Chapter 4:
Dear Maura :
The next monday Jane drove to the station and went straight to her Captain's office to give him her report on their last case and make a formal request for some vacation time. After receiving Cavanaugh's approval she drove back home packed a few things, grabbed Jo Friday and decided to hit the road without saying goodbye to anyone knowing her mother would probably burst into tears and try to keep her from leaving.
As much as she loved her mother and her brother and as carrying and supportive as they were she needed time to gather her thoughts and knew that stepping foot in the family home put an end to her desires. Her entire life Jane Rizzoli had done everything to be a good daughter, to be a good example for her brothers and most importantly to be an exemplary police officer. Obviously Detective Jane Rizzoli wasn't the kind of person who enjoyed following the rules, she was a leader at heart but always had this visceral need to please and take care of the people she loved. She always felt compelled to take care of her brothers, to bail them out when they found themselves in dangerous or even illegal situations. Her entire life Jane had been the rock her entire family and circle of friend could lean on but after thirty five years of taking care of other people the rock started to shatter and she felt it was time for her take care of her and to start doing things for herself, by herself.
After almost 6 hours straight of driving Jane found herself in need of some gaz for her car and after filling up her tank decided to look for a place to spend the night.
After checking with the local police station Jane drove to a very charming bed and breakfast that an officer had recommended. The place was a charming little farm in the middle of nowhere owned by a very warm couple in their late sixties. Stepping out of her Jane could barely believe how gorgeous and peaceful this place was. Having being raised in the city Jane only rarely had the opportunity to visit the country let alone a place like this.
Looking around her as she closed the door behind Jo Friday all Jane could see around her were the trees and fields surrounded the farm, horses roaming around freely and all she could hear was the sound of the wind gently tickling her ears.
Taking a deep breath of fresh hair before walking towards the door Jane had a feeling that this was exactly what she needed, that this little piece of paradise was the perfect place for her to gather her thoughts and eventually come to terms with her feelings.
Arriving at the door Jane was extremely surprised to find it wide opened and after knocking twice on the door frame took a shy step inside followed by Jo Friday.
"Anyone home?" Jane shouted as she took a step inside the house before dropping her bag on the floor.
"I'm here, I'm here. I'm Mrs Ryan but you can call me Margaret. You must me Detective Rizzoli, please come in." The older woman said inviting her to step into the living room.
"Yes, it's very nice to meet you. I suppose Officer Lafferty called to tell you I was coming." Jane replied smiling through green teeth.
"Yes he did, you know people in small town look out for each other and he wasn't sure he was home. So I hear you're from Boston?"
"Yes Ma'am. I drove all the way from Boston with my dog Jo Friday. I hope you don't mind me staying here with her." Jane asked grabbing Jo Friday on her lap as she sat on the large sofa .
"Of course not. This is a farm young lady, we have 6 horses, 5 cows, a dozens hens, and also ducks and geese and two dogs so as long as she doesn't try to kill my hens I see no objection about her staying with you."
"Good." Jane nodded patting Jo Friday to try to keep her quiet.
"So what's bring you here to our beautiful town?"
"Nothing in particular, I just needed to escape from the city you know to gather my thoughts and work on some stuff. I found myself out of gaz back in town and decided to stay for the night but driving here I realized that I might have found the place I was looking for."
"Well I'm glad to hear that. You're welcome to stay here as long as you need. Ever since my husband passed away last year I have been feeling a bit lonely and I'm always happy to meet new people." Mrs Ryan replied looking down at her wedding bands, a tear at the corner of her eye.
"Oh I'm sorry to hear about your husband."
"Oh don't be, we were married for 45 years, we raised three beautiful children together. We had a wonderful life together. He died during his afternoon nap, a massive heart attack and according to the doctor he didn't suffer a bitut I suppose it was just his time, but enough anyways let me escort you to your room. " Mrs Ryan smiled whipping a tear of her cheek as she suddenly stood up and walked towards the stairs leading towards the first floor.
