Mind Games will now have a twist of shounen-ai. Or at least more a more outright one than earlier. The whole game for me here is to keep everyone in character, so it will be slow for the average fangirl. Give me a break (grins) - everything must be tasteful.
Disclaimer: Don't own, so don't sue. I still can't hire myself as a defence.
Lyrics later in chapter this time! I bet you'll all know them this time around.
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Mind Games: Chapter 4
Many Happy Returns
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So, the first plan of subjecting Ryuuzaki to real life for long enough to force him to remove the handcuffs had been a spectacular failure. Never mind. What we learn from our mistakes will ensure that we don't make them again. Or at least we can see precisely where our plans went wrong, before we were gifted with 'hindsight'. Yagami Raito was not the kind of person who would fly off the handle upon learning that he had made an error. He'd get annoyed about it, certainly, but would first and foremost devote his time to calculating where he went wrong and try to ameliorate the situation.
After he'd done some therapeutic shouting, of course.
And at the moment, he certainly did feel up to a bit of shouting. He was still chained to L and L was still apparently shackled by invisible manacles to his computer, so Raito was stuck pretending to research the Kira case in between playing rounds of online chess. The poor chess website never knew what hit it. There was something oddly satisfying about beating a machine and inanimate object in something that it was programmed entirely to do. Something to do with stripping its life's purpose from its soul, or lack thereof. Rather sadistic maybe, but he had to have somewhere to vent his frustration for still being manacled to the scruffy, spindly excuse for a human being next to him.
"Are you still playing chess, Yagami-kun?"
Damn. Caught. L's lazy drawl held a note of remorse. "If you want a break, just say."
"Would I get any reaction?" asked Raito pointedly. "The last few times that I've asked for a break you've just made a non-descript noise and opened a new document. I've more or less given up on that tact. Besides, playing chess keeps my mind alert."
"I might," replied L, "but that does, of course, depend on the nature of your desire for a break. Boredom, Yagami-kun, is not so desperately important a reason to stop work as is, say, the need to relieve bodily functions."
Raito shuddered. That was a situation that neither of them discussed if they could help it.
"Well, I think I should have a break today," declared Raito. He threw back his arms and rolled several paces backwards on the swivel chair. The chain snapped taut between the two youths, snatching one of L's frail hands from the keyboard. The detective shot Raito a pointedly disgruntled look, but Raito ignored it though, and continued to stretch luxuriously. He yawned broadly. "We should have at least one break every four hours, Ryuuzaki. After all, we've been working since dawn. And…" here it comes, "…I want to call my mother."
L blinked, turning owlish eyes to him curiously. "That's a new one." The look on L's face was one of naivety, but Raito knew better than to believe that mask. He was looking for something that might give him away, Raito was certain. Well, he could keep searching; this time he had nothing to conceal. After all, it wasn't as if his mother knew any key details about the Kira case; except of course where to find all of Kira's baby pictures and paintings done in kindergarten.
Raito shrugged. "It's my birthday. She can't call me here, so I might as well call her. I daresay she'd like to know at some point that I'm still alive."
"You're such a thoughtful son," pondered Ryuuzaki, chin nestled between steepled fingers. Dark eyes were almost dreamily unfocussed as they stared unnervingly at Raito. "Who'd have thought that such an angelic child would have such horribly invasive dreams?"
Once again, something that was best not discussed.
Raito gritted his teeth. "I can't very well control what I dream about, can I? And I don't see what kicks you get out of watching me while I sleep either!" He resisted the urge to strike Ryuuzaki's expressionless, staring face. It was indeed, a very pressing urge by this point.
L glared back at him, "I don't make a point of listening to you, Yagami-kun, but I do make a point of not being rolled onto in the middle of the night. Nor do I appreciate suddenly being latched onto and have strange things muttered in my ear!"
Raito purpled. "You never mentioned that before!" All of the blood in his body came roaring into his head, deafening in his eardrums. If there had been a convenient crater in the ground, he might just have enticed it to swallow him whole.
"I thought we weren't supposed to talk about that sort of thing?"
