Alright so I know you guys were waiting on the Post Umbara chapter that was supposed to come out. I was working on it and I can't seem to get it the way I want to yet so I'm still working on that one.

But I did type this up, its post Khorm if anyone read the comics it's the one where Wolffe loses his eye to Asajj Ventress and lives because he's just so awesome. I did tell myself I wouldn't type up a post Khorm one because there a graphic novel on this but it doesn't really deal with the whole aftermath of Wolffe losing his eye but I happened to see Jasjuliet's art on deviantart and it inspired me to write this. You can check out the image before reading this but that's what it's based off of that so the writing style may seem a bit different.

Ch:4 Post Khorm

He'd been at it for three hours now, brooding. Sinker had come and gone as had Boost and Comet. Others had come to visit laughing and joking around, doing everything and anything to get a reaction any reaction out of him. He'd tried to follow in on their conversation tried laughing with them, at them, tried loosening up but though a small part of him was enjoying the company what was left was devoured by a miasma of darkness filled with guilt and pain.

He swallowed thickly as he sat on a stool observing the bacta tank to his left. The one he'd occupied only hours ago. The dull sound of medical equipment hummed in the background of his senses as his thoughts propelled him onto the planet whose atmosphere they had just recently exited. It had been forty eight hours since his last skirmish on Khorm. Twenty four hours since his men had fully secured the planet and twenty seven hours since he'd been freed from his captivity which had occurred because he'd been clumsy. With his eye lost and still recovering, running half on adrenals and half on anesthetics he'd missed the signs of an ambush. The signs had been scarce but there were enough to have set him on his guard. The fight was a disoriented mess; he had had only half a squad with him and they'd all went down in nearly minutes. The interrogation that followed was even messier. They'd thought he'd lost his eye and he had, thought if they threatened his last remaining eye he'd cave in. He didn't, he had an implant new as it was and raw as his flesh from the lightsaber wound was he'd make do if he had to. And make do he did. The agonizing moments ticked away as they questioned him. Poked and prodded at him with their metal contraptions his eye spared only due to the other tortures they had subjected him to. Spared because he had been rescued in time.

General Koon himself led the assault, lightsaber blazing, the men a whirlwind of blaster fire. Sinker's tear stricken face was the last thing he remembered before finding himself back on the ship swimming in bacta. Then he'd found himself awake out of bacta. Then back in the tank and then out. And now a good several hour soak later he was out again, the verdict him being almost fit for duty. Almost, he still had a cybernetic to adjust to. Several exercises to run to ensure his muscles returned to peak efficiency. Meds to take, simulations on his eye to run. All in all he was a mess and Coric new it. He'd be lucky to be out of the medward in a standard week let alone a month. But there was so much work to do, and they had been deployed again.

He'd never been a good patient. Motion meant distraction, meant he didn't have to feel, only think, strategize plan. Injury meant recovery and to him recovery was a living hell. It gave him too much time and too little to do with it. When he was tortured he'd been sure he'd die. But he'd been saved. And through the entire ordeal one question remained. Why?

His hands shook before his lone eye the other still behind fresh bandages. He'd taken a lightsaber to the face and he had lived. He'd been captured by the enemy. Tortured for a good several hours, after barely a day had passed of being pulled out of the bacta tank he was in for losing his eye to a lightsaber. But still he had lived. General Koon had taken a strategic setback just to free him. He and no one else for there had been no other survivors. The mop up of enemy forces would have taken three hours less had breaking him out taken a secondary priority but if that had occurred he'd have been dead. So the question remained why?

Better men then he had died. Men with far lesser wounds and men with far lesser reasons. Died because their General had pushed on, leaving the men for dead. Or for an Evac that never came. Or an Evac that had come hours too late. He'd heard the stories. Men lying strewn about on the battlefield moaning for water, adrenals, loved ones, a release from their suffering. He didn't need the stories though, he'd been on those battlefields he'd seen it all with his own eyes. He'd just been fortunate it hadn't been his men. Had been fortunate it hadn't been him…not him…not yet…not this time around. The sight of those fields still haunted him even now. Even at night when he slept they crept into his dreams unbidden half-truth mixed with his deepest of horrors. Sometimes it was his own men he'd find strewn on the battlefield in fields of snow or sand, fields of tropical fauna or swamps of far flung planets. Sometimes it was the men under the command of his other brothers. He'd awake after each nightmare in cold hot sweat. He'd stare at his haggard reflection in the mirror of his bathroom calming himself with the words it was just a dream just a dream…to only be left with the fear that it was just a dream that could one day come to pass…

He startled suddenly at a hand on his shoulder. He'd been facing away from the door and hadn't realized someone had entered. It was a hand but not a human one, of four digits and warm scaly skin.

