Chapter 4

Sorry it's taking me so long to update and this time I don't even have a good excuse unless you count a lack of inspiration and watching far too much Grey's Anatomy as a good excuse.

Kb: Thanks for reviewing and the compliments on my writing, it made me want to write that day which I haven't really been wanting to do recently so thanks for that, the bit in the library is all down to you :)

Now it's found us

Like I have found you

I don't want to run

Just overwhelm me

When Peyton was a scared eight year old girl asking her daddy where her mummy had gone he'd told her that she was sleeping and couldn't be with them anymore so she wouldn't wake up.

Two years later Peyton had worked up the courage to ask her dad how her mother had died and he'd simply replied that she'd died in a car accident, she was taken to the hospital and even though the doctors did everything they could she was just too hurt to be saved.

When she was a curious twelve year old she'd talked to Brooke about her mother and Brooke told her that her own mother had said that a bad man had killed Peyton's mum because he was driving too fast and he'd run a red light. That was the moment that Peyton felt true hatred for the first time in her life. Hatred for the man who had taken her mother away from her because he just couldn't take an extra minute to get to wherever he needed to be. She'd never even thought to ask Brooke who the man was.

It had been a year. A painfully long year since Peyton had finally learnt the truth about her mother's death, the whole truth. She had been fifteen, it had been seven years since her mother had died and she'd accepted her mother's death, evidently she was heartbroken that it happened but she was at peace with it. She knew she probably could have found out who was responsible for her mother's death before if she'd have tried hard enough but was it so terrible that she'd prefer him to be both nameless and faceless? If he had a name he could have been a good man who simply made a mistake, maybe a doctor or a policeman or maybe he was a dad and his children had grown up in a lonely bubble just like her. She just couldn't face those possibilities because he had to be this evil person who had taken away the person that she needed the most, he was a criminal, a repeat offender who didn't care about anyone, he wasn't a good man, he just couldn't be.

Knowing the truth had changed everything. The first time that her dad had come home after she'd found out was a strange experience, she suddenly felt sympathy for him. She remembered the day she'd first spoken to Lucas, she saw her dad watching her and had hugged Lucas to spite him. Only now did she realise how he must have felt watching his only daughter begin to fall in love with the boy whose father figure had killed his wife.

From the moment Lucas confirmed that his Uncle Keith was the reckless driver that had hit her mother's car things between them had shifted which was understandable she supposed, suddenly she could understand her father's point of view and whilst the revelation didn't stop her from loving Lucas it made her wish that his family wasn't who they were and she hated herself for thinking that. The change between them didn't stop them talking about anything and everything, which they could now as the secrets between them were exposed however it did stop those little romantic gestures and the kissing.

That was what she missed the most about her life before when she was naive and ignorant to just how cruel fate could be, the kissing. That moment where he would look deeply into her eyes, the passion would make her lips curl up at the edges into a smile, but only slightly, and she would hold her breath in anticipation before he would lean down slowly closing his eyes at the same time and then all of a sudden his lips would be on hers and she would feel her insides melt as she forgot about everything and everyone except for the boy in front of her. She wasn't sure why the kissing had stopped; she believed that it was because they both now understood why everyone was so against it and as much as she hated herself for it she wasn't sure how she felt anymore.

She knew she loved him and that it wasn't his fault, not really anyway no matter how much he insisted that it was, Keith had been the driver of that car and Lucas hadn't forced him to drive that recklessly but that didn't change the fact that if it hadn't been for Lucas' broken arm at the hospital then Keith wouldn't have been on the road at all. The problem was that her dad hated Lucas' family for a very good reason and as much as they didn't particularly get along, she understood why he was so protective and how hard it would be for him to see them together. He'd already suffered enough at the hands of the Scott's.

But they'd suffered too.

Her heart kept reminding her of this fact and of course it was true, they'd lost Keith and he'd died a villain. That's how the town saw him anyway, no matter all the good he'd done in his life he would forever be remembered as the man who killed Anna Sawyer. Whilst the Sawyers received flowers and deepest sympathies the Scotts received whispers and hatred, forcing them to move away from the area to escape the judging stares.

She didn't know what she would have done if she had been older when it happened, the part of her that was still filled with hope wanted to believe that she would have been the bigger person, that she would have forgiven and offered her condolences to Karen and Lucas but she wasn't sure if she was honestly that selfless. Keith had deprived her of every mother/daughter moment that she was meant to have and that wasn't an easy thing to just get over. She was determined to try though.

