Ch-4
While I was mopping up the goddamn gloppy mess, many plots for revenge had come to me…but as far as I know bombs aren't exactly legal…and neither was murder. Of course, other things kept distracting me from trying to figure out how to get away with murder, one of them being my tingly lips, and the sweet tightly red-jean clad ass a few feet away… I continued to nibble my piercing to death.
This colorful mess would not come off! Goddamn! I was half-tempted to tell Harribel that we should leave it like this as a display thing…hell, splattered hair-dye was better then a life-size douche-bag cut-out. Eventually, after what seemed like centuries, but was probably more like five minutes, the floor was less awesome…and I had a Technicolor mop…with matching water. Oh, fuck yes, I've always wanted rainbow janitor supplies…
I dragged my gay mop back to the Twilight Zone- I mean employee's room, not bothering to rinse it out…Ulquiorra can do that on his trash taking out sessions. Both my feet had gone from sleeping to dead…yet my body was still yelling about how lucky they were…I swear I'm not suicidal…my brain is just fucked up..it's not my fault!
I returned to my post, glad that perky-hair-dye girl was gone, and nap-time was upon us-er…me. Grimm wasn't here today, typical Friday…he slept all day to go clubbing at night. Bastard…don't be bothered to take the awesome guy-I'm not conceited. I was very easily distracted…oh shiny!- what?...it's kinda obvious… I started looking around my counter-yes, mine, this also had my name in sharpie on it- in search of something to entertain myself with…seeing as Ichi was busy in the back bringing out new things, and was not out here to entertain me with putting things on shelves…
My laborious efforts brought me a paperclip, a rubber band, another rubber band…cat fur…and-to my utter disgust and horror- a…condom. Neon pink, and…I don't even wanna know what- filled. I poked it with the end of the paper clip…maybe I'd stuff that into Grimmy's locker somehow…cue evil laugh of evilness. And last…and probably least, a pen. Ah well, this at least gave me something to chew on, other then shredding my lucky and tingly lips to pieces.
I flicked the rubber band at Ulquiorra, nonchalantly staring innocently at the ceiling when he turned t glare me to death…and un bent the paper clip, using it to stab holes in the plastic bags I put things in… once that got old, I chewed on the pen. It tasted like plastic…so I chewed some more, enjoying when it scraped my gums…it felt real good…I bent it more, and gnawed the fuck out of it…until it snapped…I ripped it out of my mouth before I got ink in it…I remember when I made the mistake of sucking on the end of a gel pen…I had the taste of that nasty-ass shit on my tongue for a goddamn week…uerugh
Oh…holy fuck! That's it! I knew exactly how to make those motherfuckin goddamn cock-sucking, asshole fucking..bitch ass cunts pay!...well, one of them would!...an evil and psychotic looking grin that I wore well split my face…hmm split faces…like half the face would be a face…the other half could be a watermelon…no~! right, revenge, I knew exactly what I'd do…now I needed a shit-load of pens…
It seems as if whenever I want people to come in that they band together and avoid the doors like a plague…maybe I should put a sign on the door that said stay the fuck out, then I know they'd all come rushing in…
How long until lunch again?...two goddamn hours?...maybe I should bang my head a little harder…hmm heads…faces…lips…luscious wonderful pink kissable lips- holy damn I sound like a fuckin' girl…I looked around for the source of my new obsession, finding him hanging yet more things up on shelves…it seemed as if Hot Topic had an infinite amount of stuff to put on shelves that never ended…hell if I cared though.