He swallowed. It was time for his report. It was the first time in his mission report that he wasn't sure where to start. Because in truth he'd been so high on meds he couldn't remember where it had all went to the sith hells. "Didn't tell them anything, Sir. I didn't compromise the mission." Because the mission had been compromised, but not by him. The separatists had received a holo right when they had captured him. It had been the voice of a droid but it was obvious it was masking a human voice of that he was almost certain. Someone had given their fourth platoons objective away. He would give the full report later when he was cleared fit for duty by Coric and claimed psychologically fit for giving a report that could be considered accurate. He forced his shaking hands to still as despair washed over him. He tried to clamp down on his thoughts to remain calm before the General but he just couldn't force himself to do so. Too much had happened in too short a time and he was left reeling at the memories phantom pains coursing through his body as it tensed remembering another hand gripping at his shoulder sharply not too long ago while shoving him around the room to roughen him up before the real interrogation began.

"Wolffe."

"General?" Despite how neutral his face was he knew his General would see right through him. See how broken he really felt. How broken he really was.

"I did my duty…I'd never betray the Republic sir." It was true all too true. General Koon new this. But despite that doubt leaked through him. He'd never betray the Republic, but what about the Republic? The number of lives lost the number of men littering the ground. He knew war. Knew not everyone could be saved, but a sliver of doubt remained wishing desperately that somehow they could have all been saved or at the very least more could have been saved than had been. Wishing the Evac's came in good time. Wishing they weren't all spread out so thinly. But through it all he knew he'd fight to the death for the Republic even if it cost him his life.

"…no matter the cost. Never, Sir…but…" He swallowed looking away in shame as his hands clenched against his will and his breath hitched. He had been compromised. The meds were talking carving the ache of guilt home. A survivor's guilt. Why had he lived when so many had died? What made him different? Why had his General come for him? Why did he deserve to have someone come for him when many of his other brothers had no such a luxury?

He could feel the pressure of his General's hand squeezing his shoulder in reassurance. It was so different from the hand of the man he had been tortured by. But he couldn't. The words were at the tip of his tongue but he couldn't bring himself to say it. Didn't trust himself to speak, because if he spoke he wasn't sure if he could hold himself together any longer. He was just so exhausted of all this. Of running of fighting of seeing his men shot right before his very eyes.

"Please speak freely Commander." He swallowed thickly and turned his head albeit slowly to meet General Koon's even yet saddened and compassionate face. The General always knew what to say, always knew what to do. It was that which gave him the strength to speak. "I…" He looked away in shame at his own weakness.

"I know you value the lives of your men, Sir. I just…you came for me, but…" The words came unbidden to his mind and though he did not speak them he felt them sharply and clearly. Why? Why me? Why do I deserve to live when so many have died? He should have died several times over. In Abregado, in that pod locked down for maintenance, those two times on Khorm those several times he was nearly shot down in the field or in a Starfighter but his men had had his back. He wasn't supposed be able to survive all of that. Any one of those should have been enough to end him but they hadn't. He was still alive still breathing when so many had died. He couldn't explain the feeling it was like a damn of agony welling up inside him. He'd never felt so vulnerable and so useless in his entire life. It didn't matter that he was on meds, didn't matter that he'd just lost an eye little more than several days ago, that he was tortured little more than twenty seven or so hours ago. He was Commander Wolffe he should know better should know to keep his head screwed on straight. He should have seen the ambush should have been able to avoid it. Should have protected those men. But for all that had occurred he just couldn't hold it in any longer. There was just so much pain so much fear so much anger.

He just needed someone, anyone to tell him that it was alright, that it would be alright. That him living through where others would have died was alright. "Even so…" It was a selfish wish, he had so many brothers but even so, he was responsible for them. He told them when it was alright and when they were to run for the sith hells or they'd all be dead. A part of him just wished he'd have someone like that too. Someone who'd just hold him and tell him it would be alright. He'd had caretakers on Kamino. All his brothers had. But they'd just been so so lacking. He couldn't count on his hands the number of nights he'd just felt so cold. Then there was Abregado. He'd lost everything and nearly everyone. The countless skirmishes, the countless nights running simulations, hoping that this time it would be enough. That this time they'd win. This time he'd bring more brothers back home. This time they would liberate the planet. This time they would survive the trenches. This time their reinforcements would make it in time. There were just so many failures. It was just that this time he couldn't keep a lid on it, couldn't walk it off couldn't blow it off there was just so much too much.