"Now I just feel like an idiot! You could at least tell me so I can apologise!" and make sure to thoroughly scour my skin afterwards, he mentally added.
"Well, you were just muttering something about marshmallows and pine trees, so it wasn't as bad as you might think, Yagami-kun," conceded L, gaze flickering back to the screen. "So it didn't seem that relevant." Raito closed his eyes and massaged his temples gently. This investigation was going to kill him, it really was.
"So it's your birthday then, Yagami-kun?"
Raito blinked, momentarily distracted from his increasingly more murderous thoughts. "Yeah. Twenty-eighth of February, or at least my computer tells me it is." He added the last bit slightly darkly. How long had it been since he'd last wandered the streets a free man? The last time he'd even seen the streets he'd been shackled with not one but two annoyances. Somehow an appalling situation had contrived to get worse.
L pinched the shallow layer of skin of his thumb between lip and tooth. "You should have told me," he commented blandly, scrolling down the spidery text of yet another case file.
"What difference would it have made?" asked Raito bluntly again. "We'd wake up, we'd work, we'd eat, we'd work, and we'd sleep. Life continues on, regardless of these things. It's only a birthday."
"And yet it is still important enough to you to make you want to call you mother?"
"I feel obliged to. She'd want to wish me happy birthday, and hear how I am, whether or not she'd understand what I'd tell her. As long as she hears that I'm alive and can say that I'm fine, she'll be satisfied no matter how much she prattles."
L clucked his tongue reproachfully. "So cynical, Yagami-kun. Doesn't speaking to your mother mean anything more to you?"
Raito carefully assumed his 'awkward adolescent' mask. "Well, yeah, but… I don't know…" There. One quick butchering of the language and he had successfully made himself look like a rebellious teenager not wanting to admit how much they needed their parents. Hah. The thought made Raito want to laugh. He could more than handle himself. The only debt he owed his parents was a biological one that could be dropped whenever necessary. Now that was true emotional control.
L made a noncommittal noise and returned his attentions to the computer. A couple of minutes of silence followed, broken only by the faint drilling of rain on the window. Raito glanced up. He hadn't even noticed the heavy greyness of the atmosphere. Then something occurred to him.
"What about your mother, Ryuuzaki? You never talk about your family."
L glanced up in surprise. "Why do you ask, Yagami-kun? It isn't like you to be interested in this sort of thing. After all, it's not as if your mother has let you out on a play-date and wants to know about my weird family history before she lets you do it again."
Weirdo. Raito shook his head dismissively. "No real reason. It just seems strange to talk about my own mother and not hear your side of the story as well."
"There is nothing else you want to gain from hearing about it? No possible connections between myself, my family and, say, my true identity?" The wide, stark eyes narrowed. Raito was almost amused to see L go on the defensive for once.
"Nothing like that at all, Ryuuzaki," yawned Raito. "I'm bored and feel like talking about something other than a nutcase murderer for a while. All of these case files are making my mind seize. I could do with a small break to normalcy, no matter how brief, to recharge my batteries."
The corners of L's mouth twitched slightly, curving into a small smile normally reserved only for the last slice of strawberry shortcake. "Very well. I don't know who my mother is. Or my father. Is that normal enough for you, Yagami-kun?"
Raito sat up straighter in his swivel chair. "No, that's not normal, but it's not that uncommon either. So don't you know anything about them?" Now he was just pushing the matter for curiosity's sake.
L stared at him mulishly. "Bits and pieces. Enough so that I'm not interested in locating them, and little enough that I'll always consider it even so. My work takes priority over all else. After all, justice can only prevail if there are people devoted to it. What point is there in pursuing a case of two people who decided that they had no further interest in me when I was born?" He cocked his head on one side, heavy black bangs obscuring his eyes. "No point whatsoever, Yagami-kun. That is the truth."
"I didn't know," muttered Raito quietly. He decided that now would be a good time to be tactfully silent. It was only socially appropriate. Plus, he needed a moment to consider this. There went the idea of learning L's identity through his family then. Never mind. This only provided more opportunities…
"So…" he began hesitantly, "…do you even know when your own birthday is?"
