Chapter 4
Charlie woke up in a large white room not knowing where he was.
'Dammit! This is what I get for making out with a random white guy at a rest stop in 1617. Waddafuck is wrong with me?' he mentally scolded himself. He then tried to sit upright in his bed when a huge stab of pain shot through his side.
"Eez jussa leettle peench, my boy," came a soft, soothing (and slightly seductive) whisper into his left ear. It was an old man dressed in priest's garments.
"I take froom you, my beauteeful boy, zee blood, yeez." said the old man, petting Charlie's hair.
The man was holding a large needle and a large bottle of Charlie's fresh blood.
Charlie was extremely scared. He attempted to get out of the bed but the priest had him pinned to it with his wrinkly body. Charlie closed his eyes and blindly kicked at the man. His foot landed straight in between the man's legs, right in the nuts. The man let go of Charlie and let out a loud moan of pain. Quickly, Charlie ran out of the room in search of his companions.
"Vwait my boy, my beauteeful boy, zee blood eez not taken yeet!" cried the old priest just as Charlie slipped out of the room.
Charlie found himself in a long, narrow hallway. The walls were white, and there were five bright pink doors on both sides.
Charlie then went in the second pink door to his left. He had no idea why the fuck he decided to do that but it felt right so the heck with it.
When he went inside, he saw a pale girl with dark brown hair beautifully framing her face. He instantly fell in love with her peaceful face and wondered who she might be. He inched closer and closer so he could get a better look when suddenly the girl's eyes fluttered open and he recognized her from the taxi.
"Charlie... Charlie... my hero, come to save me!" cried Allison, who was tied to the bed.
"What-who are you?" Charlie cried, "hold on, Let me get you untied!"
While Charlie was untying Allison, Daniel came bursting through the door, panic-stricken. He had been searching for Vanessa frantically ever since he woke up.
"Good, you guys are okay. Have you seen Vanessa anywhere?" gasped Daniel.
Charlie shook his head.
"But there are priests everywhere," said Charlie.
"Yeah, I know. And frankly, I don't care. I must... find... Vanessa! God, I sound like Morgan and his shit!" cried Daniel. He then bolted out the door in search of his beloved.
Charlie looked back at Allison.
"Come on, don't worry about them. We have to find a way out of this place without any of those priests coming back." said Charlie.
"They're protestants from Prague. All they're interested in is stopping us from flushing the shit in the toilet of doom. I think they might have taken Morgan's shit a long time ago because they didn't want us to flush it down the toilet of doom!" said Allison, throwing the ropes aside and jumping off the bed.
Allison then led Charlie out of the room into the hallway. She then went to the door next to hers to see who was in there.
"Knock knock," Allison said as she opened the door. She then proceeded inside with Charlie following close behind. They were bewildered when they got a glimpse of what was going on in the room.
Sophia Flay, a half white, half asian woman dressed in a long brown shit colored robe with a cross hanging over her neck, was standing in the center of the room, looking straight at them.
"Oh my god," said Charlie, "Who is that?"
"It's Sophia," said Allison, "She's working for the Protestants. I should have known!"
Allison had hated Sophia ever since she had met her one Summer when she was still in middle school.
Charlie then ran to Sophia and started licking her.
"What in the hell are you doing, Charlie?!" Allison shrieked. Charlie then looked at her and immediately realized what he was doing was wrong and started to apologize. It was too late.
"I'm sorry, I couldn't help myself. I'm drawn to her evil protestant powers." cried Charlie, just as Sophia's eyes turned a nasty shade of shit.
She grabbed him by the neck. Her grasp began to tighten to the point where Charlie couldn't breathe.
"Stop it you evil, evil creature!" shouted Allison. She slapped Sophia on the back repeatedly, but Sophia resisted and refused to loosen her grip on Charlie's brawny neck.
Just then Morgan (who was still naked), Daniel, and Vanessa burst through the door. Melabie came afterwards stumbling in while making out with some hot doctor. Everyone was staring at her awkwardly. It was so awkward that Sophia let go of Charlie because even she was in great shock. She ran outside the door, glaring at them briefly before she left.
"Dude, I thought you said you wouldn't date men till you were thirty!" Vanessa said to Melabie, astounded.
Melabie could barely unlock her lips from the handsome doctor. She gasped for air.
"I'm fucking 21. I can do what I want!"
"Look, let's get out of here. Sophia must have gone to go get some more Protestants. Also, I have this sudden urge to fuck Vanessa Greene right now. And to go and throw Morgan's shit into the toilet of doom," said Daniel.
Vanessa blushed. "Uhh... what he said. The second part. Come on guys, let's all get moving!"
They all then ran swiftly outside to find that their taxi was nowhere in sight. Melabie then started to sob uncontrollably.
Vanessa brought Melabie into her arms and began to cry softly along with her. However, the bittersweet moment was short lived, because as the fellowship of the shit stood on the curb of the road, scared and clueless, they could faintly begin to hear the noise of a car zooming at a nearly uncontrollable pace. Vanessa lifted her head up from Melabie's shoulders, looking around desperately to find out what the noise was. It was definitely a car, and as it sped closer and closer towards the group, they realized, to their amazement, that it was Lilly Greene who was behind the wheel.
Lilly stopped with an abrupt skid and nearly collided with the group on the sidewalk.
"Ah fucking shit," sighed Lilly as she climbed out of the car. Vanessa then slightly screamed out of astonishment for her mere 12 year old little sister was wearing nothing but skimpy lingerie.
"What in the actual fuck are you wearing?" Vanessa exclaimed, "And why the fuck are you driving a fucking car?"
Lilly looked at her angrily but then realized who she brought along with her.