"I've never felt so worthless." He had failed his men so many times that he couldn't take it anymore. He needed whatever force was out there to just cut him some slack. His body shook against his will he felt a hand rest on his head as he shook and suddenly he found himself in a tight embrace. It was against every protocol instilled in him on Kamino, everything in him screamed that he'd crossed a line but just this once he couldn't be bothered to care. "Never to me Wolffe, you will never be worthless to me." The voice was warm with sadness with acceptance with understanding because without saying all he'd wanted to his General still understood him, understood his pain understood his loss. It was at this that he finally caved in. His body acted against his will as a tear slid down his cheek. And once it fell he found that he couldn't stop. He cried for his men, for Abregado, for Khorm for Geonosis, for every brother that fell. That he saw fall before his very eyes. Cried for the men that he knew had died and would die and those that he'd send to their deaths because his simulations just weren't good enough this time around. Because even though he knew he couldn't bring everyone back it still hurt. It wasn't like his mind was being rationale at the moment anyway. He cried for the fallen Jedi for the people he couldn't save. The civilians that had died because his men hadn't gotten there in time. He cried while his General held him in a tight embrace stroking his hair. He could hear his General saying something but it fell past his ears. He found he couldn't concentrate on anything anymore. It was warm it was safe and he was so damn tired. He hated himself for his weakness hated that he needed someone for reassurance but Kriff it he wasn't a droid. He couldn't stop feeling no matter how much he wanted to, no matter how much he tried. And believe it he'd tried.

-0-0-0-

When Coric entered the bacta medbay area an hour later it was in this embrace that he found General Koon and Wolffe, Wolffe himself asleep on the General's shoulder looking completely wiped out. It was about damn time. Wolffe was so kriffed up on pain meds it was surprising he'd managed to stay awake even this long. Though he still wasn't sure what to say at the scene but thankfully nothing had needed to be said. The General put a finger to his mask to indicate silence and spoke in a low but kind voice.

"Coric is there a bed in here for the Commander, he has exhausted himself." Coric nodded mutely as he unhooked a standard issued med bed and began throwing on the bed sheets. Despite what he had seen he supposed he shouldn't have been so surprised, the Commander had been heading towards a breakdown for the better part of the month he would know. The Commander could be downright open at times and at times so downright stubborn to admit it when he was nearing his breaking point. Besides if anyone could get Wolffe to do anything he'd set his mind against it would no doubt be General Koon. And Wolffe was determined to make everyone think he was fine even when he wasn't.

"Here." He all but whispered. The General gently laid Wolffe on the bed before smoothing back some of the unruly hair in a gesture of affection. Something warm gathered at the base of Coric's chest at the scene. It was always touched something in him to see their General care for his men. It gave him hope that one day other more biased Jedi could see that clones were human to. But he being a realist new that this was a long ways to go. The General pulled up a chair but his com rang. Sighing in amusement the general made his way out the door. "I leave him in your capable hands Coric."

"Yes sir, of course sir." He busied himself with several uninvasive test procedures before updating his datapad and then draping a thermal blanket over his brothers form. It was not so rare a sight to see when Wolffe was out cold but it always reminded him of how young Wolffe was. How young they all were. Wolffe could act like a real old war Veteran sometimes, what with his wise quips and brilliant strategies. He could act like a true to boot mandalorian bounty hunter when his men were on the line. With his accent and slew of mandoa curses one could almost think he was a mandalorian bounty hunter to boot. And know to get the hells out of there because if Wolffe was in mando mode there were about to be some very big explosion. But through it all he could be such a child sometimes. Whether it was to egg Commander Thorn on into doing something embarrassing or wrapping Commander Fox around his little finger twice over just because he could Wolffe had moments where he was lost just like all of them. He took more than his share of blame because in the end of the day he was the Commander but just like his men he was vulnerable. Perhaps even more so because of the trauma kriff he kept being put through and while Coric didn't play favorites he really did have his choice of favorite brothers. One of said brother was just so stubborn for his own good sometimes particularly when he needed help. Wolffe was always there for him when he needed a shoulder to cry on so he was glad General Koon had his back. Glad General Koon had all of their backs.