L blinked in bewilderment. "Of course I do. Why wouldn't I? They turned in my birth certificate when they surrendered me."
"Oh, of course," Raito feigned confusion. "I just don't understand the kind of mentality that could have abandoned you, that's all."
And there it was. The slightest of muscle spasms that made the pallid, lanky detective's eyes widen. It was barely perceptible, but Raito had been looking for it. L might have been as good as Raito at wearing masks, but he was not as accustomed to dealing with other people. L blinked, and Raito noticed for the first time that the detective's eyelashes were actually very long. Mind you, he'd never voluntarily spent prolonged periods of time staring into the other youth's eyes, of course.
L sighed, shaking his head. "Funny, Raito-kun. Very funny."
"I was being sincere," replied Raito, noticing that L had done it again. He had slipped into using his first name. He'd noticed it happening occasionally, but only now saw precisely why it happened. Whenever he touched a nerve. So, the great detective was not completely without weaknesses.
L didn't seem to know how to reply to that, so he didn't. Returning his attention to the computer screen, he frowned at the screensaver and swiveled the mouse impatiently. Good. Raito was impressed. He'd actually managed to get to him, even a little. Impatience was not a common sight on this little safari of L's psyche.
"Ah, you've just reminded me, Yagami-kun," murmured L suddenly. "I have a present for you."
"You what?" For once, Raito was startled. "So you were lying when you asked me when my birthday was earlier?"
"Yes," nodded L nonchalantly. "I just wanted to see what you'd do." Typical. Make a thoughtful statement and then ruin it, you miserable little… wait, he wasn't getting bitter over Ryuuzaki's words was he? Time to back off from that thought.
The thin detective crouched lower on his chair, leaning down into a filing cabinet used to prop up his computer desk. Thick, heavy folders were deposited unceremoniously onto the floor, spilling their intensely boring contents over the sparsely carpeted surface. Raito had to stare. He couldn't help it. Why on earth had Ryuuzaki taken it upon himself to do this?
It hardly seemed logical that the lead detective in a mass-murder case had gone out of his way to buy the prime suspect a birthday present, complete with pretty gift wrapping. Raito wrinkled his nose as L lifted a brightly wrapped parcel from the depths of the mine of paper, pinching it gingerly between his fingers with a delicate air, as he did with everything. He couldn't blame the detective if he had been trying not to touch the paper; after all, it was shedding gold glitter at a prodigious rate and persisting in being an offensively vibrant shade of orange. But Raito know better than that; L always held things as if they were infectious, sticky or potentially going to bite.
"Here. Happy birthday," drawled L lazily. The gingerly held package was thrust into Raito's immediate airspace. His choice of backing away in disgust was successfully deleted courtesy of the shortened chain. Carefully, hesitantly, Raito reached out and took the glittery parcel from L's fingertips. The other hand was snatched away instantaneously, startling Raito with the sheer speed of it. He stared down at the gift, thoughts a ceaseless barrage against his brain.
Why did he get me a present? What could it be? Had he gone out of his way to get something special, in hopes of buttering Raito up and 'coming over to the light' in a true Star Wars cliché? Was it going to contain a recording device, in hopes of catching Raito in the act of something incriminating that L couldn't already observe despite being handcuffed to him 24/7? Was it laced with anthrax, arsenic or something equally terminal?
"Are you going to open it, or can you see through the paper already?" asked L amiably. "I wasn't aware that you were gifted with X-ray vision, Yagami-kun."
Raito answered that with a grunt and tore the wretched paper, trying to press the clamour of thoughts from his mind. Some of them were ambling away down a path where he wasn't entirely convinced that he wanted to holiday. A glossy hardback cover gleamed back at him from beneath the thick wrappings. Apparently L was as thorough with sticky tape as he was with case files: unnecessarily diligent and with frequent revisits to areas already covered.
Extracting the book from the paper, Raito's attention fell to the cover. Heart of Darkness by Joseph Conrad. Interesting. He had read many English-language classics, but this was one that he hadn't had a chance to look at yet. A quick flick through the book's heavy parchment pages revealed that it contained both the English and Japanese translations. How thoughtful. Or had L believed him unable to read English, despite scoring the same perfect result as he in the university entrance exam.
