Chapter 4. Baby Steps
The following day was the one day of the week that Prim hated the most - their day off from training. She had grown to hate this day because all the time she ever spent at home was trying to coax her sister into eating or talking. Prim thought that the entire situation did more bad than good since it was when she was most prone to snapping at her unstable sister, but she knew she still had to try. Rory was right. Their mother had eventually snapped out of the depression. Katniss might be able to as well.
Peeta and the younger girl walked to the door before the painter knocked first. He waited for a little bit, as usual, as if he was waiting for her to call him in. When he heard nothing, the boy pushed the door open for the two of them. Katniss, still a bit foggy from being sedated the day before, turned her eyes silently to the two blonds in the doorway. Every inch of her except from her eyes up was covered in her thick red comforter.
Instantly, as if apologizing for her actions the previous day, she held her hand out toward Peeta. However, it was weaker than usual. It slid along the sheets before hanging limply over the side of the bed. Peeta frowned before immediately walking over. Taking his usual seat on the edge of the bed, he grasped onto her hand in his, rubbing her knuckles gently. He smiled his usual soft smile. "Hi, Katniss."
Katniss grasped onto Peeta's fingers weakly before turning her eyes onto her younger sister. However, there was a different emotion lurking behind the unstable girl's eyes: fear. Much like an abused dog, she was afraid her sister was going to yell at her again. Prim stopped at the doorway as her eyes went to her sister. Her fists clenched in their usual, hurt manner but she kept herself calm. With a small sigh, she walked over to the other side of her sister's bed, looking at Katniss but avoiding her eyes. "Hey, don't look at me like that. I'm not going to snap again."
Katniss quickly lowered her eyes from Prim's, burrowing more under her blankets until only the top of her dark hair was visible. There was a soft noise from the doorway as Willow cleared her throat. She looked at the boy holding the Mockingjay's hand. "Peeta, can I talk with you for a moment outside?"
Peeta blinked and looked up towards Willow, confused. "Me?"
She nodded once before releasing the door frame. "It'll only take a minute."
The painter frowned before looking back between Prim and Katniss. After what happened yesterday, he was worried about leaving the girls alone together. But Prim shook her head towards Peeta. "I won't snap at her. Go ahead."
Katniss pushed her head back out from the covers slightly, just looking at Peeta silently. Willow, feeling embarrassed from watching for some reason, quickly left the door frame to stand in the hallway. At first, Peeta watched the girl walk off before looking back down at Katniss. He flashed his smile at her again. "I won't be long, Katniss. I'll come right back in when I'm done."
The tortured girl didn't reply. She just let her hand slide from Peeta's as she turned onto her side, away from him. With his hands now free, Peeta briefly ran his hand down her long dark hair before walking out into the hallway. This time, he remembered to shut the door behind him.
Prim watched as the painter walked out, curious as to what Willow would want him with. She fought every urge she had to run and press her ear against the door and, instead, focused her attention back down to her older sister. With a heavy sigh, Prim reached her hand out towards her sister. It was hard, though. The closer her hand got to her sister, the heavier her heart felt and the more angry she got. She reminded herself a few times of her promise not to snap before plopping her hand ungracefully over Katniss's.
Katniss's eyes opened after a moment. She slowly turned her eyes upwards, focusing on her sister's, unwaveringly, with a certain amount of difficulty. She was clearly trying to communicate with her, although she was being unsuccessful. Prim noticed her struggle. The fifteen year old raised her eyebrows slightly before biting her bottom lip.
"Katniss... I'm sorry about yesterday," she sighed, swallowing her pride as she battled back immature tears that threatened to fall. Somewhere, deep under the tough mask she wore, was still the innocent and sensitive Primrose Everdeen and she was trying to surface again. The blond's shoulders began to shake, but she tightened her grasp on Katniss's hand.
Katniss's gray eyes immediately filled with tears. She never wanted this, never wanted to see her sister so hard and hateful. It was what she had fought against for the past three years. And, ultimately, it was Katniss who ruined Primrose Everdeen. Slowly, the Mockingjay's other hand slowly slipped from underneath her blanket. Shakily, as if using an inordinate amount of effort, she reached out and tucked the back of Prim's shirt into her pants, in a move identical to the way she did the morning before she was Reaped for the Games.
It was more than Prim could handle. She snapped, but not in the same angry manner she had been in the past year. For the first time in a long time, the girl started crying. Immediately, she dropped her head down against Katniss's shoulder and began to sob. "I-I'm so sorry, Katniss, I should have... it should have been me in t-there, not you. T-this never would have happened..."
Katniss opened her mouth to speak, but nothing came out. Instead, the Mockingjay rested her hands shakily on her sister's back before beginning to silently cry along with Prim. She cried for her sister, forced to hold her emotions inside until they suddenly came rushing out of her. She cried for herself and her inability to get past this blow to her mind. But most of all, she cried for the situation, for Prim becoming something she had never wanted her to be. She had become Katniss and Katniss felt an extreme amount of self hatred for it.
