Chapter Four
The night had fallen. The chattering bustle of Soul Society gradually slowed to a murmur, though even that was barely detectable deep among Byakuya's vast gardens. As the two men lay side by side in Byakuya's futon, Renji stared up at the ceiling. He noticed it had intricately carved eaves that were so subtle as to be barely even noticeable – as if nobility and artistry were to Byakuya as natural and trivial as breath. Any moment as they lay in this stiff stillness together, Renji expected Byakuya's cold voice to echo in his ear, telling him to leave and forget this ever happened.
Renji's lower half throbbed. It was not all bad, but as the euphoria of sex faded, the sensation of pain increased. That was all that would be left, he realized. Once the hope of ever being accepted faded, once the reality of his rejection sank in, this was what would be left. A dull ache and a sense of worthlessness. He'd been a fool ever to allow this love to grow.
But then Renji had a moment of shock. He felt cold, dexterous fingers pull his hair from his face. He gasped to realized that Byakuya had been watching him for some time, propped up on one elbow with his usual emotionless expression. But Renji almost thought he saw affection in the softness of Byakuya's gaze then, but he must have imagined it.
"Are you satisfied now?" Byakuya asked him softly.
Renji swallowed, his chest tightening. "You want me to leave?"
Byakuya closed his eyes as if frustrated by that reply and let out a long breath. He turned over onto his side away from Renji. With his back to him, he continued, "I do not care. The promise was 'until morning,' so you are free to stay until then if you wish."
So that was it. Byakuya was done with him. But if he could stay until morning, then he could keep this feeling just a little longer. Renji pushed himself up and straddled Byakuya, planting his hands on either side of his head on the mattress. Byakuya cocked an eyebrow at this disrespectful posture.
"Then I'm not satisfied yet," Renji said.
The only change in Byakuya's expression was a soft parting of his lips. "I see," he said, and cast his gaze away.
Renji bit back a bitter moment of pain at Byakuya's indifference toward him. It was a long shot, but…maybe. Maybe he could change that. Maybe he could make his captain think of him, just a little. Maybe deeper feelings might develop with time. The truth was…even at his best moments, Renji had never really believed that. He didn't believe it now any more than he ever had. He kept telling himself that for this moment, though, swearing he would regret not trying.
"Captain," he said, when Byakuya met his gaze again. "Can I kiss you?"
Byakuya raised an eyebrow. "You've done that already. Several times."
Renji brushed Byakuya's hair from his face as his captain had done for him. Softly he murmured, "I want to hear you say it's all right." Byakuya still seemed dubious at this, so Renji continued, "The first time you pushed me away. The second time…I still wasn't sure you didn't hate it. You're not the most enthusiastic even when you initiate it. Please, Captain. If you don't want me to, I won't."
Renji was surprised to see anger rising Byakuya's eyes as he glared up at him. The nobleman flicked his gaze quickly aside to avoid the anger being perceived. "That would defeat the purpose of what we're doing. I gave you a broad permission to do what you like when we came in here. What difference does specific permission make?"
Renji genuinely didn't understand his captain's reasoning. "Not wanting to hurt someone you love, or make them unhappy," Renji replied, frustrated. "You don't know that feeling?"
Byakuya refused to meet his gaze, his eyes cast far away and small furrows of concern between his brows.
"May I kiss you?" Renji pressed.
Still without meeting his gaze, Byakuya muttered softly, "If you cease asking, you can do whatever you like."
Renji sighed, resting his head in the curve of his captain's neck. Against the cool, porcelain skin he murmured, "Don't say that, Captain. This one night, let me pretend you're mine. And I'm yours. This…is nothing to do with you, but in my fantasy…just a fantasy…I care for you as a lover should, and never hurt you. Please let me pretend just for a little longer…that you could share my feelings."
As he thought he heard a gasp escape Byakuya's lips, he gathered his captain's slightly narrower chest in his arms. He briefly met Byakuya's gaze searchingly, but only saw hesitation. He lost his resolve briefly in a moment of despair, then succumbed to his desire and stole a kiss from the man he loved.