"Heart of Darkness, Ryuuzaki?" queried Raito flippantly. "This wouldn't be an accusation as well as a gift, would it?"
"Let the transcripts show that it was you who suggested that, Yagami-kun," replied L demurely, eyes boring into the glass screen before him. "I enjoyed the book myself. I therefore thought that you would, since we two are so alike."
You what-?
Raito felt as though someone had just flipped a switch and sent currents of electricity roaring through his body. It was as if he had been dashed in the face with a bucket of cold water. How could he not have realized the same thing? It was so simple! So simple it was brilliantly complicated! Raito was a genius, a child prodigy. There was no reason why this conclusion should not have been reached earlier. No reason why this thought hadn't even flitted by in passing while he was contemplating something far more sinister and pertinent to his Kira plan.
But now it made sense somewhere in his brain.
He blinked, staring at the sleepy-eyed detective as if seeing for the first time. Ryuuzaki appeared to have given up on the computer screen and had shifted his attentions outside, gazing out the window with a peculiar combination of dozy watchfulness. He was such a contradiction. A scruffy body and crooked physique concealing the sharpest mind that Raito had ever met other than his own. He felt repelled by the flagrant disregard for social norms demonstrated by Ryuuzaki's crumpled dress and aversion to socks. He felt challenged and frustrated by Ryuuzaki's seemingly effortless convictions and ability to get on Raito's nerves despite his every painstaking measure of self-control. No one had ever pushed his buttons in such a way. At least, no one had ever managed to do it more than once.
No one had ever done it and still been respected by him before.
"The rain is soothing, isn't it, Yagami-kun?" remarked L passively, eternally dark eyes sombre as he watched the shower of liquid silver fall, splattering ungraciously against the window. "Something so simple, yet so significant in the human mind. Nothing else in the world views such as thing as remarkable other than humanity. Funny, isn't it?"
The crisp pages of the pristine hardback grew clammy beneath his fingers. Raito realized with a start that he had broken into a cold sweat. What was he thinking? For once, he himself was not sure. L couldn't possibly know what those words meant in the context of Raito's pounding head. Or did he?
Mother, looking at me,
Tell me, what do you see?
Yes, I've lost my mind.
This is ridiculous. Raito stared back at L in astonishment, aghast and yet strangely aroused. He's just sitting there, watching the rain. Why does that make him any different? He made a careless remark, as he usually does. What is so different about it this time? He could feel something stirring inside himself. Something that was so primitive that it felt as if he had no choice in the matter; no more choice than he had in breathing. He stirred, hesitated. L didn't move. His eyes were like dark mirrors, hollowly reflecting the shroud of raindrops that splashed before him. It was as if he were seeing something beyond it all.
This is not enough…
Lips quivered, Raito froze. Eyes fixated on the calm expression of his rival. He had never before devoted so much consideration to it. Only ever before when lazily deciding which feature he found more annoying, other than L's personality and stupid handcuffs. Ryuuzaki's skin was bleached unnaturally pallid by too much time indoors and in front of the monitor, rings around his eyes even darker against the paleness of his complexion. His eyes were heavily lidded, making him seem world-weary; one who has seen too much and yet cannot turn away, no matter how it strains him.
It was…familiar.
Raito knew better than anyone what it was like to step too deeply into something and not be able to back out. The only real difference between them, the only difference he realized, was that they were looking at the same thing from different directions.
This is not enough…
Raito could feel his heart rate quicken, throat clenching. He felt as though he were about to start choking on air. This is ridiculous! What was he going to do? He was certain that L must be able to hear his elevated pulse, heart thundering against his chest. What could he do? Pretend that he was fine and that nothing as monumental and cataclysmic as a revelation about his true knowledge of his rival had just occurred?
He cleared his throat quietly. He had to do something to stop his brain from losing control. His body was reacting in a way that his mind was furiously trying to deny. L was still just staring blankly out the rain-splattered window, completely unaware of what drama was unfolding internally barely a metre away from him.
