Chapter 4:

How Can This Be?

15 December, 1976

Hogwarts Castle

"You holding up okay?" James asked Anwen as they headed back to Gryffindor Tower.

"Sure," she replied mockingly. "I have nothing urgent to consider. I just need to tell Sirius that apparently we're soul mates and we need to get together soon because I need to do some sort of crazy-arse magic to stop your son — the one you're going to have with Lily — who's going to come back in time to end one war, but starts another. Nothing to worry about."

"Yeah, and that was surprisingly succinct. I haven't heard you have a one-breath, run-on sentence expulsion like that in a while."

Anwen shrugged and looked down. "I've been attempting to be quieter. Someone has been complaining about how 'enthusiastic' I am about things." James knew she was speaking about Sirius. He was quite puzzled by their relationship. They were definitely friends, but there was more to it. Anwen and Sirius confessed their love often; strictly platonic love; at least that's what they both claimed. To someone who knew them both well, the only people they might be fooling were themselves.

The hardest part for James to reconcile was why Anwen put up with Sirius and his ever-roaming eyes and pelvis. Honestly, Sirius was likely to snog, if not more, the entire female population of Hufflepuff, Ravenclaw and Gryffindor; as long as they were older than fourth year. The arrangement worked for Sirius - he could have physical relationships with girls without getting emotionally involved; that he saved for the girl who had given him her heart, unconditionally. Anwen treated him with the love and worth his family had denied him.

Things became oddly strained after his seventeenth birthday only weeks before. The Marauders and the girls had noticed how temperamental Sirius had been since Anwen had coordinated the great party and day for him. Sure, James and Remus had helped, but it really was Anwen that spearheaded the day. She'd even bought him a stunning pocket-watch, something with age and meaning, since she was the only 'family' who'd do such a thing. Sirius had responded to her generosity with confusion and angry outbursts. James swore that if his best mate treated her poorly again, he was going to call him out on it, Anwen deserved better.

Checking the map, James noted that Sirius had returned from the Astronomy Tower and was now pacing their dorm room. Moony had prefect rounds with Lily until eleven and Peter was nowhere to be found in Gryffindor Tower. James didn't feel the need to search too hard for him, Peter would avoid difficult conversations and spats between friends as if his life depended on it, and then return when it was safe. As for Moony, James would just lock the door when he and his little companion explained what was happening and Sirius' role in it. Moony would knock and accept James' explanation of the problem, Remus was a true gentleman. If Sirius was an arse about it, the werewolf might even have insight that would help.

The closer the pair got to their surrogate home, the harder it was for Anwen to take each step. It felt like weights were being added to her legs and she was forced to drag them. There was a weight on her chest making breathing difficult and her head was spinning. She had worked so hard to hide her feelings, and now she would not only lay them bare, but expect him to embrace them, no, share them and be willing to make a commitment that made little sense when you're thirteen and seventeen.

"So, how do you feel about this cousin thing?" James enquired, hoping a change in subject would help her. He could hear her laboured breathing, see the way she was unravelling the sleeve of her robes and how she dragged her feet. He didn't blame her, life was about to change wildly.

"Well, I have a whole slew of cousins, but none of them are magical," she answered. "I suppose if I had to pick someone to be related to here, I'm glad it's you." Anwen tipped her upper body at him, and shoved him without using her hands. James looked down and saw her smile. He wrapped his arm around her shoulders and pulled her to him.

"It's going to be fine," he promised, to which she shrugged in response.

"When my Mum finds out about you, oh, Anwen, you've got no idea what's ahead for you. She has always wanted a girl to teach magic to. There's whole branches of magic which belong solely to women, and I know Mum will want to share them. She'll spoil you in ways you can't even imagine, too. Best of all, she can take you to France to meet your grandmother," he told her and she looked up in surprise.

"You really think your Mum will be excited to meet me?"

"Both my parents will be thrilled. You're never going to feel disconnected again. I'm certain they'll just take to you. Mum will want you to spend your holiday with us, rather than staying in the castle."

"Oh, I was supposed to spend the holiday with Sirius at the flat," she quietly uttered. "I'm obliged to sing in the holiday concert series at my old school."

"You don't sound happy about it," James observed.

"Not in the slightest. My parents can sign my rights away, but still feel the need to make sure I work over the holidays," Anwen confessed in a weak voice. Only Sirius truly knew how deeply her parents had hurt her, and continued to do so.