As before, Byakuya recoiled millimeterically from Renji's kiss. It hurt Renji to know that no matter how much he said he approved, Byakuya still didn't like this. This was wrong. Renji was weak and a fool to have agreed to this. If it hurt this much now, how would it feel when morning came, and Renji really had to let go forever? But all the more so, if they'd come this far then Renji should take what was offered and leave no regrets.
"All right…" Renji said, guilt bringing a brief wave of nausea. "I'll be quick. I'm sorry, Captain. I…love you." Renji immediately regretted saying that. Did he mean it to be an excuse? There was no excuse for touching someone who didn't want to be touched. He tried to tell himself he was just being honest, saying how he felt, but in these circumstances professing love was tantamount to manipulating Byakuya into not fighting him. He felt like scum. Should he stop?
Wavering between the two extremes of guilt and fear of loss, Renji had coated his fingers in the liquid Byakuya provided. He pressed his slick fingers against Byakuya's hole.
"Nh!" Byakuya cried in shock.
Renji's heart ached at how obviously uncomfortable, maybe even scared, Byakuya was. In sadness he couldn't hide anymore, Renji let his head rest against his captain's chest as he grimaced in pain. Could he really go through with this? Even if his lips were saying yes, Byakuya didn't want this. But now that he knew Renji did, his honor would prevent him from breaking his promise. He would order Renji to continue even if he wanted to stop.
Renji bit back a sob. Maybe it was best for both of them to get it over with.
He slipped one finger inside Byakuya's hole. His captain stiffened and a strained noise escaped him. Renji closed his eyes tight, pretending not to hear. In desperation and not knowing why himself, he reached over to hold his captain's hand with his own free one. He felt like scum and needed to reassure Byakuya that he wouldn't hurt him. And to reassure himself that he could still love him for another few hours.
To his relief, whether from discomfort or maybe even relying upon him, Byakuya's fingers tightened into his hand. Even if it was unintentional, that was probably the kindest gesture Byakuya had ever given to Renji, and it felt for an instant like this play lovers game was real.
He noticed Byakuya was even getting hard again, though Renji hadn't touched his front yet. The nobleman gasped and twitched. Could it be, he didn't hate this as much as he had seemed to earlier? Renji hesitantly looked up to see if indeed Byakuya were really enjoying this.
But that was the moment when Renji's resolve, and his heart, shattered into dust. Though Byakuya's cheeks were flushed pink with passion, his breathing labored and his stomach muscles tensing with the movements of Renji's fingers, his eyes were wide. Torture furrowed between his brows. And though a slim trail of saliva from kissing had streaked down the corner of his mouth, his eyes were growing red and moist.
Already, Renji realized with grim certainty, he had done something that could never be forgiven. Renji stopped moving. It felt as if his whole perception slowed. He looked away from Byakuya, momentarily paralyzed about what he should do. But there was only one thing to do.
Very slowly, so as not to surprise him, Renji drew his fingers from Byakuya's hole. Byakuya's eyes closed tightly in uncomfortable anticipation. He was expecting Renji to insert his cock. Renji's heart broke that he had made the one he loved so unhappy and afraid. He felt like a monster.
He should leave. He told himself that, but then his captain's promise about tonight being his last night with his love made his resolve waver again. One after another, hot tears dripped down Renji's cheeks and onto Byakuya's chest. Renji wasn't looking – in truth he couldn't see very well – but he felt Byakuya's shocked gaze turn on him.
"I'm sorry…" he whispered, barely loud enough to hear his own voice. "I'm sorry, Captain Kuchiki…I'm sorry."
Renji briefly tried one last time to force himself to leave. But as much as his guilt and self-hatred deepened with every moment, he could not leave his captain. Slowly, he shifted onto his side. He wrapped his arms around Byakuya from behind and pressed his forehead softly against Byakuya's back.
Remember, he told himself, trying to stop crying. Remember this moment. Everything about it. His heat, his heartbeat, the sound of his breath, his smell. The temperature of the air, the quietness of his mansion, the beauty of everything that he surrounds himself with. The way he gave you what you wanted.