-0-0-0-

It was four days later when Wolffe was finally permitted to escape Coric's watchful eye. He opted for his armor. They would deploy a ground incursion at O'eighthundred. The simulations in order and the men all ready for a ground assault he had several hours to burn before first contact.

Waving away the battle plan to be used Wolffe squared his shoulders before composing himself. He had been out of line that day and he needed to give a formal apology before they deployed. It took several minutes before he reached General Koon's chambers. The General had been up and about in debriefings from the Council in between meditations and talking strategy with General Gallia who would be joining them for this invasion. But they had yet to speak outside of brief formalities as of yet and Wolffe wanted to assure General Koon that his display would not be recurring. At least not any time soon.

The door slid open after several more moments and he entered the expanse of the chamber beyond. General Koon sat cross legged in lotus position an amused smile playing on his face.

"You wished to speak with me Commander?"

Wolffe cleared his throat while standing at attention. "Yes sir. I wanted to speak with you about the other day…"

His eyes flickered briefly to the viewport and the galaxy beyond before he continued his eyes returning to the General. "Firstly I wanted to thank you for…for helping me work through my thoughts."

The amusement only grew. "You are welcome Wolffe."

"I also wanted to say, I was out of line. I apologies for any inconvenience I might have caused you." He tried to keep a professional calm but his ears burned in shame. He was a Commander and last he checked Commanders didn't make it a habit of bawling their eyes out like younglings. In the presence of their General no less, and yes Coric had informed him that he'd been kriffed up on meds at the time.

General Koon expression became somewhat guarded at those words frown tugging at the edges of his mask. And Wolffe was left wondering what had he said that had been so wrong.

"Wolffe. There is no shame in fear. No shame in pain or self-doubt. It is the natural order of things."

"I understand Sir." Wolffe said uncomfortable looking away. "However I could have dealt better with what had occurred."

The amusement was back as General Koon rose. "And pray tell how could you have dealt better with all that has occurred to you Commander. Tell me if it were Commander Cody to have lost an eye to the violence of a lightsaber what would you have done? If not but several days after losing an eye, the unfortunate Commander was captured and once more put under extreme duress what would you have done? " A warm hand rested on his shoulder. Causing him to look up at the General who stood before him. "I…I would have done everything in my power to ensure he was on the path of recovery sir."

"You must know Commander Jedi do not recover from such ordeals as you have been through unscathed. Even Jedi have moments of weakness. It is how we work through our weaknesses that define us. But there is no shame in admitting weakness."

"I, I understand sir…" He knew all this to be true. And in the end he was thankful it had been his General that had seen him cracking so badly. He wasn't sure he wanted any other one of his brothers to bear such a burden even though they would gladly do so. But neither did he wish to force such a burden on his General. "I hope…my display did not…did not…" He wasn't sure how to say it properly but when the General's hold on his shoulder tightened he knew the General understood. And in all honesty sometimes he was glad his General could feel what he meant to say without him having to say it. He wasn't exactly comfortable voicing the darker aspects of what he felt to others.

"Commander, you are my responsibility. If you have a need do not hesitate to speak your mind freely. I am always here for my men as I am for you."

"Yes, sir, thank you sir…"

"Now about the debriefing."

"Yes of course Sir, if we were to have General Gallia's men create a water to land diversion we could come in from the rear and take out the new ion canons the separatists have developed. Once Checkers gets in range he sets the charges. Twitch can pull us a schematic for the canons. We may not have time for schematic acquisition but if all goes as planned we can strike the base causing them to diverge the support platoon headed for the capital. After that General Gallia drops in her heavy hitters with our support of aerial bombardment. It may take anywhere from a several days to a few weeks but we should have the planet under Republic Command no later than two months' time. Far less if we're fortunate."

"Very good Commander. Everything is in order then."

"Yes sir."

"Well then I believe we have a battle to win." Wolffe followed after General Koon as he made his way to the bridge. He wasn't sure how much longer the war would go on but if anything he knew that he had his men and his General to have his back just as he had theirs. And though the road to finding inner peace with all the chaos running amuck and loose around him would be difficult. He knew that he wouldn't have to search for this center and peace alone.