Trouble

Matt had been in his new apartment for almost two weeks now. Ashley stuck around and hated every minute of it. She complained every night that he worked too much and she was bored, because there was nothing to do in Dillon. She went to the game last week but refused to go to dinner after. She still refused to socialize. She finally met the Taylors and was polite, but she declined every dinner invitation after that. She said she didn't need friends because they wouldn't be staying in Dillon. She began asking him when he was going to do something to move their relationship forward. He didn't have to ask, he already knew she wanted a ring. He didn't want to give her one.

Matt came home after practice on Wednesday. It had been a long, hot day and he was tired from the sun. When he walked into the apartment he saw Ashley in her usual position on the couch, only today she had one of the few unpacked boxes set by her feet. It was open and his yearbook was on the coffee table in front of her, his old sketch book under it. He wasn't sure what had happened but he knew she wasn't happy. He walked in and set his bag on the counter. Then, like he did every day, he walked to her leaned in kissed her forehead and said he was going to take a shower. He stayed in longer than usual because the water cool water felt good on his hot skin; it relaxed him as it rolled down his back. He knew he was trying to hold on to those last moments of peace. When Matt climbed out and redressed she was still in the same spot, only her wine was refilled.

"How was your day?"

"Well, Matthew, my day was pretty good. I found this box full of pictures of you when you were younger, some awards, some of your artwork. Your yearbook," she pointed at it lying open on the table. She spoke in a calm voice as he looked at the item in question. "I was having fun, looking in a part of your life that you never let me see. Then I found some of your old art. I found a drawing you did of a girl, one I'd seen before. I remember asking you once who she was; you told me it was just a girl that was in your head. I thought you meant like some of your other pieces get stuck until you get them out on paper. I let it go thinking it was just one of those things artist do; draw the same people more than once. Then I found this year book; this page. 'Matt Saracen and Julie Taylor, Cutest Couple' Seems to me she is more than just a girl in your head." She had his sketch book in her hands now, open to the picture Carlotta once asked him about.

"What are you saying, Ashley?"

"I am saying Matthew, that you have been drawing this girl, your ex-girlfriend, for years, which is fine except you were drawing her during our entire relationship! Who is she? Taylor, that is that coach's name right? Is that why you are so hung up on him?"

"Calm down. Yeah, Julie is my ex; we were together for a long time. She is Coach's daughter. We were very serious, I told you about my history with her."

"Not all of it apparently! Is that why you want so badly to stay here in Dillon? Her parents still live here, so she will come back. Is that why you are so close with her parents?"

"No. I want to stay in Dillon because it is my home. I am close with her family because of football and they have done a lot for me. Some of that had to do with my relationship with her, but I care about them and they care about me, whether Julie and I are together or not. They say when two people break up; you break up with their family too. We didn't want that. My staying in Dillon has nothing to do with Julie Taylor."

"I don't believe you. Is she the reason you won't commit to me?"

"Ashley, we have only been together for 10 months, I was with Julie for 5 years before I-"Matt stopped, he knew he said the wrong thing.

"Before you what?! Did you ask her to marry you?"

"No. I never asked her."

"But you were going to. That is why you won't commit?"

"Ashley, I care about you, I do. I'm just not sure I love you. I am sorry. I don't want t hurt you. You and I want different things. I love Dillon and I am happy being a coach. You want me to be a guy wearing a suit in the city. I don't want that. I loved Julie passionately; I don't feel that way about you. I tried. I did. I care about you deeply, but I know I could never commit to you because that is all I feel. I wanted to love you. I am sorry."

Ashley was crying at this point, the silent tears, the worst tears. Matt tried to hug her, but she pulled away. Eventually she went to the bed room to pack her things. He thought it would be easier for her if he left. He wrote a note telling her she should stay for the night, he didn't want her driving upset or in the dark. He said sorry one last time and then walked out the door.

He drove for a while unsure where to go. That's when he ended up in front of the Taylors'. He felt bad about dropping by unannounced but he couldn't burn any more gas. He knocked on the door and could hear Gracie running inside. He heard her get closer and when the door opens she lit up.

"Mommy, Matt's here!!!" She squealed and giggled with excitement as she pulled him inside by his hand.

"Coach, Mrs. Taylor, Sorry to just drop by," he felt almost nervous again.

"It's okay, Matt. You know you're always welcome. What's going on?"

"Not much, I-I'm sorry to have interrupted your evening. I'll go." The Taylors had known Matt a long time and they knew he needed to talk.

Tami looked at Eric as she said, "Gracie Bell, how about we go to your room and pick out a book for Daddy to read to you later."

"But I wanna stay with Matt," she whined as she looked up at the young man with awe.

"Gracie, don't argue with your mother. Go pick a book and I'll read it later, if you are good I may even do the voices. Okay, Pumpkin?"

"Okay, Daddy," Gracie hopped on the couch kissed his cheek and just as quickly hopped down and took off down the hall.

"You sure have an effect on Taylor women; I'm going to have to keep you away from my wife." Matt half smiled, but couldn't bring himself to really laugh after the night's earlier events. "Have a seat, son. Tell me what's on your mind."

Matt sat in the chair and rubbed his hands together, "Nothing really. Well, sort of. I needed a place to be for awhile. Ashley needed time to pack her things." Eric raised his eyebrows, but if he had something to say, he didn't say it. "She was unpacking today and came across some of my stuff from high school; some art and pictures. See a couple months ago, she saw me drawing a picture and asked me who it was and I told it was a girl I couldn't get out of my head. I knew she wouldn't think anything of it. Today she found an old picture I had drawn, then my yearbook. She was pretty upset."Coach just nodded along. He had suspected this might be about Julie, but he needed to hear more, Matt needed to say more.

"She's been asking for a commitment for a while now. I tried to love her, I did. I just couldn't. The truth is, sir, I gave my heart away a long time ago, and I never really got it back. Never wanted it back; still don't."

"Julie," it was neither a question nor a statement. Matt could only nod. "Well, love's a tough thing, Matt."

"She found the ring; once. I lied, told her it was Grandma's. I felt bad about it, but it gave me an excuse not to get rid of it. After she found it was when she really started asking for more out of our relationship. We just want different things. She was so sure Julie was the reason I stayed in Dillon. It isn't, but now that she said it a part of me wonders if it's true."

"I think you stayed because it fit you. As far as Julie goes, I don't know what to tell you. Tami and I were disappointed to see you two split. I still don't know why you did. I know it must have been on Julie's side because you had other plans."

"I know it sounds crazy because it was almost 3 years ago, but I know she's the only one for me. She wanted time to figure herself out. When I saw her at the funeral, I hoped, you know. It was all so easy, talking to her again. I need to let it go, and maybe someday I will. Anyways, thanks for listening."

"That's no problem, Matt."

Matt stood as he said, "Well, Ashley should be asleep by now. I should head back, crash on the couch. You'll tell the girls I said good night?"

"Yeah, of course."

"Tell your wife, I'm single again. She has my number," Matt said with a smile as he stepped through the door.

He headed home feeling a little better. He still felt terrible for hurting Ashley. He really did care for her. He slipped quietly into the apartment and sat on the couch. After he kicked his shoes off, he lay down. When he looked over the yearbook was staring back at him. He and Julie were so happy then, they had their whole lives ahead of them. He closed his eyes and tried to think of a way to get over her. A battle he has been fighting for years now. He feared he'd never be able to do it. He was in trouble of never loving again.