Chapter Four
TW - (self harm and a panic attack)
I still can't believe I came to the disabled bathroom, its so cliché. But this is where I've always hidden away – in a bathroom. Where nobody can hear me sob. Blaine, calm down, control yourself. This is nothing, okay? It doesn't mean anything. Yet I'm still torn.
Nothing's fine I'm torn.
Song lyrics float randomly through my head, how appropriate.
I'm all out of faith
This is how I feel
It just makes me cry harder. At everything. Bad memories are filling up my head, they'll drown me. Wish my life was normal, the way life should be.
And I run now to the things they say could restore me
Restore life the way it should be
I'm waiting for this cough syrup to come down
Why am I doing this to myself? Tear tracks are etched onto my cheeks, they'll fade but my scars won't. I'm broken.
You can't play on broken strings
You can't feel anything
That your heart don't want to feel
I want to be able to stop. But I can't. I feel haunted. By my own memories. I thought life would get better but it just gets worse.
But I thought
This wouldn't hurt a lot
I guess not
It was stupid of me to think I'd be able to cope here, I can't. They all hate me, I can't ever get anyone to like me, they all end up hating me in the end. My parents, bullies, the guys at McKinley, eventually Kurt will give up on me too. I'm a failure who can't please anyone.
I've been a fool and I've been blind.
I could never leave the past behind
I can see no way, I can see no way
If nobody wants me around, what's the point in even being alive? I should just do the world a favour and die. Not that I haven't tried. But I'm a coward, I'm scared of dying. I wish I could just end it but I always cough up the pills, or bandage the wounds so nobody will ever see.
All I wanna do is lose control
My hand wanders over my bag, my pen knife is in there. I look over my arms, an array of purple white pink and red scars of various lengths stare up at me. I hate myself. I'm hideous. If Kurt knew, he'd cast me aside without blinking. I want to have control over my pain. My fingers itch with want. I deserve it. No. Stop. I feel my phone buzz in my pocket. My hand are shaking. I take my phone out, several messages from Kurt that I can't bear to read right now, and… a message from Cooper? I haven't heard from him in an age. Curiosity peaked. I open the text. My eyes are still full of tears, I can barely read it through my blurred vision. I wipe away the moisture with my sleeve and proceed to read.
Hey Squirt! I know I haven't spoken to you in while-
A while? Try a half a year.
but this is important. I got a letter from dad. I'm on my way to Ohio now, we'll talk then. Coop
What. Shock fills my body. A letter from him? I can't breathe. Why? I haven't spoken to him since… The voice in my head finishes that thought off for me. I haven't spoken to him since the trial.
The tears fall faster now, I don't know whether I can handle this. In fact, I can't. I think In proved that by not being able to fucking breathe. Why can't I breathe? Usually I don't even notice that I'm breathing but now, my body is trying to kill me. I cough and splutter, it's really loud – I'm panicking. I can't feel anything but panic, fear and self-hatred. I hear the door open, I hope no-one sees me like this.
"Blaine? Are you in here?" Oh no, it's Kurt. I can't let him see me like this. I try not to breathe so damn loudly but I know he can hear me. "Blainey is that you?" He could see my bag under the toilet door. Shit. I can't move it now. He knocks on the door. Shit shit shit what do I do?! "I know it's you Blaine, I'd recognise those shoes anywhere. Talk to me." I don't want to talk. I don't want to push him away but he's coming too close and I'm not comfortable with this.
I want him to leave. He can't see me cry. I can see his feet now, those Gucci boots he loves so much. Can't breathe. "Blaine?! It sounds like you're having a panic attack or something!" He bangs on the door again. My eyes widen in fear, another sharp and painful intake of breath. "Let me help you!" He sounds concerned. He's making me panic more, why won't he leave? I hear a clicking noise and the door comes loose. He's opened it from the outside. I don't know why I'm so scared. He's my boyfriend. But I don't want to screw up what we have because of my stupid problems.
He tries to push the door open but my bag's in the way. I give up and move the bag. I can't hide from him anymore. I love him too much to let our relationship suffer because of my pride. I just don't have to tell him anything I don't want to. He won't know. Kurt pushes the door open slowly, as though he's afraid of what he might see. I don't blame him. I'm a complete mess. A dull thud tells me the door's closed. I feel his hand on my shoulder. I don't even want to look up at him. I can't.
Breathe." I know I need to breathe but I can't fucking do it anymore! "Concentrate on your breathing." I'm trying. "In and out." Despite my initial anger, his words are soothing. "Try and make a conscious effort to slow it down." My breathing hitches as I try to level it out. "You can do this." I really can't. "C'mon, breathe, nice and easy." He must be a magician, because it's working. My breathing isn't normal but it's slower. Maybe I should say something. "Th-thank you." He rubs my back comfortingly and I feel reassured. "Are you okay?" At last I looked him in the face. I'm not okay, I haven't been okay in forever. Can't tell him that. I just nod. I can be okay. As long as he's with me.
Author's Note:
I hope you like the chapter, I tried to make it quite long, if it's too boring I'll chop it down.
Alerts, reviews, favs and critiques welcome :)
~LooNy