"If you don't want to do this concert stuff, I'm certain Dad can get you out of it. He's smart like that. Also, you were going to end up at our house, if my Mum had anything to say about it. She hates that Sirius has his own flat. She wants to take care of him, even if he isn't interested in her fussing," the boy explained, and it caused Anwen to bite at her lip. Her nerves were getting worse with every step.

When they made it to the portrait door, James held the door for the girl, and Anwen rolled her eyes at his gentlemanly gesture. "Thank you."

"You're welcome, cousin." James cocked his lip up and scrunched his eyebrows together in thought. "That sounds wrong."

"Agreed. Let's stick to names."

Without another word, the pair went to the guys' stairs and made it to their floor quickly. James opened the door and stepped aside to let Anwen pass. She closed her eyes and walked through the door. To her surprise he stood right behind her, his hand on her back. She wouldn't have blamed James if he'd decided to avoid this particular discussion, it might get quite ugly. She didn't say it, but she was so thankful for his support in explaining everything to Sirius.

"Where the hell have you two been?" Sirius yelled.

"Hi, nice to see you too, mate," James mocked in return, his eyebrow cocked in disgust. He was definitely ready to call his mate out if he were an arse. James ran his hands though his hair, rumpling it more.

"Sorry," Padfoot said with a huff. His eyes sharply focused on Anwen, who kept her eyes averted. He reached and took her hand, but it lay limply in his. "What's going on?"

"Sirius, Padfoot, you need to sit down. We've had a strange night," Prongs said to his friend.

Padfoot eyes narrowed, considering how close the pair was standing and how she was avoiding him. "What the hell, Prongs?" the taller boy bellowed. "No, she is too young for you! What about Lily? I won't let this -"

"Shut up, Sirius," Anwen screamed as she pulled her hand away and lunged forward, pushing his chest. "We're not snogging, shagging or even considering doing any of that. We met… others… tonight who shared a lot with us. It was overwhelming and shocking and now I have to tell you all about it!" She put her hands on her hips and the look on her face did more to move him than her attempt to shove him. He walked backward a few steps and sat down on the end of his bed. "Anyway, we just discovered that we're related to each other, so you know, it would be wrong for us to do anything with each other."

"You're related?" he stammered.

"Yup," James confirmed. "She's my second cousin, our grandmothers are sisters. Remember Auntie Elizabeth from France?"

"Yeah," Sirius sceptically replied.

"That's her grandmother."

"Holy shite."

"Absolutely," Anwen added. "Well, that was the least of the mind-blowing things we need to tell you. Get comfortable."

Sirius moved himself to the top of the bed, shifting his pillows so he could sit comfortably. James had sat down on his trunk, silently offering his cousin his bed. She didn't move for a moment.

"You going to sit with me?" Sirius quietly asked. Anwen considered him and his request.

"I don't know," she confessed. "You really hurt me earlier."

"I know, I didn't mean to. It's been a hard few weeks..." he trailed off.

"Yes, it has. You have been rude, self-centred and boorish to those around you, most of all me. You've been avoiding more than one girl and making yourself look rather stupid in the lengths you'll go to not be around them," she bluntly finished. "I've had to deal with you PMS-ing and daft girls who thought you liked them." Sirius looked surprised by this revelation. "Oh don't look so surprised. You had known who they'd turn to when your 'flings' implode. Been happening since sometime in my first year."

Sirius opened his mouth and then closed it again. Anwen watched the action and gave him an annoyed look. "Good choice. There isn't much you can say about it, especially if it's an excuse." Her words were simple and emotion-free. "Before I decide if I'm going to sit with you, answer a question."

Sirius pondered her for a moment, worried about any number of things she could ask, but had to ignore the little voice in his head and indicated with a tip of his head she should ask.

"Were you upset earlier because of what I smelled in your love potion, or because of what you smelled?"

Sirius was startled by the question. He was expecting something about his girl problems, or perhaps at his volatile outbursts as of late; he absolutely didn't expect this question. "How did you know?" he asked, not really thinking about the words as he said them.

Anwen scoffed and snorted at his response. With sad tears threatening to fall, she chose to sit down on James' bed. "Honestly, it was obvious when I smelled it. Your nose flared and you went white."

"It's a potion, Winnie, it doesn't mean anything," a now irritated Sirius threw back. He hated that he couldn't hide anything from her, especially something he wasn't sure if he understood yet.

"Perhaps, but from how Lily explained it to me, it's like your map there; it doesn't lie. You will always smell things that remind you of the person you love or desire, even if you're not sure who the scents belong to. Sirius, I ask you again, which made you more upset; what I smelled or what you smelled?"