"Haley wanted us to go over to her house tonight to watch a movie or something, she said you should invite Brooke too," Lucas commented as they sat opposite each other in the library, he was reading The Great Gatsby for what was probably the tenth time and she was sketching lightly, hiding the sketchpad so he wouldn't be able to see that what she was actually drawing was his portrait.

"You sure she just doesn't want to be alone with Nathan?" she raised her left eyebrow while a childish grin appeared on her face, knowing that she'd get a reaction out of him. Over the past year she'd perfected the act of being his friend, his flirty friend at times but nonetheless his friend.

"Please don't remind me," he pleaded with a grimace that made Peyton have to bite her lip to keep from laughing as their feet knocked against each other under the table which sent electric currents running through their bodies.

"Oh come on it's cute, besides I think she really likes him." She knew that he didn't see it like this; two of their closest friends going on their first date. To him it was his estranged half-brother hitting on his innocent best friend.

"Yeah but she could do..."

"So much better than him, I know," she laughed at his predictability as they'd had this discussion many times over the past week.

"You can't help who you love Luke," she whispered and suddenly his eyes dropped back to his book although she was sure that Gatsby was the last person running through his head right in that moment.

She sighed softly as she returned to her sketch, suddenly deciding to give Lucas some abnormally large ears, she could always erase them later when she was no longer that little bit annoyed with him.

"It would be so much easier if you could, wouldn't it?"

Her head rose in surprise and curiosity as it had been a few minutes since they had last spoken.

"What would?" she asked even though his conflicted expression had already given her the answer she requested.

"If you could choose who you love," he clarified.

She thought on it for a few seconds before answering with a sad smile, "Sometimes you have to go through hard times to get to the good ones and if love was easy then no one would appreciate the good times."

She watched as he processed her answer and he smiled softly as he realised that she still believed their good times were yet to come. He wished he could have her faith. It wasn't as though he believed that their love was unimportant or that he thought he would ever find someone he loved as much as her but were their good times ever going to come? He wasn't sure. He prayed to God that they would but with so much against them it was difficult to keep the faith that eventually their problems would just disappear so they could finally be happy.

She'd returned to her sketching but she could still feel Lucas' intense stare on her, she knew he was thinking of her, thinking of when their good times would come and trying to figure out when she'd changed into the girl who believed in love. She wasn't sure of that herself; all she knew was that she felt happier than she had in years, she had started to see the good in the world again and maybe even though there were a million things against them if they wanted it badly enough then they could make it work, make everyone understand.

Watching him now she couldn't believe that it had been a year since their last kiss, she still remembered every detail of it. It hadn't been their most passionate kiss, it hadn't even been a long kiss but it had been important, God it had been important because as soon as that kiss was over they had revealed their true feelings to each other. Feelings that still hadn't disappeared even a year later and she highly doubted that they ever would, she'd tried to only be friends with him, tried to forget their past but that tingly feeling that she got every time their hands accidently brushed against each other or the butterflies that she felt in her stomach when he looked at her in a certain way just wouldn't go away.

Later that evening Peyton was in the kitchen with Haley and Brooke cleaning away the remaining bowls of popcorn while the guys were talking in the living room, they had no idea about what but they all presumed it was something basketball related which was why they were hiding in the kitchen.

"Um you guys?" Haley asked shyly, "I don't want to sound rude but I think I want to be with Nathan on my own now."

"So you're kicking us out for a guy now?" Peyton teased while sharing a small smile with Brooke.

Haley's cheeks reddened slightly as her head suddenly looked down in an attempt to hide her embarrassment from her friends. Peyton thought it was sweet that Haley was falling for Nathan, she often wondered whether her friends would be happy for her if she was with Lucas right now, she knew that Brooke would probably warn her that the romance shouldn't be kept a secret but she didn't know the other's opinions. She hoped that the others would be supportive but she tried not to hope for something that she knew was unlikely since the rest of town still threw them judgmental looks every time they were together.

"Hales it's fine, we'll go home and you can get to know Nathan without us there as a safety net." Peyton gave her the reassurance that she needed with an encouraging smile on her face.

Haley smiled gratefully at Peyton as Brooke made an inappropriate joke about Nathan and Haley being alone in a house together, as much as Peyton loved her best friend, sometimes she just didn't read these types of situations well.

"So you think that after tonight you and Nathan are going to be, you know, a couple?" Peyton asked slightly awkwardly, she wasn't sure how open Haley would be about her relationship with Nathan.

Haley's already pink cheeks went a few shades darker as a small smile graced her face and she nodded so slightly that if Peyton hadn't been willing to get that response she might have missed it.