My obsession kept walking around aimlessly, holding his hands behind his back and sashaying his hips side to side…was he…showing off for me? Oh, fuck yeah! I watched him interestedly and when he finally turned his head looking around I nodded my head, 'oh hell yeah I saw that'…that shade of pink, the only shade of pink that was good in the world graced my presence…on his face…wow, I really am obsessive…someone shoot me now…damn, if he kept moving like that whenever he walked…focus! Right, I need a way to get five million pens by the end of the day…hmm
I decided that I would ask each customer for a pen…and then I'd keep it…if only I had a-oh I did, and she looked pissed off…I really need to quit spacing out…
she looked embarrassed too, though I guess I would be too if I were buying hot pink lingerie…the bustier things with all that lace. I kept glancing back and force between Ichigo's stretched out form, and the hot pink mess…as usual my mind melded the two images together on its quest to give me a permanent hard-on…I sucked air between my teeth and bit down on my piercing. Nom, nom, nom…
The punk looking girl with multiple ear piercings grabbed her bag and turned to leave…oh wait, my devious plan. "hey, miss" miss? Seriously? Dude, you work in Hot Topic…
"eh?"
"do you have any pens?" I was really getting sick of the high looks…did I need t carry a drug test in my back pocket?...along with all my lighters, pocketknives, crumpled pieces of paper, notes, doodles, lists, yo-yos, bottle caps-
"uh, no." she backed away, then ran out the door…maybe I was what was wrong with business…na, couldn't be… but, damn it…teenagers today couldn't be bothered to carry pens around…which meant I'd have to get off my lazy ass and find them…as if Harribel would let me go though…damn blondy… hmm, Grimm wasn't even here…Ul didn't talk, except to his voices…Ichi-!
I jumped over the counter, almost decapitating some innocent bystander, and made my way to the berry man, who'd unfortunately, gone back to hanging things up… deciding to play ninja, I snuck up on him slowwwwwlyyyy. As soon as I was right behind him, I gave in to one of my many screaming wills and grabbed his ass. Okay, perv-ness satisfied for the time being…which is to say, about five minutes. he squeaked, the cutest goddamn noise I've ever heard.
"oi! What the hell?" aww, he looked like he'd been violated-even in my head I said it mockingly-…so adorable…I shrugged, "well you were popping it so deliciously earlier…I have another favor to ask…" I watched him, just wanting to see how his mind would work, whether he was just as much a perv as I was. Hehehe, satisfaction! He blushed and looked around all nervous like.
"oh, it's nothin' tha' bad…I jus' need ya ta take m'place at the counter, till I can round up five gillion pens" the high looks I think were the worst when he gave them to me. And damn, now that cute pink was gone from his face…
"I take it you've figured out some way to kill those girls…with pens?..I've gotta see this…" he catches on quick.
"you wouldn't happen ta have a pen with ya, wouldja?" he shook his head. Oh well…
"thanks Ichi…go!...right, go"
"if it's really that hard to say my whole name, then you can just call me Ichi…" he looked at the floor…hmm I wanna paint the floor-wait…I can callz himz Ichi? Oooohaahhhh ohh happy daaannce!..in my head of course, because I have complete control over my self…in what universe…two down to the right- what is it with me and talking to myself?
"okay, Ichi…" I guarantee the same insane grin was on my lips…at the word lips, they tingled…I bit my piercing again, one of these days I'm going to bite it off and choke on it…hmm choke..
"well, if you have to round up five thousand"-
"five gillion"
"-whatever, five gillion pens, then hurry up" feeling daring, I bent down to kiss him quickly…I could pass a drug test, but I certainly needed my strawberry quick fix…I could've skipped out the doors, hell I probably did.
.
I ran around to every single fucking shop, jacking their pens, my back pockets now had a bunch of pointy things digging into my ass…hmm pointy things…asses…focus! Jeezuz fucking what the fuck…
I still didn't think I had enough pens though…I'd need a fucking ton…I darted around, much like they tell you to do so in walmart, except I refuse to hum the Mission Impossible theme song…finally, I saw a place that would end my search; the stationary store. It was right across from the Victoria's Secret place, and as usual, the anorexic looking mannequins were dressed in hardly anything…but they were just mannequins. Whenever I went inside there, I always got the strangest looks…hmm, couldn't be because I'm a guy…Orihime and Rangiku, the two girls who were on our side in the war, waved at me with their huge bouncy- smiles, yes, smiles… they were either closet whores, or completely bubbly and stupid, because sometimes they'd strut around in the mannequin's 'clothing'….though I think Rangiku was influencing Orihime for her own personal-
Anyway, stationary…right, pens, paper, stamps, blah,blah…I walked in the entrance, ceasing my awesome ninja-ing skills, going to the back where they had pen refills…hmm, black or blue?...black ink was cheapest…oh, and it came in a bottle! Perfect. I smirked even creepier, scaring the two girls that had been standing next to me…kukukukuku, those bitches would rue! The day they fucked with me. Or at least regret it for a little while for pinking my hair…scowl.