The man snaked his hands through his dark mass of hair, then cracked his knuckles and stretched. He turned his head to look at Anwen, and sighed. Her face was emotionless, but her eyes were insistent. Sirius was well aware how stubborn she could be, she would wait all night for him to answer. The truth was that he was frightened by both her admission and his. Of course he recognised the scents she'd announced: broom polish - her first broom was a gift from him. Chocolate with cinnamon - a recent beverage discovery while they were in Hogsmeade. The sweet grass was from down by the lake - their favourite place to go and be alone, together.

Equally troubling was what he smelled. Anwen always smelled like strawberries, though it wasn't an artificial smell like most girls. He'd even dreamt that she tasted the same. Coffee was a dead giveaway; she was the only one of their bunch of friends who drank the stuff. Sunshine was the most telling for him though, as it harkened back to an important day for him. It was this fall, when he was able to take her into Hogsmeade for the first time. It was cool out, but clear and sunny and they'd thoroughly enjoyed the day. They ended it with a fly on the new broom he'd bought himself. They had to share the ride, so he sat behind her, arms around her waist as she steered them through intricate loops and dives. His chest and arms had tingled where she was in contact with him. He thought it surprising he was attracted to her, and worked to ignore the feeling. He'd never tingled from a girl's touch, not since his encounter with Olivia Nott almost three years ago; he didn't want to feel this way with Anwen.

Realising he was lost in thought, he shook his head to snap out of the musings and looked at her again. Her eyes, which had been expectant, now were sad and disappointed.

"Fine," she huffed. "Obviously you're so traumatised by the idea of our being attracted to each another that you can't speak about it." Her bitter superiority made the words snap against his heart and mind. He couldn't figure out why this wasn't freaking her out like it was him. Sirius looked away, punching at his pillow.

"This is going to be harder than I expected," she muttered. At her words, he looked up and was surprised she was looking to James for support, not him. "You'll help me fill in the parts I forget or mess up, right?"

"You know I will," James answered even as he took her hand and gave it a squeeze. The action wasn't lost on Sirius, and a slight pang of jealousy rippled through him. He had always been the one to comfort or bolster her. Would James take his place now? Would she turn to him for her troubles, or would her cousin be a more logical choice as confidant? Was he really attracted to her? The questions were beginning to give Sirius a headache.

With a steadying breath, Anwen began the tale of how versions of James and herself, from the future, came to tell them about the rapidly approaching war with Voldemort and how they all would play an important part.

"Wait, wait, how do you know these...people, visions, whatever, how do you know they were the two of you?" Sirius demanded, not even up to pondering what was said about the war stuff.

"Besides the whole looking like us?" James asked.

"Okay, so they looked like you. Polyjuice makes you look like someone else. Plus, you said they weren't completely solid or something," he retorted.

"Sirius, the woman told me something about myself that I wouldn't have shared with anyone,even you. It's something I just wouldn't tell...please, let's just drop this. It was us," Anwen uncomfortably explained.

"Okay, fine," he snapped. James gave Sirius a glare, but Padfoot chose to ignore it.

"Anyway, the reason this is important is I need you to help me do some kind of special, difficult spell in July 1979. Apparently we are the only ones who perform it, and we MUST do it together," Anwen explained.

"Well, that doesn't sound so bad," he replied. "We've got like two and a half years to learn this magic stuff. What spell is it?"

"I don't even know yet," she confessed. "The back-in-time spell is in some book in your family library; the reversal spell is still being written."

"Wait, how the hell did someone in the future get hold of a book from the Black Library when I've been disowned?"

"You're not actually disowned, Sirius," James explained. "Your parents, they've said you're disinherited, but you're not. Don't forget, you're the eldest son of a really important family, all that Ancient and Most Noble stuff."

"Cool, but who gets this book and how?"

"If I understand it correctly, your Mum and Dad both die, as does Reg, so you get everything. Then you die, and you leave everything to your ward. He's the one who finds the book and comes back in time."

"I have a ward in the future?" Sirius queried with an astounded tone. "Who the hell would be barmy enough to put a child into my care? I am not father material." Anwen and James looked at each other, knowing more of the truth, but choosing not to share it. They were certain if Sirius became aware of just how many children he would father in possible futures and that he would be godfather to James and Lily's son, it might just be more than he could take.

