Chapter 4: Attack on the Fangirls

[Scene: The Midori kitchen. Zoi is wearing an apron and grating cheese. Police Chief Midori is lifting the lid off a pot of sauce and stealing a spoonful.]

Chief Midori: Um, this smells good.

Zoi: Dad, I've given this a lot of thought, and I've decided you don't need to turn on the siren every time you pick me up or drop me off at school in the squad car.

Chief Midori: Oh?

Zoi: In fact, I've decided you don't need to pick me up or drop me off at all. I'm perfectly capable of taking the bus to school.

Chief Midori: No, you are not.

Zoi: Why not?

Chief Midori: Because you're a cute sucker, that's why, and this town is filled with perverts. I want to make sure everyone here knows that if they try anything with you they are messing with the long arm of the law.

Zoi: …Dad?

Chief Midori: What, son?

Zoi: Do you know anything about the O'Sama family?

Chief Midori: Dr. Metalia O'Sama's family? Sure. She's a great doctor.

Zoi: I hear most of her patients die.

Chief Midori: Who the hell told you that?

Zoi: And…the kids…they are a little different. They don't seem to fit in well at school.

Chief Midori: [Angry] I swear, people in this town. Dr. Metalia is a gifted surgeon who could probably work any hospital in the world, making ten times what she makes here. So what if most of her patients die? That's not her fault. She's an asset to the community, and all these kids are well-behaved and polite. I had my doubts when she first moved in with all those adopted teenagers. I thought we might have problems with them, but they are all very mature. I haven't had one speck of trouble from any of them. And that more than I can say about the Blackmoon kids, that's for damn sure…And they stick together. Just because they are newcomers, people have to talk.

Zoi: Well, I must say, they are all very attractive [Smirks and bats his eyes] What's the doctor like?

Chief Midori: Metalia? Very kindhearted, very grandmotherly. The type you expect to serve you instant coffee and fresh apple pie ala mode when you come over to visit. She looks just like…. Who is that frumpy old busybody who is always sticking her nose in everyone's business in the comic strips ?

Zoi: Mary Worth?

Chief Midori: Exactly. She looks exactly like Mary Worth. She's just an all-around, old fashioned, sweet little old lady which is probably why her kids all turned out as well as they did. [His phone rings] Chief Midori speaking. Fifty of them? Oh, my god. I'll be right there! [Hangs up and reaches for his bulletproof vest, holster, and his jacket] Damn. Not again.

Zoi: [scared] What's wrong, dad?

Chief Midori: Potential terrorist attack at the convention center. They are having a so-called "yaoi" convention there right now, and fifty of these so-called "fangirls" have passed out all at once while watching a "cosplay" performance of something called "DeathNote."

Zoi: I hear that's not that unusual.

Chief Midori: I know. But it's been over an hour and they are all still unconscious. I suspect it's just another one of those freak gas clouds, but I have to follow up. [Kisses Zoi on the cheek while Zoi cringes to let him know he's a little too old for that sort of thing] Got to go. I'll be back shortly. If I'm not here before the enchiladas are ready, start dinner without me.

Zoi: Dad, be careful. I don't like it that your job is this dangerous.

Chief Midori: Don't worry. I've been a cop in this town for longer than you've been alive and nothing has happened to me yet.

[Hours pass. Zoi is sitting at the dining table, alone, staring at the clock and toying with his fork and a plate of enchiladas without actually eating. Finally he picks up the plate, carries it to the couch and turns on the TV. He channelsurfs until he finds a news station covering the convention center attack.]

Reporter: We are live with some of the victims of what police are calling a freak gas cloud at the convention center. One of the ballrooms has been converted into a field hospital. I'm here with the victims. [She points the microphone at a teenage girl lying listlessly on a cot] Can you tell us what you remember?

Girl: Oh, my god, oh, my god, it was AMAZING! AMAZING! Light AND L! They were so hot! They were played by two GUYS. They were chained together. Chained together! [fanning herself with her hands] And they started kissing!

Second girl: KISSING! [Grabs the microphone] They were making out! Right in front of Misa! Like she wasn't even there! OMG! O-M-G!

[In the background the girls in the other cots are screaming and some are swimming in place.]

Female Voice: I saw tongue! I SAW TONGUE! LIGHT AND L WERE PLAYED BY TWO HOT GUYS AND I SAW TONGUE!

*SQUUUUUUUEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEE*

Reporter: [Backing away to keep from going deaf from all the screaming fangirls] There you have it. Clearly, these girls are all hysterical from the attack and babbling incoherently. Maybe police chief Midori can shed some light on this. Chief Midori?

[Zoi lets out a sigh of relief when he sees his father alive and well and on the TV and starts eating]

Chief Midori: Yes, this appears to be another of those unexplained gas clouds that occasionally forms throughout Hen Tie. It is important for people to remain calm and remember that none of these clouds to date have done any lasting damage. They just drain people of their energy for a day or two. After a good night's rest, all of these girls should be as right as rain.

Reporter: So we still have no idea what causes these energy-draining attacks?

Chief Midori: No clue whatsoever. I'd just like to remind people there is no reason to be alarmed. If there is a criminal cause behind these mass fainting attacks, we will get to the bottom of it.

Reporter: There you have it–

[Zoi turns off the TV, clears the dishes, and goes to sleep.]

[Zoi wakes up the next morning and it is snowing outside]

Zoi: [Looks up at the steel grey sky] Great! [Plods off to breakfast. His father is at the breakfast table eating a plate of enchiladas. Zoi pours himself a bowl of cereal.]

Chief Midori: Morning, sport. Thanks for the enchiladas…Really good… I've packed some in your lunch bag….. It's snowing out. You'd better bundle up.

Zoi: [Muttering under his breath] Sixty-five yesterday, snowing today. I swear, this town is so messed up.

Chief Midori: What did you say?

Zoi: Nothing. How did it go last night?

Chief Midori: Not bad. I apologize it took so long, but all of the witnesses seemed more interested in talking about this so called "DeathNote" than they were in describing the attack.

Zoi: [Between spoonfuls of cereal] Never really got into DeathNote. Though I thought Matt was a pretty cool character.

Chief Midori: [Excited] I know. I know, Isn't it amazing how he only got about thirty seconds of screen time, and yet he's the second most popular character in the entire series?

[Zoi munches on his cereal with one brow raised.]

Chief Midori: Errr… or so I gathered from talking with some of these so called "fangirls" last night.

Zoi: Suuure, dad.

Chief Midori: [Hurries from the table] You'd better get ready for school.