I know this has started off quite dark and sad, as I think for Elliot to leave a job he loved he would have been in such bad place after what happened. However as the story continues there will be happier times ahead I promise. Just a little warning I know this story will be changing to an M rating (I just can't help myself I love writing the smut" but for now I will keep it as it is.

Chapter 3

He didn't know how long he had been walking or where he was heading, he had been in a daze since he had walked away from Olivia. His eyes were stinging from the tears he had shed and his knuckles hurt from the cuts and bruises. He looked at his watch it was just after 3am, he took his phone from his pocket he had loads of missed calls and texts from Olivia and Cragen, non from his wife he turned the phone off without reading the messages. He carried on walking pictures of Olivia popping into his head, the look of hate and disappointment on her face, then the feel of her lips on his. Christ everything was so fucked up, he was so fucked up. He felt the drops of rain hitting him, just perfect he thought as it started to soak through his shirt. His mind flashed back to Jenna laying on the floor her eyes looking at him as she breathed her last breath as he held her. He turned his head and bent over as the vomit rose in his throat, then hit the pavement, his eyes and throat stung. He wiped his mouth and carried on walking. He suddenly realised where he was, he stood looking up at the doors to his church and climbed the steps. He pushed open the heavy doors and walked in. The air felt warm on his wet skin. He moved slowly down through the rows of seats and dropped to one knee making the sign of the cross.

"I'm sorry" he whispered "please forgive me" he looked up at the large crucifix above the alter and the tears flowed again. He stood up and moved towards the nearest row of seats and sat down he dropped his head into his hands and prayed.

"Elliot" he felt a hand on his shoulder and turned his head looking up his eyes blurred and red with tears.

"Father O'Donnell" he said. The young priest nodded.

"Are you okay Elliot?" he asked "You have been sat her for a while I thought it best to check on you" Elliot looked at his watch it was almost 0630 am.

"I needed somewhere to go. I….. I….. Needed time to think"

Father looked down at Elliot and noticed his body was shaking "Come on Elliot let's get you warm and something to drink" he said resting his hand on his shoulder. Elliot nodded and stood up and followed him out the back of the church to a small office.

"Please sit down Elliot" he said motioning to one of the chairs "So you up to talking about what has happened?" he asked him as he went to the small kitchen area. Elliot looked over to him "Coffee?" he asked, Elliot nodded.

Elliot stared down at his battered hands "I shot someone" he said quietly as he was handed a cup.

"At work?"

"Yeah….She came into the station and tried to kill the men responsible for her mother's death, she had to be stopped and I was the one to do it, she was going crazy shooting everywhere" he took a drink.

"It doesn't sound like you had a choice Elliot"

"She was only a kid …. The same age as the twins. I took her life…. I took her life to save the woman I love and now she hates me"

Father O'Donnell looked at Elliot a bit confused "Kathy was at the station when this happened?"

Elliot looked at him "No … I took the shot to save my Partner and now she can't even look at me, I love her so much, I had to save her…I couldn't let anything happen to her, the thought of being without her" Elliot suddenly felt the need to get out of the small office, he put his cup down and stood up "I need to go" he said moving to the door.

"Elliot please…..stay and talk…your upset and confused"

"No …thank you father, I need to go…I'm sorry" he said rushing out the room and out the church.

He walked the few blocks home and stood outside his house and took a deep breath before opening the door. The house was quiet as he walked into the kitchen and took the bottle of scotch out the cupboard and grabbed a glass, he didn't care it wasn't even 8am yet or that he hadn't slept all night he needed a drink. He sat at the table and poured a drink downing it in one go.

"So you finally come home" he looked up and saw Kathy stood in the doorway leaning against the frame her arms folded. "So what you done this time, punched another suspect, pissed someone off it must be something bad the state your in and the fact Cragen and Benson have been trying to get hold of you all night"

He took another drink and glared at her "Everyone but you Huh" he said.

"I tried to call you" she snapped.

"Once, Kathy you called once…."

"Well what the hell was the point if your not answering the phone to Olivia fucking Benson, you aint goin to answer to my calls are you" she shouted glaring at him. He poured another drink.

"Just…. Just leave me alone"

"What so you can sit here and get drunk, you're a mess do you really think you need any more drink, what's the matter, you and the perfect Benson have an argument or did she get another boyfriend you don't agree with"

Elliot shook his head in disbelieve "Fuck you Kathy, I'm not doin this with you, not again just leave me alone"

"Oh you would like that wouldn't you"

Elliot ignored her and drank his drink, he knew she was glaring at him but he didn't care, he just wanted to drink so he could forget everything. Forget Jenna, forget Sister Peg, forget how messed up his so called marriage was and hopefully forget that he finally kissed the woman he was madly in love with only to walk away from her.

"So come on then what's happened…what happened to cause you to ignore everyone, even Olivia" she asked.

"I don't want to talk about it" he mumbled pouring another drink.

"That's the problem you never want to talk to me about anything, the only damn person you ever talk to is her…. You don't need me you haven't for years"

Elliot looked up at her as he took another drink. It was the same every time he came home after a hard case and he didn't want to talk, she would say the same things over and over, blame Olivia for all their problems, he sighed and shook his head looking back down into the glass in front of him.

"Why did you even bother coming back to me?" she asked him "The amount of time your at home you may as well have stayed away"

"Because you were pregnant" he mumbled.