"Sure." Nodding as she followed the older woman Jane was amazed by the amount of pictures on the walls, pictures of her and her husband, their children and grand children. Mr Ryan wasn't lying, it really seemed that she had had a wonderful life.
"Well here we are, it's not the Ritz but you have your own bathroom and a direct view on the river. Feel free to freshen up and I will see you in a bit for dinner if you want. Come with me Jo Friday I'm sure you're also starving."
"Thank you." Looking around as she dropped her back on the floor Jane immediately felt home. This house was actually very much like the one she grew up in, warm full of pictures and memories of a happy life filled up with scream of children running around.
For the next two weeks Jane lived a very simple life free of stress and responsibilities. Her days were strangely filled up with a certain routine that Jane learned to enjoy. She would wake up around 7 am, would have breakfast with Mrs Ryan listening to her rambling about her children and grand children who lived in the city and who according to her didn't visit as often as they should. She would then take Jo Friday for a walk along the river or lie down on the grass for hours looking at the sky before joining Mrs Ryan for lunch. Her afternoon were as quiet and satisfying. She would either help Mrs Ryan around the farm or in the kitchen or take one of the horse for a ride.
Strangely Mrs Ryan Jane and Jane immediately became friends. She reminded her of Angela on so many levels. She was carrying, very active and instead of letting the workers care of her farm would wake up everyday at six to feed her animals before preparing breakfast for the two of them. But what reminded her most of her mother was that she could spend hours telling her stories her husband and their children, about the wonderful life they had together rambling on how much she loved her babies and how proud she was of the wonderful adults they grew up to be. But unlike Angela she wasn't intrusive or overbearing and despite feeling Jane was hurting didn't try to coerce her to confide in her. She had raised two girls and knew that forcing Jane to talk if she wasn't ready wouldn't help her at all.
Against all odds and to her big surprise Jane slowly started to open about to Mrs Ryan about Hoyt, the shooting and most importantly about Maura. Obviously she wasn't the sharing type but being here, feeling free of any professional or personal obligations Jane started to feel in peace and more incline not only to reflect on her feelings. for Maura but also to share them with someone else. Mrs Ryan didn't know her therefore couldn't judge her and maybe that's why Jane felt so comfortable talking to her about Maura. So only a week after meeting her Jane found herself sitting in the kitchen peeling apples confessing having romantic for her best friend.
After acknowledging her feelings to herself for the first time and to her new friend Jane find herself assaulted by a million questions, questions that didn't seem to find an answer yet.
That sunday afternoon Jane was sitting against a hundred year old tree patting Jo Friday looking at the river in front of her unable to stop thinking about Maura. She truly missed her. She missed talking to her, she missed seeing her, god she missed hearing that contagious laughter of hers. Unfortunately ten days after leaving Jane was still not ready to go back to Boston and face Maura, actually she didn't even know if she wanted to go back. She knew that if she ever set foot in Boston Maura would want her to explain her behavior and she didn't know if she was capable of explaining it to her. She knew without a doubt that she was deeply in love with her but wasn't ready to accept those feelings let alone confess them to Maura. Actually she was scared to death of confessing her feelings not because she was afraid that Maura might not share her feelings but because she was afraid that she might. She knew that having a relationship with Maura was out of the question, not only because Maura deserved better but better she couldn't be gay. She was raised in a catholic family and went to a catholic school and despite never hearing her parents condemning homosexuality she knew deep down that it was wrong of her to be in love with another woman, especially when this woman was not only her best friend but only way out of her league. Yes Jane wasn't ready to go back to Boston and deal with Maura and with the consequences of a potential confession. She knew that Maura would want to talk about it extensively and that she would insist on helping her accept her feelings and that if she shared those feelings she would want to engage in a relationship with her and as off today she wasn't ready for any of that.