"That's a discussion for another time," Anwen said gently, effectively distracting Sirius by standing up and moving to lean against his bedpost.

"Well, at least I know I can still spend the family funds and not just what Uncle Al left me," he said relieved. The other two chuckled. "So all of this is about a spell?"

"Yup. It apparently stops a war," Anwen answered.

It sounded like a rather strange thing as well, people jumping back and forth in time and gallons of Polyjuice. "So why is it that we have to do this spell? Aren't there people who would be better, like Dumbledore?"

This was the part that made Anwen the most nervous. There were only three futures where she wasn't married to him and in two of those they were dead before they could wed. The third was a desperately unhappy future for them all: James and Lily had married, but the strife and sadness of their friends tore the marriage apart after only seven years. James and Sirius became alcoholics and Lily took Harry away, disappearing in the Muggle world to raise him. Forty-three other timelines had them happily wed, sharing incredibly strong magic and raising children together.

"Well, this part gets a little strange here, so please just be patient," she asked and he nodded. James rose from his trunk and walked across the room to the door. "I'll leave you two alone. If you need me, I'll be down in the common room." With that he left. Anwen had nodded when appropriate, but chose not to speak as he left. After watching for the telltale glow of a privacy charm and locking spell on the door, she slid onto the bed, sitting closer to the foot, and looked at her best friend and apparent soul mate.

"Why is it us?" she reiterated the question. "Er, I found something out about my magic today, from older me. I come from a long line of witches who have a skill called Visualisation. What it means is we see magic. I thought everyone could, which is why I never told anyone. I can see your magic as it pulses and circulates through your body. I can see that James has some magical items in his trunk, some 'questionable' magic attached," she said and Sirius laughed a little and then reached out for her hand. This time she twined her fingers among his. He opened his mouth to say something, but she stopped him. "Let me finish, please. I have the additional skill of being able to project what I see. I can't do it yet, I need to work at it, but older me said it was just a concentration thing, and I'd pick it up soon. My grandmother, the one who makes me James' cousin, she has this skill as well. Her life was threatened once because of it. It's why we keep it secret."

"Okay," Sirius said, definitely appearing and sounding shell-shocked. "Winnie, that's amazing. Is this visual stuff, is it why you can do spells so easily?" He looked happy and proud of her, something she hadn't seen since the night of his birthday.

"Yeah," she meekly answered.

"So, I get why you're important in doing this spell, but why me?" he asked her.

Anwen kneaded the skin between her eyes and sighed. She took her wand out and dimmed the majority of the candles that illuminated the room, leaving only one over Sirius' bedside table lit. She could hide in the darkness more easily. One last cleansing breath and she answered him.

"That's a good question," she mumbled. "Did you know there's a whole branch of magic which can only be done in pairs?" He shook his head, but refrained from saying anything. "It's of Greek origin, and while it's powerful, it isn't like just any pair of people could do it, it has to be a special pair. Only two people who share a specific bond can do the magic."

"Yeah? What sort of bond is it?" he asked quietly.

"Sirius, it takes a set of soul mates to do it," she said as if she were handing him a horrible diagnosis. "You and I, we're soul mates. If you think about it, it makes sense; I mean we were drawn to each other the first day I was at Hogwarts. I trusted you with my deepest secret immediately. I think somewhere in all of that I already knew. Anyway, apparently in nearly every lifetime that this older version of me had knowledge of, we're together. We're married and we mastered this crazy magic."

She chose to say no more, instead letting him adjust to what she'd just announced. At first Sirius' face was placid, then the emotions flicked through him quickly. Concern, scorn, rejection, wonder and finally confusion.

"I marry you?" his shaky voice asked as he pulled his hand away. "I marry a Muggle-born?"

The words hit Anwen just as if she'd been slapped. Never had her blood status mattered to him or anyone else. She closed her eyes and struggled to hide the tears which quickly sprang up. The bed shifted, and Sirius was mumbling and making sounds that resembled a muffled roar. He'd gotten off the bed and had begun pacing around the room.

"What sort of shite are you talking about, Anwen? I've never shown any interest in you that way, and you've sworn to me over and over that you didn't think of me that way either. Now you're smelling broom polish and chocolate with cinnamon and saying it's me? You know, maybe it's Moony. He's helped you polish your broom," Sirius ranted. "You know I don't believe marriage is a good idea and have no intention of ever marrying. My parents have come close to destroying one another because they were forced into that sham of a commitment. Do you think I'd want to do that with you? I can't believe you'd do this to me, Anwen. You're supposed to be my best friend!"

