A/N: After a…year of waiting I've finally gotten part 4 finished. I got distracted for a while from this story cause I wanted to finish Swami first and then I just couldn't seem to get in the right mood to write this. Then I sorta started another story, was sick for like a month, and now here I finally find myself back with this story. And, I hope you like it. Updates may not be frequent or regular, but I am going to do my best to finish this story. How long this story or will be or exactly where I'm gonna take it I have no idea. But, considering how much has happened on Degrassi since the last time I wrote it I'll have to take the time and put the extra stuff in to keep this story and my readers completely up to date with the goings on at Degrassi. It's not exact, and it's not completely the same timeline but I'll do my best. So now for a long overdue thank you to my reviewer katfishh! And now for an even longer overdue 'enjoy chapter 4!'
Chapter 4:
"Emma!" I hear my mother's voice ring loudly through the house, "you overslept, hurry up or you'll be late."
In my rush to sit up I bang my head on the headboard. Surprisingly, it hurts a lot and I grit my teeth restraining the 'ow' I know is on the tip of my tongue. I sigh, remembering what day it is.
"Did they really have to ruin my Saturdays too?" I ask aloud as I stuff my feet into some slippers by my bed.
It's a routine now. No matter what I sleep as late as I can on Saturdays in the hopes that mom'll forget about sending me to the stupid shrink for another stupid hour. 9:00-10:00 has got to be my absolute favorite hour of Saturday, and I mean that sarcastically.
"Em!" My mom calls again, "It's 8:30, get up here if you want some breakfast."
I gag at the thought, considering food isn't high on my list. If people are gonna stare at me all day then I might as well be skinny. And then I remember something else I'd forgotten in my haste. Manny. Her bubbly voice should have greeted me by now. She's been living with us for a week now, and of course I'm playing my part well. The sensitive friend who only wants the best for the people she cares about. I mean I'm not exactly jumping for joy that now she'll be able to keep an even closer watch on me than my parents. But, especially considering all the horrible things she's been through this year (the least of which being the incident with Peter Stone), it's not like I want her living out on the streets either. I guess I really am lucky 'cause I have such an understanding family, but even still I don't know of many people who've gone through near as much as I have.
"Coming mom!" I scream rubbing my sore head.
"Em, don't forget we have to leave in 20 minutes," my mom reminds me for the umpteenth time.
"How could I?" I ask sharply, but I don't think she heard…or she ignored me; that's possible too. "Where's Manny?" I call louder.
"She went over to Craig's, said something about he wanted to play his guitar solo for her."
I bound quickly up the stairs in an attempt to seem excited and happy.
"You sure are cheerful today," mom notices, "but you're still going."
I take it all in stride, "Whatever." I smile convincingly.
She puts a plate of scrambled eggs and toast in front of me, and with a smile I pick up my fork. As I stare down at the dish I frown, but my expression is hidden and mom's already occupied by Jack anyway. As I spoon a bite into my mouth dad walks in and gives mom and Jack a kiss. He heads toward me and I smile a reassuring smile even though I'm tired of this Saturday routine too…
"So, Em, how did that test in English go?" Dad asks casually as he takes a seat and starts buttering his toast.
"Fine," I say cheerfully, "I got a B."
"Well that's good," He nods his approval.
He's lying and I know it. Even after all that's happened they still expect me to say I made a hundred or at least an A. And I know they don't understand why their prize-winning student has suddenly gone to mediocre status, but it's better than the Fs and Ds they're used to hearing about now.
Still staring at Snake I drag my fork across the plate where my eggs should be, but I can tell I didn't get anything on my fork. I stare down at my plate in shock. I've only been eating for 3 minutes and I've already emptied my plate.
"That's gotta be a record," I think, my shocked expression still evident on my face.
"Em, do you want some more?" Mom asks.
"No," I reply casually and smile. The truth is: I'm starving, but I don't really want to eat more. Who knows, something might happen…I might get sick. I snicker, and try desperately to turn it into a cough. Mom stares at me, clearly not believing my coughing act, but she doesn't push the subject, and I'm kinda grateful.
Mom nods, "Alright honey." She turns back to washing the rest of the breakfast dishes.
Dad puts a hand on my shoulder, "Ready to go Em?"
"You're taking me, Snake?" I ask almost incredulously. Maybe it sounds like a rude comment, but since I started seeing the shrink he's been busy every Saturday morning…I always thought that suspicious.
He nods, ignoring my question as best he can, and pats my shoulder.
Mom turns around and looks at us, "I'll be there to pick you up at the normal time."
"10:01 and 53 seconds. Got it mom."
She nods and turns back to her dishes. "Em," She says, "Would you bring your plate over please."
AAA
Emma," Dr. Freemont looks at me, concern etched on her face.
I stare at the clock.
"Is there something you're not telling me?"
I stare at her bewildered, "No, of course not, Dr. F." I smile calmly. "What could I possibly be hiding?"
She hates my sarcasm and I know it, but her face remains placidly neutral. Her eyebrow rises slightly. She makes a note in her notebook.
"What would you like to talk about, Emma?" She asks me.
I shrug, "Not much to tell."
"Let's start with school. Has that been going well?"
"Yeah, I guess."
She stares at me, obviously wanting me to go on.
"Look, I don't really feel like talking today, alright?"