"Are you thinking about that Doctor of yours?" A warm voice suddenly spoke a few feet behind Jane.
"Yes I am. Maura is all I can think about." Jane replied forcing a smile.
"How do you think she feels right now?" Mrs Ryan asked settling next to the Detective.
"I think that she goes to work everyday, that she does her best to keep a straight face but that when she comes home at night she climbs in bed and cries herself to bed the way I do." Scratching her scars as she said those words Jane had no trouble picturing Maura's life without her because she felt the same way, their bonds had be severed and she could barely breath and knew that Maura was probably also suffocating.
"Then maybe it's time for you to do something. I'm not asking you to drive back to Boston and to go down on one knee to ask he to marry you. I get that you're not ready to face your feelings and to accept them let alone face her but I think she deserves to know the truth so I brought you this." She replied handing her some paper and a pen.
"You want me to writer her a letter?"
"Yes. You don't have to confess your feelings if you're not ready, just tell her that you're alright and that you're thinking about her. Tell her that you never meant to hurt her and that's why you left because being around her and around the people you loved most was to painful, that you needed time for yourself to reflect on yourself and on what you're going through."
"You're right. Not only I should apologize for treating her like I did but I should let her know that I'm alright. The only problem that I have is that I don't know if I will ever be able to go back to Boston. Sometimes I lie in bed at night and I hurts so much that I tell myself that I will never be able to be around her anymore, that even if I tell her how I feel being around her would be too painful."
"Then don't go back to Boston until you're ready to accept your feelings and to be with her."
"That's not going to happen, I can't be gay and even if I could Maura deserves better." Jane replied shaking her head.
"I think that's for her to decide not you. I think that after everything the two of you went through together and all the support she gave you she deserves to know the truth. Don't let her spend the rest of her life wondering why you left."
"I know, thank you."
"You're welcome. I will let you alone for a little while. I will be with the horses if you need me."
"Alright." Holding the pen in her hand and the paper on her lap Jane knew that Mrs Ryan was right, that Maura deserved to know the truth.
Dear Maura :
It's been a little over almost two weeks since I decided to leave Boston and I know that despite hating me for hurting you so much you must worry sick and I wanted to thank you for not calling or texting me.
I know that I probably don't deserve your forgiveness or the time you're spending reading this letter but really needed to tell you something and I hope you will read this letter until the end.
First, you need to know that I'm so sorry for hurting you so much. Believe it or not but I don't push people away on purpose. Trust me or not but I wish that I could just sit down and spill my guts to you but I can't.
Ever since I left I replayed our last conversation in my head a thousand times and I think you were right when you said that you're the giver. I realize now that I took from you more than I could ever give you in return and I think that this abusive behavior from my part needs to stop.
What I'm going through right now is… Actually I have no words to describe it yet, I don't know how it happened or when or even why it is happening to me but I know that it's killing me and that I needed to finally acknowledge it and let it out.
Please do not think that I don't want or need you by my side because I do. I know that if you were with me and if I explained things to you that you would find a way to rationalize and to make them so simple that I would have no reason to torture myself trying to understand.
Unfortunately understanding my feelings is only the first step. I know that the second step is acceptation and that's not something I'm ready for yet and I don't think I'll ever be.
Reading this letter I'm sure that big brain of you must be wondering what in hell I'm talking about and I think you deserve to know.
I believe you deserve to know why I pushed you away but I don't think I have it in me to look at you in the eye to confess this to you. Please forgive me for being a coward.
The truth is that I love you Maura, I mean I'm in love with you. I think I fell in love with you the first time I saw arriving at that first crime scene. I remember cursing you because we had been waiting for you for thirty minutes and weren't allowed to touch the body. I remember seeing you getting off your luxurious car wearing those high heels and fancy dress thinking that you were probably coming from a runaway or something.
At first I thought that working with you was gonna be the biggest challenge of my life because not only I couldn't understand half of what you were saying but also because you weren't like me at all. You were calm and methodical almost anal when it came to follow protocol when I usually used my guts.