"What?" she snapped.

He lifted his head and looked at her and stood up walking towards her she wanted to talk then fine he would talk and tell her the truth, what did he have to lose his life was totally fucked up already anyway.

"I came home cause you were pregnant….no other reason. The day you came to the station to ask me to come home…. I … I was going to tell you I wasn't going to…..and then you told me you were pregnant." Kathy just looked at him as he took another drink and a deep breath. "I didn't want to come home; I didn't want to come home to you. I was finally getting my life together without you, I had accepted we were getting divorced, I was actually happy. Then you told me you were pregnant….. I didn't have a choice then I had to come home to you, stand by you, just like I did all those years ago with Maureen"

Kathy slapped him across the face "You Bastard" she said her voice hard and angry. "So what you saying since you came home you have never felt anything for me"

Elliot shrugged his shoulders and touched his face were she slapped him "I tried, I thought maybe being at home I would get those feeling back for you I had all those years ago, but I didn't…. I love you Kathy, I'm just not in love with, not like I should be". He looked at Kathy and saw the tears falling down her cheeks. He walked over to the kitchen sink and leaned against it downing the rest of his drink his hand shaking as he lifted the glass to his mouth.

"But your in love with her, with Olivia?" she asked her voice breaking as she tried to hold herself together.

"Whatever I did or didn't feel for Olivia, it doesn't matter anymore now, not after what I done….. She hates me… our partnership is over". He walked to the table and got another drink and Kathy seen his cheeks were wet with tears. As much as Kathy was upset right now from what he had said, she had to know what had happened, whatever it was she knew it was bad. She knew everything he had said about why he had come home was true. Deep down she knew along he only came home cause she was pregnant, hell the main reason she asked him to come home when she did was because she was pregnant. But over time she had fallen back in love with him and she always hoped he would feel the same for her given time, and as much as it hurt her she knew the reason he never did was Olivia Benson. She had known all along he cared for her more than a partner should. To see him broken like this was hard, Elliot Stabler didn't cry.

"Elliot…. What happened?" she asked her voice softening and putting a hand on his shoulder. "You and Olivia have had bad cases before, what could have happened to make you think she hates you and your partnership is over"

"I fucked up" he said his voice cracking "I shot a kid and she hates me"

"You shot a kid?" she asked shocked "What do you mean you shot a kid"

Elliot wiped his eyes and turned to face Kathy "We had just arrested the men to blame for her mother's death, she came to the station to see Liv….she went crazy with a gun she just kept taking shots, she hit Sister Peg, I had to do something" he sobbed.

"So you shot her….. Elliot it sounds like you had no choice, she had to be stopped, why would Olivia hate you for that?"

"Because I told Liv" he sniffed and wiped his eyes again "I told Liv I shot her to ….. To save her, I was scared she was gonna shoot Liv, I couldn't let that happen. I couldn't let something happen to her. I broke my own rule I put what I felt for Liv in front of the job, I chose Liv… and now all Liv can think of is I killed a kid to save her, she won't forgive me for that. I saw it in her eyes she hates me"

Kathy moved forward to hug him.

"Don't" he said moving away from her "I just want to be left alone" he picked up the bottle off the table "Just leave me alone" he said walking out the room and upstairs. He went into Eli's room and saw his son still asleep in his little bed. He sat on the edge of the bed and kissed his sons forehead.

"Daddy will always love you" his tears fell on his sons face as he stood back up. He entered the bedroom and took out a bag throwing clothes in and the bottle of scotch onto the top before zipping it up. He went to the draw and took out his credit card and some loose change throwing it into his pocket before walking back downstairs.

Kathy was stood at the bottom of the stairs tears on her face. "Please Elliot don't do this" she begged him taking hold of his hand.

"I have to" he told her cupping her face with his hand "I have to sort myself out, I can't keep doing this to you and the kids, it's not fair on any of us, I'm living a lie Kathy, my head is so fucked up"

"But I love you, you can't just leave me"

He put his bag down next to him "Kathy I haven't been here for years, you don't need me all I do is fuck things up."

"Where are you going to go?" she asked him "To her?"

"I honestly don't know what I am going to do yet, I just need to get away….. From everything and everyone, my head is so messed up" He pulled her into a hug "I'm sorry" he whispered into her ear.

"I love you" she whispered back to him.

"I know and I wish you didn't" he said as he held her tight "I will call when I know what I'm doing" he pulled away from her and stroked her face "could you explain to the kids for me…. I will call them and see them just not right now"

Kathy nodded "Sure" Elliot leant forward and kissed her gently on the lips "Try not to hate me too much" he said picking up his bag and walking out.

He sat on the hotel bed and stared at the TV some talk show was on people were shouting and screaming at each other he turned the sound down. He raised the bottle to his mouth and drank the remaining liquid. He looked at the clock on the wall it was almost midnight. He had been at the hotel almost 12 hours and in that time he hadn't left the room, he had slept for most of it only waking an hour ago. He picked up his phone and switched it on message after message came through he deleted them without even reading them. He stopped though at the last message and read it he hit he reply button.

I need to talk to you, can we meet. He typed in.

When and where? Came the reply a few seconds later.

An hour your place

See you then.

Elliot sighed and pushed himself of the bed and picked his clothes off the chair and pulled them on. He knew he had to do this and he knew it couldn't wait.

So who is he meeting? Hope you all like this take on what happened.