I grabbed several bottles of my needed substance, and walked up to the counter. Some chick with wide glasses was there, her hair back in a bun and a clip board in hand…she looked like she had at least three or fifteen sticks up her ass. Hot damn, fifteen bucks for three black ink things! Pffft, this had damn well better work.
After I had my specially wrapped bag o' stuff, I ran back to work, hopefully in time so that the blonde doom-bringer wouldn't notice I'd been gone…if only I could be so lucky. I skidded to a halt on the black tile, and slowly made my way to the Ichigo in my spot. Woo, there was no one actually in line, and he was pulling a me and banging his head on the counter. I could start a trend, and then take over the universe.
He finally a stopped, a dazed and confused look on his face…one that I wore often and well. He was wearing that clocket again. Yes, clock and locket, clocket. I jumped over the counter, avoiding beheading my Ichi…my?...hmm, maybe mine.
"was your quest fulfilling?" he asked sarcastically
"why, yes. Yes, it was." I took out my precious little things to be used for evil, and pointed at them. I had about fifteen pens, and two bottles of thick black ink.
"what exactly are you planning on doing, captain devious?" I s'pose that's better then captain doofus…
"I can't tell you! That'll ruin the suspeeeense!" he pouted and rolled his eyes, I swear he just keeps getting better and cuter. Once he left, leaving me all alone!- I set to work chewing on my pen collection. This kicks a stamp collection's ass!
I bit down on the top of the pen, snapping the plastic and removing the ink well. Hmm, well that was easy, and it only cost me one tooth! Fourteen more to go… once I reached seven, some dyed black bitch thought he could interrupt me by making me do my job! Oh, the horror…I scowled at him, doing my impersonation of a pissed off Harribel, and rang up his gir hoodie. Pfft, green alien dog thing so damn cute…and it was eating a cupcake…I must have ADHD or something, I couldn't focus on anything for shit!...well except Ichi's fine ass…
The rude snapping of fingers brought me back to the world. Seriously, it was a wonder how no one complained about me…how the hell I kept my job was as much a mystery as why Robert Pattinson is considered attractive. Eh…once the finger snapping asshole was gone, I ran to the employee room thing mabob, now on a hunt for a plastic bag…hmm-hmm-hmm…
I finally had something entertaining to do…besides daydream about Ichigo…and whatever else came to mind…I set to work breaking open each of the pens, and pulling the ink wells out. Once that was done I devoted my time to annoying the fuck out of Ulquiorra…plastic thrown at the back of the head is most annoying…mewhahaha…then I pulled the little metal tips off the end of the thin plastic tube…and lemme tell ya that's hard as fuck! Those little suckers do not like to come off…hot damn…
I had to get the ink out of the little tubes, so…I…blew on the end of it, forcing the ink out. I swear, I am NOT giving ink wells blow jobs…but I know that's exactly what it looked like…I was so fucking glad Grimmjow wasn't here, I'd never live it down…
I had my handy-dandy Ziploc bag filled almost halfway once I was finished blowing the dissected pens. I hope the bottles were like Mary Poppins's bag… well, that's a definite no on bottle one…I unscrewed the lid…hmm I wonder if you can unscrew a person…and give them back their virginity…or take back your dignity…eh…once the second bottle was empty, the bag was nearly to its full point…I wanted to put in one last thing…something incredibly disgusting and ew-ful that was vomit-worthy…oh! I knew just the thing..now where did I leave that paper-clip…
Using the already filthed up paper clip, I searched for the pink condom from b'fore. This would go oh-so nicely with a side of REVENGE…I dunked the miserable piece of plastic into my bag of doom, and sealed it shut. Tonight, payback would be served. Oh, and I finished ink collecting just in time for my Starbuck's run. Hooray!