"That's fine, Emma. If you don't want to talk we don't have to."
"Really?" I ask skeptically.
She nods, "You only have to tell me what you want to tell me."
I smiled. Maybe she wasn't so bad after all. We stared at each other for the rest of the session.
Suddenly she stood up, "Well that's all we have time for today."
I nod and quickly duck out of the room, and I don't look back. I wanna get as far away from here as possible.
As promised, mom's outside waiting for me. Her face, like always, shows that she really wants to ask how it went. But she doesn't. And I'm glad, cause I still don't feel like talking. But I never do anyway. I can't even remember the last time I felt like talking. We drive home in silence; even baby Jack doesn't make a noise. And for an instant I miss his crying…cause at least when he cries mom gets distracted. And she doesn't stare at me the whole time, waiting for me to…I dunno…burst into tears or something. Anything. Anything to show I have emotions. But it's a lost cause since I don't anyway…since I lost them so long ago. I can barely remember the last time I really smiled or the last time I laughed.
The one thing people don't realize about depression or insanity or any of that junk is that your brain never stops working. Your brain knows that what's going on isn't right. You have this instinct that says you need to feel something, but you don't have an instinct to feel. And when you don't feel anything your stupid brain yells at you and tells you how you should be feeling. That's how people like me get to be such great actors. Whatever our brain says we should be feeling we pretend that we are. I think that's an instinct too. Because there is one emotion you can never get rid of, and you can't suppress it as much as the others: fear. It's the most basic emotion, and might I add the most annoying.
Jack coughs pulling me out of my trance, and, out of habit, I check to make sure that he's ok even before the words are out of mom's mouth.
"He's fine, it was just a cough," I explain in a monotone.
She nods, but doesn't say anything. The car is filled once again with complete silence, and somehow, in that silence, I drift to sleep.
My eyes burst open as we go over a bump, and I look around making sure mom didn't notice me sleeping. I can tell she hasn't because if she had she'd be smiling since I'm sure she worries about whether I get enough sleep or not. I don't know why, but I don't like it when people know I'm asleep. Maybe it's just a sense that I'm vulnerable in that state or maybe it's just the fact that I don't want people to worry about me not sleeping enough.
After my initial shock I blinked in the bright light just in time to see mom pulling into the driveway. Silently I got out of the car and headed for my room without stopping to help mom unload baby Jack. About halfway down the stairs I was greeted by the sound of Manny's giggling, and heading down further I could see both her and Craig sitting on my bed and staring at…something.
Manny looked up; she must have heard me, "Hey Em."
I smile at the greeting, and walk closer to find that they're looking at a photo album…my photo album. "What are you looking at?" I ask with a forced calmness in my voice, but they don't seem to notice.
"Just pictures," Craig explains.
"Of what?"
"Come see for yourself," he shrugs.
The pictures are from a time before my life got screwed up: before the shooting, before Sean, even before Jordan. 4 smiling faces stare up at me. Toby is strangling J.T. and Manny and I are laughing. I look away from the pictures, and I think Manny can tell I'm annoyed.
"Wanna go get some ice cream?" She offers breaking the silence.
Craig smiles, "You bet!"
They stared at me expectantly, "I'm paying!" Craig offered.
"Yeah definitely!" I agreed enthusiastically.
As the 2 of them headed up the stairs something caught my eye. I turned my head and found myself staring into my mirror. I stared at my reflection and watched as an arid look of disgust became plastered on my face.
"Em, you coming?" Manny came running back down the stairs.
"Coming!" I called to her.
"What's up, Em?" Manny asked when she saw me; a puzzled expression on her face.
I smiled, "Nothing." But as I ran up the stairs the realization suddenly struck me: I was fat.
AAA
"Coffee flavor, plz!" Manny requested from the guy with the ice cream cart.
We were in the park. The same park where I had spent so much of my childhood. It seemed almost ironic when I came here now: this park, with its flowers, trees, and laughing children, was the epitome of innocence.
"Wha d'yoo wan Em?" Manny asks through a mouth full of ice cream,
I smile, "Nothing, thanks. I'm not really that hungry."
Manny and Craig stared at me.
"I thought you were all excited about going to the park for ice cream," Craig said thoughtfully.
"Going to the park, yes. Getting ice cream, no." I corrected, though in all actuality he was right. I HAD wanted ice cream…until I saw myself in the mirror. I was fat enough already, I really didn't want to make myself any fatter.
He shrugged, "Whatever."
Manny was too busy enjoying her ice cream to consider the incident any further. I didn't really consider the incident any further myself. I could give up ice cream; no big deal. But as we sat on the grass my stomach started to growl, and, not wanting Craig and Manny to notice, I excused myself for a walk alone. The concern in Manny's eyes was almost sickening: since when was I not allowed to go on a walk? I could tell they were going to talk about me, and I wasn't in the mood to deal with that so I turned to them
"You guys can leave when you want, don't wait up for me."
"You sure, Em?"
"Yeah, it's no big deal."
Even before I finished the sentence I knew it was a huge mistake. The look in Manny's eyes told me right away that she was even more worried than before. I grit my teeth as I try to think of some excuse to get me out of this one. But there isn't one… Manny completely runs my life now.
"I'll come back in like half an hour," I assure them finally.
Manny smiles, "Ok."
As I turn around and walk away, I sigh: "So much for getting some alone time."