And I'm all mixed up, feeling cornered and rushed,
They say it's my fault, but I want it so much.
Carefully, mouth dry, Raito leant forwards. One hand slowly raised and placed itself on L's shoulder. The rumpled folds of Ryuuzaki's shirt were soft, and not nearly as unpleasant as Raito had thought the unkempt fabric would be. The skin beneath them smooth and surprisingly warm; he could feel it burning beneath the linen, fingers suddenly more sensitive than ever before. What was happening to him? Instantly L's eyes flashed to Raito, curious.
"What is wrong, Yagami-kun?" murmured L in surprise.
I wish I knew. Raito smiled slightly, wistfully. "Why do you assume that something is wrong every time I show any sign of humanity? I just want to say thank you. It's a wonderful book. I really appreciate it." Words threatened to follow after those. Hindbrain screamed at him to lean in and do something that he completely refused to acknowledge. This is insane. I'm going crazy. There's no other reason why. He wanted nothing more than to reach to his head and tug at his hair in a futile attempt to distract himself.
L's eyes didn't leave him though, dark pupils questing silently beneath their heavy shade of thick black hair. Eyes had widened slightly. There was confusion in those eyes. A trace of suspicion, but mostly that same, stupid, wide-eyed curiosity that L turned onto everything.
Damn his barbed naivety. It was all Ryuuzaki's fault.
"You look pale, Raito-kun," murmured L with concern. He tilted his head to one side, scratching his chin absentmindedly. "You're not feeling well?"
"Never better," he managed to rasp, throat dry. "I'm just a little confused is all. I didn't see you as the type to give suspect mass murderers birthday presents."
"You are surprised by me again, Yagami-kun," sighed L chastisingly. He shook his head with something that might have been mocking – Raito was too hazy to notice or even hazard a guess. "This is happening entirely too often. I wonder, just what is going on in your head to think that I am so easy to predict?"
"Too much is going on in my head; that's your answer," retorted Raito. Good; he'd recovered enough sense to feel offended. "I'm a little taken aback. There's no reason why I wouldn't be. After all, you keep asserting your claim that I'm Kira; you keep me on a leash of all things for that reason. Why on earth would you do this for someone who you distrust so?"
L straightened his head, a faint smile creasing his deathly pale face. Raito's eyes were drawn unwholesomely to his lips, the palest shade of pink conceivable. "You forget, Raito-kun. I want to believe that you are not Kira. That doesn't mean that you aren't Kira, but it does mean that I appreciate you to the extent of willing your innocence. That is something that I have never done before. Is that easier to understand?" He cleared his throat uncomfortably. "I am not used to explaining myself. This should be far too simple a concept for you to struggle for to grasp."
"You don't know what you're telling me," warned Raito. Gods… the barrage of thoughts had started again. If Ryuuzaki didn't do something completely aggravating soon to break the mood, then Raito wasn't sure what was going to happen. A strange, spacey feeling was filling his head and it was as if his stomach were coming detached. What the hell was wrong with him? Was it some disease? Mental scans of the massive medical journals that he had read did not seem to be turning up any possible results that could offer an answer to his discomfort. He had been in a perfectly sanitary environment. Maybe even an overly sanitary environment, due to L's complete disregard for ironing but apparent obsession with every other form of hygiene. No one in the team was ill, and the only possible person he could have caught anything off of as far as viruses went was L, who was as unnaturally healthy as ever for someone who lived on a sugar based diet.
The only one who could be to blame was L.
This called for revenge.
Ryuuzaki frowned, eyebrows knit with perplexion. "I'm seriously concerned here, Raito-kun. You do not look yourself. Can I help you? Do you need anythi-" His eyes widened impossibly as Raito decided to give up the ghost once and for all, seizing the back of L's swivel chair and hauling it across the floor and directly in front of himself. L stared up in shock at the youth standing over him, mouth ajar in confusion, paused by the unexpected interruption.
Raito knelt down, eyes serious on L's own, still so impossibly startled. "You can help," he said calmly, "by shutting up."
And with that, he pressed forwards and caught the detective's frozen lips with his own.