Successful on my Ichi hunt, I dragged him out of the damned shop and towards throat-scalding goodness. He was a good boy and simply followed. Resistance is futile!
That welcoming smell hit my nose and I walked in, literally throwing the doors aside, ignoring disgruntled coffee-drinkers. Nel was working the counter like a pro as usual, and smiled when she saw me.
"you want your usual today right? Or are you going to become like everyone else and already know what you want?..oh the horror!" her voice was so high pitched and child-like.
"eh, gimme tha usual, whatever concoction you can come up with" sometimes, I had to be careful when I said this. once I pissed her off, and she gave me coffee grind soup. Blech, I always made sure to be pleasant around her. She turned to look at my Ichi…since when had I started referring to him as mine? Oh well, as good as.
"uh…um…"
"jus' give 'I'm whateveh ya gimme, ne?" she nodded and sped off like a lunatic, grabbing random bottles and containers. Nnoitra, one of her co-workers-but I called him the spooner- was used to this and just tried to stay out of her way as she raced around.
Once the…hopefully edible, drinks were finished, she handed them to me over the countertop, and I handed one to Ichi. I sniffed mine first, but he stuck a straw in and sucked it right up…oh the phrasing of that thought…mm-mm-mm-mm-mm..toasty..just kidding. It smelled like cinnamon, and tickled my nose. I sipped a little bit…yep, definitely cinnamon…and chai tea? Really? That was kind of toned down for Nel, oh well, lucky for me.
Ichi and I headed out, choosing to spend the remaining fifteen minutes by the fountain. It was all watery. Surprising. He kept his mouth on the tip of his straw the entire walk. Tease…though I don't think he was doing that on purpose…
Once we were sitting down, with me managing not to fall in…I turned to my Ichi…I guess he wasn't mine yet…but hot damn did I want him to be…and technically HE kissed me, so- dare I ask? Hmm, to ask or not to ask, that is the question. no, I do not like Shakespeare…ueurgh, but who hasn't heard that line b'fore? But seriously…ask or not…my little metal nub was being tortured again…"earth to shiiiiirrrooo?" oh yeah, planet earth, that's where I'm supposed to be.
"yes?"
"what's your world like? It must be damn spiffy since that's where you spend most of the time at." Spiffy? Did he really just say 'damn spiffy'? oh my fucking-I laughed at that, causing several looks to come my way…probably concerned for my mental health-which was very ill and on its death bed.
"spiffy?" he huffed at my teasing tone.
"yes, damn spiffy. Don't judge." Aw.
"well then. I think you're damn spiffy" ah yes, that blessed pink blush. It was my new favorite color. I was glad he didn't choke on that straw….I could think of something else he could choke on…damn, I wish I could mentally slap myself.
I heard him mumble something under his breath. "eh?, whatdja say Ichi?" I guess I get a kick out of thoroughly embarrassing him. .haha.
"I said…I think…you're damn spiffy too…" it was incredibly awesomely amazingly utterly…wonderousfull when he said that, chorus of cats went off, the lights dimmed, time stopped!...well, it did in my head anyways.
To ask it was then. I couldn't take it anymore, he was all mine now.
"yer mine now." I said it just like that, and pulled an Ichi, with kissing him bent backwards over the water-just like in the bathroom…except regrettably, his shirt was on. Alas, not everything can be perfect.
Sadly, my stupid useless lungs decided they wanted oxygen of all things and I had to pull away from his panting…alluring…sexy…body- yeah, and he looked happy as I felt. I smirked.
"so does this mean yer me-"
"yes, yes, don't say it outloud" he put his hands over his blushing face. Aw, he was embarrassed…he was very self-conscious I noticed…damn, that meant he was a prude I bet. No raunchy hot sex for me…shit, I barely know him. I need a brain-muzzle…
"aww, hahaha." He scowl-glared.
