was kind of shocked so I couldn't judge, I'd only be able to ascertain your skills if we were to kiss again when I'm not having a brain freeze". It was Brittany's turn to raise an eyebrow. My mind caught up with my words and I realized what I had just said.
"Not that I'm going to kiss you or anything," I tried to explain, "I mean I was just saying that if you want to know if you're a good kisser we'd have to kiss again because" – I stopped talking. I was saying the same thing all over again, why can't I think properly right now, what the hell is wrong with me?
"Show me how it's done than", Brittany spoke almost inaudibly. Wha..What? "Kiss me". She was giving me a look that I'd never seen before, her eyes flickered to my lips and back up.
Without thinking I licked my lips, realizing I wanted it just as badly as she did. Slowly I leaned forward, never taking my eyes off hers. My lips grazed Brittany's before I went in all the way and captured her moist lips in a soft kiss, sucking lightly on her bottom lip. She didn't look away; her eyes communicated everything she felt. I moved to her upper lip and sucked it, pressing harder. Brittany's soft moan turned me on even more. I continued to kiss her like I had never kissed anyone before; it felt so right the way my lips moved seamlessly against hers. Without warning she started to kiss me back, creating suction between our open mouths. She took my breath away. Kissing Brittany felt amazing, like nothing I had ever felt before.
I closed my eyes savoring the feeling and the taste of her lips. We broke apart for a few seconds to steady ourselves and take in more oxygen, during which I tried to cope with the new emotions I was feeling. I felt Brittany carefully wrap her arms around my neck and pulling me in to her. I stepped closer so that I was pressing my whole body against Brittany and placed my hands on her hips finding a small sliver of warm skin where her top had ridden up. From her unwavering gaze I could tell she wanted more, I couldn't contain my desire either, so we both leaned in and locked lips again. It was like magic, the way she moved her them against mine. We found a steady pace, the longer we kissed the more I could feel a sensation within my stomach, like a firecracker that wouldn't stop prickling. It moved downward shooting straight to my core.
It was becoming too much for me, I felt like my body would explode from the sensation. Breaking the kiss, I stepped back to give Brittany and myself some space to breathe. I daringly looked into her eyes again. I only needed a small glimpse to gauge if maybe she was feeling the same way I was. Looking in her gemstone eyes was a huge mistake, they transfixed me immediately and I couldn't look away, it was the best mistake I made in my life. The emotions in her eyes mirrored mine, they were clouded with desire and passion and something else; something like love. All I know is that I've never felt this way with anyone else. I didn't believe in love at first sight and the whole soul mates garbage, yet I could no longer deny the feelings I got from being close to Brittany every day. I never want to leave her side even for a moment. Without knowing I had become so protective of her I would kill anyone who dared hurt her physically or with their words. I didn't want to admit it, not to Brittany and not to myself, but I knew that kissing Brittany was the final affirmation of my greatest denial; I was in love with her.
That night we wished each other goodnight with concealed smiles. Sleep didn't come easy because my mind kept flipping through the scenarios that could come as a consequence to what we did. In the morning there would be questions and Brittany wouldn't be satisfied without an answer, she always got her way like that. Except I didn't have an answer for her, I couldn't tell her I loved her because I wasn't sure; I didn't know what love was or if this was what it felt like.
But if the amazing feeling I get when I'm with Brittany is love, I don't want to lose the possibility of having it. In the morning I will tell her.