Actually I think that you annoyed me as much as you fascinated me.
You know we met a few weeks after I came back to work after Hoyt took me the first time and I must say that spending time with you was the distraction I needed.
You were so different from other people who were constantly treating me like a victim, asking me if I was okay, if I was sleeping and eating well.
You were the only person who didn't look at me with pity look you know. You always treated me like you would have if we had met before it happened.
I can't tell you how many times my mother came unannounced to my apartment to clean or cook and started asking questions I wasn't ready to reply to.
When that happened the only place I felt safe was your house. I remember storming out off my apartment leaving Ma behind and driving to your place knowing you wouldn't ask me about it, that we would just spend the evening together eating chinese food and watching tv.
I know that you studied Hoyt extensively, that you wanted to be ready in case he ever came after me again but you never asked me to give you any insight into his rather disturb personality. You always respected my privacy and my pain and I wanted to tell you that it meant a lot to me back then.
Look who's rambling now. Anyway, I just wanted to say thank you for everything you gave me without ever asking anything in return. You brought me back to life without even knowing it and I love you for it.
God I realize it's the first time I actually say those three words out loud. I'm not going to play dumb with you and pretend that I wasn't aware of my feelings before because trust me I fought them as hard as I could for as long as I could.
Unfortunately I can't fight my feelings anymore Maur', it's just too hard but I can't accept them either. I can acknowledge them, but I can't accept them because I'm not ready to face the consequences.
I don't know if you share my feelings and I don't want to know because it doesn't change anything. You and I can not and should not be together, ever.
I have spent the ten days considering it carefully and I came to the conclusion that the only way for me to finally be in peace with myself is to get you out of my system and to do that I need to stay away from you, that's why I decided not to come back to Boston.
Please don't hate me but I just… I know it would be too hard for me to work with you, to be close to you. I know that every time I'd look at you I would love you a little more but that I would also die a little bit more from the inside because I know for a fact that nothing good could ever come out of this situation.
Please be happy, find someone who loves and respects you the way you deserve, someone who treats you like the lady that you are.
Please know that you will always have a special place in my heart, that you will always be the woman who brought me back to life.
Don't forget me because I won't forget you.
Love always,
Det Jane Rizzoli.
Sliding the letter into the envelope Jane was unable to hold her tears. After spending two weeks torturing herself trying to make the right decision she had finally made it. She had decided not to ever go back to Boston, to start over hoping that Maura would someday be able to forgive her and to move on with her own life. She knew that going back to Boston would only make things worse for both of them, that because she wasn't and would never be ready to accept her feelings being close to Maura would be a torture for both of them, especially now that she had confessed her feelings to Maura.
She knew that Maura would stop at nothing to try to understand and help her and that being the stubborn asshole that she was she would continue to push her away over and over until there would be nothing left of their relationship.
Maura deserved better, she deserved someone who respected her and who wasn't scared to death of her feelings, someone who could make her happy and give her the fairy tale life she deserved.
Closing the envelope Jane knew that falling out off love with Maura would probably take years if not for ever but it didn't matter. All that mattered to her was that she would never hurt Maura again, that by staying away she was keeping her safe from her and it didn't matter if being away from her killed her from the inside.
Alright guys, I hope you enjoyed this new chapter.
I decided to include a new character in that story because I'm convinced that Jane needs help and that she won't be able to cope with her feelings on her own.
So question is : how much do we like Mrs Ryan? And how much did we like the letter? I can tell you it was hard for me to write it and I hope you enjoyed it.
I think that next chapter will be Maura's POV. I know this story is about Jane but I want you guys to know how Maura feels about this whole situation and to show you how she's going to react when she receives Jane's letter.
Thanks for reading. I hope that you're excited about this new story as I was and that it's not boring you to death .
As always your reviews are my drug, don't worry I have a high tolerance and I won't overdose :)