"I just feel so different whenever I'm around him, he makes me feel empowered, like I can do anything or be anyone I want and I don't ever want that feeling to go away and I think that if I'm with Nathan then it never will. I think I'm really falling for him."

As Brooke let out a string of girlish noises that Peyton would mock anyone else for doing all that she could think about was Lucas and how she felt the same way about him that Haley did about Nathan and she felt a pang of jealousy as she realised how easy they had it. They had no accusations of murder or dead parents, they didn't even have an overprotective dad to contend with, the biggest challenge that they'd had so far was Nathan's rocky relationship with Lucas which these days wasn't a problem at all. How was it fair that they had to consider if their relationship was even worth it before getting into when everyone else could just slip hastily into a new relationship? She just didn't understand why they were the ones that had to suffer, neither of them had done anything to warrant this much karma.

"You want to come in?" Peyton asked coyly as Lucas walked her to her door, she wanted to talk to him, no needed to talk to him and she wasn't about to do this in the middle of the street for everyone to see.

Lucas looked down sheepishly as he tried to find the kindest way to reject her offer, "Peyton you know I can't, my mum will know exactly where I am if I'm not home soon."

He was right, she did know this but she also knew that whilst Karen didn't like their relationship she was more concerned about how it would affect Peyton and her father rather than the gossip, she had nothing against Peyton's family. It was more the people of Tree Hill who had made her life hell in the months after Keith and Anna's deaths that she had a problem with and she didn't want to give the people of Tree Hill any more ammunition to make the Sawyers hate them any more than they already did.

She didn't take his answer into account as she grasped his hand firmly and pulled him through her doorway and she ignored his soft protests as she sat him down at her kitchen table after dragging him through the rest of her house.

She hesitated a moment as though contemplating her next step before leaning down in an effort to capture his lips with her own however before she could reach her target he pulled away with a questioning glance that Peyton almost rolled her eyes at.

"Do you still love me?" The question was direct but she believed that it was necessary as if they were going to have the conversation that she wanted then she needed confirmed facts even if she already knew they were true.

"What are you talking about Peyt?"

Despite the fact that he hadn't answered her question she could tell that he did, his eyes still gazed upon her with the same fire and passion that they had a year ago and his voice was still as calm and gentle as ever, it was as though he knew exactly how to make her fall in love with him even more.

"I want you to tell me that you still feel the same way about me as you did a year ago when we were sat on the rivercourt and you told me that you loved me, tell me that nothing's changed since that night and that you when you think of me you still think of the kisses and the love that we shared. Please just answer my question and tell me that you still want me, still need me. Just tell me that you still love me."

"Of course I do Peyton," he whispered in disbelief that she even had to ask, he cupped her face with his hand and carried on whispering, "I'm going to love you forever and nothing's going to ever change that."

She let out a small smile before leaning forward to whisper in his ear, knowing that the feel of her hot breath on his ear would make him even more eager for a kiss that had been a year in the making. "Then shut up and let me kiss the man I love."

This time Lucas didn't back away and as their lips pressed together he felt an overwhelming sense of home, as though this was where he belonged and he hadn't even realised it until this moment but he never wanted to feel homeless again. He was never going to let her go again.

When they finally moved apart Peyton closed her eyes and let out a small sigh of contentment and rested her forehead against his.

"I don't want to go through a whole year without that ever again okay?" she told him with a look that he recognised as somewhere between fearful and intimidating.

He wanted to tell her that if he had his way they wouldn't go a day without that ever again but he was soon interrupted by her again.

"It's like without you I could be happy, if I really wanted to be but with you I have no choice, I have to be happy because when I'm with you there's just no possibility that I'm sad and I don't want to be sad anymore Luke, I want to be happy, with you."

From his wide, passionate eyes and his small smile she could tell that he felt the same way so she smiled down at him before kissing him with every inch of passion she had left in her.

That was when they heard the front door open, they pulled apart and stared at the intruder with Lucas looking like a dear caught in headlights and Peyton's face fell as the image of her father blurred when the salty tears appeared in her eyes and softly fell down her face.

IMPORTANT A/N

Okay so as you've probably realised updates for this story are extremely slow, you have no idea how sorry I am for that and I feel very guilty that I keep you guys waiting months between updates which I know isn't fair. So I need your opinion on something; should I keep trying to update whenever I can or should I just wait until I've practically finished the whole story and upload all the remaining chapters in quick succession however that probably wouldn't happen until at least the end of June or should I just stop writing the story completely. I really need you to help me decide this because I'm not sure which would be best for you readers.