The way you hurt him. The way he hated it. Don't forget a single thing. And after this night, don't ever think of Kuchiki Byakuya again. Renji fell asleep that night plagued by dreams of turning into a hollow, and being cut down by Senbonzakura, his last vision of Kuchiki Byakuya's cold eyes looking down on him without emotion.
…
But at the moment, and until morning, Byakuya's eyes were bloodshot and troubled. Byakuya could not sleep. Every time he tried to relax, his mind echoed Renji's half sobbing, "I'm sorry." He felt lost. He couldn't find his way back down the line of logic that had gotten him here, lying in a crying Renji's arms. He still had no idea what Renji had gone through when he wanted to switch. Why he would initiate it and then end up crying. To Byakuya, none of that made any sense.
His malaise made him rise a little later than usual that morning. He wasn't even thinking about being late for work as the sun slowly continued to rise and fill the room with cold morning light. The servants knew better than to disturb him, but obviously one or two were worried enough to talk to someone who didn't know any better.
"Nii-sama?"
Byakuya's peace of mind utterly shattered at the sound of his sister's voice just behind the door. He snapped up, regretting it as a headache from drinking too much before meeting Renji caused him to hunch over his knee with his fingers pressed to his forehead. He glanced down at Renji, who was still asleep with a deep frown and red eyes, one arm stretched out where Byakuya had been lying. He began to stir at the sensation of cold from Byakuya's absence. It was a surprisingly peaceful and pleasant moment, though Byakuya immediately pushed it away as irrelevant.
"What is it?" Byakuya said to Rukia, at just audible volume to avoid waking Renji.
"Oh…nothing," came Rukia's voice, hesitant behind the door. "I just wanted to make sure you were all right. No one had seen you since dinner last night, and so…"
"Anything else?" Byakuya harshly pressed.
"No…"
"Very well," he said, closing his eyes tiredly. "You may leave."
A moment's pause. "Nii-sama?"
"Yes?"
"I think I…" There was a lengthy pause as she faltered, perhaps regretting her instinct to tell him what she suspected. Instead she asked more firmly, "May I come in?"
"Absolutely not," Byakuya snapped. "Attend to your duties, Rukia."
But at that moment, the worst possible twist of fate. "Mh…Captain…" Renji murmured blearily, pushing himself up to his elbows. Byakuya froze. He even heard Rukia intake a sharp breath. It hadn't been loud. But the only obstacle separating most of these rooms was paper. There was no doubt Rukia had heard.
Fear flooded Byakuya's throat. He glared down at Renji, silently promising harsh retribution if he spoke again. But Renji was still rubbing the sleep from his eyes as Rukia's shock was hitting her.
"Renji…?" she cried from outside the door. "Nii-sama, forgive me," she said, and slid the door open.
Byakuya sat absolutely still where he was, facing the garden. He didn't even look at Rukia. There was no point. There were no words that could explain this betrayal against the entire family, her included.
From his current angle of view, he could see Renji's face. He watched the sleepiness shift in an instant to horror in Renji's eyes.
"Ru…kia…" her name formed on his lips
How foolish, Byakuya thought. If he was going to regret it, he shouldn't have fallen in love with Byakuya in the first place.
"Nii…sama…?" Rukia whispered in anguish, her voice trembling.
Byakuya sighed. He surrounded himself with emotional, unreliable people. And somehow they always seemed to get hurt around him.
"Leave, Rukia," Byakuya told her coldly. "We will discuss this later."
Rukia seemed not to have heard him for a moment, she and Renji staring at one another with a tangible air of something breaking between them. Then she took off away at a run. Renji watched after her for many long, horrible seconds afterward. Finally his head lowered into his hands in utter defeat.
Somehow, Byakuya realized, this was his fault. But at the time, he considered the issue finished. Rukia had probably felt betrayed and Renji wracked with guilt, but what could Byakuya do about that? He fully expected things to be normal in a day or two.