"You can't be serious," the painter stared at the younger General before him. Disbelief covered his face as his mouth hung slightly open from the information she had just revealed to him. "It can't be true."
Willow shrugged slightly, looking at Peeta cautiously. "You can go see for yourself, if you want."
He bit his bottom lip hard, almost tempted to rush out to go see. But he didn't want Willow thinking he doubted her, as much as he really did. "What... what should we do then?"
"That's why I came to see you." For the first time, the 17 year old looked unsure. "You know her and her condition the best."
"I... I don't know. I mean, you'd think it would help, but it might shock her..."
"Can you think of another way to get her used to the idea?"
"If I even mention it, she will freak out." Peeta grit his teeth and turned his head away from her, thinking. He wanted Katniss to get better and what Willow had just revealed to him would either give her that push in the right direction or push her off the edge fully. But selfish feelings took over. He didn't want her to take that risk because it could push her further away from him. He was disgusted with himself for even thinking like that. "I don't know."
The younger Victor paused before setting a hand gently on his forearm. "Just think about it. She's going to have to know eventually. We have a few days, so... If you decide it would be a good idea, make sure you go with her."
"Yeah. Yeah, of course I will. She has a right to know..."
"She does," Willow agreed quietly, seeing how hard this was for the older boy. She dropped her hand from his arm before turning to walk away.
"Who else knows?" Peeta instantly asked, looking up and towards her as she walked.
Willow stopped and glanced over her shoulder at him. "Just me and Commander Paylor."
"Alright. T-thanks for coming to me first then, Willow."
"Of course, Mellark," she nodded once before looking away again. "You can tell anyone you want, except Katniss, of course. I just thought the most important person should know first."
Peeta flashed her one of his softened smiles, but his eyes were hollow and empty. All this time, and not just this past year, but all the time that he loved Katniss he put the woman before himself. Her best interest was always in his mind before his but, for once, he found himself thinking selfish thoughts. He didn't want her to know, he didn't want to tell her. He couldn't lose her, but at the same time, he wanted the old her back. He missed how they used to be so much sometimes it hurt.
Willow looked at Peeta for a moment, like she wanted to say something, to comfort him, but she couldn't. She just nodded once at him, all business, before heading back downstairs. Peeta stared after her before sighing guiltily to himself. He turned back to the door, knocking lightly once again before entering. Katniss, still locked in an embrace with her younger sister, didn't glance back at the door. It was the most affection she had showed anyone since Gale's accident and, even though her hands were just resting gently on Prim's lower back, she was afraid as soon as she let go, she would lose this part of her humanity as well.
The sight nearly knocked Peeta off his feet. His eyes widened as he stood at the door, staring down at the scene. Prim had snapped constantly at her sister. She yelled, she screamed, she ignored her, and yet here they were, embracing. The first sign of affection and it was towards her.
'I'm jealous of Prim now,' Peeta thought to himself. He was jealous of Prim because Katniss was opening up to her and not him. The entire situation fueled a hatred, but not for the girl, but for himself. He cleared his throat a little. "Katniss."
Katniss's hands instantly fell from her younger sister's back as she turned her eyes back toward Peeta. She blinked at him once, silent tears still making their way down her cheeks. He tried to force a soft smile, but faltered. He didn't have the strength to curve up the corners of his lips. "L-later... in the week. There's something you need to see later in the week."
She furrowed her eyebrows briefly in confusion, one of the first facial expressions she had been able to manage besides pain. But that was all she managed towards Peeta's statement. Instead, she quietly laid back down in her bed again, her eyes closed off again as she wiped them quickly on her pillow before holding two fingers toward Prim, signaling that all the crying had made her thirsty. Prim immediately got the hint. She gave Katniss a small nod before slowly getting up from the bed. She turned, ducking passed Peeta and down to the kitchen. The painter just stood and watched, uncertain if he should even be there.
During the awkward silence, Katniss observed Peeta with an expressionless face. She quietly watched the way he stood for a moment before holding a hand out straight out towards him. It didn't even shake as it was held from her body. The skinny arm looked sure and almost strong, reaching toward Peeta silently. He stared at her briefly, hesitating.
Try as he might, his smile wouldn't return but he still couldn't deny her. He walked over, taking her hand in his again as he sat at the edge of her bed. Katniss relaxed as soon as Peeta took her hand. She just sunk back against her bed, curling into an awkward ball, so she could set her head against Peeta's thigh. Almost like instinct, Peeta reached down and lightly ran his fingers through her hair, but his hand was shaking slightly. He was terrified, afraid of the entire situation and the emotions that rushed through him. Still, he pushed his thoughts away and filled them with memories of Katniss. Putting her first, as always, even if it made him miserable.