By the time he reached the end of his tirade, he was yelling and Anwen was shaking. It wasn't that he was angry, it was how he'd dismissed her so easily. Apparently, she was so undesirable a girl that being with her disgusted him.

"Why are you telling me this now? What, is this supposed to happen right away? Do you know how that would look? Me, an adult involved with you, a kid. Anwen, you're thirteen! I just turned seventeen. I'm a fully empowered wizard; not just someone playing at it," the bluster continued. Silently, Anwen slipped off his bed and made for the door, shaking and silently sobbing as she went. She passed him without his even knowing and he only saw her once her hand was on the handle.

For his part, Sirius had no idea what he was saying anymore. Words were leaving his mouth, but they felt disconnected and incomplete. His head was diametrically opposed to his heart: head claiming a relationship was ridiculous, his heart somehow believing she was the one. After all, Anwen had been the only person, beside Mrs Potter, who could make him want to change. He had wanted to be a better person for her, not any of the girls he'd gone with. He swore he'd never admit it was her face that appeared when he was snogging a girl. He had not been 'with' anyone since his birthday, when she went out of her way to make the day special and amazing. He didn't think it was fair to snog or shag one girl when his mind was on another. He figured it would go away and he'd wait it out before being with someone new.

When he turned around and saw her at the door, he didn't know what to say. Anwen had her back to him, hand on the knob. She was leaving. He didn't want her to leave, he just needed time to sort everything out. He wanted to lay his head in her lap and let her run her fingers through his hair, like she'd done this summer while listening to music in her dorm room. He wanted to pluck up the courage to say something, anything.

"Where are you going?" he asked, sounding far harsher than intended.

"I was leaving," she replied through a clenched jaw, back still to him. "I'm quite certain you don't want a Mudblood like me sticking around."

He stumbled over to her, devastated that she'd used that horrible, awful word to describe herself. "Don't ever say that," he said angrily. "It's a terrible thing to say."

"Oh, really? Does your pure blood make it okay for you to say?"

"No!" he yelled back, again raking his hair. "No one should say it!"

"You bloody hypocrite!" she screamed while turning around and stomping her foot. "You all but called me that a few minutes ago. I was foolish enough to believe you respected me. All this time it was a lie."

"Anwen, what the hell are you talking about?"

"It means so little to you that you don't even remember saying it?"

"Saying what?" With that she turned again and pulled the door toward her. Sirius leaned over, putting his hand up high and forcing the door shut.

"Please, let me leave," she begged.

"But, we need to talk."

"About what? You wouldn't answer my questions, you scoffed at what I said and then you insulted me!" she yelled. "I always knew I wasn't the calibre of your usual girls, but…God," she muttered, "why would older me play such a horrible joke on me?"

"What?"

"She would have had to know your reaction, it's her past. Why would she make me confess my feelings only to have you dismiss them and me? I assumed we would at least stay friends," her words came out between sobs and were hard to understand.

Suddenly it dawned on Sirius what she might be saying and he fell back from the door. "You've always felt this way, haven't you?"

Anwen dropped her arms and wiped her tears.

The room felt small to Sirius instantly, and he didn't know what to do about it. Without saying anything he opened the door and left her standing there. When James saw him tear through the common room, he was afraid their conversation went badly. He ran upstairs to find Anwen stretched out on Padfoot's bed, weeping. James gathered his newfound cousin in his arms and let her cry herself to sleep. Once she was silent and still, he opened the map and found his mate sitting in the common room. He slipped out from under her tiny frame and considered going down to talk to him. Ultimately he thought it would be best to wait until morning. The open map was left on Sirius' bedside table, partially covering his wand and pocket-watch.

TW TW TW TW TW

Anwen awoke, startled to find herself in the boys dorm, asleep in Sirius' bed, alone. It only took a moment for her to realise it wasn't a nightmare she'd experienced, it was real. He wasn't here. He hadn't come back to straighten things out with her. She looked at his pocket watch, her gift to him, discarded next to the bed and saw it was just before six. After considering all her options, she slid off the bed and looked down at the map.

Softly she padded to James' bed, waving her wand to put up a privacy charm as to not wake Peter or Remus.

"James, James," she said giving him a gentle shake. "Please wake up." His eyes popped open and it only took him a moment to take in her face and body language, to know that Sirius hadn't come back in the night.

"Hey, how are you doing?"

"As well as can be expected, I suppose. I'm sorry to have awoken you, but I need your help."