"we should go back now…I'm sure twenty minutes has gone" damn it…oh well. If I came to work everyday, I'd have a twenty minute date with Ichi every day as well. Woo… the whole walk back I hung off of him, showing the jealous bitches, that fuck yeah, this un's mine motherfuckah!
More people had shown up during our break, proving my theory-that they show up when I don't want them- correct. I was unceremoniously brought back from my Ichi-induced-high, when some asshole brought their haridye to the counter. I eyed it, poked it with a dismembered pen piece, and pushed it over the scanner with said broken pen piece. What was with people and hair dye?...and the kitty ears, and the skull earrings, and the gloves, and the…ooh I had no problem with the skirts anymore…and the rubber bands?
Finally, after an agonizingly long time-ten whole goddamn minutes- I was free from typing, receipting, and adding. I shook the Ziploc bag I'd stashed under my chair, sloshing the black mess around. Five more hours….
.
Closing time had arrived, Harribel was locking up, and I stood by the stairs with my bag of black goo. This would be the tricky part, sneaking into the Justice store without tripping alarms…the whole mall had universal locks, so my key would work, but I was still wary that the demon spawn-Yachiru- would jump at me and eat my head. The one on my shoulders.
I ran upstairs, to the same pink shop, the mannequin I'd artfully glued to the stand was covered with a flowered cloth. Yeuch, it was much better my way. I dug in my pocket for the silvery key…it was next to my pack of gum, which was on top of my yoyo which was tied to my three favorite bottle caps which were-okay okay. The lock clicked and I snuck inside, tippy-toeing through the eye melting pinkness. I narrowly missed decapitation via shoe stand, and avoiding knocking over a huge pile of…clothing, if you could call it that.
I made my way to the back, searching for their back room…ah! Here it was, the employee's room, each square in the mall, except for the kiosks, have one…and they usually have….yes! a bathroom. Perfect. Smirk. I wasn't completely sure how I was gonna do this, but I'd figure it out as I went along. The door was, thankfully, not pink, so I didn't have to worry about incinerating on contact. It slid open without a sound, and I spotted the sink. That's what I'll do then!
I knelt down beside it, opening the cabinet underneath the sink's countertop. I didn't look at what…lay in there besides cleaner. Shudder… there was a wrench somewhere under here though, I knew…all sinks have a wrench…found it. plan evil revenge victory!, is a go..or perv…oh, goddamn it! even my subconscious is perverted!
I undid the thing holding the two pipes together, and pulled them open just a little bit so it wouldn't break, and undid the zipped part of my inky Ziploc. Hmm, I wonder if pen sucking is how Harribel got her ink. Do not think about that, do not re-word that..bad Shiro!
I set the plastic bag into the pipe, sliding it in, leaving it undone, and pushed the pipe back over it, screwing it shut tightly. I had had to learn about some basic plumbing in order to keep my apartment going, so I knew how to adjust the water pressure. I pulled myself out of the cabinet, shut it and leaned back on my haunches. I was very proud of myself. Now, whoever the first person to come in and wash their hands, whenever they turned the faucet on, ink would come up- and now that I think about it, so would that condom-with the water and explode in their face…all I had to do was make sure they needed to rinse their hands…and that's what chocolate syrup on the front door handle is for! They'd think that was the prank, scoff at my stupidity, and get ink+condom juice in their face! I left the store laughing my ass off, and once again, even though I hoped I was alone, I still got the high look from a janitor. Nea, I was meant to go through life as an accused drug-addict, I knew it!
Okay, I'm trying to decide whether or not to put in a lemon. I'd like to, but this is more for a humorous fic then anything else…and of course if I did a lemon, I'd have to let Shiro's fantasies come true…and Ichigo would probably end up in a skirt. With black lace and chains..yum…*drools*…anyway, if you want a lemon for this, say so in a review, they truly are wonderful things. :D *sparkly Shiro bacon sammich eyes*
P.S. it might be a lot longer between updates because i'll be computer deprived...and then it'll take a while for me to get my brain juices flowng again wih my sarcasm serum- anyway, don't expect fast updates after this one...or the next one... sorry T.T