"Oh shut up Vanessa, I'm perfectly capable of driving a Ferrari. I mean I am Lilly fucking Greene. Also, I think you'll like who I brought along in my lovely vehicle." They all peered into the brightly colored Ferrari and saw none other than Gerard Way and Taylor York much to Allison and Vanessa's delight. Gerard was the lead singer of the rock band My Chemical Romance, and Taylor was the lead guitarist of Paramore. Vanessa was obsessed with Gerard Way and had a huge crush on him ever since she was a little girl, and the same went for Allison but for Taylor York. Lilly had met both of them at a bar and had bought them drinks. They had gotten just a tad bit too drunk, and had become the best of friends.
"Hey sexy beasts," said Gerard, "Us rock stars have come to help you dispose of the shit." Everyone cheered.
"There's no time to waste, you guys," said Charlie, "Let's get a-crack-a-lackin!"
Everyone shuffled into the car as quickly as they could. After everyone had buckled their seatbelts (Gerard insisted that safety came first) Vanessa screamed, "Step on it Lilly!"
Lilly, whose foot barely reached the pedal, stepped on the gas and the car sped away down the road. What they had failed to realize as they made their fabulous exit, was that Brandon Flowers, the head of the Protestants, was staring at them from a distance.
They all were tightly packed in the Ferrari. They were so packed that Morgan had to be put into the trunk. However, Allison and Vanessa were actually pretty okay with being squashed, since they were right up against Taylor and Gerard. Once safely on the highway, the complaining started. Everyone was becoming uncomfortable and all of a sudden everyone was craving Mexican food.
"Fuck me! I want some mexican grapes now!" complained Taylor. Allison and Vanessa couldn't help but giggle.
"Yeah, hey Lilly, my home lady, let's stop at some sort of mexican shithole so we can have some grapes of the mexican kind over in our shanizzle," Allison offered in her lovely African American voice. Lilly happily obliged and sped towards the nearest Taco Bell.
Gerard was the first out of the car once they got there.
"Oh Jesus, my legs are killing me! Mmmm!" he said as he began to stretch his back. Next came Taylor, Allison, Vanessa, Melabie, and Charlie. Daniel and Lilly got out from the front of the car.
"Should we let Morgan out of the trunk, you guys?" said Daniel looking towards the back of the car.
"Ehhh. The kid'll be alright," said Taylor. They all shrugged and went into the Taco Bell.
Gerard was the first to the counter. He was eager to get himself some coffee after the long ride in the car.
"One coffee, black please." said Gerard to a zitty teenage girl in pigtails behind the counter. She nodded her head and took the others' orders as well. When it was Taylor's turn to order, he made it very clear that he wanted mexican grapes, not just any other regular ol' breed of grape. It had to be mexican.
The chipper girl finally gave them all of their food and they all settled near the corner of the restaurant. Gerard, being very eager to take his first full sip of coffee after a very long time in the car, started to gulp the coffee down before realizing that it tasted very strange.
"Umm, I think that girl either roofied my drink in order to have wild sex with me, poisoned me so she could fuck my dead body, or she put shit in my motherfucking coffee. I mean who would do that shit? God, teenagers just scare the living shit out of me with their weird thoughts!" Gerard cried.
As Gerard crept into Vanessa's solid embrace, Vanessa opened the lid to find that there was indeed shit in his cup. While Vanessa was enraged, she kept calm anyways as to not frighten Gerard. Suddenly there was a scream beside them which scared Gerard into hysterics who was gripping onto Vanessa for his sanity.
"These are not mexican grapes!" Taylor fumed.
Allison ran over to Taylor's table. He had just sat down with a large plate of bright purple grapes, and was clutching the sides of the table in anger.
"I specifically asked for mexican grapes! Where is the sombrero? Where is the mustache? What do they think I am, a freaking button that they can just press whenever they want to? No! I'm Taylor! My name is Taylor!" shouted Taylor.
Allison attempted to calm him down, but it was of no use. Taylor continued to shout, and finally, he got out of his seat and threw the entire tray of grapes into the trash can which was beside him. At this point, the entire restaurant was looking at Taylor, and the manager had come out of her office to see what the noise was about.
The manager's name was Sanjina Vishnu, and she had been busy writing an essay about small crimes that she had committed in the past when she had heard the shouting.
Taylor walked up to Sanjina angrily.
"You call this a mexican restaurant?" he cried.
Vanessa then also followed suit with a crying Gerard on her shoulders.
"Yeah! What kind of restaurant sells coffee with shit in it and tries to trick customers into thinking that normal grapes were mexican grapes? We are not a bunch of boobs here! We are on a mission to save the world and food like this just isn't gonna cut it!" Vanessa screamed. This caused Sanjina to be overwhelmed with great guilt but she hid behind a calm facade.
"I am sorry for your inconvenience, Miss, but I just don't see any difference between grapes from the U.S. and grapes from Mexico. And I'm very sorry for the feces in the coffee, but all we can do right now is get you a new one for a dollar," Sanjina said in a steady, graceful voice.
"Well, ahem Miss, Miss, Miss... Miss - erm?" said Allison.
"Vishnu. Sanjina Vishnu." said Sanjina Vishnu.
"Okay, ahem, Miss Vishnu. Just because you don't see a difference between Mexican and American grapes doesn't mean other people don't. This means a lot to my Tay Tay and you can't just dismiss his feelings like that!" fumed Allison.
"Indeed, and you can't dismiss the trauma that my dear Gerard is going through right now," stated Vanessa.
Little did they both know that it was in fact Brandon, the head of the Protestants, who had caused all of this, and that he was presently peering through the drive-through window, impressed by the outcome of his plan.
"Very good," whispered Brandon to himself, "Hopefully that will hold them up for a little while... that way I can initiate part two of plan B."